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 Posted: Mon May 21, 2012 6:44 pm
Jordan let Candace lean against him, listening to the rambling, looping stream of consciousness she was voicing. "Harrison probably would say that," he said. "But you're not Harrison."
He fell silent again, watching her sympathetically; she was explaining herself, asking questions, but she was talking to herself as much or more than she was talking to him. "Love doesn't really make much sense," he said after she'd trailed off. "Feelings don't, usually. They happen, and then all you can do is decide what to do about them." He studied the angle of her shoulders, the way her hair fell over her eyes, the tense way she held herself and the tight desperate clutch of her hand. "It can really make you feel out of control." Careful, feather-light fishing; a guess that might be confirmed or disproved by her reaction to the idea he'd set on the table.
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Posted: Mon May 21, 2012 8:02 pm
She wasn't Harrison but she did take his word into serious account. He was her best friend, he wanted what was right for her...right?
Candace was quiet as Jordan spoke, squeezing his hand again with a low whine. It made no sense. None. She loved him, he made her do and think things that she didn't like but..but he made those things...so..
He made her want more.
That a*****e.
Make you feel out of control...that was it. That was what was happening. This, all of this, it was getting out of control. She needed to let go. She needed to get over him. Jerry wasn't hers anymore. He never would be again...but they could be friends, right? She should be happy for him. If you love someone that's what you wanted, right? Simply for them to be happy?
"I don't like giving up control." She whispered unhappily, sounding more and more defeated by the minute. She was calming down, losing steam. Candace was getting tired. "...What would you do? Wait..no..." Candace made an unhappy noise. "Well..wait, no. Yeah. What would you do?" She knew his situation. Was she supposed to? She wasn't sure. She wasn't asking him to tell her...maybe he'd come up with something else.
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Posted: Mon May 21, 2012 8:36 pm
He'd suspected as much. An unexpected pang of tired sympathy. And that was really what the whole thing had been about, hadn't it? If you loved someone, but that feeling controlled you, instead of the other way around, you were setting yourself up for disaster. Jerry hadn't been willing to forgive and forget. Whether that was for the best? None of them would know.
What would he do? The question made him unexpectedly uncomfortable; she was one of the few people who knew what he'd kept guarded and quiet. She had a very personal experience of what he'd felt months ago now; worse, because he'd had the cold comfort of knowing that it wasn't anything personal. She deserved to be repaid for the hurt she'd inflicted, and some small part of him took a nasty satisfaction in her pain, but what was done couldn't be undone. Everyone involved had to move on.
He considered his answer carefully. "If I couldn't control what I felt, and there was no reconciliation? It'll probably sound cold, but I'd keep my distance until some of the strongest feelings faded. Being right there all the time rips the scab off over and over." He gently squeezed Candace's shoulder. "It's a small island, yeah, but not subjecting yourself to it deliberately would probably help."
He gave her a steady, serious look. "Do you think that the Candace who overheard the psychologist would have let herself keep a relationship?" Careful, careful. Introducing the idea that there was something in her own mind hindering her was risky, but it might be necessary.
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Posted: Mon May 21, 2012 11:37 pm
Keep her distance. She could do that, right? That shouldn't be too hard. Candace sniffed, clearing her throat quietly and working on recovering as much as she could while he gave his opinion and advice. He made a good point. She'd been too clingy even after he dumped her, after he'd made it clear he didn't want her back. It wasn't healthy. They needed space. They could be friends if she just let go of her desire to have her Jerrbear back. He...he wasn't her Jerrbear anymore. He was Sasha's now. She swallowed hard, trying to get rid of the lump trying to reform in her throat again. Stop that. The squeeze to her shoulder made her look up, sniffing and just watching him.
At his question she gave him a sad smile. "The Candace who overheard that didn't do relationships." She answered quietly. "She kept everyone at arm's length. Even in college, where everyone was an adult and had more things to relate to with her, she didn't let anyone in. She had friends, and she had..friends with benefits...but Jerry was the first time she'd actually gone out on a limb and let someone into her heart.." She sighed, rubbing at her neck and sitting up straight. She'd moved too fast..she should have eased into it. It had been too much of a shock to her system or something, right?
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Posted: Mon May 21, 2012 11:47 pm
"My dad used to say that everything takes practice, even feelings," Jordan offered. "I didn't understand him then, but I think maybe I'm starting to now. If you've avoided something completely, how can you expect yourself to know what to do with it? And it's so much harder to do something that freaks you out on a gut level, or if you think you're going to mess it up when you start." He sighed. "I don't know. Maybe I'm talking out my a**. You really ought to talk to someone who knows what he's talking about if you want help getting your trouble straightened out."
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Posted: Mon May 21, 2012 11:52 pm
Candace paused. What was he getting at..
Her eyes narrowed suspiciously. Tread on careful ground, Jordan. One wrong word.. "Someone like who?"
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Posted: Mon May 21, 2012 11:58 pm
Dangerous territory. Jordan pretended not to notice the suspicious glare. At this point, backpedaling wouldn't do any good. "I hate to suggest Killzone. The man scares me. But he's also actually a counselor, and presumably knows what he's doing. I don't know; there might be someone else in Life division you could ask. Clarice would probably know."
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Posted: Tue May 22, 2012 12:18 am
Killzone. A counselor. Candace bristled slightly, but luckily for Jordan she was exhausted. There would be no yelling, no violent protests. Not this time. "Clarice isn't here right now." She was disappointed. She wanted to see her...she didn't even get to see her before the mission, or during it except from afar.
"I..I don't..." She shook her head, sniffing and just...shaking her head. "N-no. Not Killzone. There...there has..there has to be someone else. Someone...not..not..him." Someone not a therapist of some kind.
A professional could be beneficial~. Candace frowned. I don't need professional ******** help. I'm not crazy..there's...there's nothing wrong with me. Atropos sighed. No one is calling you crazy, darling.
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Posted: Tue May 22, 2012 12:25 am
"I know. I hope she's doing well." Jordan studied Candace's expression; she hadn't liked that idea at all. Given what she'd said so far, she probably had less-than-positive associations with counselors. The idea had been brought up and planted. Time to drop it before it became a point of contention. "There must be," he agreed neutrally. "Sorry." He squeezed her shoulder again, lightly and briefly. "Just kind of worried, you know?"
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Posted: Tue May 22, 2012 12:35 am
The squeeze to her shoulder helped bring her out of her panic, relaxing again and even resting her head on Jordan's shoulder as she had been before.
..He...he was worried about her? Candace blinked, looking up at him with honest surprise. "N..no I...don't know.." She paused, making an unhappy noise. "I mean..what it's..er...what I mean is, I'm..surprised? Ah..I wasn't...expecting you to be worried, much less stay and help me and...listen to me like ths." Candace rubbed her face, sighing. "I'm quite sure you're not exactly my biggest fan, which is understandable all things considered."
Candace moved, her arms slipping around Jordan's middle as she clung to him, burying her face against his shoulder. "Thank you. I am so sorry...for everything.."
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Posted: Tue May 22, 2012 12:57 am
Jordan put his arm around Candace's shoulders; she needed comfort, and contact seemed to calm her immensely. That might help explain why she'd broken down so violently, as well; without a lover or friend to lean on, physically and emotionally, the stress would have made her that much more brittle.
"I was pretty angry at you for a while," he admitted. No need to explain that further nor dwell on the details. "But I still respect your abilities and intellect, and it's not useful for me to hold a grudge when we need to work together professionally; anyway, I'm - only peripherally involved, and I kind of feel that if Jerry's no longer angry, I'd be something of a hypocrite to continue to avoid you when the fight wasn't even mine in the first place." He sighed. "And I kind of liked when we were getting to a place where we could have good conversations. So I guess what I'm trying to say is that everything else aside, I also considered you a friend and wouldn't mind going back to that."
He patted her shoulder. "I couldn't just leave you there. That wasn't an option."
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Posted: Tue May 22, 2012 1:44 am
The arm around her shoulders did wonders for the tension she'd been feeling, noticeably relaxing against Jordan. It..didn't feel like he was doing this out of obligation. He really meant he. He was worried. He was offering her genuine comfort. What the hell? She was so confused.
Ah. There it was. He was angry. Jordan was a smart man, though. Candace stayed quiet for the explanation as to why he was being so nice to her, rubbing her lips together and staring ahead of her. He made very good points. Was Jerry really not angry anymore? Well...good, she supposed. Yes. That was good. She hated seeing him not his cheerful self. It had been so long...
When he continued on to say he considered her a friend and wanted to go back to that her eyes widened. He..he wanted to be friends? Really?! She didn't have to walk on eggshells around him anymore?! Yes! That was exactly what she wanted! She couldn't help it, the tears fell down her cheeks before she could stop them, but at least this time she was smiling. Candace hugged him tighter, sniffing and trying not to whimper. She wasn't sad, okay? This was happiness. She was just...so tired.
"Th-thank you, Jordan." She hiccupped, still smiling as she turned her head to look up at him. "Tha-ank you so much. It m-means a lot to hear that. We'd been ge-getting along finally a..and then it just...I..I'd like that. I'd like that a lot." Candace curled up a moment before sighing and forcing herself to let go of Jordan, rubbing at her face. Her head hurt, her chest hurt, her eyes burned like crazy..and she was tired. Emotionally, physically, mentally exhausted.
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Posted: Tue May 22, 2012 1:59 pm
Jordan nodded, giving Candace a small smile. She was still pretty fragile;anything beyond subdued, quiet reactions wasn't really appropriate. She looked tired, anyway. That made sense. Having your walls break like that with the attendant outpouring of raw, painful, unmanageable emotion took a lot out of you. He wouldn't be surprised if she wanted to go sleep after this, nor, for that matter, if she had a headache from all the tension and the hysterical crying. "You want some aspirin or something? You look like you're starting to get a headache," he said. He lightly tapped the spot between her eyebrows with a finger. "It's in the frowny bit here."
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Posted: Tue May 22, 2012 11:40 pm
Aspirin? Yes, that sounded amazing right about now. Her head was throbbing. The room was on the verge of spinning from the combination of exhaustion and headache as well. Lovely. "I think--" Suddenly he tapped her forehead. She squeaked, looking up at Jordan with flushed cheeks and wide eyes. He'd thrown her off guard with something so simple, so silly. She smiled again, actually giggling and swatting playfully at his hand. "I should stop before I get wrinkles." Her smile fell into a childish pout, eyes turning up toward where Jordan had tapped her. No way. Wrinkles were bad, especially when she was only twenty-three.
"Aspirin sounds...great though. And slee--" She paused, looking hesitant. Sleep. The bunks. Candace frowned again, rubbing at the back of her neck and looking toward the door. No doubt she'd come across the love birds down there. She could handle it...really. She could. But not like this; Candace needed to sleep, her temper tended to be worse when she was tired and she was definitely not feeling up to seeing either of their faces right now. She needed someplace quiet, someplace she knew she could feel safe and calm in. Someplace where she wouldn't have to see Jerry or Sasha's faces, together or apart, unless she wanted to...
She bit down on her bottom lip, teeth worrying at it as she thought of the first option that came to mind. "I...I should..sleep, yes." She sighed, leaning back against the wall again. Suddenly she shifted, reaching into her back pocket and pulling out a small compact mirror. Candace opened it and immediately grimaced.
"I look like I got dumped on prom night jesus christ.." There was eyeliner and mascara running down her face, her lipgloss was all but wiped away, her lightly applied eye shadow had been rubbed all around her eyes, and her hair was a mess from all the rough treatment she'd given it. Good lord.
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Posted: Tue May 22, 2012 11:49 pm
"Well, you know what moms always say, make faces enough and it'll stick that way," Jordan replied lightly. Time to shift the focus off painful, awkward subjects; now that she'd gotten through the worst of her breakdown, Candace would be mostly okay. She'd need some space to pull her defenses back into place and put herself together enough again to go out in public. He could give her that.
"I don't think I have any tissues," he said, but checked his pockets anyway. "No, I don't. Sorry."
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