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 Posted: Tue Nov 17, 2009 5:01 pm
Wow, she sounds like she'll be a pretty chipper Negaverse Lt. ouo It would be interesting to see how she would interact with the others!
Regarding her patience virtue, could the last bit (accepting a lie/excuse) be considered as her being naive? Or does she actually know that they're lying/making something up, but accepts it because she doesn't mind waiting and just doesn't care that they making excuses?
Also, about her liking to try new things, the last sentence threw me off a little. What do you mean that she'll help others, and how does it tie to trying new things? It might have just gone over my head or something. xD
I like her hobbies, especially her habit of decorating things. 8D I also thought it was pretty cool to incorporate that in her appearance with the decorated shoes/doodles/etc. It's a pity she can't decorate the actual uniform though! It'd be interesting to see!
Ahhhh, I hope I was of...some help, or something, I don't know. >: I'm pretty bad at giving crits - hopefully I'll improve eventually? ;; - but I did like your character. 8D Good luck with getting her!
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Posted: Tue Nov 17, 2009 6:04 pm
Mm~ That's true. I think it's more that she doesn't care. owo Although the more outrageous ones (or when she knows they've been doing something nasty behind her back instead) will get her ticked.
Originally, that virtue was supposed to be "willingness". xD Hence that last weird bit. ^^;; I'll probably just remove that sentence instead.
Oh no, you've been a great help! <3 Anything you point out is welcomed and appreciated.
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Posted: Tue Nov 17, 2009 11:04 pm
One of the big things to think about (and probably the most important) with Nega's is why Charonite would recruit them.
Most of your virtues seem to go against the idea of her being involved in the Negaverse. For example, if she likes to joke around rather than do work, why would Charonite entrust her with missions? If she acts childish, why would he be recruiting her into a group of people that essentially exist to more or less kill people (or put them in comas permanently). While your flaws are a bit more suitable for a Lieutenant, most people who are selfish and vindictive still aren't going to be willing to just start taking lives for the glory of the Negaverse.
You don't have to play a raging angry psycho-killer to fit in, but I'd try to give her a reason both for why Charonite would want her in the Negaverse and why she would want to join a group of villains. While some characters can slip through the cracks on this because it is a shop and thus auctions and such allow a lot more freedom with what might be permitted, it's something that you probably want to take into consideration.
As an overall concept she looks good. Her flaws and virtues are fairly strong and don't conflict, and it looks live you've thought her over. To me (and this is just personal preference), the mineral name sounds a bit silly for an evil character. Which, if that's the intention, is fine. But just be aware that she'll probably get a lot of IC jokes from it. =P
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Posted: Wed Nov 18, 2009 8:11 pm
That's true, but more and more Sydney gives me the feeling of an evil cheerleader. xD;; Sydney likes to be silly, but she also knows when to tone it down. I've added that in now.
I've actually been thinking about her reason for joining. I've come up with a couple reasons that could be used together. One: Her best friend is a senshi, but keeps it a secret. She feels betrayed and joins the opposite side, cutting ties with that friend. Two: One of her friends is in Negaverse. She doesn't like the secret, but things joining would be fun, relating it to a video game only in real life. Three: Both one and two. Not sure if those reasons are very convincing, but it's what I've come up with so far.
The reason I chose Childrenite was because she used to be really childish, but she's not as childish. It still fits her somewhat, though. I also think she's the type to have a name like that and purposely get others to laugh. And I'd be amused by the jokes too. xD
Thanks! You've helped quite a bit. :>
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Posted: Wed Nov 18, 2009 8:43 pm
I really do like her. From her description she gives off the vibe of being sweet and all to those that are on her good side, yeah - those that aren't get a whole different side of her. I think that works out really well. :3 A little optimism for the bad guys never hurts any either. It all flows well together and the pieces fit neat like a puzzle, two halves of one person. Plus I like the wind chimes as a random quirk, very nice.
I want to be more critical, but I'm failing at it! Ha. XD;
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Posted: Wed Nov 18, 2009 8:48 pm
I like the mineral name choice actually, it fits with the profile. Those are good starts as far as reasons for joining, though the second one isn't as striking to me. What better way to get back at a friend then becoming their mortal enemy though? I personally like that one the best.
Maybe you could make her joining a mistake of some kind? Like Charonite saw her one day doing something devilish or evil looking, and signed her up (hence the reason: she thought it would be fun) And now that her true self is showing, Charonite regrets it?
Or something like that. X'D
Great profile, really fits well together!
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Posted: Wed Nov 18, 2009 9:07 pm
@Hana: Thanks! It's nice to sometimes get really positive comments though, nothing wrong with that! xD Good to have a balance of 'em.
@Blue: Yeah, the 1st reason seems more powerful and is exactly what she'd want to do. I'll probably fuse it in that she was "betrayed" and thinks the Negaverse would be fun to join.
A mistake? I like that idea!
Thanks you two. ^^
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Posted: Sun Nov 22, 2009 9:40 pm
OH HAI SURRY I TAKES FOR EVS
-o-
Food: Why does she not like black colored food (OMG SO RACIST) is it because it reminds her of charred foods? TINY THING I AM CURIOUS ABOUT
Overall:
I see few problems and overall, I see a downright bubbly cheerleader who may or may not be a bit of a ditsy doe eyed girl.
That said, alot of her virtues, such as over bubbliness, joking, ect, can lead to one very big thing: They can easily become flaws. In fact, a few characters will auto dislike her because of her positive attitude. Perhaps drop a current minor flaw and work that in because, her over the top good act will no doubt be a flaw in certain situations. (IMO) Also, given she is negaverse, I would want to see how she:
Works in teams
Takes orders
would deal w/ killing
working alone
facing defeat/victory
Would develop over time, as slowly, you become more evil
That said, HOW and WHY did she join the negaverse? What drives her to the point of killing and running around blindly obeying Beryl/Charonite? Is she blindly obedient or does she try to avoid work? Also, you might want to give clarification as to what her weapon does, as ATM it's a bit vague.
As stands she strikes me as more of a senshi. But, with a few tweaks, she could easily become a good negaverse agent.
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iStoleYurVamps
iStoleYurVamps
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Posted: Mon Nov 23, 2009 6:44 pm
Food: It's because Sydney likes colorful things, and Sydney thinks black is not colorful. xD Silly girl she is.
I see. That makes sense. I'll edit all those things, then!
Thanks so much Vamps. <3
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Posted: Thu Dec 17, 2009 7:04 pm
Changed Sydney to a senshi because an idea for her has been nagging me for the longest time now. OTL;;
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Posted: Wed Dec 23, 2009 5:19 pm
I love her Sphere, I love the first attack by her ^-^ the whole white lie thing is just awesome so lets talk more about her personality.
First of all you mentioned she sat on her approach waiting her her parents to get home, you also talk about her hating to be alone and wanting the attention of her other siblings. It gives us the idea her parents where not around all that much, maybe explain why they where not and also how this has effected her =D or it might just be me reading it wrong adding little things like that make you connect and feel for the character a lot more.
Also it says she does not pay attention to other peoples feelings but it also says that she is patient with people this does not seem to fit together very well, if she does not really care about how they feel why would she put up with excuses and things like that?
besides that there is not really much more I can say she seems to be a lovely character, more so I think she fits the role of a Senshi better =D
maybe you can add a little bit about her as a senshi, like why would she fo it, what would she be like, I know its not nessessery but writing things like that can give you a greater in site to the character!
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Posted: Tue Dec 29, 2009 10:31 pm
HI SYU
Better late then never?
All in all, your character seems quite believable, and while a few things seem contradicting if played in one way, but overall, she comes off as believable.
the only thing I see off is her reasons for 'joining'
Senshi don't have a reason for joining, other then they simply are chosen. And even so, both are unrealistic. best to just drop those.
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iStoleYurVamps
iStoleYurVamps
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Posted: Tue Dec 29, 2009 10:46 pm
Indeed. x3 <3
Ah, really? Would you mind off what would be contradicting if done a certain way? owo
Ooooh~ Writing lieutenants must have rubbed off of me or something. x3 Will do! <3
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Posted: Tue Jan 05, 2010 9:09 pm
 Looks good. Love the attacks! I wouldn't mind seeing more info on the fallout of "How pretty, mine!". You're telling us she steals things and won't give them back when asked/confronted. That's going to have pretty serious consequences.
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Posted: Wed Jan 06, 2010 3:47 pm
Thanks! Tweaked her "How pretty, mine!" flaw.
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