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 Posted: Wed Jan 05, 2011 9:39 pm
OCs chosen:
Hendrix Stuart
Mickey
Arturo
Janie
Wally
Hansen
The Laughing Man
1. Ahh yes! Welcome to the interview! Would you first like to introduce yourself?
Hendrix: I'm Hendrix Stuart, and I'm the only one here.
Mickey: Woah woah, Henny. We exist. Especially here.
Hendrix: They're all figments of my imagination.
Janie: Yeah, he's like, crazy or somethin'.
Arturo: That's what they tell him.
Wally: Hendrix will come to his senses one of these days.
Hendrix: I did, ergo, you're all not real.
Hansen: And yet, here we are.
Wally: The only one you shouldn't want to believe in is.. him. -Stares into the corner where the Laughing Man is standing-
The Laughing Man: -Chuckles like a deranged clown-
2. So, are you acquainted with any of our other participants?
Hendrix: I believe we just covered that. Everyone here knows and regularly interacts with one another.
Wally: Everyone except. . . - Stares into the corner-
TLM: -laughs like a psycho-
3. Let’s start with the basic questions. How old are you?
Hendrix: I'm twenty eight, and all of them are just as old as my symptoms.
Hansen: Oh bugger off! I'm twenty three. Janie's eighteen, Wally's as old an Hendrix, Mickey's twenty and Arturo's twenty six.
Wally: And. . .as for him..no one knows.
TLM: -continues his psychotic laughter-
4. Height and weight?
Wally: Hendrix is tall but he's skinny. He needs to eat more. You look sick!
Hendrix: How appropriate. Because I am.
Mickey: The point, Henny has found it.
Arturo: We're not an ailment, for the last time.
Janie: Well, not all of us.
Arturo: Hey!
Wally: I think she meant. . .
TLM: -laughs fiendishly-
5. Sexual orientation?
Hendrix:I'm straight. And married.
Janie: What if it turned out that she was fake and all of us were real?
Wally: Plausible.
Mickey: Indeed.
Arturo: I concur.
Wally: Indubitably.
Arturo: Conceivable.
Mickey: Credible.
Wally: Possible.
Arturo: Likely.
Mickey: Certainly!
Hendrix: Shut up!
Hansen: You know they're ******** idiots, why do you seem surprised?
Hendrix: Can we move on?
Janie: Not without another reference to. . .him.
TLM: -gigglesnort-
6. IQ?
Hendrix: 140 something.
Mickey: John Forbes Nash was like a billion.
Hansen: Ha! I understand the connection.
Hendrix: Paranoid Schizophrenia. We both have imaginary nuisances following us around and trying to get our attention.
Arturo: -gasp- But you love us!
Wally: Well. . . most of us.
TLM: -evil smile form the shadows-
7. Bra size?
Janie: 36 D, anyone else?
Wally: Nope, none of us. Unless. . .
TLM:-not even looking-
8. Let’s cut the boring questions. Firstly, how many weapons are currently on your person?
Hendrix: None?
Mickey: Mickey, Arturo, Hansen and Wally, Hendrix! That makes four!
Janie: Ahem?
Mickey: What? You don't have a p***s. That qualifies as a weapon.
Hansen: She has those enormous air bags for suffocation purposes.
Hendrix: Armed and dangerous.
Wally: I don't think any of us have actual weapons. Well, any of us but. . .
TLM: -holding a knife up and laughing maniacally-
9. Are you wanted for any crimes?
All: -Glance over to TLM-
TLM: -innocent shrug-
10. And the age old ‘Are you a virgin?’
Hendrix: As everyone here is not real, yes they are.
Mickey: Not true! I boned Janie the other day.
Janie: -all of her blood i in her face- Mickey! -Beats mercilessly-
Hansen: Well, this is news.
Arturo: I'll say.
Wally: At least he waited until she was legal.
Hansen: He probably didn't.
TLM: -creepy voice- Age of consent is fourteen in Japan.
Wally: We live in America.
TLM: My comment stands.
Hendrix: I thought I was disturbed before. . .
11. Do you ever fantasize about same-sex relations?
Mickey: -Being pummeled-
Janie: -Doing the Pummeling-
Hendrix: No.
Wally: Ugh, no, can we get off these weird questions?
Arturo: Wally probably same-sex fantasizes about Hendrix, or Hansen.
Wally: - socks Arturo in the jaw-
TLM: -watching the fights with bloodlust in his creepy black eyes-
12. Lovely. So, what is your favorite curse word?
Hendrix: God dammit! Stop fighting!
Mickey: Fuuuuuuuck!
Janie: You a*****e.
Hansen: Well, s**t.
Arturo: Ow! What the c**k!?
Wally: b*****d.
TLM: Thundercunt.
All: -stop and look at him-
TLM: What? I was answering the question.
13. When was the last time you threw up?
Hansen: Just now, in my mouth, when I was told Mickey and Janie have been ********: Go to hell, Hansen!
Mickey: Yeah Hansen!
Janie: -kicks- You don't get to talk, ever!
Hendrix: It's so ******** up in here.
Wally: We try to make it better for you.
Arturo: Yeah, so you'll stop ignoring us.
Wally: But we can't blame you for disregarding us most of the time. After all. . .
TLM -laughing, for lack of anything better to do-
14. Have any mental illnesses?
Hendrix: Funny you should ask that.
Wally: Nope. We're all alright here. Well. . .
TLM: -psycho laugh-
15. What is your biggest phobia?
Arturo: -sniff- Disappearing without Hendrix noticing.
Mickey: Yeah, it happens sometimes.
Janie: True.
Hansen: Ain't no sunshine when he's gooone~
Wally: You guys are all retarded.
TLM: Heh?
Wally: Not you. You're just ******** crazy.
TLM: -Crazy laugh fades into a frown-
16. Do you crossdress often?
Hansen: It would not surprise me if SOMEONE here definitely did that in his room, forgetting to lock the door.
Arturo: Jeez I wish I knew who you were talking about.
Hendrix: Right?
Mickey: Haha, who was it Hansen?
Janie: Ew.
Wally: This is retarded. We all know you like dresses, Arturo.
Arturo: Togas! They're airy!
17. Have any addictions?
Hendrix: Drugs.
Mickey: They make us go away.
Arturo: In turn making us sad.
Hansen: Sad and lonely.
Janie: And depressed.
Hendrix: For god's sake there's six of you how could you be lonely?
Wally: Five. Five and. . .him.
TLM: -back to a psychotic laughter-
18. What is the closest you have ever been to dying? Or have you ever died?
Hendrix: That crazy ******** in the corner tried to kill me. Flipped my car.
Wally: Should have stayed in the safe house.
Janie: It is fun there. There's even a mini-fridge.
Arturo: And one of those kiddie potty training pots so you don't ever have to leave. You can throw the contents out the window.
Hansen: It's an attic. The window doesn't open.
Arturo: Break it?
Mickey: Some safe house. Doesn't even have a pipe to toss s**t out of.
TLM: -pouty face- I can't go in there.
19. Have the men in white coats ever taken you away?
Hendrix: This is getting ******** ridiculous. Are my parents asking these questions?
Mickey: It's likely.
Arturo: I'd buy it.
Hansen: Indubitably.
Hendrix: Don't start that s**t again.
Janie: The answer for Hendrix is yes, once.
20. Are the men in white coats after you?
Hendrix: No I think I'm in the clear. As long as no one calls them to tell them I'm crazy.
Wally: -glances to the corner-
TLM: -has phone to his ear- Hm? -Slowly puts the phone down-
21. Do you snore?
Hendrix: I’m not sure I've never been awake while I was asleep.
Janie: Oh hell yeah you snore.
Mickey: You snore like a mother ********: Woah yeah do you snore.
Arturo: I must agree.
Wally: Even I’ve heard it.
TLM: Even I’ve heard it.
22. Are you drooling right now?
Hendrix: No. Just self-conscious about sleeping. . .
All: -shrug-
23. Let’s say that this room was about to explode, and you could save one other person in here. Who would you choose?
Hendrix: Myself. I’m the only one that’s real.
Arturo: Well, that hurts.
Mickey: d**k.
Janie: He’ll learn. One day. But I can’t blame him. I wouldn’t save none of you assholes either.
Mickey: But what about m-
Janie: Shut it, dilhole.
Arturo: Burned.
TLM: -sniggers in the corner-
24. When was the last time you used the toilet?
Hendrix: A while ago, I have to go now, actually.
Arturo: I used the piss pot in the safe house.
Mickey: Well where are you gonna put it? Are you gonna just leave it there?
Arturo: We’ll make Hendrix clean it. It’s his parents’ house after all.
25. Have you ever kissed a girl?
Hendrix: Yeah, and married one.
Mickey: I have, an- -receives a lovely punch to the face-
Janie: -delivered said punch to the face-
Arturo: That’s gotta hurt.
Wally: Probably. But he deserves it for being a ********: I have.
Wally: -looks disturbed- I bet. . .
26. Did you like it?
Hendrix: Yes. Don’t let any of them answer. I don’t want this to last any longer than it has to!
Mickey: Hey but you sai-
27. The little voices in your head. Do you talk to them?
Hendrix: . . . Well. Isn’t that the definition of irony?
Mickey: I don’t get it.
Janie: You wouldn’t.
Hansen: I don’t like being referred to as a little voice. I’m quite large. Ladies.
Wally: -sighs and looks at TLM- Sometimes I wonder if I should just start hanging out with you. You strike me as slightly less crazy.
TLM: -laughs maniacally-
Wally: And never mind then.
28. Were you made fun of in school? Why?
Hendrix: Because I was ******** crazy. But not until my teenage years, before that I had friends and whatnot. Or, they could have been imaginary too. My first girlfriend was. . .
Mickey: Harsh, bro.
Hendrix: Oh ******** off, so’s yours!
29. I can’t think of a question to ask you. Have any comments?
Hendrix: I’m out. -leaves-
Mickey: Come baaack! We need you!
Arturo: No seriously, we need you!
Janie: Idiots. -leaves-
Wally: I guess I’m gone too, Hansen?
Hansen: I want a soda. And maybe some wings. Can we leave too?
Wally: Sure thing. Just you and me and. . .
TLM: -crazy laugh-
Wally: Just us. Let’s go.
30. This interview has ended? Are you gleeful? Or would you like to complete our 100 question survey over thumbtacks?
Mickey and Arturo: -left behind whining-
TLM: -sets the building on fire-
Mickey: Oh for ******** sake. Come on Artie, we’re out.
END
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Posted: Fri Nov 11, 2011 12:09 am
The following dialogue and lyrics are taken directly from the recorded Live show in New York City, April 14, 2010 recorded to a live CD titled "Unfunny True Stories".
Ladies and Gentlemen, the Musical stylings of Ricky Tan, Renaissance man.
[Thank you ladies and gentlemen, I’m working on my set list still, I’m thinking the ABCs, the YMCA, and something with BYOB, and them making my way into Alphabet Soup. You like that? I thought you would.
Actually, tonight, I’m only covering Lady Gaga songs, so however much you paid for your tickets, their value just increased like ten fold. You’re welcome.
Anyhow, they left me a guitar and a piano, so I’ll try my hardest not to disappoint, I think I’ll start with an old favorite. Let’s go guitar first, eh?]
-Amphetamine -
I never felt a wound so deep as the day you left
I never lost myself so much, and caught my breath,
Never wanted you to go, I fell so hard
Never thought I’d be alone, I could have wept
And when you ran away you took it all
And when you left me here, you let me fall
Never wanted you to go, I fell so hard
And I knew that I couldn’t breech these walls
But then I met amphetamine,
And amphetamine wasn’t you
And I loved amphetamine
And she helped me to see through
All the trouble and despair,
To live my life without a care,
And I can have all the drug I want
Because it’s true
Because no matter what amphetamine’s better than ******** your bullshit, yeah)
I remember when the gray skies started looking blue
I remember when the sun came out again
I remember when the crying turned to laughter
I remember all the happiness and when
When I met amphetamine
Oh I would never again frown
And I love amphetamine
She turned my world upside down
No more trouble and despair
Can live my life without a care
I’ll take all the drug I want
Because it’s true
No matter what, Amphetamine’s better than you
And maybe I’ll OD one day
And maybe I will die
Or maybe I’m losing touch
She’s my temporary high
But I can live it up
Just live it up
No more agony or strife
And have my baby every day
‘cause I’m prescribed for life
And I’ve got me amphetamine
And I can never cry
And I love my amphetamine
And we’ll always see eye to eye
Never trouble nor despair
I live my life without a care
I’ll have all the drug I want
Because it’s true,
Baby I’ve got amphetamine
And anything’s better than you.
[You ******** liked that? I was so ******** high when I wrote that.
High on love, ********, don’t get any ideas.
Anyhow. You guys want to know what I like most about live shows? Hm?
No one can tell me what I can and can’t say.
I feel like you gentle folk have paid enough money to appreciate the glorious way I articulate “********” so- here you go my children:
I’m gonna go with one next, that they won’t put on my little, bitchy, PG CD - hey another acronym, better write that s**t down, I’ll add it to a song or some s**t- anyhow, they never let me tell you about high school. But I think you all deserve to know - piano time, by the way- That, I am, in fact, a superhero. That’s right. I’m a ******** superhero.]
-I’m a ******** Superhero-
High school was a bad idea
I don’t know why they stuck me here
Small, bespectacled- I walk the halls in fear
I fear.
I’ve been within this cage short of three hours
Why’d they make these lockers so small?
I’d bust the ******** out of here,
But I just can’t take them all
But I’m a ******** superhero
If only in my head
Yeah I’m a ******** superhero
And I’ve no powers- instead
I’m brave, I’m bold, I’m broke as ******** can’t afford those tights
Or steroids, armor or batarangs
So I lose all my fights
This life has broken, broken me
My dreams are tattered and frayed
No matter how well I know physics
I fear I’ll never get laid
And I’ll let everybody know
I’ve plenty of arch foes
I’ve got the “nice guy” personality
So where are all the hos?
[I‘ll be burning my bra after the show to make up for all of the anti-feminism that takes place on this stage tonight, just so everyone knows.]
Anyways, I’m a ******** superhero
If only in my dreams
Yeah I’m a ******** super hero
But something’s wrong, it seems,
I’m brave, I’m bold, I’m broke as ******** can’t afford those tights
I’m pretty sure some god damn spandex
Might help me win my fights
(Or not. Whatever.)
But I’m a ******** superhero
If only in my head
Yeah I’m a ******** superhero
And I’ve no powers- instead
I’m brave, I’m bold, I’m broke as ******** can’t afford those tights
Or steroids, armor or batarangs
So I lose all my fights.
[Thank you. Thank you. I know., I’ll present you with your refund after my encore okay? Let me bask for a minute at least. Alright, now’s where I start what I promised: pa pa pa poker face pa pa poker face. Ha, jk, that’s ******** ridiculous. I’d rather sing that s**t is bananas song. Anyways, know what goes great with bananas? Andy Warhol’s ******** signature. That’s what. If you don’t get that, you’re not cultured. But not everyone knows that much about art, so hows about I school you guys, eh? This is art, right here.]
-This is Art-
This is poetry
This is atrophy
Of all the art you used to know
This is modernity
This is eternity
Or your ephemeral form
This here’s baroque
This will provoke
All of your thoughts and criticism
This is realism
This is a great schism
Of everything you thought you ever knew
Either way, you should know
This is art, I think this is art
It’s not new or fancy or one of a kind
But I guess it’s some kind of start
It’s pictures of woman and pictures of man
Of war and of strife and of Campbell’s soup cans
Sometimes it’s an eyesore, yes I said it
Mostly it’s art and you likely won’t get it.
This is craft here,
My first draft here
I didn’t think you’d understand.
I’m an artist
I try my hardest
To convey my vision to the simple folk.
This is Art Nouveau
This is the status quo
Of the creative state in which you thrive
This is Constructivism,
This is symbolism
You gotta learn the bigger picture, to survive.
Either way, you should know
This is art, I think this is art
It’s not new or fancy or one of a kind
But I guess it’s some kind of start
It’s pictures of woman and pictures of man
Of war and of strife and of Campbell’s soup cans
Sometimes it’s an eyesore, yes I said it
Mostly it’s art and you likely won’t get it.
Every kind of contemporary
That scared you from museums
One line, one dot on canvas, white
Confuse you when you see ‘em
But that’s just life, your changing world
And baby, let’s be real
Next time I start talking backwad,
They call that s**t surreal.
But this is art, and it’s a start
Not fancy new or one of a kind
But I guess all in all, I can’t complain
At least we’ve found a start
[I used to be a starving artist. You guys can clap, but it’s not exactly a ******** fair. It’s pretty ******** depressing honestly. And without an a** likened to J.Lo, nobody wanted to watch me sing anyway. I think my butt’s cute.
Whatever.
Anybody here know a b***h? Just a- just a real a*****e. For whatever they did you to, you ******** hate them? Yeah. I think we all got one of those. Or two. Or if you’re in politics or law, like, seventy. For most of us though, just one or two.
For that, my friends, I give you: the revenge song: Also inappropriate. Cover your ******** children’s ears. Those tickets told you not to bring the little bastards, didn’t they? Maybe next time you’ll leave them at home with the little teenage whore that lives next door to you. And pay her more than one of these tickets is worth - after the Lady Gaga bits. Anyway, I’ll shut up now. Revenge, up the a**.]
-The Revenge Song-
I’ve seen a lot of things in life
I’ve chased a lot of dreams
I’ve fallen on my face before
I’ve gone to the extremes
I’ve loved and lost a lot of times
And never loved at all
I’ve also broken a few hearts,
Because I couldn’t have them all
But you, my dear, a different story
Are not quite the same breed
Cause I can give you all my love
But on happiness you feed
And clearly you don’t give a ******** now neither can I
But my goal’s not to ignore you, honey
My goal’s to make you cry.
Revenge is what’s my goal my friend
Just to see you hurt like I had to
Revenge is what’s my goal, you b***h
Misery will ensue
I always believed in a tooth for a tooth
And, friend, an eye for an eye
And I can’t promise I won’t smile
If ever they tell me you die
Call me a vengeful ******** me flat sadistic
You think me mean and hurtful
I think myself artistic
Revenge is what’s my goal my friend
Just to see you hurt like I had to
Revenge is what’s my goal, you b***h
Misery will ensue
Revenge is what’s my goal, you ******** will ensue.
[Can I get serious? Let’s get serious on the guitar again. Anyhow, It’s not as common now, but some ******** forget to love the people who sacrifice the most for them, so I’ve offered a friendly reminder to those people. ]
-Unrequited Love-
I hope you think of me,
I hope you’ll never forget my face
For I’ve gone off to fight a war
And come back in disgrace
You’ve pegged me as inhuman
And pinpointed my sin
I don’t think you really hate me
You just hate where I’ve been
But I’ve seen comrades fall
And I’ve seen people die
And I’ve seen innocents suffer
And I’ve seen children cry
I’ll pray away my sins
And ask forgiveness for the bad
I’ll lock away these years
As the worst I’ve ever had
And you can spit on my brothers in arms
And you can curse our vice
Try though not to forget our names
Or forget our sacrifice.
I didn’t choose my fate as defender
Just responded to the call
And I would never have chosen
To see my comrades fall
But alas, the time is gone
And my life is back, anon,
Think of me fondly lest
Forget hell through which I’ve gone
‘Cause I’ve seen comrades fall
And I’ve seen people die
And I’ve seen innocents suffer
And I’ve seen children cry
I’ll pray away my sins
And ask forgiveness for the bad
I’ll lock away these years
As the worst I’ve ever had
And you can spit on my brothers in arms
And you can curse our vice
Try though not to forget our names
Or forget our sacrifice.
Dear my god, your god, any god, don’t forget our sacrifice.
[Aaaaand scene. ******** hippies. Is that inappropriate? What? Don’t talk to me with your inaudible s**t, this is being recorded for the live CD, now I have to title it Schizophrenia. ********. I was gonna call it “Ricky drinks some, passes out and gets touched on stage.” That’s right, audience! I don’t trust you.
You know, usually when I get on acoustic, someone’s dumb a** yells out the name of a song that’s not mine that they want me to play. I mean you would think they’d stop asking me to play Michasel Jackson songs, the only thing MJ and I had in common was our skin color. And I- shut up, it is so funny- and I’m pretty ******** sure he’s a white guy. You know what’s funny about that though? Through my first twelve years of school or so my mom made it clear “No, Delgado” Yes. She did. To non Spanish-speaker- Cuban Spanish speakers, her b***h a** called me skinny. “Hey Skinny” But in Spanish, so it’s more of an insult - Hispanic women always want you to be fat. “You too skinny! Eat more food!” But seriously, as soon as college applications and the SAT came around, “You’re Cuban, Delgado. Work the system, you goin’ for free, b***h.”
Gracias mama. Gracias. Esto es jodido. Just saying. You guys know Por favor, mantenganse allejado de las puertas? Look at all the newcomers. What? He’s Hispanic? Anyway, yeah, Por favor, mantenganse allejado de las puertas.]
-Por favor, mantenganse allejado de las puertas -
There used to be a separation
And our worlds started colliding,
Hit hard,
But we weren’t ready for the culture clash
And the races hate each other
And their silly little quirks,
the bruja hate the rich
And their millions in petty cash
Mostly we’ve just folks,
Thinking too highly of their wars
We’ll get the peace train going
When they stand clear of the doors
Por favor, mantenganse allejado de las puertas
For the sake of the next generation
Give us more than consternation
Get this show on the road
Move forward for the sake of us
Hop aboard the unity bus
And give fellow man what’s owed
And now the gap is closing
And the world is one place
Everyone has been a Yuma
Yet they still alienate
The price of love is rising
And we’re desensitized to race
And the media’s taken a turn for the worst
And we’re just lying in wait
To see the doors close tight and feel
The train begin to move
But before the wheels begin to turn
We still have to improve
Por favor, mantenganse allejado de las puertas
For the sake of the next generation
Give us more than consternation
Get this show on the road
Move forward for the sake of us
Hop aboard the unity bus
And give fellow man what’s owed
The fare is fair aboard this train,
The rich and poor are there
No second class upon this train
No difference in the fare.
Get on board.
[Gracias. You like that Harriet Tubman bit? I do. You guys want another story? Haha, look at the newcomers - please god no, just play the piano for a straight half-hour would you? Thank you! But seriously, how about I give you both and play Irrelevant Life Lessons?]
-Irrelevant Life Lessons: Or how I learned to stop worrying and love the prom-
The first time I traveled alone
I was pretty shook up by the flight
Or rather
The flight was pretty shook up by the weather
And the woman beside me was all shook up by the puke
Once I was the one
Who had to stay at home with my daughter
When she stayed home sick from school.
Once.
Although I did discover chocolate cake is a cure for that stomach thing going around.
I’ve never gotten into a fight
Like a real street fight
But I always wanted to
Then I punched myself in the face
I was yanking up the blanket
That was the moment I realized I’d lose.
I always wanted to celebrate
Like have a big party
With champagne.
To actually pop champagne.
Then I tried champagne.
(Woo, sippin’ apple juice in the club)
When I was a teenager,
I was a nerdy little ******** I didn’t look it
I was like
A human mouse trap
Eventually I learned to repress it
All of my nerdy tendencies
It’s actually really hard
Eventually I grew up though
And I let it all out again
You’re welcome
[Anyhow, how about a real story? Eh?]
-A Love Song-
I remember how fast I fell
I remember your beauty and your charms
I know the curves of your face
And the feeling in your arms
And I remember when I held your hand
And when life ripped us apart
And I rue the day you ever left
The day I let you depart
Mostly I hate myself
For things I left unsaid
I hate how I’m up all through the night
And I could be before you instead
And If I held you close again
You’d remember the fairy tale days
You might smile at me, and cry a bit
Knowing love’s more than a phase
It’s times like this I want you here
To look you in the eye
I’d say “I wish you were Juliet,
If only so you’d die.
If only so you’d die,
I really wish you’d die.”
I bet you want me to want you still
You want me on my knees
You wish that I would cry for you
‘Cause you’re the same old tease
But unlike you, I’ve grown up
I’d say I’m quite mature
I’ve nearly forgotten why I liked you
I’m better off for sure
And If you came near again
You’d remember the fairy tale days
You might smile at me, and cry a bit
Hope my love’s more than a phase
Just thinking this I want you here
To look you in the eye
I’d say “I wish you were Juliet,
If only so you’d die.
If only so you’d die,
I really wish you’d die.”
[I‘m so cute, sometimes.
This has me thinking. When I was in the studio with a producer he‘s been listening to everything he‘s like “I like it, Ricky, I do, but do you ever write, you know, love songs, instead of angry, vengeful songs of hate?”
I said, “Alright, which ones do you think are more prominent in the average person‘s life, that unconditional gushy s**t, or the hatred of some ******** who did them wrong?”
Judging by the reaction for you assholes, I‘m going to assume the answer is “B” We hate everybody. That‘s what I thought, audience. That’s what I thought. Anyway, I decided my a** should be on broadway right, but I could never be the hero… ]
-The Villain in the Show-
From way beyond the daytime,
Stars twinkling in the sky
Deep beneath the great tree’s roots
Where death sends those who die
And those who swear and those who kill
And mostly, those who lie
And those who lust, and those who hurt
And even those who cry.
My head it aches, this place it reeks
Can’t stand it much much more
But curse those rulers, won’t let me out
Can’t stand them anymore!
Funny though, this job bestowed
This job that I abhor
Is the very same one they gave to me,
It made me so hardcore
So as you may have conjured up
In your brainy little human mind
That’s right, I’m the fiend and monstrous beast
The nastiest you’ll ever find
Go ahead and hate me, they all do over time
And I’ll be sure to hate you too,
just to help me to unwind
And I’ll be sure to save you a seat
And it’ll be unkind
I make kids play with matches
Tell them what they need to know
And crazy psychos love me
Their faces all aglow
But you’re taken in by villainy,
I get a following, quid pro quo
And you’ll find you won’t quite like me
I’m the villain in this show.
The world is an open theater
And I often find that all
the hero and his allies
just don’t suit me at all
But when it comes to floating daggers,
skulls and murderous thieves,
when it comes to cheats and liars,
and tricks far up their sleeves
I see I quite belong here
with the malice and the woe
see if the world is a stage,
I’m the villain in the show.
Smoke and fog effects do fly
And whither do I go?
Deux ex machina, fly away
I’m the villain in the show.
‘neath every rock and boulder
hiding behind every place
the audience is always scared
when a villain shows his face
So I’ll lay it all for you honey,
from dark and fire below
there are plenty of demons in Hell
but I’m the villain in the show.
[That’s the only one I don’t use as a lullaby for my daughter.
Haha just kidding.
I do.
I’m such a nut. Anyhow, I like conformity, and Americans, so I wrote this silly little tidbit.]
-Poor Richard-
To be Continued….
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Posted: Fri Nov 11, 2011 5:40 am
Characters chosen.
1.) Alvin
2.) Savannah
3.) Symphony
1) What gender are you?
Alvin: A male.
Savannah: We aren't too sure about that.
Alvin: Shut it Coffin Bait.
Symphony: And you lot are responsible for teaching my daughter?
Savannah: Actually I don't think we have her in our classes.
2) What is your age?
Savannah: Younger then the fairy.
Symphony: I won't pull that little girly trick where I say 'a lady never tells her age'. I'm thirty five.
Alvin: Not sure just how old, but I am over a hundred, I know that. Now, Savannah, how old are you, since you avoided the question.
Savannah: Twenty six, ok. Drop it.
Alvin: Oh she likes those older boss vampire types. Ha.
3) Do you want a hug?
Symphony: Mother always said to stay away from humans.
Alvin: Bad touch!
Savannah: Oh you pansy.
4) Do you have any bad habits?
Alvin: Nope. I have perfected my behavior over the years. . .Savannah has a bad habit of ******** her vampire boss.
Savannah: Screw off.
Symphony: I'm still worried for my daughter's schooling.
5) What is your favorite food?
Alvin: Savannah likes Vampire d**k.
Savannah: And you like dicks of every kind!
Symphony: Since I seem to be the only one willing to answer. I love Kourabiedes.
Alvin: That's a mouthful.
Savannah: Just the way you like it.
6) What is your favorite ice-cream flavor?
Symphony: Cake Batter, all the way.
Savannah: Alvin likes c** flavor.
Alvin: um ew. Can you be more grotesque? We are talking about ice cream. Grow up.
Savannah: Like you're one to talk!
7) Are you a virgin?
Alvin: We know Savannah isn't.
Savannah: An we know you're not.
Symphony: No I have a daughter.
8 ) Have you killed anyone?
S & S: No
Alvin: Not on purpose.
9) Do you hate anyone?
Symphony: No but my step son hates me.
Savannah: Ouch that sucks.
Symphony: Not much I can do. He is just always in a bad mood.
Alvin: Slap him into shape, don't take s**t from him
10) Do you have any secrets?
Alvin: I'm sure everyone has something.
Symphony: I just revealed mine to my husband.
Savannah: I'm keeping my job a secret from my family.
11) What is your favorite season?
Savannah: I love fall.
Alvin: Spring. Gotta love the warming weather.
Symphony: I love winter, makes for great snuggling weather.
12) Who is your best friend(s)?
Alvin: Savannah is doomed only to have us.
Savannah: I have friends back home.
Alvin: Witch you can't go see anytime soon. There fore, you are left with us at the school.
Symphony: My husband is my best friend.
13) What are your hobbies?
Savannah: Alvin likes to suck d**k!
Alvin: An you like to play bed buddy to our boss
Symphony: So um yeah. I play a double flute?
14) What is your favorite drink?
Alvin: Wine, of any kind.
Savannah: Oh how girly.
Alvin: And what do you like? Bloody Marries?
Savannah: Oh haha!
Symphony: Inopnevmatothi. A great drink
15) When is your birthday?
Alvin: Hell if I know.
Symphony: Jan/20
Savannah: May 14th
16) What age did you die?
Savannah: Um I haven't died?
Alvin: If Kasey bites you you will.
Symphony: I'm immortal. Won't be dead anytime soon.
Savannah: That must be nice.
Symphony: It has it's ups and downs.
17) Are you nice or mean?
Savannah: He's mean
Alvin: You just can't handle this.
Symphony: I would like to think I am a nice person.
Alvin: You are, if you put up with a jerk step son.
18 ) Are you social or shy?
Alvin: Social butterfly
Savannah: You can't be a butterfly if you don't have wings!
Alvin: b***h I'm gonna murder you!
Symphony: Do they ever get along?
19) What do you think of your parents?
Symphony: I don't even know who my father is.
Savannah: Your family sounds more messed up then mine.
Alvin: I can't remember who my parents are.
20) What's your weakness?
Alvin: I'm flawless.
Symphony: Sounds like you seem to have a superiority complex.
Savannah: Yeah I know right.
Alvin: You're just jealous.
21) How long can you stay under water?
Alvin: Long enough.
Savannah: Ew.
Symphony: Ha, that's funny.
22) What do you do on a regular daily basis?
Savannah: He plays the skin flute.
Symphony: Haha!
Alvin: And you my dear friend. Play dinner for the boss.
23) Do you love someone?
Symphony: My daughter, and my husband of course!
Alvin: How cute.
Savannah: My whole family.
24) When was the last time you wet your self.
Alvin: Savannah does every time she sees Kasey.
Symphony: you two are pretty funny in a mean way.
Savannah: Alvin wakes up with wet shorts all the time.
Alvin: If you're trying to say I have wet dreams, I hate to disappoint. But I get laid just as much as you do. So I really don't have that problem.
25) What's your favorite band(s)?
Symphony: My fav? He's not in a band. But he's awesome. And my husband.
Alvin: You are cute.
Savannah: I like classical music really.
26) Ever worn a dress?
S & S: yep
Alvin: Nope
27) Willingly?
Savannah: I like dresses.
Symphony: Dresses are pretty easy to pull on so tend to wear them alot.
28 ) What do you consider fun in the day-time?
Alvin: Oh! This is too easy!
Savannah: Just like you!
Alvin: Haha Jail Bait!
Symphony: I'm almost never home during the day.
29) At night?
Symphony: You know what I am going to say.
Alvin: What we are all going to say.
Savannah: Yep, moving on.
30) Ever kissed anyone?
Savannah: Yeah.
Alvin: We know you do more then Kiss Vannah
Symphony: I'm married.
31) ...Of the same gender?
Savannah: This one is made for you Alvin!
32) If you could have any super power, what would it be?
Savannah: I would want to become invisible at will. That would be awesome.
Alvin: Gay.
Savannah: We know you are
33) What's you're favorite thing to touch?
Symphony: They just don't care that these are inappropriate do they?
Alvin: apparently not.
34) Anyone loves you?
Alvin: I don't need someone else's love, I already love myself.
Savannah: My family does.
Symphony: I would hope my husband does.
35) What's your favorite colour(s)?
Alvin:Green
Savannah: Purple
Symphony: I like a few different colors. But I really like brown.
Alvin: That's a odd color to have as a favorite.
Symphony: -shrugs-
36) When was the last time you cried?
Symphony: When I found my daughter's father.
Savannah: Shouldn't that be a happy occasion?
Symphony: Under normal circumstances.
Alvin: She clearly doesn't want to talk too much about it Vannah. Let's move along.
37) Do you have a pet?
Alvin: A enchanted cat and a bird.
Savannah: Do the bird and cat get along?
Alvin: Yep
Symphony: We had a dog once.
38 ) What did you name your pet?
Symphony: Jif
Savannah: Like the peanut butter?
Symphony: Yeah. Don't ask.
Alvin. They just go by cat and bird.
Savannah: How original.
39) Are you crazy?
All: No
40) What are you?
Alvin: Fairy.
Savannah: and gay. I'm human btw
Symphony: Muse.
41)Do you ever fantasize about same-sex relations?
Alvin: No way, never.
Symphony: I thought you were gay.
Savannah: He's being a smart a**
Alvin: Least I have an a**.
Savannah: Oh my god! He said I have a flat a**.
Alvin: Hey look, she got it!
Symphony: Now you're just being mean
Alvin: If you can't take the heat get out of the kitchen. . .oh wait you're women.
42) Lovely. So, what is your favorite curse word?
Savannah: Being a teacher, I try not to curse.
Alvin: b***h please.
Symphony: Well if I curse it's normally in old Greek so no one will understand it.
Alvin: So sweet thinking of other people like that.
43) When was the last time you threw up?
Alvin: I drank a new potion and it tasted to bad I tossed it, like three weeks ago.
Savannah: So if we go back to that 'bad habit' question, yours would be, 'making useless potions'?
Symphony: Ouch
Alvin: Hey Savannah. Your sister stole how many of your old boyfriends?
Savannah: . . .
44) Have any mental illnesses?
Alvin: Savannah has issues because of her sister.
Symphony: My family left me with issues too, so don't feel too bad.
Savannah: -plotting the fairy's death-
45) What is your biggest phobia?
Symphony: dealing with my stepson.
Alvin: Best way to get over that is deal with it head on.
Symphony: No thanks.
Alvin: Let me call him! -pulls out cell phone-
Savannah: Don't worry he doesn't have his number.
Alvin: Um yeah. I do. He called me to call Kitty cause she gave him my number right before her phone died. Oh hey Niiick. How are you? -walks off-
Symphony: -slamming head onto table-
46) Do you crossdress often?
Alvin: -still gone-
Symphony: I hope he refuses to come
17. Have any addictions?
18. What is the closest you have ever been to dying? Or have you ever died?
19. Have the men in white coats ever taken you away?
20. Are the men in white coats after you?
21. Do you snore?
22. Are you drooling right now?
23. Let’s say that this room was about to explode, and you could save one other person in here. Who would you choose?
24. When was the last time you used the toilet?
((TBC))
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