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Varos, remaining devoutly objective has earned me the title of cold and at times sinister. Sometimes I'm seen as vicious opportunist, others a hateful know it all. But if there is one thing I've learned, its that the things that are best kept guarded are always lost the soonest. I have no idea how you hurt him, but I do know that it wasn't out of vindictive spite, that isn't in your character, mine yes, yours no.

If this is the boy I think it is, then chances are you have probably scared him away for good. But even so, all is rarely ever lost.

Just remember that you are young and ambitious. You make mistakes, you hurt people, it is human nature and you are human because you feel badly about it. You want things you sometimes cannot have, so what? So you hurt someone that you care for, I do that all the time, and I apologize no matter how serious or irrelevant the offence. If he doesn't accept it, then move on. Feel your guilt now and relieve yourself of it later, like all matters in life we move on.

I remember your fears, and so now one of them has come true. How should one deal with fear? By overcoming it, pushing forward and accepting the consequences. Or, accept the action and change the outcome. There is little sense in devoting energy to angst when it could be set to putting things right. Wallow, Leavaros, in that sorrow you feel. It is a healthy thing to feel sadness and regret, it is what makes us human, imperfectly perfect, we destroy and rebuild. In time, perhaps, you will be given the chance to rebuild your friendship.

Ah, Hell, such a wonderful place. Heaven, pah, were I to live in eternity I would rather spend it in hardship than in total bliss. Enjoy these days Leavaros, these days when losing friends is neither as important as most of the things we do. But learn from the mistakes. As I said before, have your fun, hunt your men, chase them and wound them. You must experience bad things before you can realize that you should with hold yourself from doing them. Take comfort in knowing there will be a day when you will make the right decisions because you had taken the time to make the wrong ones.

the Lion

Does he know the regret and guilt and hurt you're feeling? If not, let him know. Tell him everything, confess yourself totally and utterly to him, even if it hurts you. And it will. It always does...
but... somehow i find that is the only way.

Inersha Blue/ Cassie

And so it comes about to discover that we are very much alike. As i said in a message earlier, it is my part in life to lead friends and family past anger, bitterness, sorrow and depression, and lead them to live for today and forgive tommorow, and yet, i can never heal myself, only them, and offer what advice, comfort and actions i can to keep them safe from the cruelty of a harsh world.
When i come crashing down, they follow, their clear path falling away beneath them. I must be strong for them.

Wow, is every conversation of yours poetry Leavros. I just read the last couple posts to see what this was. I just have to say everyone has an ogre of themself that they try to hide. No one is pure and innocent, no matter what you would like to believe. I have learned that only too well.

I could use some coffee. My linear algebra exam is tomorrow at 8am and I'm KILLING TIME HERE IN THE CAFE!!!!!!! crying crying crying crying

No matter what happens, the sun will rise again tomorrow, the world will keep turning, and life will move on. Always keep your problems in perspective, Leav.

This may sound harsh, but the truth is that you're being selfish. You want everyone to understand you and you want people to like you and even love you. The way to anyone's heart--friend or lover, is to make that person feel special when they're around you. People don't like you because you like them--they like you because they enjoy your company. If you tried to make your friends feel at home and comfortable rather than intimate, you would get alot further. However, you want that intimacy so much that you're willing to disregard their feelings of comfort in hope of finding it. In short, relax and make friends. If you're good at getting people to like you, you'll eventually find someone among your friends that you *really* click with on a personality level, and not just someone who looks good and acts nice on a physical/casual level. It took me years of dealing with people to understand this, and I hope you don't waste the time I did with crushing failures born from misplaced affections.

But I digress. It seems like heaven decrees the things we want most must be without our reach, hm? The key then, is to stop wanting things--happiness via contentment. But then, what kind of life is that?

It's just a quandary either way, hm? sweatdrop

I feel so crappy. How can I still be this way, even after so long of telling myself to open up? Telling myself to reach out and grab what I want, rather than just hope for it? Why is it that when I am within reach of what I've wanted for quite a bit of time, I freeze up and can't think? How am I still this shy? This much of a loser? How can I be this way and still be alive?

There is this guy I keep seeing on the bus. I've seen him on the bus for about two, going on three years now. He is so cute, I can't even begin to explain. And I'm not talking "some stupid high school kid cute", either; I'm talking "mid- to late twenties, tall and thin, but not lanky, looks like a mix between Skeet Ulrich, Milo Ventemiglia, and Zachary Quinto, holy effing hell he's a hottie." And from the moment I seen him, a couple years back, I've had this just massively enormous crush on him. Or at least I assume its a crush, because I don't even know his name, or like anything about him.

That’s a lie. I do know some things about him. I know he's got these gorgeous orange-brown eyes, and I've overheard him talking about liking Robot Chicken. I know he's taller than I am, and that his hands are probably about twice the size of mine – that’s just from random observation. I know he lives within walking distance of my house, and which stop he gets on and off at, but not which house he lives in, because that would be creepy. I know I've had not just one, but two chances to talk to this guy, and both times I've frozen up.

So can anyone out there tell me why? Why I am so shy, so terrified of talking to him, even though I know the worst that can happen is him saying he's not interested? I mean, seriously? I've been through that before; I know its no big deal... I know I'll never know unless I try, and I know I've been through far worse in a relationship than being told "no" right off the bat... Example? Jade. Don't even get me started.
There is no plausible explanation as to why my heart beats three times faster, I can't tear my eyes away from him, but I can't get my mind to work, my words won't come out, and I feel like I'm falling a million miles away from my body.

Last night he was sitting literally less than ten feet away from me, almost within arms reach of me. He was right there, and all I could do was look at him. I wanted to say something, hell, my mind was screaming and yelling things, but my voice wouldn't comply, I couldn't say anything. My throat went dry, even. And I wasn't so much staring at him, but my eyes kept darting to him, and then away, to and then away... And there is no way he doesn't know I've been looking, watching him, because he caught me last night. He looked right into my eyes - orange-brown met ice blue for almost ten seconds, and I wanted to just hit myself for not smiling, or saying hi, or something! I had the chance, again, and I blew it! Someone shoot me?

Argh, I'm just going so crazy right now... I haven't gotten this way in such a long time. I mean, and especially not over someone in real life. If you asked me, I'd probably say there was no one attractive in Barrie, but I would be lying, because I am so attracted to this guy.
All I want right now is just to know his goddamn name! I mean, just knowing his name would make things so much better. Maybe I like him so much because he is such an enigma. If I could just know his name, that might detract from how much I like him. Or maybe it will make it worse. Either way, if I just knew his freaking name, I would feel so much better about having a crush on him.

I wonder who was the last person I got this crazy over? I hope it wasn't Jade, but I guess it doesn't matter anyways. Does anyone have any advice for me? Because I could seriously use some right about now.

Tommy, thanks for getting me off my little tangent, and welcome to the cafe. *pours a mug of the Winter Special*

Let's see...well, first, you aren't a loser at all--I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels like you're well-written, articulate, thoughtful, funny, and kind. What else matters? And I'd remind you, Tommy, that it took me a full year of seeing Will everyday to tell him, and nearly three years to get over him. Thinking about it, I'm still not completely over him.

But you know, there's something I believe: if we like someone, there must be a reason why we like them. To give up on someone, to lose faith in them prematurely, hurts everyone involved. That's why I don't (or try not to) assume things in people--and if I did before, I did just finish Pride and Prejudice. I'm glad, at least, that I'm not prejudiced.

And you know what? In time, I did talk to Will. I told him, and Robert (LM) before him. And Thomas after him. In time, I even told Matt, my first gay crush (excluding the Key), that I liked him. Hell, I even told David that I liked him in the locker room. Girl, if I could do that, I'm sure you can muster up the strength to tell your crush that you like him--or at least ask his name. You really do have a lot going on for you.
~~~~~
In fact, a few days ago in PE class, I walked by this kid that my little brother's girlfriend introduced me to. His name is Eric, but I call him "Abercrombie Boy" because he modeled for them a while back. As I walked past him, I said, "I like your hair". He thanked me, I'm sure feeling awkward, but I was on my way to Kayla.

She stared at me, and asked me how I could do that.

I replied, "It's not that hard." And I realized, it wasn't, really. No one gets hurt, just a benign comment--a compliment, really. If it's weird, whatever--that's the wonderful, awkward, bubbly feeling I feel, sometimes heady and strong as perfume, if the other person understands, and is willing to put the weirdness aside. Later, I said, "I have no trouble telling the guys I like that I like them," just as we were passing a group of guys. She laughed, and they asked me if I liked Eric. I only smiled.

Then today, I end up in the wrong PE class (whoops), and end up talking to a friend of mine, Ashley. About Eric. Apparently, they dated a while back for three months, broke up, and stayed friends. I devised a devilish plan, executed perfectly. We got *just* within earshot, and started talking about how cute he was--primarily about the hair and the butt. We argued a bit on the legs--I thought they looked like girl-legs, but she liked them--but mutually agreed that he had pretty blue eyes and a too-cocky smile. (And we gossiped on that, too! *wink*) Our goal, however--to get him to blush--was not being reached. She looked at me, and asked if she could tell him that I liked him. I said "Sure, why not?" and she proceeded to call him over. He wasn't coming, and said something like 'I'm playing now, I'll be there in a second.' But I wasn't--the hunt for the boy blush was on, and I was going to get my prize.

"Eric, come here." I said, with inflection on the first syllable. He looked at me, and walked towards me guardedly, as if against his will (or more likely, his better judgment). He said, 'Yeah?' Before Ashley could open her mouth to say a word, I smirked, and lost all the flamboyance from my voice and gained the quiet, affirmative humor that my close friends know I have, and said, "She wants to tell you that I like you." I'm sure Ashley was surprised, but she recovered quickly and said, 'He likes you'.

Another girl who was there laughed, and he almost blushed--I was pretty sure that would do it. I shrugged and said, "Don't worry," and added an animal note to my voice, "it's a purely...physical attraction." In that pause I looked him up and down thoughtfully, considering my next move. Like I thought, his blush was very pretty, just a faint pink tinge at the cheeks. The girls thought it was hilarious, and I know Ashley was waiting for someone to put that ever-easy ex-boyfriend of hers off his game. Then, the other girl said that he was bi. I looked at him, not letting my own uneasiness surface, and said, "Is that so?" I ignored his nay-sayings, and said, "Well, it doesn't matter anyway--one thing would lead to another, and we'd end up in a relationship..." I sighed here dramatically, and looked over at Ashley, adding to her in an aside, "Oh, and we could have so much fun, too." I looked over at him at the perfect moment and smiled a little cattishly, causing the girls to laugh, and him to turn to an almost-red color. I know he didn't expect that.

Sometimes it's just a lot of fun to mess with the straight, cocky, abercrombie-modeling, overly-exuberant freshman. I find that the ones with the rarest blushes look best blushing. And really, who did I hurt? I did nothing but compliment him, have fun, flirt, make an entertainment for my female friends, allowed Ashley her little fun at her ex, and made a friend (with the other girl) in the process. I'll just apologize later for overdoing it, and I'm sure he'll be fine, too.
~~~~~
She says she's having trouble talking to her crush, just like you are with yours. I told her what I'm going to tell you: go for it--what do you lose if you do? Nothing but a moment. If you don't, an opportunity, time thinking about it, a potential boy/friend....

Well. You know what I'd do....

Love and Vale,
~Leavaros Dapple/Andrew

P.S. It's almost too easy for me--I really need harder prey....

P.P.S As I suspected, Robert was fine with the letter. He didn't read all of it, so I guess I might be speaking too soon, but...*shrugs* I trust him with my heart. More importantly, my heart trusts him--and I believe it to be well-placed with him. His girlfriend thought it was a little odd, but she understands my eccentricities. I really do like her--I only wish that we were closer, too.

You know, she said the other day, "You know, Robert, he's the only person we have in common. Both of them looked at me expectantly, but I just muttered, "There's always one f** between every straight couple." They laughed. I felt touched by what she had said, but...I didn't comment on it--I think it's enough that she touched me so...oddly.

For now, I'll listen and wait.