Welcome to Gaia! ::

Possible hair change? Still updating past history!

From this:- X to add something like this:- [x] (taken from DA, not mine)

Please post your crits...even though i know its not all down to hair styles!!

Hokay! Here comes a critique for you.

Off the bat though, I noticed a few little spelling/grammar errors. (Like "spay painting" under her hobbies. I assume you mean "spray painting.") Make sure you clean those things up before the official judges look it over. It can be a distraction. I'm going to take a section and show you all the mistakes in it to give you an idea.



In that one paragraph, there are several small errors, but all together, it makes it hard to understand the paragraph. Be careful about run-on sentences. It is sometimes better to have a series of short sentences that make sense, as opposed to a longer one that is more convoluted.

Also, I can tell you another thing that the official markers (kali/maru) will bring up. Your human profile need to stick to the form outlined in the quest thread. Basically, you need to get rid of the "family" part under her "stats" first. It's a minor thing, but make sure you stick to the normal form.

On to the character itself!

The loyalty/forgiveness hobby needs some work. The first half seem unrelated to the latter portion. Perhaps leave the "hard to get along with" for the flaws section, and instead focus on how dedicated and forgiving she is to those people she considers friends.

I like the idea of the sarcasm flaw, but you need to work it better. That paragraph is very confusing to read. I think the key to it is the last phrase: "a terrible unsuccessful defense mechanism to weed out the weak and have the strong like-minded people by her side." That is the thesis of this trait, and I think you need to make it the focus. Venice is cruel and biting, which pushes most people away, but part of it seems intentional. She wants those who will stick by her to make that decision early on, but it is at the sacrifice of potential friends.

I have a clear picture of who Venice is, and I like that. I think her flaws fit together nicely with her virtues. You can have up to four, and I would encourage you to flesh her out as much as possible in that way.

For the senshi!

I like, "I'm going to mess up your world!" The other challenge is super long.

I really like the idea of attack 1b, but I'm not sure if that is allowed. Can senshi combine attacks? You'd have to check with rose on that.

Make sure you come up with a final attack. Kali/Maru won't judge it until you have all the information completed, which includes that attack.

Hope it helps!

[ Going through all the crit and making sure everything is changed and updated for Venice, added some history sections to the hobbies to explain her love for them a little more - but plenty more to do! ]

[ decided to give Venice a makeover, not that i didn't love her hair, i just wanted something more...'pow' for her, so its going to be true rockabilly with lovely ringlets and giant fringes <3

[1] added a 'Fighting style' and Attack range diagram

[2] added 'Nosey/Meddling' to flaws!

Ok decided, it is now black 8D

[ Massive art update!! EEEEEIII <3 ]