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 Posted: Tue Jun 14, 2011 7:03 am
AT please be cautioned that if you do a healing attack we already have a HERB SENSHI with healing attack in play. Peppermint is a HERB. You're not going to want to step on toes, because even if you do go with this route if you start toe stepping the mods will make you change it.
Also.... why is her first name native American? Her family is from France... is there any particular reason that it's not a French first name?
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Posted: Tue Jun 14, 2011 8:45 am
Iris_virus I would be VERY careful if you do decide to try for healing (in fact I would completely suggest avoiding it and going for offense or defense)... This quest is already pretty close to the chibi senshi of herbs since peppermint is indeed an herb. And the senshi of herbs has healing attacks that summons some herbs that heal teammates (eventually her attack will also call forth bad herbs that give rashes but I know peppermint doesn't do that sooo, that's not as worrisome). Oh. Well, I was thinking not about actually summoning the herb, but the feeling of peppermint (which i associate more with the candies and such, not really the herb of mint). Like, for myself, whenever I have peppermint candies, i feel more relaxed. Not sure if that explanation makes sense ><
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Posted: Tue Jun 14, 2011 8:50 am
LP Also.... why is her first name native American? Her family is from France... is there any particular reason that it's not a French first name? Not really. I think I just don't really like a lot of the French names, and whenever I think/say Aquene, not sure why, but it sounds French to me xD And I've always felt like just because you're born in one place, doesn't mean your name has to be from the country of origin >< And... My previous post for trying to explain 'peppermint' when i was thinking of it o:
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Posted: Tue Jun 14, 2011 8:57 am
Hm.... well you can try it. Just be aware that you have to watch out for Hygeia when you're doing the attacks. ^^
-edit /forgot something-
Oh and the reason I asked on the name was because normally unless they've used the internet to find something.... there's a reason behind a certain name as well as an origin that's sort of makes sense with the country the person's from. For characters that are actual people I tend to try to find some way to tie their lines so that it makes sense they'd have such a name. If that makes sense....
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Posted: Tue Jun 14, 2011 9:50 am
I realized a stream of no no no might come off as a little disheartening, so I wanted to give you a more rounded and full crit. Granted I'm not the best at them but I hope it helps if only a little.
First of all appearance wise she is absolutely precious! I know it's not one of the really important things crit wise but I think her fuku and civilian clothes are just adorable. You might be required to add a bit of white to the fuku but other than that, just lovely. heart
Hobbies -
I think the hobbies are great. They're very appropriate for a young girl and are something you can do solo or also with others so that makes it good for rp. I think badminton is a good sport for a delicate child too and very unique to the shop so far!
Virtues and Flaws -
I really suggest trying to find a third (and possibly fourth) virtue and flaw if possible. It's really hard to explain a person fully with only a few traits and goes a long way in showing how your character is different/interesting/something the shop needs compared to others.
That aside I think the ones you do have so far work well. The descriptions are a little bit confusingly written.. a bit too much backstory and not enough explaination of the actual trait, but the trait headings themselves work.
To help you expand them more:
Purposeful - I'm assuming you mean that she feels a drive and purpose in life to try and make people happy yes? How does she go about this? Will she give up her own wants and needs to make someone happy?
Humble/Accepting - You could probably split this to two different virtues. It's interesting that she seems to be accepting of others but not so much of her family. What happens if she does meet the rich Crystal girls? Does she immediately write them off because of their wealth or is she accepting of both rich and poor without judgement?
Withdrawn - Hmm... I think you mean emotionally withdrawn especially because she hides her emotions. Or is she always withdrawn and solitary? I kind of imagine she'd have to be a little social to try and make other people happy but there are ways to work around that if you'd prefer her entirely withdrawn.
Absent minded - Very cute. See below in the powers section for a bizarre idea. ;D
Powerssssss -
I looked up peppermint and unfortunately a lot of the healing powers of peppermint are.. probably not going to come up.
One of it's best uses is for upset tummies, digestive problems, and that sort of thing. I can't really see that coming up in a battle or being useful UNLESS maybe the power could kind of settle a nervous stomach for battle.
It's also sometimes used for coughs and throat issues which also won't really come up unless you happen to be up against an enemy using smoke. So not very useful.
Peppermint oil can help headaches or sooth sore muscles but I'm afraid that would be WAY too close to Hygeia's power. Even if she summons a candy or oil instead of a leaf.. if it does the exact same thing it's still probably going to be to close for the staff to accept.
Some studies have shown that the aroma of peppermint can help with memory and focus. I'd have to check and make sure it doesn't step on the toes of the senshi of aroma BUT given how absentminded she is it might be really cute and really helpful for her if her power basically gave he a boost of focus. It's important to be focused in battle so it would be useful but it's also kind of a subtle power so it would probably work well with the fact that chibi powers aren't supposed to be as powerful as older senshi powers.
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Posted: Tue Jun 14, 2011 1:49 pm
Oh! I actually like the part about adding some more focus into people... That would actually work well with her! *loves the idea*
And more traits... *goes to think of more* <3
edit; and shall work on re-editing the descriptions Cx going on a plane today so yeah 8D
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Posted: Sat Jul 23, 2011 7:16 pm
I know peppermint is used a lot to wake people up- its often used in 'invigorating' scrubs and lotions, so maybe you could use that effect? Summon up peppermint candies/smell that gives allies/enemies a boost in how alert and awake they feel? Perk them up, as it were. It sort of fits in with the defensive/healing standpoint without toe-stepping on too many things while still being distinctly pepperminty.
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Posted: Thu Sep 15, 2011 9:21 am
Finally decided to edit this. orz
- Reworded some traits
- Added a flaw
- Separated a trait into two
- Added attack ideas
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Posted: Fri Sep 16, 2011 12:52 pm
I like your attack ideas and the progression. I think it's neat and can totally see how by eternal stage it does both the good boost for the senshi and a bad thing for the negas. However... the mini bombs in the second stage don't really seem to mesh. It doesn't fit with the first power or the third one and I know they usually warn against powers that shift a lot between defensive/offensive/buff between stages.
So I'd say cut out the bomb part in the super stage and your powers look great. :3
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Posted: Sat Sep 17, 2011 9:25 am
[ I agree with Iris there, love the attacks but the mini bombs just dont work for me! Although its nice to be able to help out hurting the enemy, thats hopefully what your fellow senshi comrades will do! Change that small bit and I think it will work so much better <3 ]
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Posted: Sun Sep 18, 2011 2:56 pm
Removed the bomb-ness and put in the approximate time of the boosts XD
I only thought of the mini-bombs because of... 'explosion'... orz..
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Posted: Sun Sep 18, 2011 6:10 pm
For her hobbies, how does drawing make her feel less lonely? Is it a distraction? Does she meet other artists and hang out with them? Does she pretend the drawings are people? Something else? I also think you could change "Collecting" to "Collecting Toys".
The other things sound fine to me. She sounds like an endearing character.
I also learned a lot, while looking up her namesake, Honoré Gabriel Riqueti, comte de Mirabeau. That is unrelated, but I like learning new things, so thanks. I do think her supportive abilities are apt, since he died of a disease.
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Posted: Mon Sep 19, 2011 9:27 am
Oh! I didn't know that xD Thanks Tenko <3
- Added why drawing makes her less lonely (pretending she's with her parents)
- Changed to 'Collecting Stuffed Animals'
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Posted: Wed Nov 09, 2011 6:36 pm
ON THE CIVILIAN SIDE
Does she still carry around Elephant all the time, or just still have it around at home? She is nine years old, and a lot (although not all) of nine years may have matured out of carrying it around. Collecting is certainly common, but it I think it would be uncommon for a nine-year-old to carry around a stuffed elephant everywhere.
I am confused by the "Purposefulness" virtue. Is it saying that she is generous or charitable? Or that her family has money? Or that she has a desire to help people, but can't? If the latter is the case, then the virtue is too internalized. A virtue needs to be noticeable by others and not a rare occurrence.
The "Accepting" virtue is also confusing. It says that she is acceptant of people who have less money than her, but appears to be judgmental of those who are also wealthy? That does not read as very accepting. Please clarify!
In general, all of the virtues are far too focused on her wealth! Is she "Purposeful" in other ways? Is she "Humble" in other ways than not flaunting her wealth? Is she "Accepting" in other ways other than not being bothered by lower economic classes?
The "Emotionally Withdrawn" flaw can use some clarification. What type of emotions does she hide? How does this effect her? This is unclear to me. Is it that she hides her temper tantrums? If so, this may be too internalized as other characters would not notice this very clearly. I think this flaw needs to be clarified, and then be more externalized and/or more negatively impacting.
At the end of "Absent-Minded," you state that this flaw is why she does not let others know her real name or her wealth - but these reasons were justified earlier with different reasons. How or why does her absent-mindeness play a factor to hiding these things?
For the "Stubborn" flaw, if it is uncommon for the flaw to happen then it isn't very much of a flaw. A flaw should be impacting her on a more frequent basis.
FOR THE POWERED SIDE
Please state somewhere what her sphere exactly is. I am assuming that is Peppermint from the powers!
On the powers, please state what the Scout and Super abilities actually do. Why does she summon peppermint candies? What is their purpose? When it says that the power "sharpens their focus" what does that mean exactly? Also, two minutes and five minutes are way too long of durations - the average battle is roughly five minutes long, so the abilities should last much, much shorter than this!
The time duration issue applies for the Eternal power as well. Please elaborate on what the powers all do - perhaps put the description into paragraph form instead of bullet points to make sure that you do not leave any information out!
Good luck with your revisions! Feel free to quote me when you've made your changes for another read-through! Hope this helps!
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Posted: Wed Nov 09, 2011 7:07 pm
Thanks for the crit! Shall quite you again when I actually finish editing x"D
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