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TPK smiled. n00bs.

"You failed your roll, the mace hits your character, Pink Lemonade. Well, that certainly sucks for you. It is big and heavy, and Prulyassa is knocked off her feet.

Meanwhile, Leoven, your attack misses. With your friend knocked down, the monster turns to you. You get a better look at him, and you see now that he's an Orc. A really angry Orc at that. It seems like he's pissed that you didn't knock on his door before coming in. Who would have thought a monster cared that much about courtesy.

But, now that he has attention on you, he swings his mace across at your legs, trying to knock you down also."

"Prulyassa gets up just fine. Conveniently, the Orc is still not paying attention to her. His focus now is to mess Leoven up. His mace makes contact, and it makes quite a disgusting noise as it smacks into your thigh. It didn't knock you over, but you certainly are going to be limping for a while. At least it'll be a short while, because it looks like the Orc is winning, and you guys aren't going to make it out of here."

TPK stared blankly at Lullaby for a moment.

"Huh? You do what, now?"

She blinked a few more times, not sure of what to make of this. She could continue to have the orc smash their faces in, which would be very satisfying, or she could reward the out of the box thinking and roll with it. After a few moments of eternal struggle, TPK gave up, and began to roll percentile dice behind her DM screen.

The vengeful dungeon master was not smiling, so that was a very good sign for the adventurers.

"Alright. The orc seems to have calmed his rage down some. He's breathing heavy, but not attacking you. You can tell that he's teetering on the edge of going back into smash mode, so if I were you, I'd be really, really careful of what I said or did next. It seems like he's just as confused as I am about this."

Cupcakes and tea? This was turning into one of the strangest games TPK had ever ran before. Well, excluding the one where the wizard polymorphed herself into a squid and carried several bags of holding into the bottom of the ocean to collect treasure. Which was fine, until she encountered the male squid and... um... even TPK was a little weired out that the player went along with the joke.

She cleared he throat and replied in a best dude-voice, "Mr. Orc no mean to smash village. Cog just hungry, and Cog also like shinnies that village has. But Cog no have cupcakes and tea! Did little adventurers bring Cog cupcakes and tea?"

It was slightly racist all DMs seemed to make Orcs and Half-Orcs talk in third person. TPK was not going to break with tradition though; it was too much fun to have characters with low INT scores talk that way.

"Cog will leave little village alone if they will share. Cog not actually like sneaking in like rogue. Cog proud warrior and not need shadows."

Oh, she was so not going to let them have a happy ending. TPK didn't kill them this time, but there was no way everything was going to be alright.

"Cog agrees to go with you back to the village. While walking back, he kind of grows on you, and you think that Cog is really not all bad; he's just misunderstood, and has no clue of his own strength.

Upon your arrival, the Captain of the Town Guard and a group of armed villagers excitedly greet you, and then he deposits the 10gp in your hands. He thanks you for all your hard work, and then binds Cog in chains and leads him to the execution block. After all, he did kill a man. If it's one thing this town loves, it's a public display of swift justice.

Cog, now realizing that he's not being led to a tea party, begins to panic and thrash. Some of his escort get hurt as they are thrown aside carelessly. But ultimately, a couple punches and slices later, and Cog clams down as he accepts his fate.

The rest is a quick ordeal as they place his head on the chopping block, and announce his crime. The executioner only takes four swings to chop Cog's head off, which is impressive given how thick his neck is.

Afterword, the Captain of the Town Guard, now with blood spray on his shiny metal plate, thanks you profusely for your help in bringing this monster to justice. In fact, he's so impressed by how you tricked the Orc to come into town that he awards each of you an extra gold piece."

TPK sat alone in her basement, her fortress of solitude, alone.

That would teach those whelps to make friends with a monster instead of killing it. They wouldn't make that mistake next time.

If there was a next time.

...they'll be back.

...

They're so not coming back. Damnit.