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 Posted: Sat Mar 28, 2009 5:12 pm
1. 3.14.09 Forbidden Fruit Grading for SoundSpy-Ayumi
Following Instructions: 10
One program read that you had 251 words…I counted it by hand and found 249...and then Microsoft Works Word Processor said you had 250. I went with the last one xD Good job for not using “the” in the beginning of any sentence and making it exactly two hundred and fifty words.
Characters: 10
I really enjoyed the way you introduced both Thomas and this mysterious archer. Using Thomas’ thoughts to describe the girl was an excellent choice and it even demonstrated some of Thomas’ personality. My only caution would this archer’s inclination towards mary-sue-ism. Not because she’s a bad character at all, but just because (assuming this is set in a medieval/fantasy type setting) women of high caliber in such a time were unseen and…from my experience, people forget to give their characters faults. Very good characters though.
Grammar/etc: 9
I did find some errors in your text, nothing very major though. Quote: …different then a traditional… Just simple things like this. The “then” should be “than.” Quote: …she had sensed his presence, although that was not the way he had intended to meet her… There was nothing actually “wrong” with this passage, but I would just like to call to your attention a choice in syntax. Although using a comma was fine, it kind of makes for an awkward pause for the reader. It may be better to just replace it with a period…that also gives the reader a sense of climatic rising as the two strangers meet.
Introduction/Conclusion: 10 +1 Creativity Point
I really liked your introduction and conclusion. Really, really.
I thought it was unique and I’m glad you made the choice to center this writing…it made it look better.
Setting/Action: 7
Although your action was fine, I didn’t see anything that really described the place these two people were in. From my mind’s eye, I saw them in the middle of a forest…but they could be by a river or stream, or maybe this mysterious archer stole into the castle’s barracks…I don’t know. So, just watch for that next time.
Total: 47/50
A very good piece on the overall :3 You earned the first Creativity Point.
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Posted: Sat Mar 28, 2009 5:17 pm
New Prompt
2. 3.28.09: Miracles
Instructions: 500 word limit; there may be less but no more.
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silentbreeze90 Vice Captain
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Posted: Sun Mar 29, 2009 12:27 pm
2. 3.28.09: Miracles
“Miracles?” came the awed voice from a little girl sitting on her father’s lap, “Daddy, daddy! Could a miracle happen to me?”
“Of course, darling, miracles happen to everyone... everyone... everyone...” My father’s voice echoed through my mind, fading to a tiny whisper as my mind woke from the dream that had held me captive through the night. Coming fully into wakefulness, I felt dampness on my cheek and angrily swiped away the tears that had come unbidden to my eyes.
“What are you dreaming about, you silly twit? Miracles? There are no miracles coming to save you from this life. Miracles are for little children who haven’t yet learned that no amount of dreaming will save them...” My voice came out harsh and cracked, the whispered words building up a wall against the childish hopes that my subconscious seemed to cherish, building up a wall that would protect me from getting hurt ever again. I closed my eyes, willing the echoing voice away so that I could get on with my day.
Pushing off my covers with a sigh, I climbed out of the dingy little cot I’d been sleeping on and into the equally squalid bathroom attached to the tiny room I was occupying. I paused in front of the mirror as the sight of my sleep-tousled brown locks came into view covering the small tired face of a 20-year-old young woman whose face was lined and creased with weariness and worry. Dark circles stood out beneath my eyes and I quickly turned away to step into my sparkly clean shower. I might not be able to afford much, but a clean shower was the only luxury I allowed myself. I didn’t even want to remember all the things that had been growing in there before I’d armed myself with bottles of cleaning supplies to get rid of everything. Too bad there had only been enough for the shower and the toilet. The rest of the bathroom would have to wait until I could drudge up enough energy to clean it. Perhaps next month, after I got my new paycheck.. A quick shower and a little make-up later, I re-examined myself in the mirror. I was presentable, black circles covered so that brilliant green eyes showed clearly in a face that looked like it had lost ten years in twenty minutes. Good. I needed no miracles to live on.
Another week, another year, the days pass like raindrops being swept along in the river of time. On and on, with dreadful monotony I float along in a haze of exhaustion, working from dawn ‘til dusk, hurrying here and there... for what? For another paycheck that will start me on another cycle of hazy indifference? There must be more to life than this.
Did you know that the greatest curse to be given is to be wished an interesting life? If only I had known what life still had in store for me, I never would have cursed myself...
Word count: 500((Edit: Am I actually allowed to edit? I didn't see it in the rules... but I left the original here just in case I wasn't supposed to edit it.)) 2. 3.28.09: Miracles
“Miracles?” came the awed voice from a little girl sitting on her father’s lap, “Daddy, daddy! Could a miracle happen to me?”
“Of course, darling, miracles happen to everyone... everyone... everyone...” My father’s voice echoed through my mind, fading to a tiny whisper as my mind woke from the dream that had held me captive through the night. Coming fully into wakefulness, I felt dampness on my cheek and angrily swiped away the tears that had come unbidden to my eyes.
“What are you dreaming about, you silly twit? Miracles? There are no miracles coming to save you from this life. Miracles are for little children who haven’t yet learned that no amount of dreaming will save them...” My voice came out harsh and cracked, the whispered words building up a wall against the childish hopes that my subconscious seemed to cherish, building up a wall that would protect me from getting hurt ever again. I closed my eyes, willing the echoing voice away so that I could get on with my day.
Pushing off my covers with a sigh, I climbed out of the dingy little cot I’d been sleeping on and into the equally squalid bathroom attached to the tiny room I was occupying, pausing in front of the mirror as a sight of my sleep-tousled brown locks came into view covering the small tired face of a 20-year-old young woman, whose face was lined and creased with weariness and worry. Dark circles stood out beneath my eyes and I quickly turned away to step into my sparkly clean shower. I might not be able to afford much, but a clean shower was the only luxury I allowed myself. I didn’t even want to remember all the things that had been growing in there before I’d armed myself with bottles of cleaning supplies to get rid of everything. Too bad there had only been enough for the shower and the toilet. The rest of the bathroom would have to wait until I could drudge up enough energy to clean it. Perhaps next month, after I got my new paycheck.. A quick shower and a little make-up later, I re-examined myself in the mirror. Presentable, black circles covered so that brilliant green eyes showed clearly in a face that looked like it had lost ten years in twenty minutes. Good. I needed no miracles to live on.
Another week, another year, the days pass like raindrops being swept along in the river of time. On and on, with dreadful monotony I float along in a haze of exhaustion, working from dawn ‘til dusk, hurrying here and there, and for what? For another paycheck that will start me on another cycle of hazy indifference? There must be more to life than this.
Did you know that the greatest curse to be given is to be wished an interesting life? If only I had known what life still had in store for me, I never would have cursed myself...
Word count: 498
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Posted: Mon Mar 30, 2009 2:01 pm
2. 3.28.09: Miracles
She leaned up against the cool bars; their touch sent a bitter reminder down her spine.
She was dying, but her story would live on.
They were never supposed to fall in love. They were never supposed to be more then common strangers, but she ended up dancing with a dangerous fellow. She was his complete prey falling into the grasp of his web as he wove her further and further in. Stolen Innocence.
The intoxicating sound of his voice on the air, “Would you like one more dance my princess?” His voice purred in her ear, fingering the rusted earring as he turned her gracefully down the floor. There was no misstep in their line structure, they bent at perfect angles.
“You know I do. I can always have one more dance.” She laughed taking in a deep breath, trying to maintain her smile, despite the nerves that fluttered in her stomach.
But that was the last dance, the end of the dream.
When she was little she used to dream of that magical place where dreams are made; where cotton candy clouds sprinkle the earth with a joy of the next day. So when standing by her window gazing into the beyond, she would wish the same thing each night. “I wish my prince charming would come for me, and rescue me from my daily toil and bear me up as a princess.” She knew that such wishes couldn’t be answered. She would need a miracle. But who would grant a miracle for her? There was no higher being who wished such greatness, or so she thought.
But she was nothing more then a simple palace maid. She was ordinary as far as anyone could tell, washed out blond hair and a tartan dress. But she had lusted for that secret relationship that she had read in her books. So she was going to do something risqué. For if no one else was to make that miracle come then she would chase it down herself
A brief conversation, a bunch of pleasantries, a small smile when passing him by and she had won a dance with the prince.
She was the luckiest girl alive. For this moment at least, although as the fates would see it she was not to keep that luck. It was discovered that she was nothing more then a maid, a serving women for this prince, dressed as a princess. For her foolish indiscretion, she would need to be punished. She was locked away in the dungeon.
“I can’t say I regret it. I was just chasing my miracle. To stand in the sun for one minute and drink of its splendor was worth the time away.” She will muse to herself, when nothing seems worth the optimism.
On the back wall etched with cold iron into the stone says:
For I granted myself a miracle.
Make your own dreams and you shall see me in paradise.
Vivian and the Prince forever.
Word Count: 498
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Posted: Tue Mar 31, 2009 3:25 pm
2. 3.28.09: Miracles
Instructions: 500 word limit; there may be less but no more.
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Her breath smelled of coffee and toothpaste- the pink bubblegum kind you get at a dollar store. Her hair was long and had been combed only by the most natural brush on the plant- her fingers. It was frizzy.
It was a Sunday morning. She checked her red lipstick in the reflection of the framed portrait of the Pope outside her Bible Study classroom before entering. Her teeth were yellowed, though it was hard to tell exactly why. It could have been from the coffee.
Or the cigarettes.
Or the cheap toothpaste.
Probably all of the above.
The youth minister, a god-fearing man with a prominent overbite and a dusty mustache, had a sermon prepared, as usual.
“Today we’re gonna talk about miracles, folks. Who can tell me what a miracle is?”
Several hands went up, quavering timidly.
“An act of God.”
“The plays they put on in medieval times to show Jesus’ greatness.”
“The wonders that Christ performed.”
“Mankind.”
The class was impressed with the last one. A hushed silence fell over the room as they all pondered this profound response.
“Very nice.” He stared at the girl, seated in the back, who had not yet spoken. “What about you, Jill? What’s your definition of a miracle?”
She was silent for a moment. Then, finally,
“Something impossible.”
The class turned to look at her. The youth minister’s eyes widened.
“You don’t believe in miracles?”
“They don’t exist. Not anymore, anyway.” She said simply, with a touch of coldness.
“Hmmm…” the man thought, “I disagree. Miracles are all around us. You just have to open your eyes to see them.”
She was silent for the rest of the seminary.
It finally ended after a long lecture on the miracles of the world today: Children, America, teenagers who abstain from premarital sex, technology, single parents who work two jobs, etc. She sat outside on the wooden bench next to crumbling old statue of the Virgin Mary, contemplating the class discussion. Do miracles still exist? It didn’t seem like it. If they did, then why had her mother left them when she was only four? Why did they have to live on foodstamps and government aid? Why did her uncle manage to sneak into Jessie’s bedroom every night…every night…even when she whispered secret warnings for her little sister to lock the door?
The clouds were thick and leaden. The wind was cold. Her father was late.
She lit up a Marlboro.
I bet you were scared, she thought, looking at Mary’s statue, when you found out you were pregnant. You didn’t ask for it to happen.
Neither did Jessie.
Raindrops began falling from the clouds. Big and watery, they splattered on the concrete all around her. They fell on the cigarette, freckling the white paper with gray spots of wetness.
The tip sizzled, then went out.
She dropped the ruined, half-smoked thing. Lipstick-stained, it rolled and came to a stop at the Virgin’s stone feet.
Not everyone gets a miracle.
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Word Count: 498 (XD!!!)
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Posted: Sat Apr 11, 2009 2:31 pm
2. 3.28.09 Miracles Grading for SilentBreeze90
Following Instructions: 10
You wrote about the prompt and stayed within the word count. So…full points in this category!
Characters: 10
Whoever this nameless person is…I really like her. She felt realistic to me; a balanced mixture between spirited independence and hard-up desperation. I like how she seems to have a financially difficult time yet she’s not…griping and crying over it. She seems determined to make something better of her life. I especially liked her “luxury” of a clean shower. Little details like that really bring characters to life. Great job in this category <3
Grammar/etc: 7
Your sentences have a tendency to go on for several lines. However, you do provide the appropriate punctuation to make your sentences that way…so they aren’t run-ons or anything like that. However, most readers (like me) are a mixture of lazy and stupid (I’m a good balance of both), so reading such complex sentences are not really a hassle but…just wearing.
If I may suggest, try rereading this piece you’ve written and just break up a sentence or two. For example, in the fourth paragraph:
Quote: …tiny room I was occupying, pausing in front… Instead of a comma, a period might be good. Just a suggestion of course.
The only real grammatical error I could find was the following: Quote: …pausing in front of the mirror as a sight of my sleep-tousled brown locks came into view… I think “a” there should be “the.”
Also, in the last paragraph, you switched point of view from first to second with the interjection of “you.” I’m a little weary of that. I think it would be better to just keep it strictly in first. You could reword it to be something like,
“Someone told me once…” or “Ever heard that…” or just take it out completely to be, “The greatest curse in life…”
I think that even makes the piece more powerful. Especially if you incorporate the rhetorical device, “apostrophe” from the second example.
Introduction/Conclusion: 9
I thought that the introduction was extremely cute. I liked the use of the flashback…a very powerful tool that you utilized well.
Your conclusion also was very good. But I think it may have been even better if you had left off the “cursed life“ part. Not because it isn‘t good. But it kind of contrasts what the whole rest of the piece seems to be about. If the story was longer, perhaps a novel I was reading, it would be perfectly placed. However, since this is just a short piece, it‘s a little unnecessary. It does make me curious as to what is going to happen to her though.
Setting/Action: 10
I liked the description of her home very much. You didn’t dwell on it, but provided enough information so that I had a clear picture of where she was. Her environment added greatly to the piece. Again, I really liked the part about her bathroom. Can’t stress that enough.
Total: 46
Another lovely piece.
My favorite part, if I may reiterate it: Quote: I felt dampness on my cheek and angrily swiped away the tears that had come unbidden to my eyes. I‘m a sucker for crying scenes…but only if they‘re well written. You wrote and gave this character life. Whether you realized it or not, you utilized pathos very well; enough to make me feel for this character, to care for her. If you wrote a novel with her in it and she died, I‘d cry. Like a baby. Like I did when Sirius Black died in Harry Potter <3
Keep it up!
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Posted: Sat Apr 11, 2009 2:32 pm
2. 3.28.09 Miracles Grading for SoundSpy-Ayumi
(( Note: I'm...trying to make the grading a bit harder >.<; So this thread doesn't just become an egotrip for people but an actual place of learning and getting better. So...consider this grading scale:
45-50 = A
40-44 = B
35-39 = C
30-34 = D
Below = F
Thanks guys <3 ))
Following Instructions: 10
You wrote about the prompt and stayed within the word count. Therefore, full points!
Characters: 9
Mmm…I’m attempting not to be biased here because you happened to write about one of my favorite fairy tale endings. Or rather…lack of fairy tale ending.
I like how your female character was a servant girl and commoner…and for some reason, I really liked that she was blonde. While her character is developed enough, especially for a short story like this…she lacked a certain…uniqueness. She has the body, her heart is beating, she breaths…and yet…there’s no soul. I’m a little brain-dead at the moment and may not be explaining myself clearly…but! What I mean is…she’s perfectly fine the way she is…but that’s it.
In such a short story, it’s hard to incorporate such idiosyncrasies, but you’re a good writer and I know you can do it. Since there was really nothing bad about her, I am only deducting one point…but I would like to see your characters just be…explosive more. People that readers can really connect with.
Grammar/etc: 7
Your grammar, from what I read, has a few kinks…but everyone has those. So no big deal. If I may explain further:
Quote: …more then common strangers…complete prey falling into the In both examples…there very simple, inconsequential mistakes. Like…”then” and “than” and…in the second, I think there needs to be a comma after “prey.” But really. No big deal. Editors are supposed to catch those kind of things.
The only real thing that really confused me was the sixth paragraph. In there, you seemed to change tenses…and I was not entirely sure how to fix it. First it seemed like you were writing in past tense…then it switched to present…and then a brief glimpse of future. If I might edit a bit: Quote: When she was little she used to dream of that magical place where dreams were made. Where cotton candy clouds sprinkle d the earth with a joy of the next day. So when she stood by her window gazing into the beyond, she would wish for the same thing each night. “I wish my prince charming would come for me, and rescue me from my daily toil and bear me up as a princess.” She knew that such wishes couldn’t be answered. She would need a miracle. But who would grant a miracle for her? There was no higher being who wished such greatness, or so she thought. A bit sketchy, I’m afraid…but…maybe I got some point across? Maybe? I dunno @_@ But yeah. Just make sure you keep the same tense at all times when writing. There are occasions when slipping into another tense is okay…but very rarely. It’s safer just not to do it at all.
Introduction/Conclusion: 9
I thought your introduction was interesting…well written and catches the audience’s attention. Your conclusion was very good as well. I like how you ended it with something she wrote and the last line made me smile. Very good job.
Setting/Action: 8
A lot of action packed into just five hundred words. I think you did a good job of it. Some of it was a little fuzzy. It kind of felt like you were jumping back and forth in the timeline too much. It started in the present, then moved to the slight past…then to her childhood…and then I was lost xD Um. I would work on just clearing that up. Brilliant anyway.
Total: 43
This was a great piece. Again, my favorite way for a fairy tale to end.
My favorite part was probably this: Quote: They were never supposed to be more then common strangers, but she ended up dancing with a dangerous fellow. There was no misstep in their line structure, they bent at perfect angles. Yeah…those two lines…were epic. Beautifully written. Argh. Really, I adored those two lines.
I liked the flow you took with this…and your choice in writing subject was very much a surprise. A good surprise. I had not even thought to take this route with just the word, “Miracle.” So…I hope you keep up with this. I enjoy your creativity. Makes me want to write and challenge my own.
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Posted: Sat Apr 11, 2009 2:33 pm
2. 3.28.09 Miracles Grading for Harxlily
Following Instructions: 10
You stayed under the word limit so…full points!
Characters: 10
I give you full points in this category because of several elements. One, you made a foil between your main character and her seminary class. Two because of the realism of…I guess evil?…in the world. I was very surprised to hear about Jessie and I very much enjoyed the comparison of her situation to the Virgin Mary…a very good allusion.
I think the way you focused on her appearance on the beginning really helped to set her apart so…good job!
Grammar/etc: 8
There were not very many mistakes that I could catch in this piece. Probably the most prominent one was just the use of “you“ in the first paragraph. By using “you,” you are automatically obligating your writing to be in second person…and in this case, I believe the goal was third. There are ways around using “you“ although they might be a bit obscure. Just watch out for that next time.
You don‘t have many grammar mistakes at all…the only thing that I was a bit “eh“ about was your word choice and transitions at times. If I may explain further:
Quote: Several hands went up, quavering timidly. I think the two halves of this sentence contradict each other. I may be wrong but…many hands being raised to answer a question connotes that the class is excited to answer. However, you continue the sentence by saying they are timid…shy, uncertain. Not a bad sentence just…I think you could have worded it better.
Another example: Quote: “Very nice.” He stared at the girl, seated in the back, who had not yet spoken. “What about you, Jill? What’s your definition of a miracle?” The very beginning of this sentence just makes it sound like the preacher is speaking to Jill. It might have been better to give a brief pause there or something. Maybe wording it to say: “Very nice.” He complimented before staring at the girl seated in the back…
Just adding two words gives a good beat within the writing and clarifies who he was speaking it. It also kept you under the word limit ;3
Introduction/Conclusion: 10
I really liked your introduction. It kept me interested from the start. Your conclusion was good also…I just think maybe a little cliché. Not bad, it fits with the whole piece perfectly. I give you full points because I think the ending was well done…with the cigarette and all.
Setting/Action: 9
You began with the main point of your writing and kept up with the action, making this a pleasant read. So the action in this piece was great. The setting…could have been worked on just a little. Maybe describing if the church was big or small, nice or decrypted. I kind of got a sense of it because of the “crumbling” statue of Mary…but I would have liked just a little more than that if possible. But because of the word limit and how much else you had going on in there, I can understand how that would have been extremely difficult. So…just one point.
Total: 47
I was very impressed about this piece. I think your writing has improved immensely since when we first met and I congratulate you on that.
My favorite part was probably this: Quote: I bet you were scared, she thought, looking at Mary’s statue, when you found out you were pregnant. You didn’t ask for it to happen. Neither did Jessie. Your writing is definitely progressing…now I would like to see this kind of writing in your role playing to come. Keep up the great work!
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Posted: Sat Apr 11, 2009 2:36 pm
New Prompt
3. 4.11.09: Orange Juice
Instructions: 150 word limit; there may be less but no more.
Focus on dialogue.
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Posted: Sat Apr 11, 2009 9:49 pm
((Geez… How did I ever write 150 word essays in school? It’s so hard to make it that short..))
3. 4.11.09: Orange Juice
Instructions: 150 word limit; there may be less but no more.
Focus on dialogue.
“Yes, I’d like an orange juice please,” came the voice of a businessman who barely glanced at the menu, “Pancakes and strawberries with cream. That will be all, thank you.”
“Yes, sir, enjoy your breakfast,” replied the pink-clad waitress without inflection; she’d repeated the phrase too often for it to have meaning anymore.
“Watch out!”
Orange liquid spilled everywhere, especially on the businessman who stared at the color his shirt had suddenly become.
“Oh my god, I’m so sorry!” cried a new voice, distressed at the accident.
“You’re fired! Get out, new girl,” the manager said as he came to offer the businessman a free meal.
“Give her another chance,” the businessman interjected, defending the girl’s job, “It was an accident and I’m fine.”
As his waitress left to put in his order, the businessman called out once more “I don’t think I’ll need that orange juice anymore.”
Word count: 148
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silentbreeze90 Vice Captain
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Posted: Mon Apr 13, 2009 11:41 am
3. 4.11.09: Orange Juice
It sat there on the counter top in all of its orange glory.
“It could be orange juice you know that? Yes that is what I am guessing it is.” The petite brunette said lightly running her fingers over the glass as though absorbing its knowledge
“Yes that and it could be poison. Yes, that is what it is, poison. I have decided that today is the day I am going to kill you. Hope you aren’t surprised.” The red head said scanning a magazine.
The brunette opened the refrigerator and pulled out a blueberry muffin before setting it on top of the counter. “Very funny Jane, but seriously I know it is Orange juice.” She said reaching out and taking a drink.
*~*~*
Jane walked over to her body lying on the floor, “You shouldn’t have doubted me; I am very capable of making poison look like orange juice.”
Word count: 150
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Posted: Wed Apr 15, 2009 4:59 pm
New Prompt
3. 4.11.09: Orange Juice
Instructions: 150 word limit; there may be less but no more.
Focus on dialogue.
Julius looked at his brother, grinning like an idiot.
“Enjoying your breakfast?”
His brother nodded, shoveling more scrambled eggs in his mouth. He reached out, fingers wrapping around the cold glass of juice. Taking a swig, he suddenly scowled and spit it out, orange liquid spraying on the table. Julius assumed a concerned face.
“What’s wrong?”
“Juice tastes like crap.”
Don’t smile don’t smile
Julius smiled, laughs tugging at the corners of his lips.
“What did you do to it?” His eyebrows knitted together.
“What do you mean? I simply fixed my brother a nice breakfast.” His smile grew wider. The laughs were almost out. “…But. You remember last week?”
His brother shifted guiltily.
“…When you pissed all over the bathroom and blamed me?” Julius paused. “And mom made me clean it up? I didn’t wash out the sponge.”
His brother looked in horror at the glass on the table.
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Posted: Wed Apr 22, 2009 10:21 pm
3. 4.11.09: Orange Juice
Instructions: 150 word limit; there may be less but no more.
Focus on dialogue. "Wow, he must have really liked orange juice. Two months. I don't think I could imagine drinking that much of it. Do you get deaths like that often in pathology? Weird ones, I mean," a tall man asked, wearing light blue scrubs identical to the woman he was talking to.
"No, not really...well, sometimes I guess. This is the most unusual I've ever come across. You'll probably see a few that you didn't even think could exist by the time you finish your residency," she answered, proceeding by an array of unappealing soups. Instead she helped herself to a salad, which seemed less toxic.
"Was his skin orange, like when people eat too many carrots?"
"Yellow actually."
"Yellow? Huh." They moved in line again, passing an assortment of bagged chips and a refrigerator holding drinks and desserts.
"Hey," he snickered, "care for some Tropicana?"
"Uh, I think I'll pass."
Word Count: 150, via WordCountTool
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Posted: Sat Apr 25, 2009 7:32 am
3. 4.11.09: Orange Juice Grading for SilentBreeze90
Following Instructions: 10
Full points for following directions :3
Characters: 9
This assignment was not very concerned with character development as it was on dialogue. Therefore, I’m not really going to grade this section too harshly. I only deducted a point because of the manager. To me, he seemed a little cliché. We could argue this all day long, but I don’t think it’s a very significant thing xD
Grammar/etc: 9
I may need to read up on my grammar, but I think there were very minor mistakes in your piece. While no blatant mistakes, there are things that perhaps could have been done better? Such as “new girl,” since the manager is using that as the girl’s name and addressing her as such, those first letters should be capitalized.
A nine out of ten is still an A. So again, it’s really nothing to be miffed about.
Introduction/Conclusion: 10
Your introduction and conclusion were very sound. The focus was on dialogue and that is what you began and started with, very good job. I liked the whole set up of it, so for you, full points!
Setting/Action: 10
The focus was not on the setting or action so I’m not too concerned with this section. Though through your dialogue, I got a sense of what the setting was like…and you definitely had a main event you were centering your piece on. And that was kind of the point for such a short piece, to just focus on one event. So full points for you!
Total: 48
This writing assignment was meant to be more lackadaisical than the previous ones have been, so I hope you enjoyed and have fun with this one. Your writing always takes on a certain tone about it…but I’d like to see more voice in your writing in days to come. Something that really distinguishes your writing from everyone else’s. Really sit down and put your heart and soul into it. But, as I’ve come to expect, your writing itself is in tip-top shape. Good job.
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Posted: Sat Apr 25, 2009 7:34 am
3. 4.11.09: Orange Juice Grading for SoundSpy-Ayumi
Graded by: Meenchi!
Following Instructions: 10
Full points for following directions :3
Characters: 10
You've got an equal balance of dialogue and action, which works for the piece. Although specified to focus more on dialogue than anything, I don't think there's much else you could have moved around in this without upsetting the flow of things.
Grammar/etc: 4
'"...that is what I am guessing it is." The petite...' When writing a sentence like this, you exit the quotations with ',' and following through with an uncapitalized word.
'"...that is what I am guessing it is," the petite..."' One point there and after 'surprised', spoken by the redhead in her entrance. Also after 'juice', from the brunette.
'"...She said reaching out..."' Here, you would split 'said' and 'reaching', since they are two separate actions. One point.
'...she said, reaching out..."'
'"...body lying on the floor, "you..."' Typically, if you're writing about a person speaking, you can lead into the dialogue with a comma; however, a period and the start of a new line would have been more appropriate here, unless you changed the sentence completely.
'...body lying on the floor.
"You..."'
or
'...body lying on the floor, whispering, "You..."'
Yes, you were limited to 150 words, but you could have fit that extra word (or another) if you'd left out another word somewhere else in the piece. Not bad overall, it's just little errors like these that throw off a work that is otherwise sound.
'...petite brunette said lightly running her fingers...' Here, as well, you split the words 'said' and 'lightly', or 'lightly' and running' to differentiate the actions. Said lightly could imply her tone of voice, while lightly running could suggest she was just skirting her fingers across the glass rather than fully caressing or grabbing it. The same thing goes for '...the redhead said, scanning...'.
Introduction/Conclusion: 10
Very simple, but well executed intro and 'outro'. Full points.
Setting/Action: 6
Not much action involved. In fact, most of the action was fully skipped, and the setting was described in very little detail, aside from there being a countertop. There was no sense of time or day, or where the two women could have been. The scene of the brunette dying of the poison could have been described, had you not filled up most of your word count with needless dialogue. For example, you use the words 'yes', 'that', and 'it' many times throughout the dialogue, creating more fluff than meaningful dialogue or action. The focus was on dialogue, but that doesn't necessarily mean more of it, so much as the quality of it. The phrases, "It could be orange juice, you know that?" and, "Yes, that, and it could be poison," could have easily been the only dialogue you'd had in that top half and it would have been just as effective.
Total: 40
Overall, you always have an interesting writing style. It's tone is very quiet and mysterious-ish, while not being absolutely vague. Clean up those grammar mistakes, throw in a bit of spice and color, and you're well on your way to winning over the hearts of many mystery fans. ;D Overall, well done.
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