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 Posted: Thu Jun 12, 2008 10:00 am
"What I'm trying to say, Odile, is that what happened to you is not a crime at all. A tragedy, yes, but not a crime. It was an accident, Odile. You were young even if you were fully grown. How were you to know? Life teaches us from experiences. There's no way to prepare for every outcome. There's no way you could have known what would happen. I think you're a lot harder on yourself than anyone else would be, especially your parents. You're in a terrible state, Odile, but you're trapping yourself. You're punishing yourself. This much I can see even though we have not known each other long. I can see it as clearly as I can see the sky. I don't think you killed her out of jealousy. You were hurt and being irrational, yes, but you were young. You did nothing with the intent to harm or kill your sister. I'm sure of it. If you had, you would not feel remorse. You would not feel guilt. If your intention was to kill your sister, you would not be punishing yourself for it. I have been around Death, Odile. I have been around punishment. I know when I am seeing it or not. It was an ACCIDENT."
The old mare shook her head. It was so sad. The pain the other angeni felt was so strong. Though she could be wrong it really seemed like Odile was trapped in a prison she built around herself. One did not feel such guilt for a crime they wanted to commit. One that was thought through. She was sure that this all came from years of self-torture. Years of listening to her own doubts. "My son has beaten and nearly killed a mare for no other reason than anger. I am trying to be sympathetic, Odile. I would give my own soul to the devils for Reaper to feel the remorse for his crimes as you do for the accident you were involved in. You have heart, Odile. My son is still finding his."
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Posted: Sun Jun 15, 2008 1:26 pm
She took a slow, shuddering breath, trying to get her emotions under control. She hurt so deeply at the moment that half of Angel's words went unheard in her desperate attempt to regain control of herself. Forgiveness wasn't supposed to hurt, was it? Or was it that she had denied herself forgiveness so long, convinced herself so furiously that it was her fault; she was a murderess, and deserved to feel all the pain that could be heaped upon her...
But that was wrong? She felt her legs crumple and her body hit the dirt, and she gave a soft cry. Everything she had lost, everything she had given up. She had lost her sister, her family, herself. She'd given up the chance at comfort and support, and run from those who could have given her the love she needed, and those who needed her at a painful time for them as well; had in fact intensified the pain by making them believe both of their daughters had died. She had hidden herself from the world, and driven herself into madness, all to block the pain out.
The familiar habit lurked there. She could slide back into that familiar shell of self-hatred and pain. In her current state she realized if she stepped back in there it would be a betrayal of her parents, her sister and herself. In so doing she would be giving in to the self-hatred she had built up, and would be letting down this kind angeni who had granted her what she needed.
Forgiveness, Companionship, Relief, Understanding. Freedom.
She lay there in the warm grass, struggling to accept the new feelings welling inside her. "What is she- am I- supposed to do, Angel?" she looked at her companion after a moment. "She- I- it has been so long, I don't know any other way to live."
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Posted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 3:32 pm
"The first thing you could do is look around you. Start looking at things for what they are. Enjoy the scenery. Watch a sunset and a sunrise. Find things to enjoy in YOUR life, Odile. You only get one. This will not disrespect your sister. If it helps, talk to her. Even if she can't really hear you. It might help." She had done that when she thought Raguel was lost to her. Perhaps some probably thought she was mad but it felt like she was honoring him by not forgetting him. She felt like he could hear her and it made her feel better about it, at least a little.
"What you did was an accident. You need to find a way to forgive yourself, Odile and if you can find your family, let them know. I am sure they miss you a great deal and would understand. Love.. it's a powerful thing. Don't underestimate it."
Angel walked over and kneeled down beside Odile and draped her wings over her body. "Why don't you come stay with Raguel and I for awhile? Stop spending so much time alone?"
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Posted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 11:50 pm
The mare took a deep breath, leaning up, into the comfort that the other angeni offered. A sunset and a sunrise, hmm? "Are you sure that your mate would not mind?" Odile was pleased at the offer, though hesitant to accept. She had just met this mare, and didn't want to... impose. It was in her to shy away from the invitation, though the part of Odile that was so...
Needy.
Desperate.
Longing.
... It was not in that part of her to reject the other mare's offer; in fact, that part of her was angry she was giving her the chance to back out of it.
The rest of her was thinking hard. Was there a way she could contact her parents, without the rest of the herd knowing? Love or not, she was afraid of any punishment the rest of the herd may choose to visit upon her for her foolishness. She heaved a heavy sigh before giving Angel a small smile. "If you think he won't mind, it would be my honor to accept your invitation."
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Posted: Tue Jul 08, 2008 9:19 pm
Angel smiled, "Raguel would not mind at all. He's a very good stallion." She was really lucky to have him in her life. She was sure that when he learned about Odile, he would welcome her as strongly as she would. It would be nice to have some more Angeni around as well. So far, everyone that she had come across was a relative of theirs. Odile was the first true Angeni she had met outside of her family and was her only friend, despite having known her for a short time. She had a feeling about Odile. A good one.
She knew that Raguel would not find a problem with her new friend. Perhaps it would do Odile some good to be around a family again. Let her warm up to the idea of it all over again. She had spent so many years alone, after all. It wouldn't be an easy transition to get back to. Perhaps when she felt more comfortable, she'd be more inclined to visit her own family one day.
"I don't know about that bird though," Angel noted, looking up at the sky. "I don't think Raguel would put up with his rudeness or abuse one bit."
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