The Joke Thread!

[Reeves]

A Higgs Boson particle walks into a church during a service. The preacher, noticing the particle, angrily stops mid-homily and points at it.

"Get out of this church!" he commands. "We don't allow Higgs Boson particles in here. You call yourselves the 'God particle,' and that is sacrilegious in the eyes of our Lord."

The Higgs Boson particle, confused, replies, "But, Father, if you don't allow Higgs Boson particles in here, how do you have mass?"  

[Nu Lucrezia]

A man walks into a fast food restaurant and is greeted at the counter by a lovely young lady. He takes a look at the menu and it reads:

"Hot dogs $3.50

Cheeseburgers $4

Handjobs $10"

Curious, he asks: "Are you the one who gives handjobs?"

"Yes"

"Well, wash your hands then, love, I want a hot dog"  

[Nu Lucrezia]

I'm Steven Hawkins and Windows 7 runs my ideads  

[Reeves]

A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," the woman wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the woman continued, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious my condition is. This prescription has a limited number of pills and is marked 'NO REFILLS.' "  

[Reeves]

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, “Can you all see me now?”

“Yes.”

“Oui.”

“Sí.”

“Ja.”  

[Reeves]

A woman arrives at a party and scans the place before spotting an attractive man standing alone. She approaches him, smiles, and says, "Hello. My name is Carmen."

"That is a beautiful name," replies the man. "Is it a family name?"

"No, as a matter of fact, it's not," says the woman. "I actually gave the name to myself because it represents the things I love the most: Cars and men. Therefore, I chose the name 'Carmen.' What's your name?"

The man answers, "B.J. Titsengolf."  

[Reeves]

A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a tepee, and then I'm a wigwam. Then I'm a tepee, and then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy! What's wrong with me?"

The psychiatrist replies, "It's very simple: You're two tents."  

[Reeves]

Two very drunk men are sitting at a bar when one of them pukes all over his own shirt. "Damn!" he slurs. "I puked on my shirt again! If my wife finds out, she's gonna kill me!"

"Don't worry!" replies the other drunk man, and he hands his friend a twenty dollar bill. "Just say someone puked on your shirt and gave you money to pay for the dry cleaning."

"Great idea!" says the first drunk man, and the two of them celebrate with even more drinks.

The man who puked on his own shirt heads home and tells his wife the made-up story about how someone puked on him. Then he hands over the money.

"Wait a minute," his wife says. "This isn't twenty dollars. This is forty dollars!"

"Oh, yeah!" the man remembers. "Someone s**t in my pants, too!"  

[Reeves]

A man comes home from work one day and hears strange noises coming from upstairs. He runs to his room to find his wife naked in bed, panting and sweating all over.

"Honey," he cries out, "what's the matter?"

"Oh!" gasps his wife. "I think I'm having a heart attack!"

Horrified, the man races downstairs to call an ambulance. While he's dialing 911, his four-year-old son comes down the stairs and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted is hiding in your closet, and he's got no clothes on!"

Furious, the man slams down the phone and marches right back upstairs to his room. He swings open the door to the closet and sure enough, there's Uncle Ted, naked and shivering in the corner.

"How dare you," snarls the man. "My wife is having a heart attack, and you're running around the house naked, scaring my son?"  

[Reeves]

Three newlywed men were sitting together at a bar, talking about their new wives and the duties they had been given. One man said, "I married an American woman, and I told her she had to wash the dishes and do the housework for me. Well, it took a couple days, but by the third day I came home and sure enough, the house was clean and the dishes were washed."

"That's nothing!" the second man scoffed. "I married a Canadian woman, and I told her she had to do all the cleaning, dishes, and cooking. The first day she didn't do it, the second day she did some of it, and the third day the house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a hot meal on the table."

The third man quietly sipped his beer before mumbling, "I married an Irish woman. I told her she had to clean the house, wash the dishes, do laundry and ironing twice a week, mow the lawns, clean the windows, and put hot food on the table for every meal."

"And how did that go?" asked the two other men.

"Well," replied the third man, "the first day, I didn't see anything. The second day, I didn't see anything, either.

"But by the third day, most of the swelling had gone down and I could see a little out of my left eye, just enough so I could fix myself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a handyman."  

[Reeves]

A young college co-ed came running in tears to her father. She cried out, "Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!"

"I did? What did I tell you?" asked the dad.

"You told me to put my money in that big bank," the co-ed replied, "and now that big bank is in trouble."

"What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the state," her father said. "There must be some mistake."

"I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds.'"  

[Reeves]

An older man walks into a bar wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat, and a phony beard. He sits down at the bar and orders a drink. As the bartender sets it down, he asks, "Going to a party?"

"Yeah, a costume party," the man answers, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."

"But you look like Abe Lincoln," protests the bartender.

"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."  

[Reeves]

What did Earth say to the other planets in its solar system?
"Wow. You guys have no life."  

[Reeves]

Annnnnnnnd I think we're set for the rest of the year.  

[Reeves]

What did the lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire after they had sex?
"See you next month!"