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 Posted: Wed Jul 18, 2012 8:22 am
Heya xD I'm not the best at crits, but these are my opinions <3 Just for the powered side x3;
For the Super attack, I really think that is OP, more so because industrial strength diamonds can pretty much cut through -anything-, so I think you're better off switching back to dust. ( you can make the first one 3 separate blasts while the super could be some beam that can be dragged, like Venus' beam attack.)
That's all I have, for now :"D
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Posted: Sun Jul 22, 2012 3:49 pm
ATHeart, thank you very much! That is helpful. I'm going to go tweak it now.
EDIT: Edited his attacks and his Friendly virtue. I also changed his last name, because I found out - completely by accident, while looking up TV stuff - that I spelled it wrong.
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Posted: Mon Sep 10, 2012 4:52 am
Hello! I’ll just leave this crit right here <3
Hobbies:
Astrology: More information would be good, like how he got into it, was it something he found himself or shown to. Does he believe in it or does he just like the pretty stories. Will he bother other people with reading theirs and constantly referring back to them when something happens? How far does his passion go?
Being an Otome – I think this is quite a cute hobby and see no problem in it! You’ve given this one more depth which I like to see!
Hospital Volunteerism – Again fine hobby but I want to know more, why the hospital? He could have volunteered anywhere else for extra cash/credit, or he could have even just gotten a job! Is it that he wanted to become a doctor or nurse one day? Does he just prefer to help sick people? (Note*This is where his insincere flaw doesn’t work well) Fatten this out more please!
Virtues:
Studious: This section doesn’t make a lot of sense. I agree with his parents encouraging him to study and his interest covering a lot of ground but I am not sure what the following sentence was supposed to mean? “Like if someone gets a cut, he wouldn't be, like, "It'll scab up, eventually," he'd disinfect it and try to stop the bleeding.” It doesn’t translate well for studious. It does for being caring and thorough, maybe it needs to be rewritten, did you mean to say he knows what he is doing because he has studied up on it? For studious to work you would have to say that when someone cut their hand he would then shove said hand under the microscope to study it! (Note*And that’s where insincere does come in if you wanted to keep that flaw).
Flaws:
Insincere:Again this section doesn’t translate very well and what you have written about does not fall under insincere. Typing it into google shows the meaning to be -“lacking sincerity and being hypocritical”, and that doesn’t come across in what you have written. Where you have put “he does what is expected of him even if he doesn’t want too” is more leaning towards being a pushover, if anything it is other people being insincere towards him. To be insincere would be for him to not tell his friend anything and telling him to get over it instead. The statement regarding his father is more correct though.
Also for him being such an ‘insincere’ person (or you wanting him to be) would a hospital that wants caring considerate volunteers really want someone who would be insincere working for them? You can’t shut of flaws when you want so it may be something to think about.
Personally I think a more ‘pushover’ flaw might suit him with wanting to take care of people and being their friends no matter what.
Neurotic: Again this doesn’t work well with him being insincere as he wouldn’t really care about other people. Plus again I think this needs to be written and put into more consist sentences because my eyes go cross-eyed reading it. Why is he neurotic, did someone point out a flaw that struck a nerve, does he not think he is good enough for his adoptive family? More info would be great.
Senshi
We do have to be very careful with this attack as having diamonds too big could cut like a knife (unless your thinking of the cut versions of diamonds where they are all soft and round) or too small (like dust) could cause lung problems. We need to find a happy middle ground, nothing that’s going to slice of someone’s head if thrown at them or cause internal bleeding from their lungs. (Doing a little research the effects of breathing in diamonds one time would not kill you or cause unnecessary harm but as like everything else over a prolonged interaction it can cause eventual death due to implanting within the lung lining. )
The effects on skin like you’ve said can be like sandpaper but to get that effect we have to have them a good uncut size and we may be entering into territory of it shredding a person rather than them getting that ‘sandpaper’ effect as the attack is ‘thrown/shot’ at them.
Also you can not change your attacks from offensive to defensive. You have to pick the type of attack you want and stick to it! So either stick with offensive and throwing out dust beams or go a different route and choice defensive with the diamond armour (which I think is very cool!)
This is just a base crit for now, work on these points and then I would be more than happy to come back a iron out the finer details.
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Posted: Sat Nov 03, 2012 11:15 pm
Matisha Hello! I’ll just leave this crit right here <3
Hobbies:
Astrology: More information would be good, like how he got into it, was it something he found himself or shown to. Does he believe in it or does he just like the pretty stories. Will he bother other people with reading theirs and constantly referring back to them when something happens? How far does his passion go?
Being an Otome – I think this is quite a cute hobby and see no problem in it! You’ve given this one more depth which I like to see!
Hospital Volunteerism – Again fine hobby but I want to know more, why the hospital? He could have volunteered anywhere else for extra cash/credit, or he could have even just gotten a job! Is it that he wanted to become a doctor or nurse one day? Does he just prefer to help sick people? (Note*This is where his insincere flaw doesn’t work well) Fatten this out more please!
Virtues:
Studious: This section doesn’t make a lot of sense. I agree with his parents encouraging him to study and his interest covering a lot of ground but I am not sure what the following sentence was supposed to mean? “Like if someone gets a cut, he wouldn't be, like, "It'll scab up, eventually," he'd disinfect it and try to stop the bleeding.” It doesn’t translate well for studious. It does for being caring and thorough, maybe it needs to be rewritten, did you mean to say he knows what he is doing because he has studied up on it? For studious to work you would have to say that when someone cut their hand he would then shove said hand under the microscope to study it! (Note*And that’s where insincere does come in if you wanted to keep that flaw).
Flaws:
Insincere:Again this section doesn’t translate very well and what you have written about does not fall under insincere. Typing it into google shows the meaning to be -“lacking sincerity and being hypocritical”, and that doesn’t come across in what you have written. Where you have put “he does what is expected of him even if he doesn’t want too” is more leaning towards being a pushover, if anything it is other people being insincere towards him. To be insincere would be for him to not tell his friend anything and telling him to get over it instead. The statement regarding his father is more correct though.
Also for him being such an ‘insincere’ person (or you wanting him to be) would a hospital that wants caring considerate volunteers really want someone who would be insincere working for them? You can’t shut of flaws when you want so it may be something to think about.
Personally I think a more ‘pushover’ flaw might suit him with wanting to take care of people and being their friends no matter what.
Neurotic: Again this doesn’t work well with him being insincere as he wouldn’t really care about other people. Plus again I think this needs to be written and put into more consist sentences because my eyes go cross-eyed reading it. Why is he neurotic, did someone point out a flaw that struck a nerve, does he not think he is good enough for his adoptive family? More info would be great.
Senshi
We do have to be very careful with this attack as having diamonds too big could cut like a knife (unless your thinking of the cut versions of diamonds where they are all soft and round) or too small (like dust) could cause lung problems. We need to find a happy middle ground, nothing that’s going to slice of someone’s head if thrown at them or cause internal bleeding from their lungs. (Doing a little research the effects of breathing in diamonds one time would not kill you or cause unnecessary harm but as like everything else over a prolonged interaction it can cause eventual death due to implanting within the lung lining. )
The effects on skin like you’ve said can be like sandpaper but to get that effect we have to have them a good uncut size and we may be entering into territory of it shredding a person rather than them getting that ‘sandpaper’ effect as the attack is ‘thrown/shot’ at them.
Also you can not change your attacks from offensive to defensive. You have to pick the type of attack you want and stick to it! So either stick with offensive and throwing out dust beams or go a different route and choice defensive with the diamond armour (which I think is very cool!)
This is just a base crit for now, work on these points and then I would be more than happy to come back a iron out the finer details.
Thanks so much for the crits! I didn't want to reply until I fixed some things. I added to his Astrology hobby and Studious virtue and re-wrote his Neurotic flaw. I had to look Pushover up. I like it! I replaced Insincere with that. For his Hospital Volunteerism hobby, it is because he wants to be a doctor. I also thought it'd be more likely than a job, because pre-med takes up a lot of his time and you can pick your hours when you volunteer, but you can't be as flexible with a job. I'm speaking from my own experiences, though, so this setting might be different. I really don't know. Originally, for the attacks, I was thinking of starting out as emery board grain size and when they get bigger, they're cut diamonds like gemstones. I didn't want to have an inhaled attack, because my research on that made it look OP. Like get coal lung and die OP. I like the armor better, because diamonds are more known for their hardness, and I'd prefer to have that, but I'm not sure how to power it up. Can I make it last longer as it powers up or have it gain effects? If the former, what times're plausible and if the latter, what kinds of effects? I also have another question. Can I use the Halloween costume from the raffle for his civilian form? NVM. I got the answer in a PM.
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Posted: Tue Nov 06, 2012 12:03 am
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Posted: Thu Nov 08, 2012 2:21 am
Hello again!!
Congrats on the alt civ art, one step closer to making him a reality!!
Thank you for adding to his civilian personality and hobbies, it gives him so much more depth and understanding. Now I am unsure and its technically not apart of the form but how is his family life arranged? Did his biological parents die? Give him up? He seems to have quite a lot of knowledge about his biological parents with them effecting his hobbies i.e astrology and to get to a stage of knowing them must have meant they were taken from him later in his childhood?
I do like how you have made his step-dad one of those - "I only want the best for you so if you don't work hard enough you will be punished but I still love you" sort of dads XD It makes his neurotic/pushover flaws very believable and his almost needy friendship qualities justified. Again if your able to extend on these more it would be great since you have put a lot of text into some of these flaws/hobbies and then only a short summary on others.
About his Senshi attacks I am going to give a shout out to the other mods and GM's to help me with deciding what can stay and what should go. I was informed that although uncommon attacks can change from offensive to defensive so having a change to armour may be ok even with the first two attacks being offensive. Let me talk some things through and I will get back to you asap!
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Posted: Thu Nov 08, 2012 9:10 pm
Matisha Hello again!!
Congrats on the alt civ art, one step closer to making him a reality!!
Thank you for adding to his civilian personality and hobbies, it gives him so much more depth and understanding. Now I am unsure and its technically not apart of the form but how is his family life arranged? Did his biological parents die? Give him up? He seems to have quite a lot of knowledge about his biological parents with them effecting his hobbies i.e astrology and to get to a stage of knowing them must have meant they were taken from him later in his childhood?
I do like how you have made his step-dad one of those - "I only want the best for you so if you don't work hard enough you will be punished but I still love you" sort of dads XD It makes his neurotic/pushover flaws very believable and his almost needy friendship qualities justified. Again if your able to extend on these more it would be great since you have put a lot of text into some of these flaws/hobbies and then only a short summary on others.
About his Senshi attacks I am going to give a shout out to the other mods and GM's to help me with deciding what can stay and what should go. I was informed that although uncommon attacks can change from offensive to defensive so having a change to armour may be ok even with the first two attacks being offensive. Let me talk some things through and I will get back to you asap! Thanks much! His parents died in a car crash when he was ten. His adoptive parents were close friends to his late mother. I actually debated whether or not to make it a guardianship or adoption, but this was back when Japanese names weren't allowed, so I made it an adoption, so he could have a different last name and now, even with the rule change about names, the idea has grown on me, so I kept it. Thank you! I'll try to beef the other ones up. Thanks! I'll look forward to it. C:
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Posted: Mon Nov 12, 2012 9:06 am
Hey guys heart Sorry for the delay, I'm hear to answer Matisha's question.
If the progression makes sense, an attack can change from offensive to defensive and I think in this case it does make sense!
He's been shooting out the VERY FINE diamond dust for the first two attacks to cause an abrasive effect, but for the final attack him shooting it instead covers the ally or enemy giving them minor defense because of the mineral's hardness.
However, that said, I want to make it clear that he could only hit other people with his final attack and he can't make the armor hit himself.
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Posted: Sun Nov 18, 2012 11:03 pm
Iris_virus Hey guys heart Sorry for the delay, I'm hear to answer Matisha's question.
If the progression makes sense, an attack can change from offensive to defensive and I think in this case it does make sense!
He's been shooting out the VERY FINE diamond dust for the first two attacks to cause an abrasive effect, but for the final attack him shooting it instead covers the ally or enemy giving them minor defense because of the mineral's hardness.
However, that said, I want to make it clear that he could only hit other people with his final attack and he can't make the armor hit himself. Thanks so much! I changed the eternal to specify that it can't be used on himself now. Matisha Hello again!!
Congrats on the alt civ art, one step closer to making him a reality!!
Thank you for adding to his civilian personality and hobbies, it gives him so much more depth and understanding. Now I am unsure and its technically not apart of the form but how is his family life arranged? Did his biological parents die? Give him up? He seems to have quite a lot of knowledge about his biological parents with them effecting his hobbies i.e astrology and to get to a stage of knowing them must have meant they were taken from him later in his childhood?
I do like how you have made his step-dad one of those - "I only want the best for you so if you don't work hard enough you will be punished but I still love you" sort of dads XD It makes his neurotic/pushover flaws very believable and his almost needy friendship qualities justified. Again if your able to extend on these more it would be great since you have put a lot of text into some of these flaws/hobbies and then only a short summary on others.
About his Senshi attacks I am going to give a shout out to the other mods and GM's to help me with deciding what can stay and what should go. I was informed that although uncommon attacks can change from offensive to defensive so having a change to armour may be ok even with the first two attacks being offensive. Let me talk some things through and I will get back to you asap! I beefed up his Hospital Volunteerism a tiny bit and his Diffident and Pushover flaws more. I couldn't think of how to elaborate on the hobby any more without being redundant about his virtues, since he is interested in the employees, because he's studious and everyone else, because he's friendly. I couldn't think of how to beef up the virtues without being redundant about the flaws, because when I think about it, he's friendly and studious, because of all of his flaws and resourceful, because he's neurotic. He can think of a lot of ways to do things, but also a lot of ways things can go wrong. I rewrote the attacks to make them less powerful and specified how his eternal attack can't be used on himself.
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Posted: Tue Nov 20, 2012 7:34 am
 I will throw your quests to the GM's!
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Posted: Mon Dec 03, 2012 7:14 am
The powers and personality look good to go! Great job working with Matisha.
However I did notice that he is currently listed as 21. 20 is the top age limit for someone to become a senshi, so I need you to drop his age back down. He can still be a knight or negaverse agent if the age thing is very important to you, but I assume with all the work you've put in, dropping the age is probably the easiest. :3
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Posted: Mon Dec 03, 2012 10:59 pm
Iris_virus The powers and personality look good to go! Great job working with Matisha.
However I did notice that he is currently listed as 21. 20 is the top age limit for someone to become a senshi, so I need you to drop his age back down. He can still be a knight or negaverse agent if the age thing is very important to you, but I assume with all the work you've put in, dropping the age is probably the easiest. :3 Thanks much! I'm fine with changing the age, so I edited it to 20 now.
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