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 Posted: Thu Apr 17, 2008 2:01 pm
This is the paragraph that people in class cringed at the most. They say I'm twisted for this:
The Torture Paragraph
My eyes open. The brick layered walls still hold its torches in place; the only light available in this enclosed chamber. I suspend my screams for the aches in my throat to cease and the fact that I contain fear in my veins. I curse under my heavy breath. If the scalds around my wrists would sooner heal, I could escape this prison. Instead, I hang in place limp and motionless by the chains attached to the ceiling. The gashes on my torso from my whippings burn with a stinging sensation, especially the ones that cover my breasts. The only piece of clothing that embellishes my body, men’s boxers, gradually slip down my petite waist. The hot, metal prod’s scorch marks on my scalp still tingle from the slight breeze that the hollow doorways create. My petrified legs still ache and force agony on me. The fat around my thighs that was so brutally removed with a sharpened spatula throbs with the movement of my leg. The b*****d holding me captive rubbed salt in the wound and wiped Vaseline deep within the meat not too long before. Even with all of these horrible happenings occurring, I still brave it out and shed no tears, though that might be due to the fact that my left eye had been gouged out with a spoon. The other had been viciously melted with the pot of hot cooking oil that had been poured into it. I just can’t wait until –
“Cynthia, are you awake?” the brutal man says. “Babe, ready for another session?”
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Posted: Thu Apr 17, 2008 2:21 pm
It was good up to the eye gouging. That took away the rhythm. Your writing reminds me of my good ol' days, I used to write like that all the time, insanity was always my favorite subject. My writing abilities got me labeled by my teachers as a borderline genius, I haven't written like that in a few years.
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[Hollow Point] Vice Captain
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Posted: Thu Apr 17, 2008 6:19 pm
I can't think of many torture methods. I don't have a mind for that kind of brutality. Eye gouging was one of the only ways I could think of that could simulate the loss of an eye.
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Posted: Thu Apr 17, 2008 9:36 pm
You could use blindness as a metaphor for not simply her physical torture, but the torture of her mind.
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[Hollow Point] Vice Captain
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Posted: Mon Apr 21, 2008 1:28 pm
That seems like a brilliant idea. Even so, I'm far too lazy to change it... <_<
What about this story?:
Knocking on the walls and scratching of the stair banister rung in her ears. The mice… she reassured herself. Just the mice… A good time to have a blackout; 1:30 AM. That is, unless you are awake, ten, and afraid of the dark. Whispers escape the vacant hallways and enter the cracks beneath Sadie’s bedroom door. It’s nothing… she reasoned. Just the wind… Just the… talking wind… The voices grew forceful as young Sadie listened.
“Your fate is inescapable…”
“Our murdered souls must keep alone…”
“You must die to stay…”
Hyperventilating, Sadie slowly stepped onto the light blue frizzed carpet. Though the low grumbling sound of the heater still pressed on, the room sustained a feeling that resembled death’s cold touch. A chill emanated from the walls that still held the sounds of several overgrown rats. Covering her mouth with sweaty hands, Sadie edged ever so quietly to her light pink door. Some motion caught her eye in the sliding closet door’s mirror near the entrance. After closing her eyes and taking a deep breath through her pale, lean fingers, Sadie glanced at the mirror and wished for nothing to have been there in that room with her. A scream escaped her lips as she saw the figure of a woman, hunched over, wearing a long cotton dress that stood next to the bedpost.
“Mom! Dad!” Sadie yelled, alarmed. “Come help me!” When no reply came and when the figure started to raise an arm, the girl exploded out of the door with a deafening boom and bolted down the stairs to her parents’ room. She pounded on the door and pleaded with her parents to open it. Nothing stirred except for the rising of the voices.
“Your death is inevitable…”
“Mom! Dad! For dear God, help me!” Sadie exclaimed. Breaking down and falling to the hardwood floor, she gasped for breath as an unknown force grabbed her throat. “Oh, Jesus…” she choked.
The hand released its clench and drifted off to another section of the house. Sadie wiped the tears from her eyes and tried to get sound from her throat. All she was rewarded with was a slight gagging noise. The creak of gradually rusting hinges broke whatever silence was held there. She found herself looking at her parents’ bedroom door opened just a crack. Her eyes filled with glee and color rushed back to her face.
“Mom! Dad!” she yelled in exhilaration. “Thank God!” Sadie flipped the light switch to ON. “Are you guys even awake?” A feeling of bewilderment overwhelmed her body at the sight her eyes were forced to hold.
The man and woman were no more than corpses draped in expensive linen bed sheets. Their decaying red and brown skin oozed miniscule amounts of blood and maggots by the hundreds. Organs were eaten from the inside out as well as the spinal chord maimed and broken.
“No… No!” Sadie screamed. “This can’t be happening!” She scampered out of the room and abruptly stopped when a ghostly hand grabbed her face.
“You are trespassing on our area. You must pay,” a gruff man’s voice announced. He twisted his hand while Sadie screamed as the skin slowly broke away from her skull.
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Posted: Mon Apr 21, 2008 1:50 pm
The beginning of that story actually reminded me a bit on my childhood, I had bad asthma as a child (it almost killed me at 18 months) and I took a type of steroid to calm the inflammation in my throat, as a side effect I suffered for a couple of years from severe audio hallucinations. After about 9 1/2 the hallucinations stopped and I was put on Advair for treatment.
Anyway, you don't care about that. I preferred the last story to this one, because this one didn't feel... believable. The best thing you could do with this story is try to get into the mindset of a 10 year old child, it seemed more like you were trying to force the goriness or the morbidity of the story rather than let it flow. I think the main problem I have with it is the dialog from the ghosts, the girl is great the gagging noise was great, the whole cliche "you're a trespasser, we will kill you" thing is what I had a problem with. I am absolutely in love with the way you described the corpses, it wasn't as if they were recently deceased, but had been decomposing for some time.
The last sentence needs a renovation, if I were writing it I'd have put it that there were large rats feasting on the flesh of her parents, because rats are terrifying:
The man and woman were no more than corpses draped in expensive linen bed sheets. Their decaying red and brown skin oozed minuscule amounts of blood and maggots by the hundreds. Sadie choked at the site of rats feasting upon the organs of her parents making satisfied squeals as they reveled in the gore. She backed out of the room and closed the door still hearing the high squeals of the rats behind the walls.
“No… No!” Sadie screamed. “This can’t be happening!” overwhelmed she slid down the wall into a sitting position in front of her parent's room tears sliding down her catatonic face.
“You are trespassing on our area. You must pay,” a gruff man’s voice announced. He twisted his weathered and blistered hand as Sadie moaned beneath his strength, as the flesh slowly tore from bone she was taken over by the sound of the screaming rats that would too soon feast upon her young bones.
Good?
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[Hollow Point] Vice Captain
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Posted: Mon Apr 21, 2008 8:15 pm
Aww. That's unfortunate. ):
Oh lord. You are obviously a far better writer than me. Though, I wouldn't realy want to utilize the rats too much because Stephen King wrote a story based entirely on rats. The ghost that kills Sadie, I don't think that he should have a certain texture on his hands, considering that he is only a spiritual entity. It seems or like a zombie that a ghost. Other than that, I'd say yours has far superior description.
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Posted: Mon Apr 21, 2008 8:39 pm
What story might that be?
I was actually referring to the ending of 1984 and American Psycho where rats are used as a tool of fear in 1984 and as a murder device in American Psycho. I thought that too when I wrote it, but I figured that something more real that could grab you, something that could have a grip was a little more, I dunno... acceptable? You're totally right, of course, but I think you described them as having cold touch or strong grip; does that not make them just as material as blistered flesh?
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[Hollow Point] Vice Captain
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Posted: Mon Apr 21, 2008 8:53 pm
I don't remember what the story is called, it was a very short one, only 10 pages or so. My story is quite obviously fictional, so a non-realistic approach could somewhat work, though you do have a point. Incorporating the much hated vermin could make it seem livelier, if that's an appropriate wordto describe it. And when I think of a ghost, I usually think of it as a seemingly holorgraphic figure, though able to physically manifest itself and become able touch. If the ghost had rotting flesh and boils or whatever, it would be no different than the corpses of the parents that lay in the bed, with the exceptn of being animated.
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