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 Posted: Fri Aug 19, 2011 9:03 am
Lucifer Force Oh, I'm certainly not trying to say that you should copy Millia's attacks - they would just be some good inspiration is all. wink You have a lovely senshi going here. heart Okay, thanks. ^^ What do you think of her attacks now? I kind of like the idea of them because one of the meanings for one of the names of her star is "the braid", so I really wanted attacks that somehow involve a braid. Also, I did some changes and ousted protective for thoughtful. My boyfriend took his car through an automatic car wash and we discussed Roxy while going through it. It really helped to talk about her. Thoughtful definitely matches her better. I plan to put a little section of everyone's questions that still apply to her and then list answers there instead of editing it in. That way it's easier to see any new additions.
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Posted: Sat Aug 20, 2011 9:51 am
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Posted: Tue Aug 23, 2011 4:37 am
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Posted: Wed Aug 31, 2011 3:30 am
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Posted: Wed Sep 07, 2011 4:19 pm
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Posted: Sat Sep 10, 2011 8:39 pm
I got a chibi of Roxy! It's on the first page. ^^
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Posted: Tue Nov 08, 2011 6:26 am
Indu Disclaimer: I'm sorry about the wait for one of us to look it over! Let's get right into it, shall we? My goal here is to take the hard work you've done, and help guide you to a finished product! My critiques are long, but that's not because of anything you've done wrong, just my efforts to be thorough.
CIVILLIAN
Hobbies - You've got to keep in mind that you're playing a fourteen-year-old girl. Right now, she's got too many in depth hobbies to be realistic. You should try getting rid of one.
I'm going to suggest Hair Stylist. Not only does cutting hair take a lot of experience to do attractively, you're suggesting she'd really good at it, with of course, no schooling, and… How many years has she been allowed to even use scissors near another person's head?
Sewing is good! Dancing unfortunately, isn't very unique, nor does it seem important enough to include as an actual hobby, as it's currently written. Let's fix that! Perhaps you need to elaborate? If they all love to dance, maybe there's some family activity they always do together that you can create to make this hobby stick out.
Cars! More detail! "For Some reason" doesn't cut it. She's your character. Figure out the reason she likes to work on cars, and get back to us! For all you know, it may be a hidden virtue you haven't thought of.
Virtues & Flaws
First off, you can't double-up your virtues and your flaws. Strong Morals can't be in both lists! You have to choose a focus. Additionally, you should consider that someone may be law-abiding, but not necessarily be moral, and vice versa. Her morals don't really work as either a flaw or a virtue, because you use them both in a way that cancels them out.
If you can provide a bunch of negative effects of a virtue, it won't work, and if you can find a bunch of positive values in a flaw, it won't work.
Additionally, there is a conflict between having a character that is both Thoughtful and Blunt. Thoughtful people try to avoid hurting the feelings of other people in a way that blunt people do not. Perhaps you mean "generous", since you are primarily discussing physical things she does? Services like fixing cars, helping with studying…
I'd like to see more embellishment on her Insecurity flaw. Talk about what sort of needy, bad things she does! We want all the details.
POWERED
I don't comment really on fuku designs, so let's move to the important part. Her attacks. You may want to read through the updated guide at the top of this forum, if you need any more help after my critique!
As it stands, none of Diadem's powers will work, because senshi channel their magic through their bodies, not through items. Only Knights are capable of using their items to channel magic.
You might want to look into using Diadem's actual hair, which would be pretty damn sassy. A hair toss might have the magical effect of a hair whip! You're obviously going for an offensive senshi, but this is magic, so have fun with it, and definitely read over those guidelines.
Additionally, keep in mind that most battles only last 2-3 minutes, so a full minute for an eternal attack is very long.
Feel free to QUOTE ME when you've completed all your changes, and I'll add you to my list to go through again!
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Posted: Tue Nov 08, 2011 8:14 am
I would like to add to / clarify Indu's crit that if you have both positive and negative attributes to a character trait, it is perfectly acceptable to split the "good" aspect into a virtue and the "bad" aspect into a flaw. You cannot have an exact copies in both the virtue AND the flaw sections, but making the negative side of a virtue as part of the flaw set is acceptable and even encouraged because it helps create a character with more consistency and depth. The idea here is that a single characteristic can be helpful in some ways, but also harmful in others. So, noting that she is law-abiding and not one to break rules is a good virtue if you can explain how it makes her admirable to other characters. However, there IS a small problem here... Virtue side says this: Quote: Roxy rarely ever breaks any rules or laws and she normally does the right thing. If she finds a wallet on the ground loaded with money, she won't keep it but rather turn it into the police as lost and found or look for the potential owner. She doesn't cheat on anything and would rather fail from genuinely trying than to pass from cheating. It is something her mother instilled in her and a point of pride for her. If there was an emergency situation, as in a life and death one, she would break a law to help a person. Life is definitely more important than a law.But then the flaw side says this: Quote: Having strong morals is a double-edged sword for Roxy. When it comes to her friends, she may choose her morals over them even at the risk of losing that friend. If she considers the rule broken to be very minor, then she will overlook it and forgive her friend for it. But if it's a law that she considers shouldn't be broken, like stealing, then she'll turn her friend in because it's the right thing to do regardless of the consequences her friend will have to deal with. So I think the main problem here is that you have a weak combination -- the virtue side is that she always respects the rules. The flaw side says that she puts her rules over her friends, but then you have her make convenient exceptions to this that make it apply inconsistently. This makes it a pretty weak combination of traits. I would definitely go with Indu's suggestion and retool the "Strong Morals" flaw to say that she's Rule-Abiding, and then rewrite the flaw as Rules Before Friends (or something similar) and really emphasize that she prioritizes being lawful over making her friends happy. This means that she should probably not have exceptions about what rules she thinks can be broken. Another thing I would encourage is for her to NOT be capable of breaking the law to save someone, or at least not be able to do it very easily. It would be really interesting for her to have to struggle with the rules when it comes to getting things done, especially when it comes to the senshi part of her life!
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Posted: Wed Nov 09, 2011 6:10 pm
Indubitably Indu Disclaimer: I'm sorry about the wait for one of us to look it over! Let's get right into it, shall we? My goal here is to take the hard work you've done, and help guide you to a finished product! My critiques are long, but that's not because of anything you've done wrong, just my efforts to be thorough. No problem on the wait. There was a short amount of time where I lost the shop and I somehow had been removed as a member of the guild. No idea how that happened. o.O Thank you so much for the critique though! <3 I will definitely quote you again when I get the changes done. For now I'm crazy busy with RL. But I will get the changes in as soon as I can.
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Posted: Wed Nov 09, 2011 6:14 pm
Thanks for the crit Mouse!!! Your always so helpful. ^^ I'll definitely consider everything you added when I make the changes. Hopefully I can fix it up soon.
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