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 Posted: Mon Dec 21, 2009 5:36 pm
I'm not sure about this, but I believe the only students who will remember Barren Pines are the zodiacs. Kalindara mentioned something about Kirin not remembering, and I think I heard something about it applying to everyone? :< You might want to ask about that, like I said, I'm not a hundred percent sure. XD;
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Posted: Mon Dec 21, 2009 5:47 pm
Okay thank you, I shall ask staff ^-^ *nods*
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Posted: Mon Dec 21, 2009 6:05 pm
oksy I have now taken out everything to do with BP @.@ I shall... go over it again and add some more virtues and flaws in to make her more interesting.
I had a feeling she only got made because 50- something winners came up. So yeah. I need help with her xD
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Posted: Tue Dec 22, 2009 5:33 am
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Posted: Wed Dec 23, 2009 5:47 pm
Okay so well, she is extremely clashy. Sorry, but it seems as though her flaws and virtues pull her in two different directions like alter egos. When you put her together it seems as though something has to be a farse or facade.
I love how unique she is and its obvious you put a lot of thought into her.
Piercing needs more explanation, going with her self image (which i guess could be a flaw itself), does she think it makes her look better, feel better about herself. Also it says she likes body art ... um tattoos, fashion (expand). Would she ever get a tattoo.
I love the fashion thing, especially since she is rich, the concept makes me squee. Like she's not making clothes for the hell of it or to be a famous fashion designed, but because she loves it and it cheaper.
Performing is nice, but it clashes with her flaws, and her virtues make her seem more like she would be in the a stage hand running back and forth helping change customs and being jealous of the beautiful talents actress. It needs some revision.
So both generous and trust her heart conflict with abundantly with her flaws. Generous, sort the way its worded make her seems out outgoing, very friendly and seems like she would have a lot of friends. Then you have her being jealous, overly sensitive, and a goth. I don't think the problem is her virtue, but rather the wording (if that makes since).
So next if she trust her heart, then why does she have a bad body image, overly sensitive and jealous. I'm having a hard time wrapping my brain around it. Again its probably the wording more the the virtue itself.
Sensitive come off as over emotional and dramatic, but it one virtue that makes me really believe she hasnt go to many friends. I mean if she cries at every little thing, yes she would be teased and avoided. Lol, no one wants to deal with that.
The victim flaw and generous, go well with her not having very many friends and her over personality. I think they will be great once generous is reworded.
Other:
Insomnia -- i like this and it doesnt help that she stays late in the music room
Meat thing -- weird, i like.
Side note: I want to know more about her little brother and her family life before her parents disappeared.
Hope this helps and is what you were looking for.
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Posted: Wed Dec 23, 2009 6:17 pm
I agree, I feel that her flaws and virtues really clash. To me it seems like her virtues are a facade and what she really feels are her flaws.
You also say Alease is pretty much a mother to her son, but Alease is only 16. Where're her parents? Do they not come often? Off working in another country and Alease is now the guardian of her brother (which I don't think is possible, considering her age)?
For her "trusts her heart" virtue, I think you should give some examples of this. What you have right now doesn't give me a very clear picture.
I also thought that when you said "body art" you were referring to tattoos, yet you elaborate on piercings? Just a connotation, I suppose. For her gift I think Alease should stick to just playing piano. To potentially have a great voice is pushing it, but that's a personal preference of mine.
Another thing: You have quite a bit of minor grammar errors/typos. I suggest either proofreading your writing or c/p it all into Word, or even both.
Overall I like her concept, very unique! Personally, I think characters with piercings are really cool. >3
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Posted: Thu Dec 24, 2009 6:19 pm
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Posted: Sun Dec 27, 2009 2:27 pm
I HAVE TWEAKED AND COMPLETED IT TO A POINT WHERE I AM HAPPY 8D
ready to be marked even though more crit is always welcome!
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Posted: Sun Dec 27, 2009 8:58 pm
Little thing I just noticed, does she call herself Harlot? Seing as she's sensitive and the connotations of the word are hardly flattering, isn't that sort of setting her up to be teased or get her feelings hurt? If she calls herself Harlot, why does she do that? Does she not know the word's other connotations?
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Posted: Mon Dec 28, 2009 8:28 am
Kotatsu-chan Little thing I just noticed, does she call herself Harlot? Seing as she's sensitive and the connotations of the word are hardly flattering, isn't that sort of setting her up to be teased or get her feelings hurt? If she calls herself Harlot, why does she do that? Does she not know the word's other connotations? She knows of the words and meaning linked to it ^^ she has been told so many times and it does bother her when people say stuff about her name, however at the end of the day its HER name HER family name. She sees it as the connection they all have so even though its a.... unfortunate name its is still the name she was born with and the name that she will keep to the day she is married. She is proud to be a Harlotton she loves her family even though they are not many left so yes the name bothers her sometimes but at the end of the day it would bother her more is she hi the name from people.
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Posted: Mon Dec 28, 2009 10:04 am
But wouldn't calling herself 'Harlotton', which is less associated with the meaning that bothers her and more associated with her family, make more sense in that case? She also doesn't seem to actually have strong family ties except with her brother since her parents disappeared and the person raising them is suffering from memory loss. How does she feel about the lack of dependable adults in her family? Does this harm the bond she feels with her family?
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Posted: Mon Dec 28, 2009 10:20 am
*needs to save this conversation somewhere*
Her parents disappeared, she does not know what happened to them at all, all she knew is before they went she loved them with all of her heart, they where good to her and loves her too, so what she knows they wouldn't have just run away something must have happened because otherwise she can not see any sense in it. ^-^
Her nan is a nice enough old lady, might be a bit crackers but she is still kind and lovable enough, even though she gets her name wrong and sometimes can be annoying asking the same question again and again its not her fault so you can not really hate her for it. That's just unappreciative to say that she offered to take her and her brother in when they had no where else to go. No where near they already where to say most of her families come from over sea's ^^
None of her family have ever done anything to hurt her so she has no reason to dislike them in any way. She feels like the lack of adults has made her a stronger person. It has made her grow up fast and become well who she is. Even though she wishes she had a more free childhood she realized she would not be as close to them if things had worked out different especially her brother. ^^ She has always been close to her nan because shes just like a normal grandma, telling you your pretty and talented and a lot like her mother, she tells her stories about her as a little girl. I know from my family, most suffer from memory problems, they remember things from a long time ago better than things that just happened.
I can see what you mean about Harlotton ^^ however over here at least, I call all my friends by there last name if its a English thing I dont know.
I have a friend called Gregory which is turned into Gregs. Someone called Marshall who is called Marsh. XD because people are just too lazy to say full names!
She also listens to a lot of death metal music. Metal, rock. Some people have stage names Like Corpse Grinder ect. So if seems to fit in with that side of her well too! ^^ Even she can not use it at the moment whilst she is playing classical when she cross's over into her operatic metal her stage name will be Harlot. She is planning to make this move as soon as she finishes school, to say the record company she is with at the moment are paying for it, she has to play what they say!
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Posted: Tue Dec 29, 2009 4:07 am
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Posted: Tue Dec 29, 2009 12:22 pm
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Posted: Tue Dec 29, 2009 8:02 pm
Here is my critique, a hard one as per your request:
How does Alease balance her positivity with her fascination with gothic culture? This isn't to say that gothic culture is TOTALLY negative, but it is certainly a bit darker than, say, loving circus culture. Alease likes to surround herself with skulls and gory books, but then you say that she is always looking on the bright side of life. To me, someone who enjoys reading about gore and death is not someone who loves to look on the bright side. It seems like Alease is a super kind, super optimistic girl who is absolutely obsessed with "The Dark Side" of life. This, to me, seems to be the crux of the oxymoron about her personality. Perhaps try to rationalize these more? I'm not saying you can't love gothic culture and be a positive person, but you are polarizing Alease so much that it seems almost like a caricature. She LOVES dark stuff and she is TOTALLY motherly and kind. People aren't always the best or the most. Try to add a little more variety there.
The fact that her weakness is essentially that she is incredibly self-sacrificing seems like a cop-out. It's a positive weakness for a team. A weakness is something that makes her fail, hard to work with, cause problems, generally not succeed at life. By saying she doesn't care about her own life, you are really just saying that she would sacrifice anything to help another person, which is kind of a virtue. Do you see what I mean? I think there are a lot better flaws out there to give her, things that are going to be an actual impediment.
Also, with the "bullying" flaw -- how is this a flaw of ALEASE? It seems to be more of a flaw of her situation. Are you saying that she is passive? That she is a martyr? That she does something to bring that misfortune upon herself? Right now, you are making Alease react to the behavior of people around her with that instead of highlighting an actual flaw within her as a person. There is a difference between someone who is being bullied (which is an outside force acting upon them) and someone who has a total martyr complex (which is an intrinsic quality that has external manifestations). To me, the latter is a flaw whereas the former seems like more of an unfortunate circumstance.
The "Hatred?" flaw seems a little out of left field only because, again, you are polarizing her. She would take a bullet for her friends, and she will hate all those who cross her with a fiery passion! See how opposite that is? If you keep it, you need to qualify this. When you say she will hate those who do wrong by her, how serious is this? Does this include people who cut her off in the lunch line? Or only those who do something very serious? Clarify that.
One overall note you might want to consider --
I know that you love Alease, and I can see that you care a great deal about her character. However, I'm not sure how wise it is to pursue an upgrade for a schoolkid who was not resurrected in the BP metaplot. I think you might want to ask yourself why she was not brought back in the first place. If she was not deemed a character that demanded to be reborn, then why would she be a viable character now as a senshi? This might be hard to hear, but I think it is something you should consider. I promise I am not trying to be insulting. Just... I think you might want to design a NEW schoolkid for the Senshi of Crows. Start fresh with a new character instead of trying to salvage one who had already been passed over once.
Good luck!
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