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 Posted: Mon Jun 14, 2010 6:08 pm
HEY YOU.
So I've been pouring over your quest, and I really haven't been able to find anything useful to have you change... I mean... I think she's very established as a character. ANYWAY, I do have some notes. 8D
My first little note (which I’m starting to think it only bothers me… ) is AB+ or -? Lol... Very little detail. I'm sorry for being picky. D:
I like her hobbies! She and Leon can totally be adventure buddies! I like the extra information you've included, and I think even more information added would subtract on time you have to develop her IC as a character. I like the Sudoku puzzles on Brain Age too… /random
The only thing I can think of that I might want to see more information in is her Impatience. I'm not sure where I read it, but I don't think you have to point out which of her flaws is her weakness, but rather have it built into her character so that it's obvious that it could end up hurting her or making people not like her. I can definitely see that in all three of her flaws you have for her.
What I'm curious about is; what do you mean by her hurting herself and others? I understand that she's a spoiled brat, but maybe you can develop it and give possible examples of times where she's caused harm? Mentally and/or physically!
Another little question. Is there any difference in Senshi of the Invisible and Senshi of Invisibility? Her personality seems too prominent for her to be "invisible" to others (especially if she wants something or is in a little temper tantrum XD! ). Just curious on the word choice.
Other than that, I really like her! <3
Best of luck on your quest!
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Posted: Wed Jun 16, 2010 10:48 pm
The first I noticed is the length. While length is good, just realize that in a contest, the judges may end up skimming your profile simply because they have so many other entries to read as well. Perhaps you could cut it down or make a shorter version for contests? The length of your profile isn't glaring, so this is purely suggestion. C:
@Movies: Some food for thought, when I took drama at my school this year my teacher actually said that theater acting and movie acting are quite different from each other.
@Exploring: Just curious, would that mean she'd branch out to other areas of the city? Since, you know, if you frequent the same shops or movie theater over and over, you're bound to find the same places. And my character Sydney would totally join Lottie on this. Sydney just can't stop moving and is always out and about in the city.
@Goal oriented: Parenthesis not needed. In her movie hobby you already said she joined the drama club at Crystal.
It may just be me, but by "personal development" you mean, exactly . . . ? orz /confused
@Dependable: "Lottie learned very early on that agreeing to a responsibility was one thing, but actually showing up was something entirely else", I think it'd be better to say "but actually doing it was something entirely else".
Where does she draw the line at helping others? For example, would she agree to help someone break into the school system to change their grades? Would she help them do something she doesn't think is the best course of action?
@Impatient: You don't need to actually state that it's a weakness. Your description should show it. C: And another question, if she wanted it, how come she never made it a goal? not important enough? Too expensive (if it was materialistic)?
@Attacks: For her first attack, I think it may be a bit too long? I'm not sure, but most starter attacks tend to be at 30 seconds.
I think her super senshi is definitely too long. A fight generally lasts for a few minutes, so a minute should suffice.
Again, her eternal is too long. I'm also wondering if the attack is a bit too similar to her previous 2 attacks? The only real difference, from what I can tell, is that she can use a shield. Not sure if that's different enough, but maybe think it over?
Overall: There really isn't anything glaring for me to point out, other than that I suggest personally reading through your quest to pick out some slight grammar errors. Some sentences also don't flow quite as well (in my opinion) because of a comma, so be careful with that.
Lottie seems like a fully fleshed out character and appears to be quite realistic. Good job. :>
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Posted: Wed Jun 16, 2010 11:23 pm
HEY GUINE.
Thanks, that's awesome news.
AB+ or AB-? Hhmm. I will have to look up the difference in personality. (Are you AB?)
And thank you for informing me about the Invisible/ Invisibility thing. She's definitely not invisible, so that'd be a good change of word!
@Syu
I was not aware of that! I will definitely make a shortened version for contests. Thank you for alerting me to that!
For the movie and theater connection, I had an acting teacher tell us the same thing, but for Lottie she feels that all parts of film should be researched, and since film started in the theater she wants to start there too. She's young and feels she has time, so she plans on joining a film club when she has more classics under her belt.
Of course! She and Sydney should definitely explore together, especially if Sydney goes out of the city, because Lottie wouldn't want to do that alone.
Thanks for pointing out the parentheses, I had that in the original draft and hadn't changed it. Oops.
By personal development she means being more positive or kind to strangers, studying harder or even trying not to be such of a spoiled brat.
Better word choice is better! And Lottie wouldn't help someone break into the school because she would first advise them to study more, then get upset when they continue to fail. Lottie is too stubborn to let her friends do something stupid or something she thinks is wrong.
I will definitely fix the attacks as I wasn't sure the correct length.
With her Eternal Attack, I'm not really sure how to make it more different than her first too and not making it too powerful. XD If you have any suggestions, that would be great!
As for the weakness, oops! I had read it once in another's profile where they openly stated their weakness, so I will definitely go change that. Heh heh...
Thank you both for your crits! I'll go look over her profile and fix her to your suggestions. Yipee!!
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Posted: Mon Jun 21, 2010 7:27 pm
Updated everything you both suggested that was not answered here. ^__^
Though, I couldn't find the grammar mistakes or think of a way to make her eternal attack drastically different from her other two attacks.
Any suggestions would be very much appreciated!!
ALSO. Does anyone think her change in Impatience is a little too extreme?? D: I'm not sure whether to just go ahead and add her senshi-like qualities, or let them develop on their own? Any help?
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Posted: Mon Sep 14, 2015 11:36 pm
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