Welcome to Gaia! ::

I have rarely felt as lost and hopeless as I do right now. What I want seems pretty ephemeral, so much so that I am not sure if I want most of it, so it is hard to find my way there. I am pushing myself as much as I can, but I fear that I'll push myself somewhere worse at times. And often the people that push me hardest to do certain things, they are miserable too... I don't want what they have, but it seems their way is often the only way to survive. I can only ask what puts meaning in my life. What things would I like to increase?

One foot in front of the other...

I'd like to be with a certain someone... it proves that I have at least started to put Mimiko behind me that I can genuinely fall for someone like this... But I have no idea how to get to her and she is more messed up than I am... Maybe that's part of why I am so into her as it is a kindred failure at life sort of thing, heh.

I'd like a comfortable life free of pain and fear.

But those are not meaning, ja? Those are longings.

A few moments in RPGs where I lost control of the game and my players went into awesome-mode.
A few moment building legos.
When I excel at building a model or prop replica.

But are those meanings? I am confused.

When I think of the things that turn me around from going down the suicide route, it's always loved ones. I know the people that care about me would hurt more if I was gone than I am feeling now.

You can't use that graphic link on my tank. For some odd reason it gets mixed up with some other users tank as you can see. It says that my tank is empty even though it's not. I have a direct link in my post so we'll have to do with that one.



emotion_hug Some times to live and love is a big leap into the unknown, but you can always prepare your self in some ways before jumping. I hope from all my heart that you'll find the joy in your life. emotion_hug

Exxos my friend, responding to your first post...funny as it may seem...you are stronger then I. You still strive for things that you may see unattainable to you...but you still push for them. In that regard...I've given up; now I just live. For the pursuit of that girl, and this is going to seem cliche but there are tons of other lasses that will fit the bill for you...it just takes patience in encountering them. My family has given up on me, yours still pushes you, in their twisted directions maybe...but still. Yeah...that could be a bad thing; that type of thing usually makes a manic depressant out of a person...I don't have any advice for that. Still, you choose to find your own path and keep going...that's always a good thing! Your constructive, hands-on skills could definitely lead to something positive...you just have to find it.

Do you have any Blue Dolphin-Turtles? Those are my favorite! cat_3nodding

Direct link you mean? I have no idea how to do that...Sammirah did them for me. Well if you don't have a tank...I give a few fish to start...the [lite] versions are pretty cheap and sometimes you can get them in the dailies.

Left you a little note of, hopefully goodwill, below your reply to Lily's comment.

Give me the direct link to your tank and I'll put together the code for Humble to put in the first post of our thread. 3nodding