Officer Hot-Pants

Officer Hot-Pants's avatar

Last Login: 10/26/2013 9:40 am

Registered: 11/22/2005

Gender: Male

Location: Florida

Birthday: 08/01/1987

Things Touching My Body (All~ over)

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Not Another Avi Comic!


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"Let your anger be as a Mon'Keigh in a dreadnaught; hiding in his Sarcophagus, hoping the 'nids don't break through with their acid".
-Farseer Tang, Craftworld Radio Shack-

Gaming Masterpiece Theatre


Look at me when I'm ranting at you, damnit!!!

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(wow... I have not updated this since I got my trading pass back in 2005)

Hey Gaia: how about fixing the site so we can at least use a freaking apostrophe. It is something of a staple of the english language after all.


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Angie moo's "13 Days of FG-4-PG Christmas" guild-song.

Angie moo's "13 Days of FG-4-PG Christmas" guild-song.

on the 14th day of christmas my FG4PG gave to me...

Darkvampress16 --- 14 Grunnies
Titties the Clown --- 13 kiki's (wouldn't that be nice>
x_Senichi_x --- Twelve bowls of ramen
connie_rc --- elev3n LI ChI chicken
lilpandagal --- Ten upsidedown santas cooking,
doublelifegirl357 --- Nine Winter Roses blooming,
Catherine Bronte --- Eight Doorknobs dancing,
Sephira the Fallen --- Seven dolphins glowing,
Knitterz --- A really bad case of herpes ? Six Gift Ninjas gifting,
Goddess Ace --- Five ban hammers!
Psyphion --- Four Kiki Kitties biting,
bluegrass cat --- Three n00bs double-posting,
Officer Hot-Pants --- Two Rock Puppies,
Angie moo --- and Sakura stuck in a treeeeeee!

stickfanatic's christmas carol

here it is!

(sung to the tune of jingle bells)

Dashing through the threads,
with collectibles in my hand,
Buyers will have my head,
Items in demand!

Bells in barton ring,
making gaians smile
Lets donate everything,
And make it worth their while!
Jingle Bells, Jingle bells, ringing everyday!
All the people on the thread
all just wanna say, hey!
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, jingle all the way!
oh what fun it is to be on gaiaonline today!

The strangest children's song ever...

The strangest children's song ever...
from "MichiokoXIII"
"The Cat Came Back"

Old Mr. Johnson had problems of his own.
He had a yellow cat that just wouldn't leave him alone.
He tried and he tried to give the cat away.
He gave it to a little man going far away...
But the cat came back the very next day.
Yes, the cat came back. They thought he was gone,
But the cat came back. He just wouldn't stay away.
He gave it to a little boy with a dollar note.
He told the boy to take the cat up river on a boat.
The boat turned over and was never found,
And now they drag the river for the little boy who drowned...
But the cat came back the very next day.
Yes, the cat came back. They thought he was gone,
But the cat came back. He just wouldn't stay away.
The man around the corner said he'd shoot the cat on sight.
He loaded up his shotgun full of nails and dynamite.
He waited... and he waited... 'till the cat came walking round
And ninety-nine pieces of the man was all they found...
But the cat came back the very next day.
Yes, the cat came back. They thought he was gone,
But the cat came back. He just wouldn't stay away.
The H-bomb fell the very next day.
The A-bomb fell in the very same way.
Russia went! England went! And then the USA.
The entire human race was left without a chance to pray...
But the cat came back the very next day.
Yes, the cat came back. They thought he was gone,
But the cat came back. He just wouldn't stay away.

Talk Like a Pirate Day contest, September 20th, 2012

Entry 01
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Username: Officer Hot-Pants
Piratey Name: Captain Hair-Beard

Cap'n Hair-Beard be the scourge of all the 8 seas! Now, I know what ye be about to say. Ye be gonna say "But nameless narrator-guy, everyone knows there are only 7 seas", and ye'd be right; there only be 7... NOW. That's right! Captain Hair-Beard, a pirate of facial-hair so fearsome that none what's seen it has lived to tell what color it be, stole the 4th sea right out from under everyone's nose! Even stole all the maps what named it. Now he has his own sea at his beck n' call.

"But narrator-of-no-name" ye be wonderin' next, "what does that have to do with this contest"? Why, everything! Don't ye see? He's already stolen it! Even as we speak, he be burying it on some lonely beach of a random, deserted isle in his private 4th sea... ... ... or perhaps he be stuffin' it inta' the back of his closet, I don't know. Point is, it already be his.

Wait a- what do you bilge-rats be doin' on our ship? LADS! GET A BARREL OVER HERE! cat_pirate

Entry 02
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Username: Officer Hot-Pants
Piratey Name: Old Star-kini

A sea-soul hears a lot of things about a lot things, but sometimes... Well, have ye ever heard the story of "Old Star-kini"?

Years ago--and don't ask how many, because I don't be knowin'--there was a young lad---or maybe not so young; doesn't matter--what lived in a little shack down by the Bay of Fission Chips. Now this lad of indeterminate age was... we'll call 'im the "town eccentric". Type to walk backwards to make sure his shadow weren't followin' too close for comfort, he was.

One day, the lad be skippin' scones--yes, scones--across the bay waters. As one of 'is scones be jumpin' cross the waves, a mer-lass stuck her head up out of the water. POW! Conked 'er RIGHT between the eyes. The lad rushed out to save 'is scone, but he couldn't find it nowhere and so settled on saving the mer-lass instead.

Now, maybe ye not be so knowledgable about the people of the depths, but I'm sure ye can imagine how well they handle being brought up on land and set in a bed. Contrary to popular belief, they don't grow legs when they dry out. Really, the only thing they grow is a right nasty temper. So when I say she was steamin' to find herself up on the dirt and dryer than a teetotaller's wine cellar, I don't imagine you need my help formin' a mental image. But this mermaid, ho~... she was a wiley one!

"Noble stranger" she said all sweet-like once she'd calmed down a bit, "bring me back to the waters of the bay, and I'll gladly reward you with a rare treasure". Now, the lad thought that was a mite strange; hadn't he just rescued her form drowing? Again, he was weird like that. "Well" he thought, "if she wants to drown, that's her business". So he brings her back to the water, and she pops up a moment later with some starfish in her hands. Tells 'im they're magic starfish, and that the man whom wears them need never fear his fellow men. Tells 'im that wearing these, a pirate could steal all the world's treasure, and nobody would so much as bat an eyelash.

Maybe the lass was only half-fibbin', or maybe she was tellin' the God's honest truth in her own way, but her gift did exactly what she said it would; to this day, noone dares come within 10ft. of Old Star-kini. When he wants something, he just goes right ahead an takes it, and that's probably what he'll do when he gets wind of this contest of yours. Would YOU want to be the one to try to stop 'im?

Just, uh... just don't be askin' how he keeps the poor creatures on without any straps or anything. I like to pretend I don't have an idea, and I aim to keep it that way! cat_ninja

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Attempts to define what's better left unexplored

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The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Sixth Level of Hell - The City of Dis!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level | Score
Purgatory | Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo | Very Low
Level 2 | High
Level 3 | High
Level 4 | High
Level 5 | High
Level 6 - The City of Dis | Extreme
Level 7 | High
Level 8 - The Malebolge | Moderate
Level 9 - Cocytus | High

Level descriptions:
Take the test:

From the files of Gaialand Security


You have just entered another world. A world not of rationality and sensibilty, but of sporks, ramen, and a horribly twisted mind. This is a world of pants-on-head stupidity, of willful and flagrant abuse of basic human decency. This world is the inner domain of... Officer Hot-Pants! *doo doo DOO doo, doo doo DOO doo~*

If you don't RP with me, this won't mean much of anything to you.

Name: Officer
Name: Garry
Sex: Male
Sex: Male
Physical Attributes: 5'10". 220lbs. Light-brown eyes. Long, braided, brown hair and 5" goatee. That is to say, my goatee is also braided.
Physical Attributes: Doesn't apply.
Personality: naive, trusting, nice.
Personality: grouchy (because of Officer), quick to anger (also because of Officer), snarky (that one's all him).
Quirks/Abilities: Horrible short-term memory-retention. An irrationeal fear of buttons, which occasionally leads to dramatic (potentially explosive) results, though only rarely.
Quirks/Abilities: Able to project his voice into the physical world, but otherwise unable to interact with it. Occasionally able to exert limited control over Officer's body when he's unconscious/catatonic/etc.

Officer Hot-Pants was always a little off (with a name like that, go figure), but after he was "introduced" to Garry, serving as his (unwilling) "prison mind", he sorta slipped off the deep end. His prior problem with short-term memory retention is now very much exacerbated by Garry's presence in his mind, which taxes some of his other mental faculties, as well. What's more, he's developed a traumatic, violent fear of buttons, and reacts with devastating, chaos magic if his fear reaches the breaking point or if he's surprised by them. It's a purely instinctual response, however; He cannot call upon it at will, and is just as likely to run or physically attack them, instead. The magic is actually Garry's, and it infuriates the spirit to no end that Officer can use it, while he no longer can.

Garry is a being not of this world. His people lead lives tied far looser to their physical forms than many. As such, possession of another being is within their ability, but they are not powerful enough to truly flit about from body to body as they wish. To enter a body (or more accurately, a mind), they first have to establish a bond with it strong enough to hold themselves within that mind. This makes it almost equally as taxing to leave said mind when they wish to. Garry, having been falsely accused to attacking his liege-lord, suffered a form of banishment in which one of his kind is forced out of their own body or whatever mind they may be inhabiting and rooted so firmly into a "prison mind", a being who's very mind is to serve as a detention facility, that escape is almost impossible without aid. After being rooted into this Prison Mind, convicts are then expelled to whatever random world is closest. At times, Garry can exert minor forms of control over OHP's body, but mostly only when he's asleep.

I get questions about OHP and Garry fairly often in other places, so I finally just made this little post to explain it. Figured I might as well post it here, too since this is my profile.

I found a treasure!

Xenosaga Episode 3 - Hepatica #3

Words My Friends Say

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Rydia-Beck Report | 03/09/2017 2:57 pm
Checking in on old guildies! hope ur doing well!! and OMFG i opened a ton of tabs of all mah old guildies profiles to drop a comment... i had your's last.. and could not find who the eff was repeating 'daddy would u like some sausage.. daddy would u like some sausages...' i didnt want to undo my tabs and lose my place.. so i listened to that.. on loop.. like 15 fricken minutes!! I lost brain cells man!! xd xd burning_eyes burning_eyes
HisNekoNeko Report | 02/24/2016 4:56 pm
I miss you comment buddy!
kefkadragon Report | 10/26/2013 11:38 am
She's basically a blond Tifa with slightly more clothing.
kefkadragon Report | 10/25/2013 7:41 pm
So mirage thinks arcades is cloud city? emotion_facepalm if she weren't a fist fighting woman i would lose almost all respect for her with that.
kefkadragon Report | 10/20/2013 2:31 pm
mirage do something stupid? How out of character.
DeadIy DarkstaIker Report | 10/19/2013 2:42 pm
DeadIy DarkstaIker
Thank you whee Happy Halloween!
kefkadragon Report | 10/18/2013 6:27 am
Well that's a buzzkill.
Ash Duke Report | 10/15/2013 4:36 pm
Ash Duke
What's up? How are you? mrgreen
I don't know
kefkadragon Report | 10/14/2013 3:35 pm
It's a good enough game that'd I'd at least try to beat again. I definitely want to see albel ( xenosaga keeps making me want to call him albedo) react to the 4d beings.
kefkadragon Report | 10/13/2013 6:01 am
I've probably messed up the affection values a bunch anyway since I gave my arena team the name albel likes without having him on my team. Plus I used one of the tears items on someone.

THE original dream avi.

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People who, for reasons I'll never understand, put up with me

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OHP's super-sexy threads for interesting people

Briney Concentration Camp

Your aquarium is undergoing maintenance!

Charitable Souls

-seshi_luver 200g

-Olivia Benson 350g

-Ketake 2,500g heart mrgreen heart

-Otome-Sensei 500g *gift ninja*

-GCD Elf 131 Masque

-Chishio Tenma 10,000, Dark Ice eek

-Princess Kraehee Grace of Anteros

-I hunny bunny I Black Wolf, CoCo Kitty exclaim User Image

-humble_gypsy_traveller Alrunette, Cloak of the Dead, Damascus Armor, Preda-Armor emotion_kirakira

-LANxMIxPUNK Galactic Soldier emotion_jawdrop


Etherious Of The Night on 06/26/2020

Quotes from the site.

Shaman man
Stop ignoring me before I attempt to pretend to attempt to do something drastic!

"Cruel irony, thou art truly a sadistic b***h."

if you fly on tuesdays, asian monkeys might eat your gym shorts and throw them back into your sister's bowl of cereal. if this happens, you MUST not draw faces onto your spoons and introduce them to your socks. if you do, you might get punched in the neck for riding a bike inside

*wanders in, wearing rainbow suspenders and large top hat, stroking his huge false moustache* Well, ain't this just a shocking turn of events! Sorry I couldn't have been here to bar ye from departing from this humdinger of a community, but dernit I'm just too slow, it seems. Verily, your desicion to leave us for a spell has brought much strife (with or without gonads) to our little team. HOWEVAH! I realize that your reasons for shuffling off for bigger and better things are valid, and with the re-assurance that you will grace us with your presence anytime soon, I can do naught but wave you from the docks of Isle de Gambino.

*the walls of the world begin to shake, and we suddendly find ourselves standing upon the Isle, as the whole of FG-4-PG, the Gift Ninjas, and the cast of Batman bid you a solemn fairwell. Your ship, constructed by the Professor from palm leaves and coconuts and manned by Happy Funtime Bob-Omb crew, is christened by the Toast King himself, and thus you set sail across the delicious carbonated sea that is the Internet*

Godspeed, Shankbucket! May the Big Pink Pixie in the sky guide you through your edumacation, and light your way back to our humble abode when all is said and done.

*Mobys 'Porcelain' begins playing in the background, as the setting sun on the horizon suddendly turns into the shining head of Adam West. And as the very foundations of reality continue to crumble around us, only these words are spoken by the new apparation* "Can ya dig it?!

(Long live Fast Gold 4 Poor Gaians, my one, true Gaian home!)

everytime you heard kyongane said RAWR, tifa went pregnant

Sex on T.V. won't hurt you........... well unless you fall off.

fallacy angel
Merry Obligatory-See-Your-Retarded-Family-mas"

Officer Hot-Pants
Oh, sure; you COULD go cure cancer, but could you really live your life knowing you missed out on discussions of furry yiffing, cheese graters vs. air-guitars in a battle to the death, and the existential implications of the yoyo? Personally, I don't want to even THINK about such a life."

(What? I was proud of that!)


this conversion takes place in the sewers between me and a crew mate while we were hunting Gramsters for goo. I know this is kind of long, but I think it's funny. Oh and if you get the "WE EVEN DO THE WEIRD STUFF" reference you are made of awesome.

ChibiAngel86: No gooey stuff yet
ChibiAngel86: sad
sakoyo: same here
ChibiAngel86: GIVE ME YOUR GOOEY STUFF!!!!!!
sakoyo: that's what she said ^__^
ChibiAngel86: GIVE ME YOUR GOO!!!!!!
ChibiAngel86: I want their goo, but they wont give it to me. sad
sakoyo: where's a blender when you need one
ChibiAngel86: Grummy, give me your goo.
ChibiAngel86: I will do "favors" for goo.
sakoyo: O_o
ChibiAngel86: Oh Grummies. I will get you all wet.
*uses heavy water balloon*
sakoyo: lol
ChibiAngel86: Do you like that Grummies?
ChibiAngel86: You know you do.
sakoyo: didn't quite die in your arms but close enough
ChibiAngel86: lulz
ChibiAngel86: GRUMMIES!!!!!!! <3
ChibiAngel86: My heart burns for you!
*uses hotfoot*
ChibiAngel86: As well as my pants
ChibiAngel86: XD
sakoyo: lol
ChibiAngel86: I'm so hot.
ChibiAngel86: *starts to strip*
ChibiAngel86: Come on. You know you wanna goo me up.
sakoyo: lol you are so crazy
ChibiAngel86: At least I'm trying something. razz
ChibiAngel86: Look at my weapon. It's all long and hard for Grummies.
sakoyo: ^__^
ChibiAngel86: *"pokes" them with her sword*
ChibiAngel86: I love you!
ChibiAngel86: Give me your goo!
sakoyo: they sure got tons of endurance
ChibiAngel86: *rapes a Grummy*
ChibiAngel86: *rape* *rape* *rape* *rape* *rape* *rape* *rape* *rape* *rape* *rape* *rape*
sakoyo: ><
sakoyo: now they've done it
ChibiAngel86: *rape* *rape* *rape* *rape* *rape*
ChibiAngel86: You know you like it.
*uses heavy water balloon again*
ChibiAngel86: I made you all wet.
ChibiAngel86: >:O
ChibiAngel86: Why wont they give us their goo? *cries*
ChibiAngel86: Are we not pretty enough?
ChibiAngel86: *sob*
ChibiAngel86: *sits in corner and cries*
sakoyo: ::pats head::
ChibiAngel86: GIVE ME YOUR GOO!!!!!
*killes some*
ChibiAngel86: I got nothing again.
ChibiAngel86: *whimpers*
*Grummies bites us*
ChibiAngel86: They hit on us an yet we still get nothing
sakoyo: we put in all this work and still nothing
ChibiAngel86: I think this is a one sided relationship
sakoyo: agrees
sakoyo: how do you think that makes us feel that we can't get your goo
ChibiAngel86: We get all dressed up for you too.
sakoyo: lol
ChibiAngel86: *CRIES*
sakoyo: right, all those toys we used
ChibiAngel86: I still feel dirty.
ChibiAngel86: *washes*
ChibiAngel86: Never clean. Never clean.
ChibiAngel86: *sob*
ChibiAngel86: Why do you make us hit you?
ChibiAngel86: You know what we want. Why don't you just give it to us?
ChibiAngel86: It's your own fault you know.
ChibiAngel86: You MAKE me hurt you.
ChibiAngel86: Do you think I like hurting you? Do you?
ChibiAngel86: I don't. (Okay maybe a little.)
sakoyo: only a little?
ChibiAngel86: Shhhhhhhhhhhh
sakoyo: ^__^
ChibiAngel86: Come on baby. I'm sorry okay?
*hits a Grummy and gets to goo*
ChibiAngel86: You made me hurt you again.
ChibiAngel86: I try to be nice and you bite me.
ChibiAngel86: *sob*
ChibiAngel86: *tries to kill herself*
ChibiAngel86: X.x
sakoyo: ::runs off to collect her stuff::

Rogue Spector
In the bathtub of history the truth is harder to hold than the soap,
and much more difficult to find...

I mean, here in M&R we have kind of a schizophrenia on the subject. We either have 'My faith tells me homos r bad' or we have Eteponge.

Blitz Sky
In a way, staring into a computer screen is like staring into an eclipse.....
....It's brilliant and you don't realize the damage until its too late.” o.o

Everyone is different. No two people are not on fire.

Phoenix Scarlett
Never argue with an idiot. They'll drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

Love-Struck Llama
If there is anything more important than my ego I want it hunt down and shot.

low calorie
Even though I haven't seen you in years
Yours is a funeral I'd fly to from anywhere."

Think about it, whales, gigantic air breathing creatures with brains similar in complexity to ours. If they got together and started creating some type of community, a civilization of whales so to say; they could just as easily adapt to land and water. Gigantic ******** whales! They'd have laserbeams strapped to their fins; and they'd crush stuff and eat our krill >:O

Secret Penguin Man
There's the papercraft forum, for making s**t out of paper.

So it's not all porn

Wrong, sir.

You can make boobs out of origami.

It takes a good sense of imagination to sit and read Harry Potter, While all it takes to read Twilight is raging hormones and a pubescent nature of a 15 year old..

Wizards 4 Sparkling fairies..Oh I mean.." Vampires"..

Not As Irish As I Pretend
Air Guitar Solo!
Rin-di-diddly, din-di-diddly, din-di-diddly, din-di-diddly, din-di-diddly, din-di-diddly, din-di-diddly, diddly-diddly!

Ideals are like the stars: we never reach them, but like the mariners of the sea, we chart our course by them

8% of Gaians have '92% vs. 8%' quotes in their sigs. Put this in your sig if you are one of the 92% that thinks they're idiots.

I remembered what I thought I forgot...and there it goes again...

Phobos Star
All I've ever wanted... is to have a good time. And to annoy Batman, whenever possible, of course. And to one day murder Batman and defile his carcass sexually. And a pony.

Officer Hot-Pants
DysFUNKtional Duck
Officer Hot-Pants
DysFUNKtional Duck
Officer Hot-Pants
DysFUNKtional Duck
Officer Hot-Pants
DysFUNKtional Duck
I'd say my lily white Irish a** but but that works too xP
and I don't but i iwsh i could walk outside for a while w/ out sunscreen >.<
but me? tan? XD it would look so weird.
and @dragon - I'm sexy and I know it.
Yessah. >.< Porcelain skin is old school beauty. And there's no school like the old school. XD *high fives*
Well, there's traffic school.
That's nothing like the old school. : P
Enh, it's filled with old people. That counts.
Does not. = P
Oh, doesn't it? You've got your:
-preps (suits)
-thrill-seekers (oid men in board-shorts)
-freaks and geeks (the ones that understand the internet)
-rich kids (online poker)
-jocks (joggers)
-ROTC (vets)
and of course
-the cool crowd (garden club (often crosses over with rich kids)).
ha That was fun. xd
Doesn't change anything, though. : P

>.> You win this round. For Now.
Your word: steadfast

I Ceymore Ratz

User Image - Blocked by "Display Image" Settings. Click to show.The Golden years are here at last.
I cannot see, I cannot pee.
I cannot chew, I cannot screw.
My memory shrinks, my hearing stinks.
No sense of smell, I look like hell.
The Golden years have come at last.
The Golden years can kiss my a**.

battosai matt
You need to be logical about this.There are 15 doors, 4 monsters ,3 plains of existence ,and 1 castle. The sum of these numbers is 23. The number 23 is a movie starring Jim Carrey and has an 8% rateing on rotten The most popular brand of tomato ketchup is Heinz 57. 57 divided by 23 is approximately 2 and a half. 2 and a half men is sitcom staring Charlie Sheen. So therefore I am right.

Looks like a problem only a tranny gigolo sea nurse can solve!

Officer Hot-Pants
Oh, sure; phonesex SOUNDS great n' all. Everyone's doing it, right? Safest form of sex their is, yeah? Then next thing you know, you're lying on your stomach at the hospital with a power cord sticking out of your a**. And you can make the story as elaborate as you like, but the doctor's never going to believe that someone left it sticking up between the couch cushions and you simply sat down pants-less.

I claimed I was trying out the new toilet paper app on my phone: the iPood.

Homework is evil anyway. Take it as a sign. What class was it for?

Advanced algebra.
I hate math.
= n =

Math is for weird people.

Mhm. I hate it.
But I'm hatching a master plan.
I'monna go up to my teacher and be like, HEY!
And he'll be all like, "dayum, kid's got guts."
And promote me to CEO of Microsoft or some s**t.

Solid plan.
Although, you might wanna leave out the ******** your wife part.
If you say it with enough volition, he might even offer to let you ******** his wife. cool

T'was fun ranting, but I oughta go do my algebra homework now.
saxxon the red dragoon
The Demon of Soul Flame
Infinite Possibility
The Mad Mayor

King me up, Scotty!!!

What'cha guys doin-








Maybe the Wabbajack is the Book of Knowledge. Maybe I'm smarter because I know cats can be bats can be rats can be hats can be gnats can be thats can be thises. And that doors can be boars can be snores can be floors can be roars can be spores can be yours can be mine. I must be smart, for the interconnective system is very clear to me. Then why, or wherefore do people keep calling me mad?

Wabbajack. Wabbajack. Wabbajack.

Oh, smeg...

... What the hell am I doing here???