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Posted: Thu Aug 01, 2013 11:27 pm
Pretty much wiped this clean, had these essences around for a while, but I finally got back and looked at them again and decided I need input on them. ono
Any help is appreciated!
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Posted: Fri Aug 02, 2013 7:01 am
Hey there Logue! I'ma go right ahead and say you seem to understand the basics of what a Fel Essence is, can, and should be compared to what I read from past critiques, so good job! However, there's probably some subtleties to this thing that you weren't aware of which may render the essences' current descriptions in need of minor retooling. For one, the Shock Wave, could technically work as an essence -- but it has no visual appearance. There is already one "invisible" essence, Divine Song, and it's been stated in the past that essences with no visual appearances are undesirable afterwards. Remember, the essence dictates the coloration of the Raevan (as well as its feeding methods, abilities, and some personality traits) so keep this in mind while designing essences too! Kyou has also expressed dislike for descriptions of Dr. Kyou being found in essence descriptions she hasn't written herself but I wouldn't worry too much about that in yours since you didn't say anything beyond "Kyou got the thing". Out of all your essences, I think the Sentient Bone fits the best but I also recall there being a dislike of body parts as essences. However, I think this was more towards like eyeballs or organs (still beating hearts being a common quest) so you may not need to change anything here! Personally, I think this is your strongest concept but each of them have their positives! For your String of Fate essence, you could spice it up a little by tying it in more with the storm that caused the essences. Perhaps this is the string of fate that brought Freyr and Shira together and also left over from the fact that Freyr met his untimely demise, which is what lead to the storm in the first place. This is just a suggestion, though * u * I do think it functions fine on its own. Bottom line, these essences are pretty good! Maybe they could use some tweaking but overall they fit the basic definition of what a Fel Essence should be.
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Posted: Fri Aug 02, 2013 8:38 am
* u * <3333
First of all, thank you so much for taking time to crit me! I'm gonna dive right in.
Shock Wave - I was honestly pretty bored of this one. It's my oldest idea, listed, and I wasn't as interested in it as I used to be, back when I was struggling really hard to come up with essences. I'm just going to scrap it!
Sentient Bone - I LIKE THIS ONE TOO, I really hope it's okay with Kyou. I wasn't sure on it because of the whole 'organs' thing, but I had hopes that an animal bone might be okay. If Kyou doesn't mind it, this one is my favorite.
String of Fate - I also liked this one a lot, and your suggestion is amazing for it! I didn't even think of making it actually belong to anyone of significance. B|a That's a really good idea hrmm
Thanks again! I'll tweak them and run the bone idea past Kyou to make sure it's okay, and go from there. * A *; I'm glad I finally seem to get what a fel essence essentially is, though.
I added a soul idea, a Sun Bear. I don't think I saw anyone else with anything like a bear for a soul, do you think it would work nicely if I were to pursue the Sentient Bone essence? Assuming Kyou doesn't mind it, that is. quq Sorry to bug you again!
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Posted: Thu Aug 08, 2013 8:28 pm
Aaaand I'm cleared by Kyou to use "Sentient Bone" as a fel essence! Yay!
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Posted: Sat Aug 24, 2013 12:24 am
Added Wyrm for my soul! Looking for crits of what I have so far so I can see if I'm going in an alright direction. <3
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Posted: Sat Aug 24, 2013 1:23 am
Name Ideas for Raevan:
◄ Modeste [French] - Means "moderate, restrained" in Late Latin.
◄ Blaise [French] { pronounced BLEZ } - From the Roman name Blasius which meant "lisping" from Latin blaesus.
◄ Ekkehardt [German] { pronounced E-ke-hahrt } - Derived from the Germanic elements ekka "edge" and hard "brave, hardy".
◄ Sӧren [German] { pronounced ZUU-ren } - meaning unknown.
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Posted: Thu Sep 26, 2013 6:48 pm
Decided on the name of 'Seisyll', forgot to announce. Still eagerly awaiting any crits anyone might be able to toss my way! <3
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Posted: Mon Dec 09, 2013 1:22 am
I SHALL CRIT SOON.
I WOULD JUST LIKE TO SAY.
IDK.
WUB WOO.
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Posted: Mon Dec 09, 2013 1:42 am
THANK YOU I KEEP LOOKING AT YOUR QUEST PLEASE WRITE MORE I WANT TO SEE YOUR IDEAS ALSO SORRY MINE ISN'T FINISHED IT'S SUCH A SLOPPY WIP UUUUGH
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Posted: Tue Dec 10, 2013 12:03 am
ohhh boy I was reading up on black dragons and decided to change his alignment from chaotic neutral to neutral evil. quq So his character has changed a bit. Still kind of similar, but he's definitely a bit more of a jerk and definitely more manipulative.
/zooms off
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Posted: Tue Mar 04, 2014 2:43 pm
Bumping it up for some possible feedback! <3
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Posted: Wed Aug 06, 2014 10:20 pm
Re-working! Closed for crit for now, will open it back up shortly! <333
Open for crit again! emotion_omnomnom
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Posted: Fri Oct 03, 2014 12:40 am
RL Semi Custom Form: 1. Gaia name : Logue 2, Fel essence : Living Bone 3. Fel essence description : Bone is living tissue... when it is attached to a functioning, sustaining body. However, this piece of bone, which is presumed to be from some sort of animal, exhibits signs of life outside of the influence of a working body. Rather than drying out and becoming hollow and dusty, this bone supports itself by unknown means - if broken, it will eventually correct itself, the pieces mending back together. It does not seem to grow, but something is keeping this piece of bone alive, and it's... creepy. 4. Soul choice : Gray Wolf 5. Gender : Male 6. Alignment : Neutral 7. Offer : N/A for obvious reasons hurrhurr 8. Writing sample : ]http://www.gaiaonline.com/guilds/viewtopic.php?page=1&t=23864191#354754155
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Posted: Sat Oct 11, 2014 1:31 am
Eeuuugh regrettably had to back out of the idea of offering for a semi-custom, thank you boss for cutting my hours to nothing at exactly the right moment why do you hate me again
orz
Well, got some great feedback from Snoof, and this just means I have more time to work on my newer concept. <3
EDIT: HMMMM the semi custom deadline is extended, eh?! Maybe I'll be able to enter, yet.... o^o
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Posted: Sat Oct 11, 2014 4:11 pm
WONDERFUL CRITIQUE BY SNOOF where I CAN SEE IT ALL THE TIME ex o ex Snoof Also, as a quick note, the meaning you have down for Yuri's name is a bit superfluous, so I did a little digging; Yuri is a variant of the Russian Yuriy which is the Russian equivalent to the name George (Greek origin) which, very fittingly for his soul and essence, essentially means 'earth worker'. Just a neat little thing if you wanted to include it. SO, first bit: When I was reading Yuri's personality, I noticed I didn't really get any sense of personality traits that came from his essence. He is just entirely a wolf, in every sense. I'd recommend picking up on some of the traits from the bone, like the fact that it can repair itself; maybe he does well in diversity and is able to pick himself back up out of funks and emotional upheaval well and doesn't need to rely on others to do this. Little things like that will make a huge difference! Another thing I noticed about his personality is that, like with his desire to chew bones or stare down mailmen, as well as a lot of his dislikes, it seems a bit puppyish? I think these are fine traits for frei stage, but they do make him seem young minded. Try to find some more mature behaviors and interests to field alongside them or expand on the existing traits in various ways. Such as, with the mailman thing, is it only mailmen as a trope or is Yuri territorial? Is he confrontational? How is his fight or flight response? I assume you know that staring directly into a wolf or dog's eyes is a challenge of dominance, so how does this extend to other people? Be careful of too many tropes or stereotypes with wolves, too. For instance, the pack mentality is often believed to be about family when it is in direct reference to social hierarchy. Yuri believes himself to be the alpha but there are more places and castes in a pack than just the alpha. How do his friends and guardian fit into these different levels within his pack and how does he treat them individually as well as in groups? If he is the alpha, does he try to assert dominance over everyone in his "pack" or does he merely do this with Yves because he feels he is being challenged? Would all raevans fit into Yuri's pack and be organized thereon, or would Yuri have a unique way of grouping everyone into his pack? Overall, I just really wants to know more about how Yuri is with his friends versus how he is when lone wolfing it. How does he change? Now, onto the essence with feeding and powers. His bone regeneration power is solid and goes without saying, particularly in regards to his own skeleton. I think the fact he can also help repair other people's bones is good, but I might advise splitting it into a different power to better provide more insight into the differences between it being passive/active (this one is 100% active while his own bones can be both). I would say, for his heightened sense of smell, you could just go the extra mile and say heightened senses. Wolves also have impeccable hearing compared to humans and their sight is especially keen. It might also be nice to work in some hunter/tracker traits into his personality beyond simply chasing the cats (perhaps something more sophisticated and less for laughs). The main power that is of concern to me ties into his feeding. The ability itself is not a worry but I feel like I am not understanding its process and limitations correctly. This could easily be fixed with some elaboration. In particular, with the bone drain, does Yuri need to be in direct contact with the bare bone? Assuming this is not the case, this could be an extremely dangerous power for Yuri to have as he could effectively destroy someone from the inside out. Be careful with that. More specifically, when you say he feeds on the life of the bone and then the bone is empty, it seems to me that he is draining the marrow? There is actually a lot you could take and incorporate from bone marrow into his concept. I think that's all I've got for right now but there's some things for you to think about! You might also consider looking into totems and spiritualism surrounding wolves, as well as some forms of divination that use bones for fortune telling. You might get some neat ideas for more powers from there! That and, perhaps, lunar cycles (hint: look up 'lunar madness' and see if it interests you).
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