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Update Feb 10, 2010 4:59pm

- Updated his flaws and reworked them.

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Congrats on the custom slot! I think you should tweak Priorities are in Order a bit to showcase his SENSE of priority -- like, it's good that he has that schedule, but that doesn't tell us too much about how the virtue would apply in an RP. IIRC what I was looking for in my original crit was a description of an ability to make a structured set of tasks out of any obligations that are thrown at him, if that makes sense. It's the ability part that's what's important, since it's something he can use to help out other characters as well as himself. c:

With Commands Authority I'd like to see a bit more on the confidence and willingness part. How does that effect his behavior in a way that's constructive and helpful? Saying that he "directs the group" doesn't tell us much.


One thing that's kind of sticking out right now is that you have this confident personality who's very adamant about keeping his priorities in order... and yet he's weak-willed enough to oblige requests from everyone? This seems really contradictory: I'd expect him to be able to say no to someone if what they're asking of him interferes with his schedule too much. The guilt-inspired agreeing to everything doesn't match up with the other things you have going on without some explanation.

If you want to keep the basic idea behind his People Pleasing trait, I suggest that maybe he's Overbooked and always takes on too many tasks because he's overconfident about his ability to handle them all? I also need to see more on how this is bad aside from the stress it compounds on him (you already have a flaw that covers that). Is it that he's always busy with something and never really gives his friends his full attention? Does he tend to be distracted with his mental to-do list to the point where it leaks into conversation even at really inappropriate times? I'd be pretty annoyed to hang around a guy who starts mumbling about some furniture he has to rearrange when I'm asking him about something completely unrelated. XD

Matt's addictive tendencies seem more appropriate as a quirk or hobby than a flaw: he's just cycling through new non-harmful habits all the time, and this doesn't have a negative effect on him or others around him. It's odd, but not a reason to dislike or disrespect him. I'd replace this with something else that's more appropriate.

Easily Stressed just needs more focus on how he tends to be a cranky guy. XD Right now it comes off mostly like sympathy-fishing for his awful stressful life than a flaw description. The flaw set is all about showing the ugly, frustrating, and outright irritating side of your character so you shouldn't be afraid to depict him as such.



Weapon progression should not include General-King weapon: that's addressed if you earn that stage! However, your weapons in general actually seem a bit UNDERpowered. XD Throwing knives would be just fine as a General weapon, and in fact Fluorite has throwing knives as her Captain weapon. You could get away with upping the ante a little bit, and I suggest you do so.

Hmm, Takes Charge is kind of reading off like a "Bossy" flaw instead of a virtue, a bit. Takes Action would be more appropriate -- e.g. focus on his willingness to get things done and encourage others to do the same? That's the admirable part more than the ordering people around part. You can look up to someone who's always motivated to finish what's on his plate.

Since Cranky and Short-Tempered are kind of the same thing, you could also replace one of those with Bossy if you think he's going to try imposing himself as a leader very often / has a tendency to be a little too aggressive with his help and advice. I'd replace Short-Tempered because flaws that apply consistently are more acceptable than flaws that only happen once in a while.

Priorities just needs an explicit statement that he has a good sense of priority and knows how to manage his time. That's the important part of it so it needs to be stated clearly!

Other than that, I think you're alright. I'd just tack off the Why the Negaverse? section because Charonite isn't around anymore, not to mention there's no guarantee people are going to gravitate towards the guy as a leader. But that's not going to affect whether you're stamped, it's more of a heads-up.

I just would like to point out a little something - there are two Matthews in the shop, and they're both in the negaverse. XD

Im not saying OMG U MUST CHANGE IT NAO, just pointing that out in case you would prefer a less-used name !

A'right, so the many Matts of the Negaverse don't go, "Yes?" all at the same time, I've changed his name to something still 'M', but a different name. biggrin