Welcome to Gaia! ::

"Nothing so destroys ambition like the criticism by one's superiors."
-Charles Schwab


That being said, I'm not here to completely critisize. Hope you read this through. smile


I saw this thread three times and actually refused to look at it the first time ^^;

Not to bea mean or anything, but when someone says "Rate My Storys" NAILS ON A CHALKBOARD. I realize we're all human and you're only twelve, but I'm going to give a little advice as I go along.

1. Stories, not 'storys'

2. @poll: Which not witch. (which witch is which? I know, annoying wink )

3. @poll: Equally, not equily, it may sound that way initially, but I assure you it's spelt with an 'a'

okay, first glance I see two large paragraphs. Scroll down and... only two paragraphs? I once saw a prologue with more pages than the first chapter. It was a horrible book but that's not the point xP

A chapter should be many paragraphs, and the paragraph itself should be about a single idea.

The introduction paragraph should decribe the setting and usually introduces some of the characters. Contrary to popular belief, it doesn't have to be about the main character. Take Eragon for example, the first chapter is all about Orcs, a Shade, and elves trying to carry a precious egg to a safe location. In other words, it's setting up the story.

I don't want to just critisize, I want to give you some pointers! How can you improve if you don't know how?

And you will improve, believe me. I thought I was going to publish a book when I was your age too. I look back at it now and read through it... I mean it was a good story to me at the time, but now that I look back... I HAVE NO PLOT. And my diction was off... all over the place in fact.

Diction = voice = how you tell your story

The lesson here is that you will improve with time. Take my word for it. I have been in your shoes. Even if you can't publish now, when you improve I say go for it wink Just make sure you have a set plot, and nice story line.

Anyways, I shall continue reading and shut my mouth for a moment.

"Landing on the roof of another building" is a fragmented sentance. Like I did here, read it without anything else, does it make sense to you?

What landed on the roof? In all sentances you need a subject and a verb.

The verb in this case would be "Landing" but the subject is non-existant. Look at the other reviews and you'll find good alternatives. I just thought I would let you know why your sentance was wrong here.

Another thing I noticed is that you tried to address the reader, with "you" in the second person.

Everyone hates second person, and it's very difficult to write in. I should know, I'm working on a seocnd person "word game" for my forum right now.

In any formal setting, the use of "You" is generally frowned upon and in some cases not permitted at all. A novel is one of those times unless you're going for some kind of effect. You haven't really created the desired effect here.

Try to stick with First person (I saw) or third person (he/she saw) when writing. Most people on Gaia stick with one or the other. I prefer third person myself.




Again, the brackets around "Benjamin" are not required, and the way you just happen to know this stranger's name is a bit... well strange.

If you set it up to explain why you were tailing Ben that would've been a bit better. Even if you go on a short ramble or flashback about how you knew Ben, then it would've made more sense.




I understand what you tried to do with the "Slender" description using the other two men. You tried to describe him without directly saying he was slender, but that they were as slender as he was. In this case, bringing them in actually disrupted the train of thought of thinking about just what he looked like.

If you had described him as a slender figure before hand it might've worked better.

But you used the word slender a bit too much. Try using different words that mean teh same thing. The word escapes me at the moment, but begins with an "S" I'm sure of it...



Story 2

Again, try to refrain from addressing your audience directly.

In movies it's very common, but not in literature.

1. and smart (even thought I have never traveled out of this home).

That would be correct sentance structure. It took me a long time to get that I couldn't just do what you did above, by putting the () in the technical beginning of the sentance.

Just rescently I found out about that so... razz

and you go from talking to the audience to going to past tense.


Spelling again and some grammar:

Pretty not pritty

your not you'r

You're is You Are
You're is like for "you're great", "you're going to be late for school".

Your is like your car, your mother, "your paper is due on monday", something that is yours.

and asking a reader to put down the book is a challenge to the reader, and most people don't really like that. Some people like the attitude, but generally it's not a good idea.





I hope you keep writing and practice to improve!