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 Posted: Wed Nov 14, 2007 6:22 pm
A Look Into the Past - A Spiral Into Oblivion
Shortly after Ailin left, I moved to another town. I figured, new town, fresh start. New faces, easier to move on. But I was wrong. Even now, I regret the move and what I did while I was there. Though, I must admit. A fair bit of that time is a bit of a fog - all of it blends together. I was nearly 19 when I made the move, a strong 6'4", from the time I'd spent with Ailin. I had my street brawling skills, and the ability to work in a pub. Aside from my high school classes, and the random class I'd picked up on computers while Ailin and I lived together, I didn't have many skills in the way of real life.
Sure, I could throw a punch. Read a book. Wait a table. But that all did nothing to prepare me for what real life had to offer me. Away from my 'comfort zone' I quickly fell prey to a beautiful girl and her father's need for a bouncer.
She was gorgeous, a full 5'11", blonde and blue eyed. Her voice was pretty for speaking, but ugly for singing. Especially when compared to Aine. So my music was put to the side, and her pleasure quickly took place over mine. One night, before bed, I noticed some odd bruises on her arm. I was curious, and asked her what happened. She shrugged it off, and took charge of our bed time activities.
The next day, while I was working for her father as a bouncer, fresh off a fight with some drunkard, he invited me to the back. Thinking I might be in trouble, I ducked my head in embarrassment and quickly followed suit.
He led me through the back of the pub, and into the cellar. What I saw there altered my life for the rest of my time in that town. Dara, my girl's father, ushered me over to a chair. The smile on his face frightened me, as he quickly informed me I had been promoted.
At first pleased with this, I began to stand up, thanking him and asking him what my new duties would be. Thinking I might be head of wait staff again, I figured it was no big deal.
But then he shoved me back into the chair. The atmosphere in the room took on a whole new meaning, and Briana stepped forward. She had a syringe in her hand, though at first I didn't know what she was doing to do. A couple of big guys grabbed my arms as she tied a tourniquet on my left arm. She smiled sweetly and nibbled my ear before whispering, "Don't worry, this won't hurt."
The sting as the needle and fluid in it entered my arm and blood stream was nothing compared to what happened once the drug began to take effect. Their faces contorted and I saw odd images as I fell out of the chair. My head clunked against the ground, and I'm sure I groaned as I lay half crawling, half twitching on the ground. But none of it really registered until I saw the lump on my head the next day.
I don't really know what happened for most of that night - just that my promotion involved drug running. Briana got me addicted to heroine, and soon, whenever I saw her try something new - I had to try it too.
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Posted: Wed Nov 14, 2007 8:35 pm
A Look Into the Past - Crash and Burn
I spent most of my days drinking, running drugs, and bouncing - and most of my nights were spent with Briana, doing drugs...and other things. I got into a routine with it - drink a few shots, do a run, get into some fights as a bouncer, do a few more shots, repeat. And at night, we'd take a hit, snort a line, go to bed, wake up, and repeat.
It got to be such a habit that little in life mattered if it didn't have to do with drugs, liquor, or sex. If I'd had a clear mind, or even had the desire to take step back and look at what I was doing to myself, I might have been able to stop. Or at least to seek help.
But I didn't want help. I wanted to run myself into the ground so hard I couldn't get up again. I couldn't bring myself to end my life, so I kept hoping someone else would do it for me. During one of my drug runs, I ran into an old man. Ex-cop, I figured. He had a long beard and sorrowful gray eyes. He stopped me for a while, told me he knew what I was doing, and that I should stop before it caught up to me.
I laughed in his face, and continued with my routine. Barely giving him another thought.
Pretty soon, I noticed even through my alcohol and drug induced haze, that this man was showing up pretty frequently. I think I knew then that he was scoping out the place, planning a sting, but I don't think I cared. I wanted him to catch those bastards. I wanted him to stop me. I couldn't stop myself anymore, and I knew it. But I also knew I couldn't ask for help, or I'd be dead.
Finally, the old man stopped dropping by. Life slipped on in an even faster haze as Briana introduced me to ecstasy. She'd throw it into a shot of whiskey and have me drink it, then she'd do the same.
A couple of weeks later, thoroughly smashed and lying half naked, sprawled in bed with Briana, there was a knock on the door. We were too far gone to really care, and when they shouted that they were the police, only Briana sprung into action.
Before I knew they'd even come in through the door, Briana had gotten up, gotten dressed, and was trying to jump out the window. I believe the only thing I said after I stood up and looked the old man in the face, was "s**t." And then I fell into his arms, the look of pity he gave me the last thing I remember.
I woke up in a hospital the next morning - they'd had to pump my stomach. Turns out I'd overdosed on some substance or other, if they hadn't done the sting that night, I wouldn't have woke up the next morning. The cop who'd begged me to stop what I was doing made a deal with the judge - I'd go to Durem with his family when they went on vacation. I wouldn't touch drugs again, and all I had to do, was testify against Briana and her father.
It was easy enough, though I didn't understand the possible consequences at the time. I got a slap on the wrist, testified against a family I'd come to despise, and went off with the cop's family to settle into a new home.
Briana's last words to me took on a whole new meaning on the plane ride over. She'd said she'd kill me - and the cop informed me that, had I not left, her wish probably would've come true.
Turns out I'd fallen in with a family who was known for theft, murder, and drugs.
Lucky little b*****d, aren't I?
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Posted: Wed Nov 14, 2007 8:56 pm
A Look Into the Past - A Fresh Start
The chance for a fresh start comes only once in a blue moon, and though I hated to accept his charity, when the man handed me a ticket, I accepted with as much grace as I could muster. I was still weak from rehab, and the insanity of the last couple years of my life, and sensing that, left to my own devices I'd wind up down the wrong path again, the man took me into his family. Brought me to a new place, Durem, where I could live with his family in a temporary arrangement, until I found a place of my own. He helped me track down the only family I really had - my father and my sister. Notified them of where I was, but not what I'd done.
When he'd first suggested we write them, I'd nearly run away. I didn't want them to know what I'd done, to see the shame I felt. He promised we wouldn't have to tell them a thing, that I could open up when I was ready. Instead, our letter spoke of new ventures, my music, and my new home.
I didn't get a response.
It crushed me, to think that even my long lost family didn't care for my existence, but the old man had crushed me into a bear hug and wiped away my tears. He laughed and told me how once his wife had forgotten to write him for months while he was away at war - how it had hurt then, but how they laughed about it now. She had smiled her tight lipped smile at me, patted my head, and treated me as if I were just six years old.
In a way, I suppose I was. Though I was nigh on twenty, I hadn't really grown up during my teenage years. Most of them had been spent boozing, doing drugs, chasing skirt, fighting, and not knowing if I'd live to see the next day.
I didn't show it then, I was too busy rebelling and fighting him every step of the way, but the year I spent with that old man was the best year of my life. He enrolled me in courses for music and computers at the local college, paid for it out of pocket, bought me some new clothes, got me a haircut, and let me get a fresh start.
I could finally bring myself to walk tall about six months after our move, was holding down a job, had been sober the entire time, was attending school, and was looking for a place of my own.
I'd been tempted a time or two, by the girls in class, and even a guy or two, even had a couple of stoners ask me to light up. But I managed to steer clear, wanting to get my head above the water, before I even tried to take another chance with anyone.
The old man used to have me run errands, to "earn my keep", because my pride wouldn't let me stay on with them for free. It was on one of these errands that I stumbled across (rather, over) a dirtied bunny mask. Thinking it was some young child's, I looked around for a possible owner. Though I saw a young man with a few guys around him, I didn't think anything of it, didn't really pay attention to their shouting. My attention was on finding the kid - and when I didn't, I threw the mask away and didn't dwell on it anymore.
In retrospect, I suppose I really should've gone up to the boy that had been pinned that day. Might have ended up better for us the next time we wound up near each other on the same street.
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Posted: Wed Nov 14, 2007 10:29 pm
A Look Into the Past - The Mysterious Bunny Mask
A few days passed since the first time I saw the bunny mask. One day, as I was leaving work I noticed a man in a bunny mask. Thinking this a bit odd, and curious what sort of mischief he was into, I followed him. I found it odd how he carried a large bag stuffed with what appeared to be a laptop or two, and ignored all the stares he received for his mask. Intrigued, I kept pace behind him until the guys I'd seen before stopped him and ripped off his mask.
He got angry and tried to throw a punch while simultaneously trying to protect his bag - and missed. I jogged forward a bit and hollered for the boys to leave him be, but they didn't listen. Angry at myself for what I was about to do, I threw my own bag down by a brick wall and intercepted one of the three guys.
I threw him a mean right hook, and quickly tucked my left arm in at my side as another guy tried to take a pot shot at me. I didn't know who I was helping out, but didn't really care. Three against one wasn't fair odds, three against two was better. Praying one of them didn't have a knife - and later wishing I'd prayed for that sooner, I threw a kick out at the guy to my left, and tried to block the guy to my right at the same time.
Good tactics when fighting two, but not so lucky when you've got three boys on your back. The one in the middle landed a nasty punch to my stomach, knocking the air out of me. As I doubled over, I caught sight of the boy with the bunny mask as he deftly plucked it back over his face and snuck just out of view.
The boys didn't seem to mind, and as I continued to try to block three and hit them all at the same time, I realized I was fighting a losing battle. Bashing one of them with my forehead, I quickly jumped over him as he fell, and tried to take off down the street.
Lucky me, one of the bastards had a knife and managed to slit my left arm as I strode past. Cursing as I ran, I turned a corner in the unfamiliar streets, and cursed myself again as I found myself at a dead end.
Turning around I saw two of the boys coming after me, the third hanging farther back, and caught the gleam of a knife in the fading light. Sighing, I set my feet and waited for the worst. Instead, the boy in the bunny mask came up and announced, "Now, go away." Almost as if he expected them to simply obey what he said.
I noticed at random that he had his cell phone out, but I don't think anyone else did. As their jeers filled the air, I took the chance to take a few more swings, even managing to knock one into unconsciousness before the police arrived.
If that boy hadn't been wearing a mask, I'd have sworn he had a self righteous look on his face as the boys were taken off to jail for assault. An ambulance came and picked me up, where I received some stitches in my arm. As they were getting ready to shut the doors, he quietly muttered that his name was Sionce. The next day, the old man gave me a note that asked me to meet someone at the local coffee shop.
He threw me a questioning look, but I merely shrugged. I wanted to know who this guy was, but didn't want the old man to worry about my safety. He'd heard from the boys at the precinct that I'd gotten into a brawl, and had come down on me hard the night before.
After a long, long argument, he consented to let me leave. I quickly strode towards that coffee shop, not sure if I really wanted to go there or not.
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Posted: Wed Nov 14, 2007 11:18 pm
A Look Into the Past: A Strained Meeting
Following the map the old man had given me, I stiffly walked towards the cafe Sionce had told me to meet him at. Checking to ensure my wrist bands were in place and no scars were visible, I glanced at my watch before sighing. I was running a little behind - I hadn't anticipated the cafe was this far from where we lived. Picking up the pace to a brisk walk, I tugged my loose pants up, cursing how I'd forgotten to throw a belt on before leaving the house.
Finally coming to the street sign indicated, I slowed down and checked each store front until he finally came to the one jotted down on the note. Grimacing at how high tech the place looked, I sighed and steeled myself before opening the doors and heading in. Gazing around for the bunny mask, I quickly noted a man sitting at a table large enough for 6 to dine at. Tilting my head, it slowly dawned on me that this was the man I was meeting.
He had the bunny mask on and was using several computers all at once. A young waitress came to ask me if I needed to be seated, but I shrugged her off and said I was there to meet someone. Winding my way through the tables, I braced myself for what I felt could end up coming to a confrontation. After all - this man had been getting beaten up when I stepped in. And he hadn't seemed too happy about being "rescued", instead calling the cops on the boys. The ambulance had been overkill - I could easily have walked to the nearest clinic, and had been embarrassed about such a big to do over a cut that only needed six stitches.
Arriving at the table, I cleared my throat, attempting to garner some attention without outright disrupting the man who was obviously hard at work on some form of coding. Hardly able to contain my curiosity, I couldn't help it as I inadvertently leaned over and watched the man work. I had some basic knowledge in coding, but not enough to work as fast as Sionce was.
As if sensing the fact that I stood behind him, Sionce snapped his head up before angrily muttering, "As if I don't attract enough attention, I don't need to add to it by you hovering there." His jaw jutted towards a seat next to him and I took that as an invitation of sorts to sit down. Sighing and taking the chair, I hoped I hadn't misinterpreted his gesture. But judging by the short nod he gave me - I guess I didn't.
I ordered a cup of hot tea as the waitress came by, as well as a sandwich. I'd forgotten to eat before I left, and knew my stomach was liable to make itself known if I didn't eat soon. At first, Sionce didn't say anything, leaving me to my small meal as he continued to work. After some time, during which I'd polished off two cups of tea, the sandwich, and a piece of cake, Sionce finally scooted his chair back and turned his masked face towards me.
It bothered me that I couldn't see his face, to aid in reading whatever he said, but I did my best not to let it show. He stared at me for a few minutes, and I could have sworn he'd been working himself up to it, but he finally muttered, "Thanks for yesterday." Even as I opened my mouth to say that he was welcome, but why had I had to come here for that, he raised a slender, pale hand to silence me. "But I could have dealt with it myself, you know."
At that, I rocked back in my chair and let a low whistle go. He'd been getting the crap kicked out of him until I stepped in, had run away when he should have stayed to fight, and had called the cops to break it up. Yet he still had the audacity to tell me, that he was fine on his own and hadn't needed my help after all. Raising the arm that had been sliced, I couldn't help but raise an eyebrow as well. "And did you have a plan for when he brought out his knife, Sionce?"
A low, humorless laugh escaped from his throat as he raised what I could only think of as an accusing glance in my direction. "They wouldn't have brought that knife out on me," he said, as if that should be the end of it. But having been a brawler back in Ireland, as fair a fight as you can get when everyone is drunk, drugged, or both, I couldn't imagine a couple of guys just wanting to beat someone up and it being left at that.
I sputtered a few protests, but again he just calmly raised a hand as he coded away. "Trust me, its not the first time." Turning his mask in my direction, he added a sly, "It likely won't be the last, either." Shrugging, as if that was all perfectly fine, I sat back in my chair.
I couldn't figure this guy out! First he acted like he wanted help, then like he didn't need it. Then like it didn't matter if he did or didn't have help at all, because it would happen anyway. Making a small noise of disgust, I threw my hands in the air before muttering, "And how can you be okay with all that?"
Again, that low, humorless laugh left his mouth, as he gestured towards his computers. Nearly purring as he spoke of them, he said, "As long as they're okay, it doesn't really matter what happens to me."
My jaw dropped open and I'm sure I stared a full five minutes before I composed myself again. A man more interested in his computers than his own safety? That was unheard of! Standing up, I strode to the counter and nabbed a piece of scratch paper and a pencil stub. Scratching a few things down, I walked back to the table and slapped the paper down.
"That settles it," I began, not really sure why I was going to help him out, but knowing that I felt better knowing I was doing something than nothing, "I'm going to teach you the basics of fighting." Eying Sionce's computers I added, "Or, at least, enough so you can protect those."
Nodding to myself, I refused to think about why I was helping him. "It's not because I feel guilty about my past. Its not." I started to walk away, not hearing his retorts, or likely accusations, I realized I'd forgotten to give him my name. Turning my head slightly, I introduced myself, "By the way, my name is Fiach." And with that, I strode out of the store, afraid he might ask me why - but before I was completely out of ear shot, I heard him mutter to his computers, "I don't need his help," and a quieter, unsure, "Do I?"
Smiling as I walked home, I was sure that I had made a good decision. No matter the reason, I wanted to help someone. Even if that guy was a jerk. Just like that old man had helped me.
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Posted: Wed Nov 14, 2007 11:20 pm
A Look Into the Past: Without Warning
The days went by, and I soon found an article in the paper about a new shop that would be opening up. It was merely listed as a computer repair shop, one that would require coding knowledge, as well as basic computer repair skills. I circled their number, and made a mental note to go and apply.
When I showed up there later that day, the building was immaculate, both inside and out. The owner was a feline like humanoid, who spoke in terms that I found difficult to follow. Somehow, he deemed me suitable for the job, and I was given the job of managing the shop that was to be called .NET Hackers.
As he took me through what that would entail, he said I could hire as many co-workers as I so chose - the shop was mine to run as I wanted, while he ran around space in Fel's Wrath. Nodding slowly as I took all of this in, I sat staring at him bewildered.
How could I possibly handle a shop on my own? I was a recovered drug addict, among other things! But I needed the job - I couldn't work a bar all my life. It wasn't satisfying.
Sullenly, I accepted the job, and began to wonder who I might hire to work at my side. At twenty years of age, nearing to twenty one, I found the whole idea a bit overwhelming. My thoughts kept turning to the man I'd begun to think of as, at least, a good acquaintance. Sionce might be able to help me with the shop. Though he seemed oddly shy around people, if he could handle the technical side of things, surely I could hire a hand or two to aid me with the customers.
Pleased with myself, I began moving my things out of the old man's house. Inwardly, I'd begun to think of him as a grandfather, though I could never tell him that to his face. The letter we'd send my family had long since been dismissed from my mind, but as a young lady came striding up the lawn, letter in hand, I began to wonder just who she was.
She pleasantly introduced herself as Adalia, watching me the entire time. Her looks were vaguely familiar, reminding me almost of the sister I hadn't seen since I was five years old. Shaking my head at the thought, I turned back to packing the car, as the old man spoke to her.
After a long discussion, he strode over to me and handed me some pages that had obviously been read, and re-read, with care. Even as I looked on the pages, I realized who the girl was, and stared, stunned, at the pages before me. My sister, who had not bothered to write back, had suddenly appeared at the door step of where I lived.
Glancing at her a second time, I noted she brought with her a couple of suitcases. Realization slowly hit me as I came to understand she'd intended on moving in with me. Begrudgingly, I agreed. Only for the sake of the few memories I still had of her when we were younger. She had no memories of me, and I hoped she never learned exactly what I'd been up to these past few years.
I was ashamed of my past, and couldn't bear for my long lost sister to be ashamed of me, too.
Instead, I mostly listened as she spoke. She told me of living on the reservation with our father, of how she disappointed him by sleeping with her boyfriend of two years, when she was only 15. I was slightly shocked that she'd even been dating at that time, and slowly did the math. I would have been almost 17 at the time - I could hardly hold anything against her, all things considered.
After falling out of our father's good graces, she had become a bit of an outcast. Dying her hair all sorts of odd colors, dressing as outrageously as she could. Anything she might do, just to anger him, to catch his attention. I could understand why she did what she did, but didn't say anything. Simply listened. As we moved into my new house, I vaguely began to wonder if she'd ever run out of breath.
By dinner time, she'd finally run out of topics on herself - and turned the conversation to me. I refused to say much, a decision that has come to haunt me. The grudge my sister holds against me sticks, to this day.
Even now, she tries to coerce me into opening up. And I still can't bring myself to do it.
The next day, she brought out a small box of mementos - including a hair band with two feathers on it, some other assorted pieces of jewelry, and a small, yellowed note. I could barely read the words, but they said something to the effect of, "My son, though we never spoke, I am still proud of you. Remember your heritage."
The note didn't say he loved me, but then, I didn't expect for my father to say anything like that. Tears stung my eyes as I read, and re-read the short note.
Adalia kindly left me to my grief, and waited until my eyes were clear and my breathing steady before returning and calmly telling me how our father had died of cancer just a couple of months prior. They hadn't responded to my letter, because our father had not wanted to tell of her shame, or of his own, at how his death was nearing.
She cried as she told me, and I held her until her tears were spent. She'd cried herself to sleep, and I carried her gently to her bedroom, carefully tucking her in before retiring to my own room. And to my own memories.
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Posted: Thu Nov 15, 2007 11:15 pm
A Look Into the Past: Unsettling Discoveries
I have to be honest. After the first few days where Adalia avoided being in the same room with me, I had mostly forgotten she was there. She'd left a note saying she'd be out until late, and assuming she'd already left, I'd taken a shower. Since it was my home, I didn't think to put my shirt or wrist bands on afterwards, and went walking about in some shorts to get a bite to eat. Unfortunately, Adalia had not left yet - and her keen eyes quickly spotted the very scars I had hoped she'd never see.
At first, she just stared at my wrist outstretched to grab something from the fridge. Then she gasped, as the implication of what that scar might mean hit her full force. I'd just realized she was in the kitchen as she gasped, and straightened up as quickly as I could - turning so that my arms were not exposed to her. With my back turned to her, I'd asked her if she needed something. There was no answer, and thinking she must have fled the room, I slowly turned back around.
But she had not left. Instead, she stood there with a sad look on her face, and before I had finished turning she had rushed me, throwing her arms around me in a deep embrace. I blushed and tried to pry her off of me, but she refused to let go. With eyes that belied her emotions, she stared up at me, silently begging to know what had happened.
I looked away. I was too afraid of what accusations might fly, of the shame I felt at my own actions, to even begin to open up to her. Just the fact that she knew I had attempted suicide scared me - what would she do? Would she hate me? Would she yell at me?
When I refused to answer, her sad eyes shut painfully slow before she, too, managed to look away. As she walked out of the kitchen, she turned and said in a strong, steady voice, "I will find out what happened, Fiach. I will make you open up to me."
As I sank into a chair at the table, my appetite suddenly lost, I knew that living with Adalia would be a constant battle to keep my head above water. I felt wrong keeping so many secrets from her, when she'd shared so much of herself with me. But at the same time, I was afraid that like our mother, she, too, would leave me. That, like our father, she would refuse to speak to me for years. Even if she was a pain in the neck, she was my baby sister, and I couldn't bear the thought of her hating me.
And so I bore my burden alone. I thought it was for the best, but soon found out that Adalia had fallen in with the wrong crowd. Just as I once had. It wasn't as bad - not nearly as bad - but still bad enough to bring back memories I had hoped I could bury.
I was doing her laundry one day, being the neat freak that I am, and a pipe fell out of the pocket. My hands shook as I picked it up and checked for residue. Though I sighed with relief that it was only pot - I had a hard time putting the pipe down and not looking for her stash. Instead, I waited patiently for her to come home. I showed her the pipe, told her I didn't want it in my house. That if she didn't respect that - she could leave. I told her I had no obligations to her, and it wouldn't bother me if I had to kick her out. During my speech, I told her the hazards of one drug leading to another, leading to another...
And after she stormed out and threw everything away, her eyes silently raging at me, I wondered - did I tell her to get rid of it for her protection, or for mine? Was I afraid I might fall back into my old habits if it were to remain in the house? Or was I doing it out of brotherly love, hoping my sister would never fall into the same trap I had fallen into.
After that night, I made it a point to meet every single one of her friends I could convince her to bring home. I met every single boyfriend, and held her after each break up. It killed me inside that I could do nothing for her, but hold her. Each time, she asked if I'd ever felt that way. Swallowing my tears, I'd look away each time. Cementing the wall that had grown between us.
Though she listened to my rules well enough, she soon began to rally against me. If I wanted something perfectly clean - she'd make a mess of it. If I wanted to be left alone - she'd sit not two feet away and stare at me the entire time. Even if she'd had plans for the night, she'd cancel them just to aggravate me.
One day, I caught her reading a journal I'd begun to keep. It was handwritten, with a simple lock. She'd picked it, and had just started to read a page about Aine, when I came in. I must've gone deathly pale, because she quickly hid the book underneath her. But I'd already seen it.
I think I scared her that night. We've spent less time together since then, and although she still harasses me - its almost always when someone else is around. As if she needs someone to protect her from me. It hurts to think she might feel that way.
That night, I screamed at her. I burned the journal, wishing it would just take my blasted memories with it. And I cried. Long and hard. At being a failure of a boyfriend, a friend, a big brother. I felt as though I'd failed at life again. Adalia watched me mourn as I burned that journal and things were never the same between us again.
Sometimes I wonder at night - just how much of it did she read? Did she know I hadn't asked the question I should have? Did she know it was my fault Aine died? My fault that mother abused me - that our parents got divorced? That it was my fault Ailin had left, that I'd tried to commit suicide? Did she know I was a terrible person that didn't deserve to be loved?
Even as I write this entry, the memories come flooding back to me. Making me wonder if I've ever done anything right.
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Posted: Fri Nov 16, 2007 7:44 am
A Look Into the Past: An Uneasy Truce
Much to my disdain, the silent feud with Adalia hit an all time high. I hated the constant battle we were having, but couldn't make myself open up. It didn't really matter what she tried - anger, hatred, crying, begging, cursing - I'd just look away. Unable to stand the sight of her tears, yet unable to let go.
After the shop opened, I began sleeping there more and more. I think I was trying to avoid confrontations with my sister, by piling on as much work as I possibly could. But when Li'tae showed up in her life - I couldn't refuse to let her work with me anymore. While I was happy she had a companion who shared her love of gossip and pestering people, I was still worried about what working with her might bring.
At first, the arrangement seemed to work quite well. I could catch up on the sleep I'd lost to do extra work, and I even got to spend time with Adalia where her sole focus wasn't pestering me. I was happy with how things were working out, and was really happy to spend time with my kid sister. Thinking to catch up on all the things we'd missed out on, since we grew up in different countries. We even went to a fair, where I got her a couple of plushies - the ones she wears to do this day.
But I made the silly mistake one day of confiding in Li'tae that I was afraid to tell Adalia the truth about my past, because I was afraid I would scare her away. He apparently told her, in a gleeful voice, exactly what I had said. Verbatim. But, alas, text does not provide the emotion voice does and my concern and real fears didn't carry through very well. My mistake, I suppose, for confiding in a gossipy hacker.
When I got home that night, Adalia was waiting for me. Arms and legs crossed, and a stormy expression that made me want to run away. As the words started flying from her mouth, I stood in shock at my baby sister's lost temper. Though, in all honesty, I can't say I really blame her - I didn't exactly show good judgment, after all.
Her speech made sense to me, too much sense, in fact. She told me that I should trust her enough to know she wouldn't abandon me. That I should be able to open up to her, because she was family. She said she didn't understand why I was so afraid of letting go, of moving on, of living. Tears poured from her eyes as she yelled at me, and though I saw the truth of it, I still looked away.
At the end of her tirade, I glanced in her direction and saw her silently pleading with me to just open up. To give her a hug. To do anything but simply turn away.
The look in her eyes crushed my heart and soul, and I as I stared into her eyes, I felt my face grow wet. Tears fell freely as I worked my mouth. Trying to say something, anything. Nothing came out as I fell to my knees in shame. Here I was, the strong, older brother. The protector, the shoulder to cry on - and I couldn't do anything to help my little sister be happy.
I was a source of pain. I was her source of misery. I was the problem.
Clutching my head in my hands, I prayed Adalia would just go away. That she would leave me in peace, to have done with my grief, and let it all go. I prayed she'd forget she'd ever asked me, that I'd responded this way.
As her small hand touched my shoulder and she pulled me close, I couldn't help it as I flinched. Momentarily lost in a world of memories and nightmares, I didn't see my sister, but the accusing faces of those I had let down. In horror at how I was behaving, I turned my face away. And all she did was hold me until I had quieted.
When I was done, I felt horrible for doing that. Even though I hadn't said a word, I felt as if Adalia had seen inside of my soul. She didn't say anything to me, just sat there, hands on my shoulders as I tried to gather myself to speak.
I never did say anything to her. I simply stood and walked away. That night I packed my bags and started to stay regularly at the shop. I still own the house she lives in and still sleep there every once in a while. But the shame I feel for having laid that burden, to hold me as I grieved, keeps me away as much as I can.
I can't bear to see her cry again.
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Posted: Fri Nov 16, 2007 10:37 pm
A Look Into the Past: Please, Don't Cry
The day the news arrived, Adalia called in sick. She wouldn't tell me what was going on, just that there was a letter that I needed to read at home. Her voice sounded strained, and thinking something was terribly wrong, I called Sionce to tell him I was leaving. I doubted he'd go to the main store, and so left a note telling everyone I would be back later. I felt bad about leaving in the middle of the day, but no customers had come in, it was boring, and my sister sounded as if she'd needed me.
On the way home, I hoped it hadn't been a ruse, for her to have another opportunity to wreak havoc on my mind. I still hadn't forgotten the look she gave me after I broke down, and it was with great trepidation that I walked into the house. Clutching the letter where she sat on the sofa, Adalia's tear-stained face looked up as I set my bags down.
She didn't move, just raised the letter to where I could snatch it, and looked away. I think she expected me to cry, or to do something, other than simply say, "Oh. Is that all?"
Our mother had been in an accident and had passed away a few days prior. Adalia took the news badly, I think she'd always hoped to go to Ireland for a visit. She hadn't seen mother since she was just a baby,and barely remembered her. I remember being distinctly surprised that it could touch her so profoundly that our mother had died.
She stood and pounded her fists into my chest after I handed her back the letter. She yelled at me for not crying. Thinking I was just keeping it all in again. A wan smile touched my lips as I listened to my sister's tirade.
I could remember the touch of the belt as my mother slapped it against my bare back, for things I didn't recall ever doing. I could remember the beatings, the way my mother left me to my own devices and let me run amok as if I didn't matter. I could picture her tears as she told me I looked like my father, a man I could barely remember. She said I'd grow up to be just like him - into chasing women and liquor. If only she had known then, that her actions were what would drive me to those very actions, I wonder if she would have treated me the same way?
Adalia never heard the tirades mother would scream at me. The way she blamed me for the divorce, and the loss of her daughter. My mother felt it was my fault another man wouldn't marry her.
As I watched my sister cry for our mother's death, I knew I could never tell her the truth. That our mother had been a horrible beast, not the loving, caring mother Adalia thought she had been.
Sighing, I wrapped my arms around my sister and held her tight. I felt awkward, comforting her for the death of a woman I had learned to despise to survive. But I tried. Adalia's arms clutched me in a bear hug as she sobbed, wetting my shirt against my chest, and digging her nails into my back. I winced at the sound of her crying and at the sting of the skin of my back being broken, but tried to not make a noise.
I smoothed her hair back and kissed the top of her head, whispering, nearly begging, "Please, don't cry."
My clumsy attempts at soothing her must have succeeded, in some odd way, as she soon started laughing. With one final squeeze, she turned her head up to stare into my eyes, before blushing. "I was supposed to be the one who comforted you, big brother." And with that, she released herself from my grip and ran to her room.
I stood there, stunned, and stared after her before shrugging and returning to work. When I got home, the letter had been carefully folded and placed on my bedside. I think Adalia meant to leave it as a sign that she would let me grieve in silence, on my own.
I still haven't told her I burned the letter in the flame of a candle atop my desk. I don't think I ever will.
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Posted: Sat Nov 17, 2007 7:23 am
Promises Made and an Influx of Customers
Entrance Roleplay
The day .NET Hackers became a busy, bustling store, my sister decided to test my patience once more. We had a fight before I went to work, and by the end of it, the only way to silence her was to agree to a promise. I'm not one to make a promise I can't keep, but to save my sanity, I did. I don't know if I'll be able to keep it, and that scares me. Every day it worries me, when things become hard for me to deal with, I remember that promise. Ironically, there has been a time or two when that promise was the only thing that held me back. Although, there have also been times when the fact I made that promise flew out the window as I struggled to keep it.
Though I silently added, "I'll try, at least", to it, I don't think that really matters. The promise was to keep my mind open. To ask for help when I needed it, or to open up to someone. Anyone. She said it no longer mattered if I trusted her enough to open up. Just as long as I had someone. I nodded and agreed - those terms being easy enough to follow, since I didn't believe I'd ever find someone I trusted well enough to open up to. But the last part of the promise - to never hold it all in so long I become suicidal again - that has been the hardest.
In an attempt to keep that promise, I began these journals. They help me express myself, without opening up to anyone but myself.
In a bit of an anger, I went to work that day. Frustrated that she had gotten to that point - and frustrated I had made a promise I was afraid I couldn't keep. While waiting for customers, I played my penny whistle. It was something I'd finally begun to play again, it felt refreshing to play something so simple, yet so beautiful.
I had meant for the music to be for me - a release from everything. But a lady walked in, in the middle of a piece. It threw me off, but I guess I had made the appointment myself. I felt foolish, but explained to Miss Violetta how the hackers work. She struck me as very loud and abrasive. A personality I thought would get along well with my sister.
During this meeting, my next appointment strolled in. He looked disheveled at first, but was very polite and calm. I enjoyed meeting with him, and would look forward to another such meeting on less...disheveled terms.
Miss Aya soon joined us to pick up Alorne and Syaoran. She seemed to be calm and patient, being careful not to disturb what I was doing. I appreciated that, though her dusty shoes wreaked havoc upon my clean floor.
They were the first of many hacker owners, some of whom I would like to spend more time getting to know than others. But all of whom I hope treat their hackers well, and continue to be patrons of our shop.
I didn't go home that night, instead opting to remain in the shop. I let Adalia have the day off, worked a double, and didn't sleep well that night at all. Every time I closed my eyes, I recalled the promise I had made and dreaded the day I should keep my end of it and open up to someone else. Something that was unimaginable to me anymore.
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Posted: Tue Nov 20, 2007 7:42 am
Why Me?
One day, Adalia had the "brilliant" idea of her, Sionce, and myself getting together and "hanging out" with the hackers. Though I didn't entirely agree with the idea...I went along with it anyway. What started out as a great idea; however, became one of the weirdest nights ever. Adalia started teasing Sionce, and Trisste told me to help a friend out. Stuck between a rock and a hard place, I yelled at both of them. Apparently, that wasn't the right choice, as the teasing got a little harsher and things started to really get bizarre.
Li'tae seemed to thoroughly enjoy himself as he convinced Trisste to sit and watch the "human soap opera" with him. When Sionce finally passed out after Li'tae suggested he might tell Cee and Violetta that chasing after Sionce was a very good idea. Again thrust into a bad position, I did the only thing I could think of to prevent Adalia from straddling Sionce and ripping off his mask - something I knew he'd never forgive me for. I promptly picked him up, found an empty room, and threw him in there before making a hasty exit and sitting down in front of the door.
Again, apparently the wrong move. The teasing moved from Sionce to myself, as everyone concluded I must have a secret crush on my friend. I started to lose my temper, which probably only aided them in their teasing. After all, they told me to help him, so I did - and then they harass me for it?
Almost as a saving grace, Tsuki showed up to harass Trisste. While I don't normally wish for other people to take the brunt of the teasing...I was truly happy that at that point - he did. Sionce decided this made for a good show, and started to eat some popcorn. I don't see why the man likes soap operas. There's too much drama for me. Watching people suffer through bad relationships is hard for me.
In order to help Trisste, to get some dirt on Sionce, Li'tae went over the top and pretended that he liked Trisste more than Tsuki did. A notion that caused Trisste to pass out - and Li'tae to later attempt to prove his "manhood" by flirting with the first female hacker that floated by. This provided even more amusement for Adalia and Sionce, but continued to make me feel awkward. Even when Sionce offered me ice cream, I didn't really want it. The fact that they'd asked me about my past had had me slightly bothered, and I was wary of them asking me anything else.
I think...how depressed I behaved while I was with them that night, playing mournful music, refusing to really partake in the fun...is part of why Adalia doesn't seem to like me very much. She had wanted me to have fun, and had thought that would be a good way for me to do so. But I messed that up, too, by getting myself all wound up over nothing.
I couldn't even have fun hanging out with my friends. Not even for my sister. How lame is that? I really am not a good big brother...
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Posted: Wed Nov 21, 2007 3:25 pm
How Much Do I Really Know?
I...can't help but wonder. Just how much do I truly know about my sister? Every day I feel as if I drift away from her, knowing a little less about what goes on in her mind. Adalia used to be easy to read, I'd come home and know within seconds just what she wanted.
Adalia has always been a pesky little sister, annoying me every day until I tell her all about how it went. But lately she's been leaving me to my own devices, looking at me with sad eyes. I'm starting to wonder - have I finally pushed her away past the point of no return, or has she finally decided to give me room? I worry that...I might push her away forever. Yet at the same time I feel that it might be better for her if she didn't know me. If she always thought I was the dopey over protective older brother she thinks I am now. I wonder if I did right in not telling her the truth about our mother. Or if I was right in keeping the reality a secret from her.
I'm afraid of telling her the truth. I'm afraid of losing her, the only person in our family who ever treated me well. The only person in our family that ever held me while I grieved. I'm afraid I'm not worthy of being her brother. Adalia is so sweet most of the time, though I always act aggravated with her. She truly does care for everyone and everything. Her impulsive acts of kindness are sometimes the only light in a dark tunnel for people.
Every time I see her with the stuffed animals I won her at that fair, it kills me inside. She wears them as if they are badges of honor. Clutches them tight as if its all she has of me. But all I see when I look at them is the failure I am as a brother. I only took her to that fair to make her leave me alone. I...am a selfish, terrible person. I don't understand why she wants to know the truth so bad. I'm not a person worthy of her attention. I'm not...worthy of being called her older brother.
And Sionce...lately he's been dropping hints about himself. There are so many questions I want to ask...so many questions I'm afraid to ask. What if he tells me the truth about his life in France? Will he expect me to share my history from Ireland?
Sionce is essentially the only friend I have...and like Adalia, I don't know how well he'd take the real me. I don't know about his history, and though I want to, I want to know the real Sionce...I'm afraid of him wanting to know mine. So I am content to sit and ask no questions, to have a best friend I know little about.
I would die for Sionce if it ever came down to it, defend him in a fight should I ever need to, but to tell him the truth...I just...can't. I trust Sionce with my life, but not with the truth. How sad is that?
I feel...as if I'm trapped in a cage of my own making. I desperately want out, but I'm afraid to use the key to let myself out. I want Adalia and Sionce to know the truth, to know the real me, but I'm too afraid to say anything. The possible consequences of the truth are too much for me to bear. They are all I have in this world, and I couldn't stand to lose them.
At this rate, I'm not going anywhere but down.
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Posted: Mon Dec 03, 2007 11:42 pm
Interesting Meetings Odd Customers
Suki swings by the shop to pick up her hacker and Fiach is soon met with a rather upset man with a hacker who seemed to be nervous as well. Li'tae joins in the fun, merely aggravating Brad even more.
Enter: Sakura
An oddly excited girl makes her entrance to the shop - nearly scaring Fiach out of his mind with her spastic behaviors.
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Posted: Mon Dec 03, 2007 11:43 pm
Interesting Meetings
It would seem as the shop gains popularity that our stream of customers becomes odder and odder. Though Miss Suki was surprisingly sweet when she came in, she seems to have a very short attention span. Near to the end of our meeting she seemed to be slightly flippant, but I think that was partially because I grew agitated with her very quickly. I was about to offer an apology to her, when she simply got up and skated out. Suki's odd behavior caught me a bit off guard, and threw me off when Mister Brad came in.
I tried to give him a pleasant and friendly greeting, but his harried and bothered look, combined with my agitation at Suki left me feeling slightly hopeless and in his way. I'm not sure, but I think my uncertainty upset him even more, and I really just wanted to cower under my chair. I felt like I was just a small little child under his scrutinizing gaze and that made me feel terribly inept at the job I do. When Li'tae showed up of his own accord, I felt a feeling tantamount to panic. Li'tae can be a real pain in the neck when he wants to, and with Brad in a foul mood...I felt like two trains were about to collide.
Though I'd wished I had some assistance in dealing with Brad...I had rather hoped Trisste would be the one to show up. If any of the hackers did at all. Trisste is more accustomed to handling customers, whereas Li'tae...seems to just enjoy toying with us.
As Li'tae went off on one of his rants to annoy all present, little Nigh made his appearance. I felt genuinely bad for the hacker for what was going on, but was also pleased to know I wasn't the only one afraid of Brad and his temper.
The meeting ended fairly quickly after Nigh's appearance and even now I shudder at how it went. I still can't believe Brad and I are the same height, I felt so tiny next to him!
The next day, my appointment for the hacker "Blind" came in. It was a girl with an...odd fashion sense, and I briefly wished I could duck and cover. It would seem her hacker was aptly named, as her overly bright appearance were quite blinding in their own way. It was just my luck that Sakura seemed to want a Hacker just to have one, and had little to no clue how to even use a jump drive. The meeting was short and quick and I was left blinking in surprise as she quickly waltzed out.
I'm not even sure how half these people discover the store, and I'm starting to think that Adalia should work more often. She handles people so much better than I do.
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Posted: Mon Dec 03, 2007 11:45 pm
The Fight
I...regret not finding out all the details of what happened between Sionce and Adalia. I know that Trisste is disappointed in me for not thinking before reacting, but...she's my sister.
While I may not always show it, especially not to her...I do love her. I'm not worthy of being her brother, and she should never have to handle the burden that is my past, but I will still remain a prominent presence in her life. Taking to the shadows and watching over her if I must, just to make sure that her life goes better than mine has so far.
I just...wish that I could talk to her. Tell her something, to sate her curiosity and ease her anger towards me. I know that I should not have yelled at Sionce, dropped his computer monitor, or said any of the angry words I said, but I couldn't help it. All I knew at the time was that he had injured my sister, whether by design or accident, and the fact that I had been unable to protect her angered me.
When Sionce reacted with such anger to his monitor being broken...I couldn't think of any nice words to say. I was sorry I had broken it, but when he snapped at me...I guess I just snapped. I wish I didn't have the temper that I do, because I'm afraid that someday...I will make a mistake. Grow angry at Adalia or Sionce and do something truly unforgivable. Whether verbally or physically. This realization, among others, was what led me to the ocean that night.
I wanted to think. To reflect on what and who I was, and when Sionce and I ran into each other there...I was afraid. I was afraid I would say something to him that would make him run away, and afraid that if I walked away, I'd never see him again. But Sionce is stronger than I, and it was eventually I that ran. I didn't quite know what I wanted to do, just that I needed to escape. His anger and mine, as well as the realization that I was a failure in more ways then one.
As a brother and as a friend, I was inept and those failures drove me to search for a way out. When I returned to the store, I tried to eat, but wasn't hungry. Nothing sounded good, and in a flurry of thoughts, I had picked up the knife. I don't...think I would have actually done it again. But the thought was on my mind when Sionce came storming into the shop.
When I heard his voice...I was thankful he had stopped me. But when he came storming into my room and saw the knife...I felt like my heart would stop. I prayed he wouldn't see it as I strove to hide it, but when he grabbed my wrist and yelled at me about suicide...I snapped. When he hit me...I felt like I was released from having to hide and happily pummeled him back.
I wish that I hadn't...and I'm glad I managed to stop myself from getting into the fight...but I still regret the few punches I threw. I shouldn't have done that. Not to Sionce. Not to anyone. I promised I'd never go back to that lifestyle, yet there I was, throwing punches at my best friend!
By the end of the night...all I felt was emptiness. Though the bruises from my face fade away, the bruises left on my heart stay strong and vivid.
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