[[Time]]: 1:54 A.M.
The rattle of the doorknob turning was barely audible over the soft sound of Orpheus' snoring. Verdant, drenched in sweat and stinking of lust, walked through the door quietly, taking great pains to ensure that his little borther didn't wake up. It was far too late for the young Proto to be awake. With light steps that'd make dancers jealous, Verdant made his way to his room and quickly stripped off all of his sweaty clothing. He must've looked like hell; his hair was messy, his skin sticky, and the expression in his eyes...
With great efforts not to look in the mirror, Verdant plucked a pencil and a small black journal out from under the tiny stack of dirty magazines under his hammock. He'd never written in it before, but tonight... tonight, he had to let everything out. Sex with some good-looking guy he hardly knew wasn't about to make him feel better. He cracked open the journal and began to write in that fluid, tiny script that only he could read without any difficuty.
Verdant
Hey, journal... um, I'm not good at this sort of thing... I don't usually write in journals or anything; what's there to write about? Well, I guess there are some things to write about...
I've made many friends. Good friends, friends who I know I can trust. Ellandra, she's awesome. I met her quite some tiem ago when I was puttign up fliers for one of my performances. She used to be so shy and timid, but I've seen this stronger side of her recently. The thanks goes to Faolan, the one and only true love of her life. He's this great guy who lives at Farstep, this carnival for "outsiders". I don't really get what that means, but I guess the important thing is that both of them are happy- and expecting kids, apparently. I know that they'll raise their children well.
Elst, now there's an amazing plant for you. He's my boss and best friend; he gave me a job at his nursery, Elysian Gardens, after he helped me out with some trouble I was having with my amaranth. He's... well, he's very... um... well, he's got troubles. I don't really know how else to say it; issues makes him sound like some psycho. He says he can't feel love. He's really introverted and it's hard to reach him sometimes. I wish I could just ask him what's wrong, but is it really my business? I don't want to end up doing something stupid to mess up another friendship, especially not with someone who is so like me... I care about him a lot, but this is one friendship I can't afford to ruin. Aoi, his son, is a lot less oblivious than his father, but always has me thinking he knows more than he's letting on...
Then there's Shade... he's... he's... um... well, I really like... um. I met him a while ago on my way to the grocery store and ended up hanging out with him for the rest fo the day. Then, at Banning's ball, we... I kissed got to know him a little better. He's so sweet and innocent and shy and I'm... I'm not. I'm none of those things and I'm not a good person for wanting him to be with me. Still... I want him to like me back. I know that he's a lot younger than me, but... I would never do anything to hurt him. Ever. I want him to be happy. Is that so wrong of me?
Dorian... I know it's selfish and a little messed up, but I feel the same way abotu him as I do about Shade. I can tell that there's something that upsets him, but I don't know if I can help him. See? What use am I? I can't even help my friends! Ugh...
I've met other people too, nice people who I hope to one day call my friends. Astan, a fellow musician; Eli, a hunter, his dog, Kell, and Uzi, his Proto; and Dreamer, this pretty rich girl I only barely met at the ball. I'm not as close to them as I am with the others, but... that can change, right?
Oh, and I almost forgot about Orpheus! He's my little brother! Yeah, I got a Magicker Spark from Banning at the ball; it was this beautiful crystalline form with purple essence rising up liek tentacles. When I tripped and accidentally let it fall in Elst's carnivorous lavender plant, Orpheus emerged and immediately showed talent with his magical sound. He's amazing, he really is, and once he hits Alter I know he'll be even better (playing the guitar is hard without fingers).
... I'm surrounded by so many people, so many friends, but nothing's changed. I still feel hollow, alone, miserable. I hate being the only one alive. I hate not having a childhood. I hate everything, I hate myself, I hate everything I am! When I'm onstage, that loneliness goes away a little, but when I'm back home that loneliness keeps clawing at me.
Elst says he's not human because he can't feel love and whatnot, but does that really make us human? I don't think it does. He's more human than a lot of people I've met. As for me, I'm just some thing that came out of an immortal flower. I may look like a human, but humans aren't born from amaranths; their lives are not anchored to some flower. Feeling emotions, having a heart, none of it is enough. I don't know what it takes to be human and I probably never will.
This emptiness, this loneliness, anguish, self-hatred, envy, none of it will ever go away. I am ******** class="clear">
I've made many friends. Good friends, friends who I know I can trust. Ellandra, she's awesome. I met her quite some tiem ago when I was puttign up fliers for one of my performances. She used to be so shy and timid, but I've seen this stronger side of her recently. The thanks goes to Faolan, the one and only true love of her life. He's this great guy who lives at Farstep, this carnival for "outsiders". I don't really get what that means, but I guess the important thing is that both of them are happy- and expecting kids, apparently. I know that they'll raise their children well.
Elst, now there's an amazing plant for you. He's my boss and best friend; he gave me a job at his nursery, Elysian Gardens, after he helped me out with some trouble I was having with my amaranth. He's... well, he's very... um... well, he's got troubles. I don't really know how else to say it; issues makes him sound like some psycho. He says he can't feel love. He's really introverted and it's hard to reach him sometimes. I wish I could just ask him what's wrong, but is it really my business? I don't want to end up doing something stupid to mess up another friendship, especially not with someone who is so like me... I care about him a lot, but this is one friendship I can't afford to ruin. Aoi, his son, is a lot less oblivious than his father, but always has me thinking he knows more than he's letting on...
Then there's Shade... he's... he's... um... well, I really like... um. I met him a while ago on my way to the grocery store and ended up hanging out with him for the rest fo the day. Then, at Banning's ball, we... I kissed got to know him a little better. He's so sweet and innocent and shy and I'm... I'm not. I'm none of those things and I'm not a good person for wanting him to be with me. Still... I want him to like me back. I know that he's a lot younger than me, but... I would never do anything to hurt him. Ever. I want him to be happy. Is that so wrong of me?
Dorian... I know it's selfish and a little messed up, but I feel the same way abotu him as I do about Shade. I can tell that there's something that upsets him, but I don't know if I can help him. See? What use am I? I can't even help my friends! Ugh...
I've met other people too, nice people who I hope to one day call my friends. Astan, a fellow musician; Eli, a hunter, his dog, Kell, and Uzi, his Proto; and Dreamer, this pretty rich girl I only barely met at the ball. I'm not as close to them as I am with the others, but... that can change, right?
Oh, and I almost forgot about Orpheus! He's my little brother! Yeah, I got a Magicker Spark from Banning at the ball; it was this beautiful crystalline form with purple essence rising up liek tentacles. When I tripped and accidentally let it fall in Elst's carnivorous lavender plant, Orpheus emerged and immediately showed talent with his magical sound. He's amazing, he really is, and once he hits Alter I know he'll be even better (playing the guitar is hard without fingers).
... I'm surrounded by so many people, so many friends, but nothing's changed. I still feel hollow, alone, miserable. I hate being the only one alive. I hate not having a childhood. I hate everything, I hate myself, I hate everything I am! When I'm onstage, that loneliness goes away a little, but when I'm back home that loneliness keeps clawing at me.
Elst says he's not human because he can't feel love and whatnot, but does that really make us human? I don't think it does. He's more human than a lot of people I've met. As for me, I'm just some thing that came out of an immortal flower. I may look like a human, but humans aren't born from amaranths; their lives are not anchored to some flower. Feeling emotions, having a heart, none of it is enough. I don't know what it takes to be human and I probably never will.
This emptiness, this loneliness, anguish, self-hatred, envy, none of it will ever go away. I am ******** class="clear">