Alannaa
Well then, time to pull you back into the editing pool! Not that that was funny at all. (Sorry!)
Anyway, I've been granted permission as your interviewer to look over your profile and coach you on improving it. This will help you in the long run to improve your claim to a seat, and to save future judges a great deal of strain. Kyros did an impeccable job with the combat-intensive points of your profile, however I've noticed some subsections of your profile which need elaboration and revision. After speaking with him on the subject, he's agreed they need improvement. He's also given me further permission to conduct this tertiary review.
Now, on to the matter at hand.
My first focal point is the personality. A personality is a driving force for a character; they define one's actions and well-written personalities can often provide all the support one needs to roleplay effectively for great lengths of time with nominal issues finding inspiration. Provided you're kind to it, your personality will be kind to you.
That said, so far your personality is little more than a glorified timeline. It states that your character has flip-flopped back and forth between "cold" and friendly with casual reference to his personal history. You don't go on to more accurately define either term or outline any unique features of your character. That's a problem. Most captains include anecdotes regarding their character's "favorites" and "least favorites," and any major ideal or moral code they follow. Even the most boring or non-descript characters have their own quirks.
That is why I would like at least another paragraph(5-7 sentences) outlining Angel's preferences and habits/quirks. Somewhere in the first paragraph I'd like an explanation of the terms "cold" and "friendly" (as they apply to him) and somewhere try to include more information on his moral compass.
If you're having trouble filling this section out, some good questions to keep in mind are: "What makes this character worth writing as?" "How is it different from an NPC?" "What would make it so others will want to write with me?" Another thing to keep in mind; a great deal of writers include elements of their own personality, including habits. They can be anything from a favorite catchphrase to a gesture.
And, second, your Biography could use some reorganization and expansion. Not a lot of people like reading large blocks of text, especially when they are in a hurry and searching for something. That is why captains and other similarly-ranked characters separate each excerpt of their Bio. This is also why separation is used commonly in posts throughout the guild. In order to polish your Bio up, you'll need to get into the habit of sectioning off each plot point, including those made prior to your character's graduation.
At the same time, I want you to re-read it and rewrite each section to consist of a minimum of 5 sentences. Furthermore, explain fully the actions your character took during each time period.
The above are minimal requests, but you should nourish any desire to exceed these outlines. A Bio is one of the few places you can actually write without relying on another to finish the exchange. That means what you write is solely under your power. You don't have to limit yourself to protect someone else's rights. And if you happened to get into roleplaying because you love writing, this is the ideal moment to get that fix.
Finally, the spirit of your character's zanpakutou has been abused. Technically the description is a two-liner, but it is still tantamount to RP suicide. Unless striving for dramatic affect, these sorts of posts are frowned on, so why are you committing the same crime in your profile?
You have provided a very vague physical description and a picture. This tells me nothing about the spirit. I want to know seemingly meaningless details such as if he has a paunch or a limp. I wanna know how he gets on with Angel. I wanna know what he likes and how he feels about certain topics.
Zanpakutou are the backbone of a character. They're often the hidden or secondary base feelings and instincts that you don't see. Zanpakutou are also the place to go for symbolism. Everything your character secretly feels or struggles with can be personified here. Treat zanpakutou like they are just as important as their wielders because they are.
This is gonna seem crazy but I write my characters a lot meaner than I actually am. I want to help you, not sit here bashing you over the head with your own mistakes. I mean, I took the time to write all of this! If you need someone to bounce ideas off of, or you want to ask specific questions, I'm right here and perfectly willing to help you as much as you need.
Just quote me if you have a question or if you get done and need me to check it again. I'm not sitting here rabidly refreshing the page.
Anyway, I've been granted permission as your interviewer to look over your profile and coach you on improving it. This will help you in the long run to improve your claim to a seat, and to save future judges a great deal of strain. Kyros did an impeccable job with the combat-intensive points of your profile, however I've noticed some subsections of your profile which need elaboration and revision. After speaking with him on the subject, he's agreed they need improvement. He's also given me further permission to conduct this tertiary review.
Now, on to the matter at hand.
My first focal point is the personality. A personality is a driving force for a character; they define one's actions and well-written personalities can often provide all the support one needs to roleplay effectively for great lengths of time with nominal issues finding inspiration. Provided you're kind to it, your personality will be kind to you.
That said, so far your personality is little more than a glorified timeline. It states that your character has flip-flopped back and forth between "cold" and friendly with casual reference to his personal history. You don't go on to more accurately define either term or outline any unique features of your character. That's a problem. Most captains include anecdotes regarding their character's "favorites" and "least favorites," and any major ideal or moral code they follow. Even the most boring or non-descript characters have their own quirks.
That is why I would like at least another paragraph(5-7 sentences) outlining Angel's preferences and habits/quirks. Somewhere in the first paragraph I'd like an explanation of the terms "cold" and "friendly" (as they apply to him) and somewhere try to include more information on his moral compass.
If you're having trouble filling this section out, some good questions to keep in mind are: "What makes this character worth writing as?" "How is it different from an NPC?" "What would make it so others will want to write with me?" Another thing to keep in mind; a great deal of writers include elements of their own personality, including habits. They can be anything from a favorite catchphrase to a gesture.
And, second, your Biography could use some reorganization and expansion. Not a lot of people like reading large blocks of text, especially when they are in a hurry and searching for something. That is why captains and other similarly-ranked characters separate each excerpt of their Bio. This is also why separation is used commonly in posts throughout the guild. In order to polish your Bio up, you'll need to get into the habit of sectioning off each plot point, including those made prior to your character's graduation.
At the same time, I want you to re-read it and rewrite each section to consist of a minimum of 5 sentences. Furthermore, explain fully the actions your character took during each time period.
The above are minimal requests, but you should nourish any desire to exceed these outlines. A Bio is one of the few places you can actually write without relying on another to finish the exchange. That means what you write is solely under your power. You don't have to limit yourself to protect someone else's rights. And if you happened to get into roleplaying because you love writing, this is the ideal moment to get that fix.
Finally, the spirit of your character's zanpakutou has been abused. Technically the description is a two-liner, but it is still tantamount to RP suicide. Unless striving for dramatic affect, these sorts of posts are frowned on, so why are you committing the same crime in your profile?
You have provided a very vague physical description and a picture. This tells me nothing about the spirit. I want to know seemingly meaningless details such as if he has a paunch or a limp. I wanna know how he gets on with Angel. I wanna know what he likes and how he feels about certain topics.
Zanpakutou are the backbone of a character. They're often the hidden or secondary base feelings and instincts that you don't see. Zanpakutou are also the place to go for symbolism. Everything your character secretly feels or struggles with can be personified here. Treat zanpakutou like they are just as important as their wielders because they are.
This is gonna seem crazy but I write my characters a lot meaner than I actually am. I want to help you, not sit here bashing you over the head with your own mistakes. I mean, I took the time to write all of this! If you need someone to bounce ideas off of, or you want to ask specific questions, I'm right here and perfectly willing to help you as much as you need.
Just quote me if you have a question or if you get done and need me to check it again. I'm not sitting here rabidly refreshing the page.
ehhh....hmmm.....ok. This might take me a while since im not so good at fully writing everything out, but if you can bear with me I should have all this done by either later today or tomorrow.
