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 Posted: Mon May 10, 2010 12:30 pm
Okay, I've changed the spheres and it's powers.
I know, I seem inconstant, but with reason. The shield sphere was too complicated for me to have fun with and not worth the time to hone it (at least in my opinion, other people may like it). I want this character to be the best it can be because I don't know if I'll be this lucky again and win another anytime soon.
I did the new sphere and it's powers carefully, trying to remember what everyone thought me. I want to keep it simple and fun.
Later on I'll change the character a lot, the one I have right now is too sweet and is making me sick.~
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Posted: Mon May 10, 2010 12:32 pm
Billiards isn't an applicable sphere. According to The Other Wiki, it's only from the 15th century, so it wouldn't have been around in the Silver Millennium for there to be a senshi of it. The age cutoff for spheres is about 1,000 AD.
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Posted: Mon May 10, 2010 12:38 pm
I think you might benefit a lot from reading the Quester Handbook as well as the other resources around that's available to the public? It's been mentioned multiple times in multiple places that 'modern' spheres are a no-go, so. <33
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Posted: Mon May 10, 2010 12:43 pm
I forgot the first rule in making a sphere... I deserve this.
EDIT: Changing the sphere name to ricochet (or rebound) and parts of it's attacks description avoids this problem of age. Agree? (ricochets are older then humanity...)
I know it still looks like billiard, but it will only serve to create and use the ricochet effect.
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iStoleYurVamps
iStoleYurVamps
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Posted: Mon May 10, 2010 4:08 pm
Bhek Sailor Scout Attack: Bull’s-eye! The senshi creates a small energy sphere, which floats in the air in the air while he creates a long and thin pole. He uses the pole to hit the sphere, aiming at an enemy target. The sphere may ricochet once if it hits an object or structure, but it loses more than half of its power by doing so. That ricochet, if well calculated, may hit a target from behind. Improving: The user can spend one or more posts aiming to have a better chance at succeeding with the attack; each post spent aiming slightly raises his chances of success.
Drawback: It’s a difficult attack to control without practice, especially the ricochet. Therefore missing the shot or even friendly fire is common for the first user. Can only be used twice a day and tires the senshi after each use. Still seeing billiards. Perhaps go for: Launches energy orb to a wall to gain power/momentum so when it hits enemy it's more powerful depending on how hard it was thrown, at what wall, ect. Drawbacks would be that after one bounce the energy is uncontrollable and can hit caster, ally, or civilian. And again, starter senshi can only use their attack ONCE a day. Quote: Super Sailor Scout Attack: Money shot! The senshi creates the same pole, but now three energy spheres. They float in a triangular formation while the senshi hits one of the spheres, which hits the other two, shooting all three at the enemies. Every sphere is able to ricochet as in the first attack, making them as dangerous for the enemies as for unwanted targets. Improving: The user can spend one or more posts aiming to have a better chance at succeeding with the attack; each post spent aiming slightly raises his chances of success.
Drawback: Even harder to control and may lead to severe collateral damage. Only someone with a lot of training can perform this with competence. It may only be used twice a day and considerably tires the senshi after each use. Again, billiards. Try for: Launches one ball at a wall that breaks into 3. Then they can hit one more wall before becoming uncontrollable. Quote: Eternal Sailor Attack: Whole lotta love! This attacks is very similar to the first, but it shouldn’t be taken for granted. There’s only one energy sphere, but it’s made from much more energy, giving it speed, destruction power and unpredictability. This makes it a large bet to use, so it’s up to the senshi if the outcome is worth the risk. Improving: The user can spend one or more posts aiming (at least one for this attack) to have a better chance at succeeding with the attack; each post spent aiming slightly raises his chances of success.
Drawback: This is dangerous and very hard to control even for the most skilled. Consumes at least one turn aiming, can only be used once a day and leaves the senshi exhausted. I can't crit because it plays too much off of billiards and not ricochet
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Posted: Mon May 10, 2010 6:43 pm
Thanks again for the critique, Vamps. I revised the powers and posted them at the first page, second post.
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Posted: Wed May 12, 2010 11:10 am
Update. I've edited the attacks and posted their visuals.
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Posted: Wed May 12, 2010 3:25 pm
Hello! You asked for a crit a couple days ago and it took me this long to actually have enough time to finish. @___@; I'm sorry about it being long. And I realize you've updated since I started, so if you see any inconsistencies, please ignore them. Anyway! Onto the crit!
I really like the hobbies you have for him. I haven’t seen many with an interest in motorcycles, so that should be a fun topic of conversation. At least he’ll know what to do, more or less, for other vehicles too, right?
Guitar is another nice hobby, I find. Nothing wrong with knowing how to play an instrument! And I think that the sketching ties nicely into the motorcycle hobby. He has a creative streak, after all.
Super minor typos — “away from the wrong people, people worse than him.”
“keeps saying that has potential,”
Virtues
Cunning seems to be a sound virtue to me. You’re getting a little off topic with how he doesn’t take initiative in his classes and in his life, so if you could, I would love to see more of his cunning. Maybe another example of it? Or even some more about his whole… not being arrested thing! Is there anything he does to get out of situations?
Perceptive — Some grammar work here. (Forgive me, I beta for my bff and it kinda jumps out at me )
Just how perceptive is he? What if someone was “pretending” to be upset or something like that? Could he be tricked into thinking one thing when it’s really the other? Especially if the other person was very good with acting/faking what they’re thinking?
Loyalty trait looks good. It makes me curious about him as a person, though. I kind of want to see him in those kinds of situations, though that’s not possible at the moment, for obvious reasons.
Optimist — “ask him about this at your own risk”
Even though he claims to be an optimistic person, the way you’ve written it makes me think that he’s really just faking it, and even if he’s smiling at the end of the day, he doesn’t really feel it. I don’t know. I guess it would take actual character development to see more of him and what he’s really thinking. He feels like a tough nut to crack in that respect.
Flaws
Wiseass — “an especially”
I feel that this could have a little more information in it, especially where his perception comes into play. I’m just not sure how far you’ll be able to get with a character that knows how everyone is feeling. Again there could be instances in which he doesn’t know, such as someone who is upset but doesn’t show it, or someone to just plays along, but doesn’t like what he’s saying.
Reckless — “rules(,) which”/ “rules that”
Why did he grow tired of being a nice guy? Did something happen to set him off?
Arrogant — I feel as though his arrogance could get him into even more trouble than his recklessness, especially if he starts assuming things about people that aren’t true. (the dinner scene in the new Sherlock Holmes movie comes to mind, if you’ve seen it. About how he “reads” Mary and is wrong about some facts. )
Casanova — I think you could add a little more onto how this is a flaw. I mean, obviously, but a little more information directly tying to it won’t hurt? Obviously you don’t have to do anything I’ve suggested. XD; I do like this with the concept of “rebounding” though!
Attacks
Sailor Scout Attack — What if it’s caught?? Like in dodgeball? D: Like… it was thrown at a wall to rebound off of, but before hitting the wall, a teammate jumps in and grabs it? Er, I’m not sure if that’s possible, but… just a thought.
Super Sailor Scout Attack — “it more unstable than before.”
Overall I think you have the makings for a strong character. There’s just the random grammar/spelling errors that need fixing and some more looking into fleshing out his character, but other than that, you’ve got a great start. I would like to see more of the “rebound” aspect in his character, whether that be editing his attacks a little or even making his personality more like his Senshi half. I’m excited for you, though! Best of luck on your quest!!
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Posted: Wed May 12, 2010 7:56 pm
Don't worry about taking your time to write, Guine, you did an amazing job critiquing and I'm speechless for it. It helped a lot, made me think about Brass in a much deeper way and develop his personality further. (the new version can be seen at the front page)
The help with grammar is also very welcome. English isn't my first language and I'm rather insecure about it, so I need all the help I can get.
Also, I never thought about "what if someone grabs it?" regarding the attacks. That was so surprising! I wrote some rules that predict that behavior, thanks for pointing it out. <3
About the "rebound" aspect in Brass's personality, this time I paid close attention into connecting it to every trait, but I'm not sure I managed.
You could possibly see it at his constant escape from law enforcement, the hide and seek game with skilled actors, reaction to family grief with strong optimism, reaction to though childhood with reckless behavior, etc.
I'm not sure how Loyalty connects to it though, I couldn't come up with something good for that.
There's also something interesting about his senshi name that connects to rebound. Galahad was Lancelot's b*****d son and the personification of Jesus in knightly tales, so he was the embodiment of purity and righteousness. Brass is a delinquent with a pure heart, sometimes being true to Galahad's nature and others being the very opposite. He goes back and forth, ever rebounding (maybe that's how loyalty is connected).
Nonetheless, thank you so much for the taking the time to write this critique, I really appreciate how thoughtful it is. I love how you compliment while analyzing, it’s an essential part of the perfect critique (points to me where I’m doing it right).
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Posted: Fri May 14, 2010 12:47 pm
Update - Added a 4th and last hobby, "ball games", that works really well with the senshi powers. Also added two nicknames, "King" and "Brassy", both related to his lifestyle and personality.
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Posted: Sat May 15, 2010 1:07 pm
Hey Bhek! Time for a follow-up crit! XD
I really like how you’ve added the little extra bit about his nicknames. It gives him a lot more background instead of popping up out of nothing.
I’m also really liking the added hobby of Ball Games. It definitely ties into his Senshi. It reminds me of the game my siblings and cousins play (I’m from a huge family) called “Wall ball” that is a strange version of Racquet ball, but they use their hands and throw a ball against a wall and… something about catching it before it hits the ground, or one bounce… ANYWAY. That was completely off topic.
Virtues and Flaws — I love what you’ve added to these!! Just the little bits add so much to who he is as a person, especially the little bits about his history and what makes him who he is. I can definitely see him being a Senshi of Rebound now. I can especially see him being the “rebound” for girls when they go through a nasty breakup. XD; I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. I guess Brass isn’t complaining, though.
Also, good cover with his attacks. Kind of like… human contact causes the attack to go to the end result.
Another thing to think about. What if, say, a Negaverse character with a baseball bat ends up “redirecting” the attack by hitting it? Like, it’s thrown at a wall, and instead of catching it, they just use the rebound for their own benefit and knock it out of its path?
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Posted: Sat May 15, 2010 1:25 pm
Thanks you Guine, for the crits. ^^
I'm glad you liked the changes I've made. The crits were excellent and made me look deeper into his personality. I grew so fond of him while doing it.
Ah, it's wasn't off topic, I read about this wall ball in my research for Kings, it's indeed very similar. The one bounce is essential to connect it to how the Rebound techniques work.
Hahaha, he will definitely be the rigth guy to wipe your tears and give you a the happiest night of your life! xD
You come with the best ideas! That didn't crossed my mind.
I believe that, when the ball hits a wall, for example, it can be calculated, but a negaverse with something to hit sounds very dangerous, because he can redirect it.
I'll add a rule to work with that, by either making it explode upon nega weapon attack (a strong impact with dark energy) or simply saying that it is something bad that could happen.
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Posted: Sat May 15, 2010 2:08 pm
Bhek I'll add a rule to work with that, by either making it explode upon nega weapon attack (a strong impact with dark energy) or simply saying that it is something bad that could happen.I think this is a good idea. There is a lot of potential for hilarious accidents there. This is also not my crit. That is coming later. XD
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Posted: Sat May 15, 2010 2:54 pm
Name: Just curious, how is it pronounced? (Okay this part is less of a crit and more of a curiosity.)
School: What is he studying at Sovereign? They pick majors there, so something to think about~
Hobbies:
Choppers - You say his "favorite ride" is his Vespa. How many bikes does he own? Are they mostly his family's/dad's or does he have a collection himself?
Ball games – Is this his form of exercise? Some of the sports you list aren't very athletic (billiards, pinball). Does he prefer those games, that don't require a lot of physical energy, or does he prefer more intense games (basketball, dodgeball, tennis, baseball, etc.)? Is there any reason he loves balls so much? So much that he dismisses footballs as a ball?
Guitar – No crits here~
Sketching – No crits here~
Virtues:
Cunning – You talk a lot here about him being a delinquent. This is the virtues section, so I'd separate this up and make it a 'Cunning' virtue [focusing just on that] and then a 'Delinquent' flaw, and be clear on what he does and does not do [[you can tie this into your 'Devil may care' flaw, too]].
Perceptive – No crits here, really, just make sure in RPs to not over do this/be a mindreader~
Loyal – no crits here~
Optimist – no crits here~
Flaws:
Wiseass – No crits here~
Devil-may-care – You say he follows his own code of morals, clear that up? What does he find NOT okay? Is there anything that's typically wildly unethical? Remember, the character you are going for is a Senshi so I'd recommend not getting too out of hand here. If he doesn't like structure or rules and puts morals or ethics aside, how will he handle as a Senshi?
Casanova – What makes this a flaw instead of a hobby or a characteristic? Does he get around too much? Can he not keep it in his pants? Is he unable to stay faithful if he ever is in a relationship?
Sphere: Rebound seems a little strange of a name. Senshi of Balls kind of...I don't think you would want to do that unless you're okay will many jokes - but 'Rebound' seems a little off? The theme/powers are okay [the name 'Money shot' makes me laugh, not sure if you meant that...], but there might be a better sphere name out there.
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Posted: Sat May 15, 2010 6:39 pm
WOW. 2 threads made and still no accepting! well, i don't mean to be man, but now i think it is better.
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