Okay, so the normal method with this is to go over the character's personality first because that's the most important in terms of RP-ability, but -- I'm going to be honest here, I just really want to address your weapon first, because I have the feeling that even with your "alternative" concept you're still not quite getting how Negaverse weapon magic works. We're going to try and get a better writeup of this posted, but until that happens you have my assurance that I've discussed this with Rose so I'm not giving you any misinformation here unless she comes by and corrects me.
First off, you should have four weapons, not three, since the weapon changes from Lieutenant to Captain to General to General-King.
The second thing is that you're still a bit off on how weapon magic works: Negaverse magic is confined to the weapon. Negaverse weapons do NOT allow you to perform magic. Even though the dagger route is massively toned down, it's not going to fly because you are still performing magic with your weapon. In short, you cannot summon zombies with Negaverse magic, not a billion, not one, no zombie summoning. Sorry, but this is for the sake of your concept going with the rules -- if a concept does not follow the rules, I am not awarding a stamp.
I completely understand wanting to go with a basic theme; I mean, a lot of the Negaverse agents have a theme to them, my own included? But it's all a matter of fiddling with the theme to fit the Negaverse, not trying to stretch the boundaries of the Negaverse to fit the theme. <3 Maybe it would be worth your while to look into artifacts / talismans / tools necromancers and warlocks are commonly depicted as using and work towards something that still has the right "feel" while still going within the appropriate boundaries.
With that out of the way, let's take a look at the personality profile. I'm going to work backwards here and start with the flaws first because they contain the biggest problems I want to address.
The first main issue I saw here is Kei's Delusional flaw: I'm sorry, this does not really work too well. It's all about his relationship with his sister, and as such the only RPs it can apply to are ones with, or having to do with his sister. :s This does not make for a good flaw or a good weakness since it's just too narrow and specific in the same way a phobia is, and the whole things comes off to me more like a description for a plot than a personality trait. ^^; You can still make this work by making the flaw about what aspect of his personality allows him to be obsessive about his sister; no psychological trait is an island so you should be able to route it back to something.
Besides that, the other thing is that I'd really like to see you give his flaws in general a second look. The way Kei is written up now he has a serious case of Badassitis; all of his flaws are "cool" flaws that make him completely psychologically impenetrable, and this is not fun to RP with. He is... manipulative, two-faced and hates everybody but is flawless at not showing it? Which, yes, that's badass, but when you RP this guy it doesn't feel like it's going to play off as awesomely because you have made him completely emotionally bulletproof. This is not a character I would want to roleplay any of my characters with out of fear of a session ending up being really static. An RP is not a competition of Who Has The Most Cool Character, it is an interactive story -- please demonstrate how your character can be dynamic and interactive. <3
In other words, both virtues AND flaws are a chance at throwing a proverbial bone at other players in terms of what would make a fun RP. He can be still be cool, just also think about how he can be fun. I've had to wrestle with my own characters' forms a lot to achieve this. XD;;
I highly recommend taking a look at this part of the form from the writing contest thread --
Quote:
At least ONE FLAW should be a WEAKNESS. A weakness is something about the character that is something UNCOOL, PATHETIC or GENERALLY LAME. We've found people have been doing a lot of 'cool flaws' -- such as manipulative, mean, stubborn -- and a weakness should be something the character fears (not a phobia!!!), simply does crappily (make this an emotional thing preferably, please -- your character not being able to dance is NOT A WEAKNESS. Your character not being able to relate to anyone over the age of five is), or fails at.
-- giving your character the ability to start or agitate a conflict does not make them less cool, it makes them more cool, because it'll make more people want to RP with you! Having a capacity to "lose" once in a while is cool too, also fun.
As for virtues: the first three you have can pretty much be consolidated into one "Nice" virtue unless you expand them more into better, standalone traits. Beyond that, though, I'm feeling a little discombobulated comparing them with the flaws -- I see you have the Two-Faced thing going on, but if he's a facade-putting character and secretly a big bad meanie then it's not very appropos to have almost all of his virtues focused around how he's a nice guy. All the flaws and virtues together should demonstrate character consistency, and if all of his virtues are Secretly A Facade, that's not really telling me much about him, and ends up coming off as a lot of filler.
The Virtues side of the form is not just about how likable the character is, it's about what the character is good at -- you'll see things like "attentive" and "creative" and "organized" along with things like "generous" and "trustworthy." Some characters have no kindness or likability traits at all; all the virtues I wrote for Janice basically boil down into "coolheaded overachiever," there is no charisma in there at all even though she has the capacity to be hospitable. I'd recommend scrapping the kindness bits entirely and focus on what personality traits allow Kei to have his skills, and I think something about his appreciation for art could find a home in the Virtues section as well. c:
