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 Posted: Sat Feb 20, 2010 5:44 pm
No prob Rabs, this is actually helping me to improve with my critiquing and my own RP posts.
Skaiano, I can see what you mean. You do a wonderful job of setting the scene and elaborating upon it, but it seems that your first post lacks substance; like a lone chicken wing on a huge platter surrounded by nothing but garnish, it looks pretty but you want more (hehe, sorry working on my similes). Basically you do give us a lot to see but little is going on giving the other RPers little to work with.
Not to mention it seems closed off, making it hard for anyone else to interact with your character without out right barging in.
I wish that I could see how others react to your posts so that I'd have a better understanding of how it works with them but to me it just seems like you're working solo or merely contributing part to a round robin story.
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Posted: Tue Feb 23, 2010 7:32 am
I'm looking to expand all my post. Usually i only post one to two sentences, i rarely ever post a paragraph. But i've decided being a casual roleplayer wont get my guild very far. So heres a couple of Sentences I've recently posted:
Hydro looked over at Dyroth unsure of what was behind the door. "Should we knock the door down?" He asked.
"Lead the way." Hydros dark skin began to give off its own heat for a little bit. "Angel, You just going to stand there all day?"
Please be as critical as you can, I can take it lol.
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Posted: Tue Feb 23, 2010 11:06 pm
M. Hydro-
What I would suggest you do to expand on your role-play posts is that you delve deeper into the internal mindset of your characters. What do they think and feel when they take in their surroundings? Adding in more of the 5 senses wouldn't hurt either, sight, sound, touch, smell...The...other one...<_< [help me out here, I know there's five...Anyway, I'm running on cold medicine right now, please forgive me.]
If you could work on posting at least 5 sentences a post for awhile, as a challenge, you might find that it brings some additional elements to a role-play. The inclusion of small character details can really color a story in an interesting way.
I haven't forgotten everyone else! I'll work on some more reviews/critiques soon. :]
Thanks so much for being patient with me.
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Posted: Wed Feb 24, 2010 12:04 am
Taste is the sense you're looking for. It usually never comes up unless you're eating, or something has such a powerful smell that you can taste it too.
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Posted: Wed Feb 24, 2010 5:55 am
Rabscuttle M. Hydro- What I would suggest you do to expand on your role-play posts is that you delve deeper into the internal mindset of your characters. What do they think and feel when they take in their surroundings? Adding in more of the 5 senses wouldn't hurt either, sight, sound, touch, smell...The...other one...<_< [help me out here, I know there's five...Anyway, I'm running on cold medicine right now, please forgive me.] If you could work on posting at least 5 sentences a post for awhile, as a challenge, you might find that it brings some additional elements to a role-play. The inclusion of small character details can really color a story in an interesting way. I haven't forgotten everyone else! I'll work on some more reviews/critiques soon. :] Thanks so much for being patient with me. Like this?: Hydro looked from Mia to Dark angel, not knowing which way to go. "Lead The way." Hydro commanded. "Angel, Are you just going to stand there all day?" He said angerly. He had never been to earth before.
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Posted: Wed Feb 24, 2010 10:26 am
Master_Hydro Like this?: Hydro looked from Mia to Dark angel, not knowing which way to go. "Lead The way." Hydro commanded. "Angel, Are you just going to stand there all day?" He said angerly. He had never been to earth before. It's a good start, but you should also remember that in roleplays you generally have to interact with other people. It's hard for others to be able to reply to you, if you only give them a few lines at one time. Try and create at least a paragraph. Your sentence structure is decent, as is your grammar and spelling. Let's see... For example, I can take your sentences above: Quote: Hydro looked from Mia to Dark angel, not knowing which way to go. "Lead The way." Hydro commanded. "Angel, Are you just going to stand there all day?" He said angerly. He had never been to earth before. And add some more descriptive language/description to get something like: Quote: He looked from Mia, and then turned his head towards Dark Angel. He had no idea which way to go, for he had never been to Earth before, and was unaware of what he should do now. The thought of being helpless made him angry, so his words carried a particular bite when he spoke next: "Lead the way." He paused, and then turned towards the second of his companions "Angel, are you just going to stand there all day?" A paragraph is about 5 sentences, and because we've broadened your post, others who are roleplaying with you know how to react better. They know why Hydro is mad (he hasn't been to earth), and they also have a better idea of his state of mind. When writing, always ask yourself these questions: "Why is my character doing what he's doing?" "Why does his feel like this? (angry, sad, excited, etc) What is the reason for those emotions?" "What does he see? Feel? Taste? Touch? Smell?" "Who are his companions? Is he alone? How many companions does he have? Does he like all of them?" In short, it all goes back to the first question: "Why is my character doing what he's doing?" If you'd like, we could do an exercise. I can give you a scenario, a setting, and some misc character (like: the boy) and you can see what you can make from that using only the questions above. Just for practice. :]
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Posted: Wed Feb 24, 2010 2:41 pm
ClaraDusk- This is a little easier to solve than you may think, try changing it up a bit by using her name in place of 'she', you can do the same with her title, occupation, gender, or race if it varies from the normal human being unless there's a large variety of races in the RP. Instead of Quote: She wrapped her arms around her knees and sat there with her face buried in her knees. Try Quote: Clara (since I don't have a clue as to the name) wrapped her arms around her knees and sat there with her face buried in her knees. or Quote: The young demoness wrapped her arms around her knees and sat there with her face buried in her knees.
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Posted: Wed Feb 24, 2010 10:01 pm
Veste Master_Hydro Like this?: Hydro looked from Mia to Dark angel, not knowing which way to go. "Lead The way." Hydro commanded. "Angel, Are you just going to stand there all day?" He said angerly. He had never been to earth before. It's a good start, but you should also remember that in roleplays you generally have to interact with other people. It's hard for others to be able to reply to you, if you only give them a few lines at one time. Try and create at least a paragraph. Your sentence structure is decent, as is your grammar and spelling. Let's see... For example, I can take your sentences above: Quote: Hydro looked from Mia to Dark angel, not knowing which way to go. "Lead The way." Hydro commanded. "Angel, Are you just going to stand there all day?" He said angerly. He had never been to earth before. And add some more descriptive language/description to get something like: Quote: He looked from Mia, and then turned his head towards Dark Angel. He had no idea which way to go, for he had never been to Earth before, and was unaware of what he should do now. The thought of being helpless made him angry, so his words carried a particular bite when he spoke next: "Lead the way." He paused, and then turned towards the second of his companions "Angel, are you just going to stand there all day?" A paragraph is about 5 sentences, and because we've broadened your post, others who are roleplaying with you know how to react better. They know why Hydro is mad (he hasn't been to earth), and they also have a better idea of his state of mind. When writing, always ask yourself these questions: "Why is my character doing what he's doing?" "Why does his feel like this? (angry, sad, excited, etc) What is the reason for those emotions?" "What does he see? Feel? Taste? Touch? Smell?" "Who are his companions? Is he alone? How many companions does he have? Does he like all of them?" In short, it all goes back to the first question: "Why is my character doing what he's doing?" If you'd like, we could do an exercise. I can give you a scenario, a setting, and some misc character (like: the boy) and you can see what you can make from that using only the questions above. Just for practice. :] This is so much help! Thanks. I'd like an exercise, shoot it at me please.
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Posted: Thu Feb 25, 2010 6:31 pm
Quote: Character: A young boy; no more then seventeen years old. He has no name, so you're free to add in your own. He's not human, but his race is not identified. He's in the middle of a lake, moving across it by way of stepping stones, some as large as a dinner table, and some barely wider then a plate. Setting: The lake is massive, the edges of it disappearing into the horizon. Mist slides across the surface, making visibility difficult. The water is dark, so he cannot see very far into the liquid. However, sometimes darker shadows will slide below the water's surface. Something inhabits the lake, but it is not yet known if they are friendly or not. The air is thick with mist, and it is cold here, trapped in the middle of this massive body of water. He cannot see either sky nor earth. Character's Motivation: He wants to get the other side of the lake. You are free to add in the reason why. Additional Information: He's not human, but he has no powers that will help him here. He cannot fly, and he cannot control water. He is dressed as a traveler, and carries a sword. He is scared of water, so he remains particularly on edge. He is alone. Alright, so we have your basic information. Now ask yourself:"Why is my character doing what he's doing?" "Why does his feel like this? (angry, sad, excited, etc) What is the reason for those emotions?" "What does he see? Feel? Taste? Touch? Smell?" I want to challenge you a little, so make your reply... 10 sentences long.That's only 2 paragraphs.Push yourself to write whatever comes to mind! :'D I added in some additional information about what he's feeling and why to make it a little easier!
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Posted: Thu Feb 25, 2010 7:05 pm
moonlightwolf111 In the crowd Skyy waited for the show to start. The sooner it was finished, the quicker she could make sure the final act was Mr. Cross's final act before meeting her bullet. The gun and silencer was safely hidden in her bag, along with the VIP pass that Taylor had given her two days ago. Somewhere in the crowd was her father and little brother, support was a good thing as she mumbled in rapid Japanese. It was her second language, but useful for setting her plans. It was one of the things her mother made sure she knew, language and her education, though home schooled.
At last he came out, and she kept a serious face up, he wasn't an idol to her, just another target in her ever growing list. When he started singing, something seemed to change. Her heart felt the emotions he was putting into that first song. He was good, hitting her where it was the hardest, the heart. She bit her lower lip, reminding herself that she couldn't fail with her father in the crowd. Not with ten million on the line. The song ended and she couldn't help but clap quietly as she just listened to his playing. Hendrix, not bad choice. He wasn't half bad, but something was starting to make her plans fade so she slipped a hand into her bag to feel the gun and set of gloves that she would use after. Her own clothing was darker in color so any blood wouldn't show well and she could vanish into the night.Just want somebody to give some tips. The flow feels odd. I think the reason the flow feels odd is because you jump around a lot. Your post goes from talking to one thing to rapidly hopping into something else without any real flow from one to the other. Like this for example: Quote: The gun and silencer was safely hidden in her bag, along with the VIP pass that Taylor had given her two days ago. Somewhere in the crowd was her father and little brother, support was a good thing as she mumbled in rapid Japanese. You say she has the gun in her bag, and then we suddenly learn about her father and brother. Perhaps if it was presented in a different format, mayhaps like: Quote: She fingered the VIP pass hanging around her neck, the comforting edges of the plastic offering her a brief respite from the thick crowd. She had support, even in this crowd full of strangers, for it had been Taylor who had given her the pass itself, and she knew her family was with her. Somewhere, lost in that throng of people where her brother and father, offering her support. She knew them; they were her family, as comforting as the quiet Japanese she mumbled under her breath. It had been her mother who had taught her, amongst all the home-schooling and etiquette. She had her family here with her. Also, your sentences have a tendency to run together. You might consider breaking a few of them up, once you get the flow going. You could take this one: Quote: He wasn't half bad, but something was starting to make her plans fade so she slipped a hand into her bag to feel the gun and set of gloves that she would use after. And make it: Quote: The singer -her target- wasn't half bad. However, she was brought back to the moment, no matter how enchanting his music was. He was good, but right now she couldn't afford to think of that. She slipped her hand into her bag. The metal of the gun pressed into her palm, and she was surprised at the warmth of it. The weapon had leeched the body heat from her, sharing them with the gloves that also occupied the dark space. She cursed under her breath, for she had already made a mistake. In her movement to remind herself of her mission, the blades of her fingers had touched her murder weapon. The impression of her fingertips remained; She would have to deal with that. Of course, it doesn't have to be that friggin' big. And one more thing! Quote: The sooner it was finished, the quicker she could make sure the final act was Mr. Cross's final act before meeting her bullet. This sentence is a little clunky because you reused "final act" in quick succession. I understand the play on words, but at the same time it became a little too repetitive. Maybe something like: Quote: The sooner it was finished, the quicker she could make sure the final act was Mr. Cross's final one before meeting her bullet. Just change a word, and already it starts to flow a little better. x] <33 Otherwise! Good strong structure to it all, and a nice use of suspense! :'D
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Posted: Thu Feb 25, 2010 8:58 pm
Thanks Veste. I see where I needed to improve.
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Posted: Fri Feb 26, 2010 7:24 pm
Veste Quote: Character: A young boy; no more then seventeen years old. He has no name, so you're free to add in your own. He's not human, but his race is not identified. He's in the middle of a lake, moving across it by way of stepping stones, some as large as a dinner table, and some barely wider then a plate. Setting: The lake is massive, the edges of it disappearing into the horizon. Mist slides across the surface, making visibility difficult. The water is dark, so he cannot see very far into the liquid. However, sometimes darker shadows will slide below the water's surface. Something inhabits the lake, but it is not yet known if they are friendly or not. The air is thick with mist, and it is cold here, trapped in the middle of this massive body of water. He cannot see either sky nor earth. Character's Motivation: He wants to get the other side of the lake. You are free to add in the reason why. Additional Information: He's not human, but he has no powers that will help him here. He cannot fly, and he cannot control water. He is dressed as a traveler, and carries a sword. He is scared of water, so he remains particularly on edge. He is alone. Alright, so we have your basic information. Now ask yourself:"Why is my character doing what he's doing?" "Why does his feel like this? (angry, sad, excited, etc) What is the reason for those emotions?" "What does he see? Feel? Taste? Touch? Smell?" I want to challenge you a little, so make your reply... 10 sentences long.That's only 2 paragraphs.Push yourself to write whatever comes to mind! :'D I added in some additional information about what he's feeling and why to make it a little easier! Isaac knealt on the large rock in the middle of a river. Come on Isaac, slow your fear. You need to save those kids! He thought to himself. He stood up and stuck out his foot, only to get it wet in water. He paniced and slipped off the rock. He flailed about thrashing through the water. He fealt a large mass of something pass by his body, as he reached for another rock. He pulled himself up and became stabble on the rock. He ran and jumped to another rock and finally saw some land...
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Posted: Mon Mar 01, 2010 11:43 am
Master_Hydro Isaac knealt on the large rock in the middle of a river. Come on Isaac, slow your fear. You need to save those kids! He thought to himself. He stood up and stuck out his foot, only to get it wet in water. He paniced and slipped off the rock. He flailed about thrashing through the water. He fealt a large mass of something pass by his body, as he reached for another rock. He pulled himself up and became stabble on the rock. He ran and jumped to another rock and finally saw some land... Alright, let's start out small. You had a few spelling mistakes: Quote: Isaac knelt on the large rock in the middle of a river. (It was actually a lake, oops!)Come on Isaac, slow your fear. You need to save those kids! He thought to himself. He stood up and stuck out his foot, only to get it wet in water. He panicked and slipped off the rock. He flailed about , thrashing through the water. He felt a large mass of something pass by his body, as he reached for another rock. He pulled himself up and became stable on the rock. He ran and jumped to another rock and finally saw some land... Remember to always spell-check. Firefox and Google Chrome browsers come with a spell-check already integrated into the format of the browser. If you're using IE, or some other browser, you can also copy and paste your post into: OrangooThis is a good start, and you have a good base, but let's try and expand on it a little bit, hmm? Here are a few questions to consider: 1 - Who's Isaac? Where did he come from? Whose kids is he finding? Why is he trying to find the kids? What sort of personality does he have? 2 - Something brushed up against him when he fell in the water. What did it feel like? Was it rough and wet? Slick and slimy? How did he react to it? What was his first thought? 3 - What does he think of all this water around him? 4 - What does he think of his journey? Try and expand on all of the emotions he felt in that first paragraph. Delve into him a little more. I want to push you again, so this time let's double the amount of lines. 20 lines all together. But you can also write more, if you wish. [Technically you only got about 9 lines. One off the mark!]
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Posted: Thu Mar 25, 2010 9:47 am
Luna D_W Heres a little something I posted a little while ago. This is the longest RP post I've ever made. This is a High School RP. Luna D_W I was here... Out of no where Lunesta came up behind Masako and Kagimitsu. She had never seen this girl before so it was safe to say that she was new, and she didn't know a lot about the school's inner workings.
"There you are!" she exclaimed.
Lunesta had saw Masako earlier as she was following her brother and his captive. Being nosy at this school is dangerous unless you knew how to go about it. She knew that Kagimitsu wouldn't harm the girl, but if she wanted to achieve something at this school her brother is one of the major say-so guy.
"Girl I can't believe you got lost looking for me," she said as she grabbed the Masako by the shoulders and gave her a big grin.
"I'm sorry for this, Brother." she said facing her brother. She didn't know him to well and hoped her honest looking face could hide her lies. "She was looking for me and since I told her you were my brother she might have thought that you knew where I was."
She turned to Masako and said, "Lets go friend! I'll show you the pest place to hang out at this school."
Lunesta quickly half way dragged the girl out of the building. When they were safely away she stopped. sad said to Masako, "I'm sorry for that. You look new and I didn't know if that was okay for a public viewing." And you were, too... Instead of 'had saw' use 'saw' or 'had seen'. I think you could add a lot to your posts by using more description instead of telling. Instead of 'honest face', describe her face to give the reader an impression of and honest face. The name 'Lunesta' makes me think of a sleeping pill, frankly. The one with the glowing butterfly.
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Posted: Thu Mar 25, 2010 10:47 am
 βЯƳƆЄ ♥=======================================l=ĴΔѦЄƧ ƧƜΔИƧѲИThey say that Im crazy....▄ ▀▄ ▀▄ ▀▄ ▀▄ ▀▄ ▀▄ ▀▄ ▀▄ ▀▄ ▀▄ ▀▄ ▀▄ ▀▄ ▀▄ ▀▄ ▀▄ ▀▄ ▀▄ ▀▄ ▀▄ ▀▄ ▀▄ ▀▄ ▀▄
Bryce jerked awake, looking around curiously. He was in his basement, and his older brother was snoring across the room. Drunk a**... he said under his breath as he rose from the old couch he was on. The air was a little stale, and there were hints of light streaking in through the glass block windows. Looking down on himself, he realized something. Where the hell are my boxers? he growled, not bothering to cover himself as he scanned the dimly lit room. Grabbing them from the arm of the couch and slipping them on, he walked up the stairs. His father was laying in the kitchen floor, bottle of Jack Daniels in his hand. Bigger drunk a**! he almost screamed as he kicked his fathers foot out of the way, opening the fridge door, and stared into the empty appliance. Great....
He turned to his right, and made a B-Line for his sanctuary. The attic was the only place he was truely safe. The slanted walls were covered in a multitude of posters acumulated over the years. To the right of the door stood the best sound system he could possibly get, along with about 5 shoeboxes full of CDs. Against the large stained glass window at the end of the room was a large, messy bed. Sighing, he slunk over to a pile of "clean" clothes, grabbing a pair of snug jeans, band shirt he didnt mind looking at, a black jacket, and his favorite Vans checkered slip-ons. Flying down the stairs, he kicked his fathers foot again (since he still hadent moved) before stepping out of the back door. ♫-Now Playing: Sweet Sacrifice-♫
.ılı.------VolumE------.ılı.
Min- - - - - - - - -● - - - Max
►Play ▌▌Pause ■Stop ▄ ▀▄ ▀▄ ▀▄ ▀▄ ▀▄ ▀▄ ▀▄ ▀▄ ▀▄ ▀▄ ▀▄ ▀▄ ▀▄ ▀▄ ▀▄ ▀▄ ▀▄ ▀▄ ▀▄ ▀▄ ▀▄ ▀▄ ▀▄ ▀▄ ▀▄ ▀▄ ▀▄ ▀▄ ▀▄ ▀▄ ▀▄ ▀▄ ...The voices don't agree! (can i get a critique in post style and the actual post? the wording annoys me sometimes)
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