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 Posted: Sun Sep 25, 2005 10:39 am
Tirion Reivena Thomas Neo Anderson No. 3.5 bil MALES. Of those, well more than a billion in itself are small children and old men. And then you have to eliminate gay or asexual men. I think you would be lucky to have 500 million eligible men for a relationship, and you can just keep whittling this hypothetical number down to nothing by taking out men that wouldn't get involved in a relationship, or just wouldn't like you, or wouldn't work out in the long-run. I think too much. sad Well, or it's like one of my friends always says... "All of the good men are either taken, married, or gay." wink I like to think of myself as a good guy, and I couldn't get a relationship to save my life. I think it's that girls just aren't looking in the right places. I've had 8 failed relationships/psuedo-relationships/bigcrushes for one reason or another. Honestly, it seems like that saying holds true for nice guys as well. I mean, I'm solidly convince that my 'perfect' girl is either dead, a lesbian, or is Psychic and has already broken up with me. People just aren't looking in the right places Youre like the common steriotype in reverse *hi fives* Sounds accordingly, like there are [less than 3.5 billion] women, [not girls or old women or lesbians] out there looking for you.... 3nodding
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Posted: Sun Sep 25, 2005 10:40 am
~UPDATE~ Okay, after a few pm's back and forth, here's what he finally had to say: GoldenDav SD ok, answers 1) Actually thats not the case, there have been many times that i have spoken to you first, maybe not since our split. but thats just because i feel akward about the situation since then 2) Half the time i logg on to msm to see whos on im actually working at something on the pc so dont have time to end up in full conversations on msm, but i can answer the odd e-mail on Gaia 3) Alot of the time i get unknown numbers calling me, its people id rather not speak to, or sales people, or telemarketers, so i generally dont answer unknown numbers, which is how you show up on my phone when you use the calling cards I still don't really know what to believe or think. Pretty much everyone (friends, family, total strangers) think he is up to something, even if he is not actually cheating on me or anything like that. I just don't know . . .
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Posted: Sun Sep 25, 2005 10:43 am
The thing with him not answering his phone for the reason given makes sense.
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Posted: Sun Sep 25, 2005 10:45 am
Reivena The thing with him not answering his phone for the reason given makes sense. I know. They all make sense in their own way. But it bugs me that he just couldn;t tell me this sooner . . . it had to get this bad first.
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Posted: Mon Sep 26, 2005 7:52 pm
Dominic_Deegan Reivena The thing with him not answering his phone for the reason given makes sense. I know. They all make sense in their own way. But it bugs me that he just couldn;t tell me this sooner . . . it had to get this bad first.
Its up to you... so go do some soul-searchin, we'll be here to love n guide you any choice you make... now doesnt that feel better already? heart
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Posted: Tue Sep 27, 2005 5:10 am
Mavole Dominic_Deegan Reivena The thing with him not answering his phone for the reason given makes sense. I know. They all make sense in their own way. But it bugs me that he just couldn;t tell me this sooner . . . it had to get this bad first. I really hate to say it, but if you hate it now; it could only get worse.. he might start really ******** around and hurting you... and deny or replace it with himself as the victim as it seems he is perfect at doing.. You need to dig Really deep, and see if this is what you want, or what you Need to do. Its up to you... so go do some soul-searchin, we'll be here to love n guide you any choice you make... now doesnt that feel better already? heart lol, yes, thank you *hugs* I pretty much already made my decision. I know it could get worse and I had a bf like him before. He will always have a reason or excuse for everything and he will play the victim like he already has a bit. In my mind, if you are innocent of anything, then you should want to prove that right away. He waited until it got this bad before saying anything. That's what bugs me the most. It could be anything from he didn't understand what I was asking (I doubt that) to delay tactics. I still think something is up . . . It's just that gut feeling. When I read his excuses for the first time, my stomach actually flipped and somewhere in my mind a voice said "uh . . . bullsh*t!" Yes, my inner voice spoke with an astrik, lol. If you haven't read the "I'm gone" thread or my journal yet, I'm taking a one week break to settle this out with myself. I'm pretty sure I'm just going to be friends with him and back off. Thank you for your help.
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Posted: Fri Sep 30, 2005 10:03 pm
~Yet another update~
We have been talking, only as friends. He keeps saying he wants me, he misses me, and wants things the way they used to be. I have told him I'd rather back off for now. I feel trapped in a way. I do like him and it wuld be nice if we could work things out and have a real relationship. I'm afraid I will still be suspicious of him form time to time simply becuase of the distance between us. I'm scared to have another bad relationship like my first one. I still have the feeling something is up with him. he was on earlier saying he was drunk. He typed just fine, no different that he usually does and he was posting on gaia at the same time and tuping just fine. He suddenly just logged off. I have no idea if he really was drunk or not or maybe even just buzzed, if he was any of that at all.
I guess I need advice on where to go from here. I'm still going to keep my distance from him just becuase I don't feel sure abou tnaything right now. I'm afraid of those worries mentioned above as well as the thought of "what if I have been wrong and he will turn out to be a great relationship and I blow it with all this?" and so on.
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Posted: Sat Oct 01, 2005 6:02 pm
Whatever problems existed in your first relationship will still be there if you start a new one. It ended for a reason.
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Posted: Sat Oct 01, 2005 6:12 pm
Soleq Whatever problems existed in your first relationship will still be there if you start a new one. It ended for a reason. *sighs* very true . . . He keeps saying he wants me and he tried to propose to me today after a small fight we had when I said I was giving up on him . . . On top of that, my ex still loves me and I do still have feelings for him. Not that I'm going to go jump nto his arms or anything. On top top of that! Another friend wants to date me sweatdrop . I have always wanted the attention of another guy, but of course not like this . . . I know some of it is my personal screw ups and such. Part of me doesn't want to let go of the guy from sctoland just yet, despite my susicions. Part of me wants to believe him. I still need to convince that bit of me to let go, that it's not worth it. I don;t want to just leave him and block him hoping he will never talk to me again, but that seems like the best option since everytime he says thnigs like "I want you" I go f*cking soft and cave in . . . I feel trapped and panicky and I end up just freezing and going along with it . . .
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Posted: Wed Oct 05, 2005 11:37 am
Grand Finale . . .
Well, we had a blow up right now. We were talking and things were fine. He was making some sexual jokes, but I was being careful how I answer back becuase I didn't know if he would take my joking seriously or not. He made a comment on my responses and I explained why. Then he said "You don't have to worry about that. I figure you are lost to me so I gave up on trying to get you back." I must admit, I felt two things: relief and insulted when he said that. Part of me was like "Ah, a bit of freedom!" type feelings and the other part was like "Wft? . . . So now I'm not good enough?" type feelings.
I'm not sure how, but we ended up fighting a bit. Then he made a very deep cut . . . "It's not like you have been trying anyways *logs off*" . . . I haven't been trying? I was so infuriated (sp?). I e-mailed him. I took my time with it. i didn;t just attack. I wanted to let him know all the things I have been doing, yet not just attack him so he would feel like defending himself and then we'd get no where.
We have been e-mailing back and forth. We both made good points about the other, but he still doesn't seem to be getting some very important things. Here are the e-mails so you can see for yourself (sorry it is so long):
Me:
Not trying? I have been lossing sleep from thinking all the time what I am going to do to be better becuase I'm not trying? I have been going to see a counselor becuase I'm not trying? I'm still talking to you even though I constantly feel conflicted and don't know what to do becuase I'm not trying? Don't insult me . . .
Well, I guess you really have given up on me, then . . . In the time I need the most help you bailed. I know you don't know what to do, but neither do I. Atleast I have been trying ot do something about it though. I sought outside help. I have been thinking and writing about it. I'm still trying to keep in contact with you. I have no ******** clue what to do.
Oh well, you made your choice anyways.
Him:
Hun, I never know where i stand with you, i want to go slow but if i even mention anything emotionally or sexually related you seem to panick, you never say you care anymore.....
what am i to do?
Me:
Then you don't know me at all, if that is how you feel I react. What makes me panicky is when you make a direct sexual remark becuase i don't know how to respond right now. You know I don;t mind talking about sex or joking around, but I don't know how you would take it right now. if you thought I was being serious or not. There have been times you misunderstood me, so I have reason to try to rethink what i want to say and be careful about how I handle things for now.
As for not knowing where I stand, to that i say bull s**t. I always tell you and you could always ask if you are not sure. Instead you don;t say anything and assume.
Like I said, you made your choice so it doesn;t matter anymore. If you really think I'm lost to you, then stop talking to me please. I have been going through hell to find ways to make myself better for both you and me. You seem to think I'm doing nothing. You have no idea how much and how deep that cuts . . . If you want to try, then give me the chance to figure things out. In my mind, you came to this decision rather quick considering what has been happening . . .
This sucks . . . i put it all on me, I'm the one seeking help for issues we BOTH have. I'm the one trying ot fix it and you just back off. Fine whatever . . . I hope you find someone to make you happy the way I couldn't.
Him:
I have issues??? The only issue i had was falling for a girl who then began to doubt me and try and trick me, who i then forgave totally only to lose her. you want me to stop talking to you then fine goodbye
Me:
I never said I was the one that wanted to stop talk. I just said If you really think I'm lost to you, then stop talking to me please." becuase it hurts . . . As for issues, yes I have the majority of the issues. You have to admit that you contributed to my suspicions buy not answering some simple question right away so that i wouldn;t be suspicious. Yes, I had the suspicions first though. *sighs heavily* You don;t see it do you? I have been putting eveything on me even though you have had your share in it too . . . Oh well, guess this is what I get for doing that. I put so much of it on me, you really believe it is 100% me . . . I don;t know what to say or do to make you see how I feel right now. I really wish I had the money to jump on a plane and see you face to face right now. You are getting so much wrong about me over the net. You are assuming too much about me . . .
I guess I can say another issue you have proven without a doubt to have is to run away when there is a problem. Even if the problem didn;t start with you. You always seem to have a convient excuse to log off or disappear when I need you the most . . . Now you are doing it again. You made a deep hurtful blow "appeared offline", now you are completely leaving me.
I don't know how to say sorry so you will believe me. I don't know what to do or say so you can see how I really feel about all of this and what I have been going through. I'm sorry . . . I'm sorry for everything and I'm sorry to have wasted your time . . . Goodbye . . .
Him:
I never said it was all your fault, in fact if you remember about 20 minutes ago i was taking the blame for it, i still do. As for giving up on you.... I cant help but feel that ive lost you hun, its seemed that way for so long, even before you said you wanted to break. As for hurting, you dont think i am? you dont think that it hurts being so close to you, and not being with you. I look at our conversatino and realised weve not got anywhere since we split. I dont know if ill ever get you back, but it seems that you dont want to talk to me if all we were going to be was friends, but if we cant be friends what chance do we have as a couple hun?
Me:
I don;t want to talk to you? Jesus ******** Christ, man!! What have I been doing? Talking to myself this whole time? Sorry for the explosion there but sometimes I wonder what the hell you are thinking. You say i don;t try, but look at what I have been doing and how short of time has passed since I we split and I started doing this. it has only been 2 weeks. Do you know that? You say I don;t want to talk to you if we are only going to be friends. Am I not still talking to you? I meant don;t talk to me if you are giving up on me completely in the sense of not helping me. If you don;t want to help or want to see others, then get lost. I don't want to deal with that kind of hurt on top of all this other crap. I figured it out. With my last check, this check this friday, and maybe some serious overtime, I can afford to fly there next week. Do I need to that? seriously, I'm not kidding.
Him:
As much as i would love for you to come here, i dont think it would help, and I never said i didnt want to help, i just dont know how to or know where i stand with you 1/2 the time.
Me:
Like I keep saying: I alway slet you know where I stand and what I'm thinking and feeling. if you don;t understand or you think I didn;t say, then just ask me. I really think seeing you face to face would help. Then you can hear the tone in my voice, see the expression on my face, hear and see the emotion I am going through with all this s**t. Yes, I could call you and we have webcams, but that doesn't convey the true emotion and feelings.
Please, let me know exactly what you want to do right now. I need to know. This is insanely stupid. I have been telling you over and over since we met exactly how I feel and thinking about things. I'm that kind of person. if you don;t understand or you missed it, then ask. it really is as simple as that. Want me to break down how I feel right now again?
Here it is: I have been stressed and feeling shitty about ebverything that has happened. I have felt awful for doubting you then trying to trick you (even though I failed miserably at it). I have been thinking so much and writing and going to a counselor and talking to others. Most tell me to give up and move on, but I'm still here. I have asked for you to help me anyway you can, but you keep running away using the excuse that you don't know what to do. I don't know what to do either, that's why I need your help. I'm trying ot make things work, you keep backing off. The more I reach for you the farther you get.
If you don;t get that by now . . . then there really is no hope at all . ..
So as you can painfully see, it is a lot of back and forth of the same issues. That is how it has been for the past month almost. I'm ready to give up completely . . . I don;t care if he still wants to talk to me, but in terms of trying ot fix things, I'm ready to roll over.
After writing all this and trying to get him to answer me for the last part of what he really wants, he was on for a while but didn;t say anything, now he is logged off. I guess that's his answer . . .
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Posted: Wed Oct 05, 2005 2:27 pm
Sometimes things just come to a natural end. Perhaps this is one of those times...
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Posted: Wed Oct 05, 2005 3:01 pm
Soleq Sometimes things just come to a natural end. Perhaps this is one of those times... Indeed . . . It definatly seems like it. He hasn't responded to that last one I sent him and he has been off and on MSN and Gaia without saying anything to me. So yeah, I guess that's it . . .
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Posted: Wed Oct 05, 2005 9:20 pm
I talked to him breifly and he said he was "so sorry for all the hurt he had ever caused me". Honestly, he seemed sincere, but then he went quiet and disappeared again. Oh well . . .
At this point, I'm done trying to "fix" things and even myself. I had started seeing a counselor, but I'm not anymore. I don't see a reason too. I wouldn't mind still talking to him as friends, but I don't think he wants that, or maybe he is still not getting it through his head and thinks I don't want that.
*sighs* . . .
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