Welcome to Gaia! ::

I suppose I didn't quite realize how long our posts HAD gotten, really... Heheh. <.<

Eeek, sorry. I hate it when you miss a day or two and realize that those are like, THE days you should have been there if any at all.
Haha, that's sweet. Although a bit confusing. Do the girls know you're gay and are just playing with you, or do they actually... I don't know how to complete that sentence. Are they actually trying to flirt with you literally? Yeah, that puts it. And if anything happens with the boy, if he actually tries to talk to you, though, let me know. Sounds like it could be something interesting, or something weird, either way.

Oh, goodness, that's awful! I'm sorry to hear that. And I don't really mind, I just, um... Don't know. I've asked my mother numerous times, and she's told me, and... I always forget. Ugh. I know it had something to do with his spine, though. A tumor on his spine; the same way his father died. Apparently, if male-hereditery holds true, I'm supposed to be GLAD I wasn't born a boy. Psh...
It's kind of strange, actually. My father died when I was barely two, you would have thought that he would've made an impression on me, even at such a young age; and yet, my first memories are compiled of a month or two AFTER he died, when my grandmother took me to a store and bought me a teddy bear (that I still sleep with, fourteen years later), the memory before that being what I've come to the conclusion as being very shortly after he died: I remember, that being a young and careless two-year-old, I wasn't paying attention to anything that was going on, just wondering why a bunch of strangers were in my house and holding an old teddy bear, and then leaving my father's house to go to my grandfather's house across town (where we later moved to), and I would later realize that I left the teddy bear there and completely lost it (we came back later and never found it), leading to my grandmother buying me a new one. The only one before that involves a plastic rug...

I guess I could see how that might make you intensely dislike someone to the point of thinking it hate. I kind of wonder if the same thing has happened to Erich, actually... The orchestra is disturbingly open, I remember they used to have a tradition that they would... Well, spoon after school. Six of them would just lay on their sides on the floor, back to front, back to front. (I remember the conductor coming out at one point and asking sarcastically if she needed to send them to sexual harassment seminar.) My sister and another girl in orchestra, a girl who was their friend from choir, two other boys from the orchestra, and Erich. With one of the boys, it was a different story; he was one of few guys who had openly admitted to being bi-curious in the past, and he was/is dating one of those girls, anyway, so it wasn't that big a deal. And it wasn't just sandwhiching, either, boy, girl, boy, girl. At one point, one of the boys was on the outside, and I was standing by watching, with Erich. The boy one the outside invited me to join in, and I was a bit disturbed, so I said no, and he then told Erich to join. This happened to be the straight boy, and, well, let's just say... He's a total looker. He's kind of a player, but a player who respects girls. Just the kind of guy that people are naturally attracted to. Erich said no, and made an excuse to leave.
It seems there were quite a few signs with him, actually. The night he spent the night with my sister, my mom said that if my grandfather asked, we would tell him that he was gay so that Grandpa would think he's no threat. We told Erich the next day, and he said excitedly, "I got to be gay at Genie's house!" He acted like it was sarcasm. I don't know... Perhaps that was just a little tell. And then, I remember, my friends and I used to go to Barns and Noble a lot. Like, a LOT. Once with my sister and Erich. And so often, a Starbucks worker there recognized my friends and I. We were talking with him, and he told us that he saw us come in with a really hot guy once, and wanted to know if he was gay. When I told Erich what had happened the next day, he got this scared look on his face, and said, "No... I'm not." Liar... And the straight friend who he had refused to cuddle with sat there, laughing so hard at that. I feel bad for Erich...
Nowadays, he openly flirts with the boys - still sarcastically, since they're all just friends, but they know. Today he wouldn't quit tickling his friend (the possibly bi one), but then eventually called a truce and just put his arms around him from behind and held him... Then started tickling him. By the end of it, the two of them ran suspiciously into the violin room, turned off the light, and closed the door. It locks from the outside, so... There was no possible interruptions. They came out (oops pun) a few seconds later, though. Cute rouse, though, everyone immediately became confused and disturbed.

It's really good that you and that boy managed to patch things up, though. I know I'll never be able to do that with the guy whose landlord I'm about to become... He hates me, and I have no idea why. Oh, yes I do. Because I'm "Genie's sister." That was the start of it. I asked him why he hated me, and he actually said, "Because you're related to Genie. But you aren't Genie. And Genie's cool. And you're not." Um, yeah. He called me Genie's Sister, just to smirk at watching me get pissed off, so often that I just started crying once. Ugh, it was just he got so much pleasure out of seeing me upset. I'm my own person! I'm not someone's possessive! ...Yeah. A little mini-rant there. So, did he get thrown off when you said you were gay? I just mean, do you still talk to him, is he homophobic or uncomfortable, or what?

Yeah, that's true. Different things to different people. And now I'm a bit disappointed in myself, I'd made it my duty to get on my friend's boyfriend's case every time that he did something 'gentlemanly' that she didn't want him to do, shouting, "DEMEANING GENDER ROLES!" at him. I remember the pastor of my friend's church watching me shout that at him and laughing at me. Oh, and the pastor is ******** awesome. I have video of him on YouTube raving, and he wears this awesome rainbow cross, although he's married. My friend is Episcapalion (eek my bad spelling); apparently they accept gay marriage, and there's family that goes to her church. She saw a truck in the parking lot with a decal that said "Family" surrounded by rainbow. Still, I feel bad at all to be annoyed by children. They're children! How can you not love children? I'm a bad person, hehe.

And that's true, responsibility isn't always a burden. I just... I don't know. I really, really don't want to get married. My sister is turning eighteen soon, and getting her first tattoo, a small bass clef on her wrist, and when my mom was originally trying to convince her not to do it, she said, "Do you really want that showing on your wedding day?" Genie replied that she wasn't planning on getting married. She said, "Then do you want that showing when you go to your sister's wedding?" Who says I want to get married...
Sadly, it's all my mother wants. And because of so many factors, I feel kind of like something that was programmed for her, for her pleasure and only for her, like my life is supposed to be lived for her. I don't know what I want to do, I haven't decided if I'm going to college or not, so she's picked me out a suitable job that I can do if I want to skip college. She talks about how I'll get married one day, and how she wants grandchildren and is expecting them from me. Then she gets upset because I don't show interest in boys around her. I mean, excuse me if I think it's awkward to act like a crazed girl about boys in front of my mother... I feel really bad, that's what she's expecting, and I don't want my future to be something so predictable and boring, and every time she says something about it I just want to scream. Once I did. She was drunk and talking about how I'll understand something we had been talking about once I have my own children, and as I was walking away, I just shouted really loudly, I'M NOT. She asked what I was talking about, and I said nothing and ran upstairs. I said recently that I wasn't having children, and she got quite offended by it.

Haha, yeah, you can say that. I just don't want to take it any further. There are so many people who I have fallen in love with in an un-romantic, non-intimate way, my friends and my family and my stand partners and all sorts of people who I would just be so killed if they were taken away from me; I just couldn't have stopped myself from having friends that I love, you know! I'm just hoping that I'll be able to prevent anything more dangerous.

But, you know, perhaps you are right. I mean, I don't think that it is a waste of time. I got my best friend and her current boyfriend together, I help her celebrate her anniversaries, 'cause she's kind of, well, forgetful, and I think that two people being together is simply cute, and it makes me so happy to see two people in love. Oh, my, that's right; it's October. One of my friends is celebrating a year with a boy this year. But back on track, I'm more realistic about it. I really hope that it will never happen to me, because I'm the kind of person who will just sit back and watch; that's all I'll ever be, and that's all I want to be. I don't want to get involved or do something that complicated. I realized, watching my friend and her boyfriend, that I'd be a HORRIBLE girlfriend. She gets playfully mad at him when he buys her movie ticket for her, and threatens to pay him back later; if I told a guy I didn't want him to buy my movie ticket, and he did anyway, I'd get literally mad, and probably sit on the other side of the theatre, pissed. They both say sorry too much, and when one says sorry, the other will say, Oh, why, you don't need to be, or, It's not your fault, and the other will say, I know, but I'm still sorry, and it will go ON AND ON like that in circles. I could see myself in a relationship, where if I said sorry to someone, and they told me I didn't need to be, I could see getting offended and upset because I can't help being sympathetic, because I take things way too literally and think things through way too much. Tracey and her boyfriend just play little games like that, but I'd actually be offended and stuff. Argh... I don't know. Like I said, I'm realistic. I don't plan on ever falling in love, I don't think I'm capable of love beyond friendship and family and people who I'm close to but not intimate with, and I don't think that I'm capable of being loved in a way that isn't friendly, but if it happens, I'm not going to be, like, totally surprised or upset or something. If it happens, it happens; I just don't see it.


Yeah... Grandpa is really confusing. He said something about 'not having any queers' around his house the other day while he was taking my friend and I home from school, and I kept turning around slowly and looking at my friend with a knowing expression, turning back forward, and doing it again. Grandpa asked what we were looking at each other for, and said that he hadn't had any gays around his house - unless it was me. I asked, What about Erich, because my whole family apparently knows about it. He didn't know what I was talking about.
Ah... About the "old-enough" part, I think I'm just looking for excuses to not have to choose yet. I don't know... I just, well, don't.

Haha, yeah, he still has fun with us, though. I've never felt so harassed by a gay man before. While we were in orchestra, he kept making disturbing gestures with his tongue at me and two other girls... And a boy. And then after school, he wanted to play my violin, and I told him, "Go get it, and you can play with it." He gave me a seductive look and proceeded to make disturbing expressions and gestures again. Cod, I love him, he's so fun.

So what's with the Wizard of Oz parody thing, huh? o_o


And in random every day happenings of my normal life, yesterday was my first consert, and playing the theme from Halo has people I barely know commenting my playing, and today, us sophomores got our first transcripts. I was freaking out all day; I'm SO pissed off. There are 772 people in my class, and I rank as number 79. I'm in the top 10.23%; just two people away from the top 10%!

you know what?
once you graduate high school you can become ANYTHING you want, once you move away for college not only are people more accepting of differences but people are more likely to approach you, and you are more likely to be respected for real things
eg: personality, sexuality, eccentricities.
instead of who has sex with who and who's prettiest.

the very MOMENT you walk across that stage and nab your diploma, no one around you is going to care about that one weirdo in the locker room that no one liked.
and no one is going to care about David.
and none of those silly rumors about who had herpes and who's gay and who wears thongs will matter, and it shouldn't matter.
it shouldn't matter now either. but it does for some weird reason.

when you're applying for a job, and for a college, etc, they're not going to ask what people thought of you in high school.
hell they're not even going to care that you took PE except that it helped you graduate.

high school is the worst place to find respect and friends. no one in that locker room has a clue as to what you are about, and if they're not willing to let you show them, then they're not worth your time. this is just a TINY part of your whole life, it shouldn't define who you are or what other people think of you.
I know it's tough because you're in there right now, but just remember that isn't what it's all about.

my freshman year everyone in my algebra class hated me. and i was none to graceful at accepting it. people would always ask me stupid questions and found ANYTHING i did or said to criticize me about. i hated that class and i'd go to the bathroom every day and they made fun of me because i was out for 10 minutes or more, but i wasn't actually in the bathroom, i was just ******** around in other peoples classrooms having a good time.
one day i was in the bathroom and i accidentally dropped the pass in the sink when i was washing my hands. and they all thought i had dropped it in the toilet and humiliated me.
oh that class was totally lame, but i found ways through it, even though it meant i never talked to anyone. everyone in that class is still an a*****e to me, but at least i'm not a druggy and at least i have friends and i'm not a b***h to everyone else, at least i pass my classes and spend my time doing better things than making fun of other people.
instead i spend my time thinking of ways to one up them, to make them jealous.
working harder, getting better scores or provoking them in just the right way so that they retort, and everyone else goes against them.
or just thinking of clever things to say to them when they make a smart a** comment to me.
*shrugs* i have fun when people dont' like me
i know this was long... sorry.