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 Posted: Sat Jan 01, 2011 10:23 am
GONNA WORK THROUGH THESE IN ORDER. smile Quicksilver the Archangel Most of the traits are well-thought out and make sense to me--I like the weapon choices and the flaws particularly, although I think "Dumb" doesn't quite cover the difficulty in differentiating between reality and fiction. That seems like a higher cognitive problem, but I'm not expert. Looking at Gemma's virtues, though, and I'm a little puzzled. Creative and Easily Amused I can see, but Complacent and Oblivious seem more like flaws than virtues. (To me, Oblivious and Cloudcukoolander don't seem very different at all, for example, even though you have one as a virtue and the other as a flaw.) Maybe those aspects make her work well in the hierarchy of the Negaverse and that's what makes them virtues? But if so that doesn't mean its personal virtues. As of now, though, they seem more detrimental to her. I was thinking of complacent and oblivious as virtues because they make her easy to deal with. She follows orders, she's happy and unstressed, and she doesn't know the meaning of the word angst. (Really, she doesn't.) If that needs to be better worded I can do it, but I don't see them as detrimental to her because they're part of what shapes a world view she rather enjoys. Oblivious and Cloudcukoolander are kind of similar because they're too sides of a similar trait? But where oblivious helps her stay happy, the cloudcuckoolander part of it makes her a hinderance to herself and others. Does that make sense? Maybe I ought to rewrite Oblivious as Cheerful...
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Posted: Sat Jan 01, 2011 11:42 am
chimarii hobbies; i have to wonder why draw if theres nothing else to do?; or even if there really is nothing left to do. couldnt she bring like ... cards to school ? read a book under the table ? i have to think that logically, no one just draws for no reason. maybe that's just my thinking though. i'm a "there's a reason for everything" sort of person xD i like the fantasy thing; it explains why she has the ouja board in the first place and what not. nice touches <3 any reason she likes softball and joined it ? seems kind of random considering the rest of her profile. i realize you did it to match the weapon, but it doesnt really fit in with the whole supernatural derpy-ness xD perhaps a parent forced her ? maybe she joined because a friend did ? the spirits told her ? Added a bit to softball about needing a P.E. credit, and I rewrote "drew you a picture." Hopefully it fits the rest of her personality now? <3 Quote: also, give back my ring >:U ! /shot easily amused is cute <3 as for her complacency, doesn't this sort of ... backfire? i mean, if she does WHATEVER someone says, she could get into some seriously trouble. i think what you're looking for is more obedient than complacent. and doesn't everyone have a point where they say "enough is enough, i dont want to do what you say anymore!" ? and what about bullying; that must happen a lot because of her lackey-likeness. expand a bit is all id say xD Obedient is actually the word I should use, although it's more a case of "This word doesn't mean what Silv thinks it means." I edited the description a bit, too, hope it makes some more sense? Quote: i also hesitate to say that perhaps her daydream-wonderlandness will perhaps lead to some bad RP? if she's only coming into the conversation to say "what happened," how is she supposed to interact with someone? especially since apparently she's non-empathetic. while it works really well for your character, i dont know how much people will like RP-ing with her if shes quite so spacey and dettached. maybe give her a little warmth ? your choice Tweaked Cloudcuckoolander a bit so she's more conversational. smile Quote: also, while i think the idea of an ouja board thing is cute, i dont really get your second and third stage. to me, ouja board, scrying balls, and morning star dont really ... relate. i get the ouja board and scrying balls but ... i dont know- to me it doesnt really "evolve" and transcend during stages. perhaps its just me- could you explain it ? xD hope it helped love <3 Still working on getting this sorted out! The thing about her general weapon is that I'm not even sure she's ever going to get to general - the current plan is for her to stop at Captain, and the general weapon is just in case. Thank you for giving her a looksee! <3
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Posted: Sat Jan 01, 2011 11:43 am
amicableAggressor rubs hands together, ok lets give this a shot and try and find things other people haven't already pointed out sweatdrop first off in the i drew you a picture, you say she gets fidgety and twitchy and needs something to do, but in clap your hands you say she's dreamy and spacey. if she likes daydreaming so much, wouldn't she do that when she has nothing else to do, instead of draw? (seeing as she doesn't really enjoy drawing) uh, complacent and oblivious also do seem to come off as flaws. they may work for gemma, but for people who interact with her, they might end up being aggrivating at the best and infuriating at the worst. virtues are things that other characters admire and view as positive parts of your character, and i really can't imagine anyone going, for example, " I love Gemma! She's soo oblivious, she never pays attention to a word I say!" repeating the whole 'weapons seem disconnected' thing, because the first two ... occult ok, but the third is a sudden jump to medieval weaponry, and i'm pretty sure smashing people with a morning star is a different action from beaning them with a board or throwing globes at them. i love how derpy she is though, good luck X) I think I took care of all this stuff in response to the other critiques - what do you think? I was thinking she typically uses a bit of a baseball bat technique with both the board and the morning star, which is kind of a connection, and then her technique with the scrying balls is also baseball. The crystaline morning star is intended to be a scrying ball design, reinforced and stuck on top of a shaft - does that make sense?
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Posted: Sat Jan 01, 2011 4:02 pm
I can understand why you chose those items, they just don't feel like 'upgrades' to me. (and i think a few other posters)
have you considered other weapons? if she enjoys daydreaming and adventures, why not a 'pick your own adventure' book? she could start off bashing people with it, then advance it to being able to summon monsters from her imagination to attack, and finally drop sailor senshi and her into a dream world they have to defeat her to escape? (she would be assisted in it by monsters she could think up using her imagination)
I'm not sure if that is too magical, but I could think up some other weapons as well if so. smile
i really like her idea, and i feel there are so many more occult/fairytale based weapons that are possible for her to use.
other ideas could be a pencil, since she likes to doodle. it could elongate into a spear through evolution, and when she takes a person starseed, the youma she turns them into is shaped by her imagination. she can then summon the youma at anytime by drawing them on the ground, reminiscent of her doodling in class? X)
(
or if you want to stick with 'spiritual medium' weapons, why not a crystal ball, then a crystal ball on a stick, then on a chain. each level getting more powerfull, and increasing in reach, but with the ball remaining in different forms.
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Posted: Sat Jan 01, 2011 6:22 pm
Let's forget the scrying balls entirely and go straight from an ouija board that she uses as a club to a basic morning star club, since the change in method and back again seems to be throwing people off. Does that make more sense?
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Posted: Sat Jan 01, 2011 6:26 pm
hmmm. well what i would say is which do want more:
the ouja board, which you seem to be more attached to (i wouldnt know, are you ? xD)
or the scrying balls which fits well with her baseball hobby ? o v o
if you pick one or the other, it can easily transfer smoothly i think
??? > scrying balls > scrying ball morning star
or
ouja board > ??? > ouja board morning star.
cause that's what im thinking right now ?
of course, you could not want that at all xDDD
just ideas ? OTL
o 3o ?
edit: by the way, i looked back through the edits you made based on my crit, and i think you did a really good job of covering everything. john wilkes booth on a unicorn. lmao. xD
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Posted: Sat Jan 01, 2011 6:39 pm
yeah i think sticking with either bashing or throwing fixes it alot, it was mainly the switch in fighting styles that seemed strange smile
another way of using it could be as a slicing weapon, leveling it up to be bladed, but this doesn't work with her baseball hobby so disregard it, i'm just still in the 'weapons idea' mode.
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Posted: Sat Jan 01, 2011 6:46 pm
She's going to be using the broad side of the board, so it's definitely more of a smashing weapon! Glad that clears things up. smile
Also she definitely did draw John Wilkes Booth on a unicorn and showed it to everyone in her class, and was kind of confused when no one else found it impressive.
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Posted: Sat Apr 02, 2011 2:15 pm
I would love another round of crit on this quest? <3 Just cleaning up and looking for loose ends?
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Posted: Thu Jun 16, 2011 8:18 pm
MAKE HER A MEMBER OF THE MIDNIGHT CREW.
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Posted: Mon Jul 11, 2011 3:34 pm
You just need to do some fixing on Creative and Oblivious. As it stands, Creative seems more like a hobby than a virtue -- all it's saying is that she likes to do silly wacky things. That's more of a quirk than a genuinely positive trait. It's not really helping her in any situations, it's... just silly.
I think you should replace this with a virtue that describes something she is actually GOOD at in a way that gives her a genuine advantage in RP. She's being painted in a negative light pretty much all across the board, which is going to become tiresome to play: a character who has no good, solid POSITIVE traits is just as bad (and potentially boring) as a character with no good, solid NEGATIVE traits. You don't have to make her a secret genius or anything too jarringly extreme, but you should really give her something that she can be counted on, respected or even admired for.
Oblivious is still reading like a flaw instead of a virtue: you have it included in the description that other people are annoyed by it, which is the base criterion for a negative trait! This can be fixed by just focusing on how she's unaffected by the opinions of people around her -- however, if you want my honest opinion on this, it would be much better to again give her a genuinely good trait instead of one that is technically a flaw but you're trying to count as a virtue in a roundabout way.
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Posted: Tue Jul 19, 2011 3:54 pm
Thank you for looking her over, Mowse! smile I think I see what you're saying and I've revised them both to be more active and positive traits.
For Creative, I've rewritten it a bit into something that others can enjoy her presence for, although I am a bit worried it still sounds hobby-ish.
Creative- Gemma excels at coming up with outlandish and bizarre solutions for everyday problems. Her way of washing dishes might not be the most practical, but it is a lot of fun, and she was definitely that one girl who decided that strapping washcloths to her feet was an easy and entertaining alternative to mopping. Her creativity is also expressed in her approach to schoolwork, like the time she wrote a fifteen-page comic book about Queen Elizabeth I fighting martians to explain the Spanish Armada. Gemma is always good for brightening up a boring task or making a slow afternoon go quicker by making up a game to play or a story to tell. Others admire Gemma for her ability to make the best of any situation, no matter how dismal it may seem going into it.
Oblivious I agree with you is something of a flaw dressed up in virtue's clothing, which is why I've changed it out for Optimistic instead. There's some of the same basic water-off-a-duck's-back stuff in there, but without the drawbacks it had before. Again, something that people can admire in her.
Optimistic- Gemma always looks on the bright side of life. She is unfazed by other peoples opinions or unkind words, and marches confidently to the beat of her own drummer. The small stuff seldom causes her to sweat - in fact, neither does the large stuff. Gemma has declared her personal bubble to be a stress-free zone, and she encourages those she comes in contact with to feel likewise: what's done is done, what's past is past, and what will be... will be. Fix what you can and get on with your life. There's no room in Gemma's world to worry about things that are solidly out of her hands: life is meant to be lived and enjoyed. She takes each day as it comes and is always looking ahead rather than dwelling on past wrongs.
How does this look?
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Posted: Wed Oct 05, 2011 5:19 pm
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