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 Posted: Sat Oct 08, 2005 8:05 pm
I saw it coming a long time ago, I knew it was gonna happen, and it was inevitable...but it still shocks me to the core...the family is slowly, but surely drifting apart. And now I'm caught in the middle and I don't know what to do. My moms moving to Lynwood because she can't take my sister yelling at her over cleaning the house and keeping it clean...and she wants to take me with her. My borther might consider moving out, as well, and living with his woman..and he might want to take me with him. And it appears like its coming closer and closer to reality as they yell and argue in a language I cannot understand, and thus, theres nothing I can do. I don't know what they're saying, therefore, I cannot try to mend the problem at hand. I just hate all of this...just when I thought the family was calming and starting to settle, my sister drops this on me. Now I can't decide what I want to do next. I want to mve out of this town...but at the same time, I don't want to see my family dissolve even further than it already has. It's just all so confusing. Nowhere to turn, no one to turn to, and no way in making a clear cut choice. Do I move out with my mom, move out with my brother, or move out on my own? *sigh* This is gonna be one of those months...
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Posted: Wed Oct 19, 2005 7:57 pm
I am really, really, really aggravated right now. And I'm trying to decide where to start with this vent, because my pissed-offness isn't just a sudden, momentary thing, but something that's been building up gradually over the past few weeks because of a lack of sleep and a shitload of jackasses. I just happened to have access to a computer at an ideal time, or unideal time deciding on how you look at it. Anyways, I basically have no free time. No, let me restate that: I have free time, but whenever I try to use it in a way ideal to me (ie: watching TV, which is something I rarely to never get to do, but enjoy doing on occasion, or reading books that are separate from my school work), my mom starts asking, "did you do this and this and this and this?" and just doesn't shut up until I finally forsake whatever possibility of enjoying the moment I might have had for another moment to slave away at things I don't even want to do. So then, today there was a movie on TV that I sorta wanted to watch. Luckily for me, my dad was watching it at the same time, and so, when my mom started telling to get things done, blahblablah, I figured that was fine, because I could still get it done and watch the movie because my dad was watching it. You will notice my sleep-deprivedness in this following section. Of course, as soon as I got my stuff ready and took it to the TV room, my dad decided that the movie would distract me, so changed it to some Baseball game. This bothered me, because I really wanted to see the movie. Plus, baseball is of no interest to me, unless Joe Crede is one of the guys playing because he's kinda hot. < rolleyes But, it wasn't a White Sox vs anyone game, so there was no Joe Crede. I was sorta pissed about that, so I kept on glaring at the TV, for whatever reason hoping that someone would pick up on my Psychic "Change-the-chanel-so-I-can-watch-the-damn-movie" vibes. Then, my dad decided that the TV was distracting me, so turned it off entirely. This made me even more annoyed, so I just continued glaring at the TV. What bothered me especially, though, is that, among most of the people I know, they could just say that they wanted to watch a particular show, and their parents would let them. But, if I were to make such a request, my mom would just say something to the likes of, "Well if you were responsible enough to get your work done early, then maybe you could. But I don't see why you want to watch anything anyways." Well, she might not phrase it like that, but that would be the implication.
Anyways, then my mom started asking me if I had done this and that and blah blah blah, and I hadn't because I knew it was stupid and pointless to do such a thing, and I had tried explaining to her why it was that it was stupid and pointless, and she didn't listen to me. Which is really aggravating on another level too, because she always complains that no one ever listens to her. Anyways, so I went off to do this, still annoyed that I couldn't watch my show. Perhaps this would be something stupid to vent about anyways, but this was more like the straw that broke the camel's back.
As unofficial policy in my head, I tend not to complain about the things that really bother me, not just mildly irk me. Why? Simple. Because every single time I have tried to d that I have been told one of two things: (1)"I don't want to hear about it", and (2) "Well it's your own fault." Okay, folks, well, first off, if you don't want to even here about someone's problems, then why in hell were you put in charge of the ******** pre-school? Does some sicko want half te world's kids to grow up about to explode with pent-up anger? Second off, if you are so (stupid, unempathetic, stupid, stupid, or stupid) not to realize that, when I'm complaining about something to someone, it is not in hopes of being told whose fault it is, then I'm a hell of a lot better off just not saying anything. I don't care if it is my own ******** fault. I realize whose fault it is. Stop being a crackpot and comfort me before you shove logic down my throat.
So anyways, I generally resort to violence. Punching things. Throwing things onto the ground as hard as I can. However, since, if I did this in a way that would allow anyone to notice it, something I enjoy doing would be taken away so that I could recieve anger management counsuling. I do not need anger management counseling. I need to be able to talk about things without being blamed for them. No matter how stupid they are. I need to be given my own ******** choice on how to direct my own ******** life. I need people to stop saying they don't mind if I do anything, and then manipulate things so that they basically blackmail me into doing them, and I need people to stop telling me I'm playing nasty mind games when I complain about having to do these things, or tell things the way I see them!
So then I get really, really angry. And then I start crying hysterically. I don;t know why. And then I start thinking about how I'm getting worse on clarinet, and I don't know why, how I can't concentrate on anything, and I don't know why, how I keep on forgetting little things and being yelled at for them because people seem to think I'm incapable of feeling bad on my own. The thing is, if someone would just hug me, and tell me that there are things that aren't my fault, someone who hasn;t already shown themselves to be completely opposed to my happiness, completely driven to make me feel bad, or do actions that result in such, I would probably be fine. I would probably stop bordering on throwing up every time someone starts yelling at me, probably remember things again, probaby get more done, faster, happier. But no one does.
No, that's not true. At least, not completely. There is one person, whom I barely know in truth, who has been doing a lot of little things to help me when he can. Not things I would immediately expect him to do even, but things that, when I think about it, only he could have done.
But it's hardly enough. The way I am, I'm a selfish, flawed person. I barely notice things unless they're from the person I want to see them from. And I barely notice these little nice things in contrast to being yelled at, being forced to graduate early and fill out college applications on the year that otherwise could have been the best year ever in my life, that could have been followed by an even better one. But it won't be that way. I don't make friends easily. It will probably take a while before I ever get another possibility like this. And that makes me sad.
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Posted: Wed Oct 19, 2005 8:15 pm
chikushou I am really, really, really aggravated right now. And I'm trying to decide where to start with this vent, because my pissed-offness isn't just a sudden, momentary thing, but something that's been building up gradually over the past few weeks because of a lack of sleep and a shitload of jackasses. I just happened to have access to a computer at an ideal time, or unideal time deciding on how you look at it. Anyways, I basically have no free time. No, let me restate that: I have free time, but whenever I try to use it in a way ideal to me (ie: watching TV, which is something I rarely to never get to do, but enjoy doing on occasion, or reading books that are separate from my school work), my mom starts asking, "did you do this and this and this and this?" and just doesn't shut up until I finally forsake whatever possibility of enjoying the moment I might have had for another moment to slave away at things I don't even want to do. So then, today there was a movie on TV that I sorta wanted to watch. Luckily for me, my dad was watching it at the same time, and so, when my mom started telling to get things done, blahblablah, I figured that was fine, because I could still get it done and watch the movie because my dad was watching it. You will notice my sleep-deprivedness in this following section. Of course, as soon as I got my stuff ready and took it to the TV room, my dad decided that the movie would distract me, so changed it to some Baseball game. This bothered me, because I really wanted to see the movie. Plus, baseball is of no interest to me, unless Joe Crede is one of the guys playing because he's kinda hot. < rolleyes But, it wasn't a White Sox vs anyone game, so there was no Joe Crede. I was sorta pissed about that, so I kept on glaring at the TV, for whatever reason hoping that someone would pick up on my Psychic "Change-the-chanel-so-I-can-watch-the-damn-movie" vibes. Then, my dad decided that the TV was distracting me, so turned it off entirely. This made me even more annoyed, so I just continued glaring at the TV. What bothered me especially, though, is that, among most of the people I know, they could just say that they wanted to watch a particular show, and their parents would let them. But, if I were to make such a request, my mom would just say something to the likes of, "Well if you were responsible enough to get your work done early, then maybe you could. But I don't see why you want to watch anything anyways." Well, she might not phrase it like that, but that would be the implication.
Anyways, then my mom started asking me if I had done this and that and blah blah blah, and I hadn't because I knew it was stupid and pointless to do such a thing, and I had tried explaining to her why it was that it was stupid and pointless, and she didn't listen to me. Which is really aggravating on another level too, because she always complains that no one ever listens to her. Anyways, so I went off to do this, still annoyed that I couldn't watch my show. Perhaps this would be something stupid to vent about anyways, but this was more like the straw that broke the camel's back.
As unofficial policy in my head, I tend not to complain about the things that really bother me, not just mildly irk me. Why? Simple. Because every single time I have tried to d that I have been told one of two things: (1)"I don't want to hear about it", and (2) "Well it's your own fault." Okay, folks, well, first off, if you don't want to even here about someone's problems, then why in hell were you put in charge of the ******** pre-school? Does some sicko want half te world's kids to grow up about to explode with pent-up anger? Second off, if you are so (stupid, unempathetic, stupid, stupid, or stupid) not to realize that, when I'm complaining about something to someone, it is not in hopes of being told whose fault it is, then I'm a hell of a lot better off just not saying anything. I don't care if it is my own ******** fault. I realize whose fault it is. Stop being a crackpot and comfort me before you shove logic down my throat.
So anyways, I generally resort to violence. Punching things. Throwing things onto the ground as hard as I can. However, since, if I did this in a way that would allow anyone to notice it, something I enjoy doing would be taken away so that I could recieve anger management counsuling. I do not need anger management counseling. I need to be able to talk about things without being blamed for them. No matter how stupid they are. I need to be given my own ******** choice on how to direct my own ******** life. I need people to stop saying they don't mind if I do anything, and then manipulate things so that they basically blackmail me into doing them, and I need people to stop telling me I'm playing nasty mind games when I complain about having to do these things, or tell things the way I see them!
So then I get really, really angry. And then I start crying hysterically. I don;t know why. And then I start thinking about how I'm getting worse on clarinet, and I don't know why, how I can't concentrate on anything, and I don't know why, how I keep on forgetting little things and being yelled at for them because people seem to think I'm incapable of feeling bad on my own. The thing is, if someone would just hug me, and tell me that there are things that aren't my fault, someone who hasn;t already shown themselves to be completely opposed to my happiness, completely driven to make me feel bad, or do actions that result in such, I would probably be fine. I would probably stop bordering on throwing up every time someone starts yelling at me, probably remember things again, probaby get more done, faster, happier. But no one does.
No, that's not true. At least, not completely. There is one person, whom I barely know in truth, who has been doing a lot of little things to help me when he can. Not things I would immediately expect him to do even, but things that, when I think about it, only he could have done.
But it's hardly enough. The way I am, I'm a selfish, flawed person. I barely notice things unless they're from the person I want to see them from. And I barely notice these little nice things in contrast to being yelled at, being forced to graduate early and fill out college applications on the year that otherwise could have been the best year ever in my life, that could have been followed by an even better one. But it won't be that way. I don't make friends easily. It will probably take a while before I ever get another possibility like this. And that makes me sad.*hugs* I know how you feel. My family is somewhat like that. Well, not my family, more like my sister, the resident loser of the household. The one thing I want more than anything in this world is to not end up like her in any way, shape or form. I do not drink, I do not smoke, and I don't like most rap or hiphop for anything. I am the polar opposite of her, and I want it to stay that way.
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Posted: Sat Nov 05, 2005 11:45 am
hi guys. been busy a while...
the past three weeks I have been rehearsing for a play after school, from 3:45 to 5:00 and trying my hardest.
There was one girl who knew all her lines in the play, but she was rejected because she never really tried to help others or bother to stay for practice.
She was given another chance after some guy continuously begged the director to take her back. The director did, and the entire last few days of rehearsals, she was outside necking with her bf, the guy who wanted her back in the play.
The show was last night, and we went on stage. I was the lead role, and I was on stage the entire time. When it came for her to say her entire scene with another castmember, she either didnt speak loud enough, or didnt say her lines at all.
IT CUT OUT 10 MINUETS OF THE GODDAMNED PLAY!! The play was ******** after that, and I strove to keep calm and remember my lines. Luckily, another castmember picked up for her and we finished the play. But it sucked so much a**.
It pisses me off that the guy begged to get her back in the play, only to get a reason to get her to stay after school with him. He is 18, btw, and she is 14. I think Ill get him arressted. Maybe it will make me feel better.
I hate him, I want to kick his a**, and especially her a**. SHE WAS GIVEN ANOTHER CHANCE AND SHE THREW IT IN OUR FACES!! GOD IT PISSES ME OFF!!
I need something, or someone to help me ease the stress of the play....
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Posted: Fri Nov 11, 2005 8:05 am
...
._.
The manager of the apartment might kick us out of the apartment soon. I don't know what we're gonna do. Maybe move to a new place or something, if the manager isn't bullshittin' us this time. Maybe we'll move a few feet, or maybe we'll move far, but I'll I know is that I won't be here for a little while if it does happen. God, this sucks, and all because some people hopped over the fence, because they couldn't call because the manager has a gate and no call box in the front. Oh well, manager never liked us much, anyways. But still...
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Posted: Sat Nov 12, 2005 7:23 pm
So he automatically assumes it's your family who jumped the fence and is going to throw you out over it?
Wow. That is bullshit to the core.
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Posted: Sat Nov 12, 2005 10:58 pm
Koiyuki ... ._. The manager of the apartment might kick us out of the apartment soon. I don't know what we're gonna do. Maybe move to a new place or something, if the manager isn't bullshittin' us this time. Maybe we'll move a few feet, or maybe we'll move far, but I'll I know is that I won't be here for a little while if it does happen. God, this sucks, and all because some people hopped over the fence, because they couldn't call because the manager has a gate and no call box in the front. Oh well, manager never liked us much, anyways. But still... The best thing to do is find a temporary place to stay until you find a place that you really want to move to. I know that it is hard to feel cornered, but a landlord has the obligation to give you a month's notice before they kick you out. It is illegal by law to just throw a family out on the street unless they are actively trying to blow up the apartment or the like. So, the best thing to do is to get ready for the change. I know how it feels somewhat. I used to rent a room from this one crazy guy who would accuse me of "talking on the phone about him" or would scream at me if I tried to cook when he was cooking. He expected me to be invisible, to park in a special place, and scolded me if I didn't , even though the whole street was available for parking, and he got mad at me for talking to his daughter. He hated Marcus (was really afraid of him), and eventually tried to kick me out immediately. I found a place in about a week, packed up all my s**t, called my friends (a lot of guys), and we all moved the stuff out of my room. I left him a rent check for the first two weeks (as long as I had stayed) and I left. I didn't even pay for the rest of the month because he was such an a*****e. I like the place I live in now. My housemate is really cool, and she's really kind and nice. So, I think that sometimes, if life is getting yucky somewhere because of a landlord or a housemate, that's the time to clear out of Dodge. Sometimes, once you do it, you will feel a whole lot better, and the stress really just dissipates.
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Posted: Sat Nov 12, 2005 11:14 pm
Shoryuken I hate him, I want to kick his a**, and especially her a**. SHE WAS GIVEN ANOTHER CHANCE AND SHE THREW IT IN OUR FACES!! GOD IT PISSES ME OFF!! I need something, or someone to help me ease the stress of the play.... Yeah, I've dealt with plays before. They're usually rife with premadonnas and assholes who want their gfs on the stage because they want to make out during rehearsal. May I ask what play you did? I am sure that YOU did well! And seriously, in the end, that's what makes the difference. Everyone knows who the idiot is. And it's most definately not you.
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Posted: Sun Nov 13, 2005 3:51 am
Oni-Angel Koiyuki ... ._. The manager of the apartment might kick us out of the apartment soon. I don't know what we're gonna do. Maybe move to a new place or something, if the manager isn't bullshittin' us this time. Maybe we'll move a few feet, or maybe we'll move far, but I'll I know is that I won't be here for a little while if it does happen. God, this sucks, and all because some people hopped over the fence, because they couldn't call because the manager has a gate and no call box in the front. Oh well, manager never liked us much, anyways. But still... The best thing to do is find a temporary place to stay until you find a place that you really want to move to. I know that it is hard to feel cornered, but a landlord has the obligation to give you a month's notice before they kick you out. It is illegal by law to just throw a family out on the street unless they are actively trying to blow up the apartment or the like. So, the best thing to do is to get ready for the change. I know how it feels somewhat. I used to rent a room from this one crazy guy who would accuse me of "talking on the phone about him" or would scream at me if I tried to cook when he was cooking. He expected me to be invisible, to park in a special place, and scolded me if I didn't , even though the whole street was available for parking, and he got mad at me for talking to his daughter. He hated Marcus (was really afraid of him), and eventually tried to kick me out immediately. I found a place in about a week, packed up all my s**t, called my friends (a lot of guys), and we all moved the stuff out of my room. I left him a rent check for the first two weeks (as long as I had stayed) and I left. I didn't even pay for the rest of the month because he was such an a*****e. I like the place I live in now. My housemate is really cool, and she's really kind and nice. So, I think that sometimes, if life is getting yucky somewhere because of a landlord or a housemate, that's the time to clear out of Dodge. Sometimes, once you do it, you will feel a whole lot better, and the stress really just dissipates. *hugs* Thanks, Oni. I think can stay with my friend next door fo a little while, and I'm pretty sure my family has frneds they can all stay with, too. Hopefully the month'll give us time to think about what I'ma do next, and where were gonna go. And thats gottas suck, being under an a*****e like that. *hugs* I just hope the manager is full of hot air again... ._.
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Posted: Mon Nov 14, 2005 6:06 am
OKAY!
I'm going to do it. I'm leaving my parents' house!.
I fly down to Missouri on Friday, and I'm not coming back. Not to live anyways. I just can't stand living with my mother anymore. We're at each other's throats all the time now, and it just isn't a healthy relationship anymore.
If I have to stay here much longer, I'm pretty sure one of us is going to kill the other. i.e. Me killing her.
ERGH! How can one person be so ******** self-centered ALL THE ******** TIME!! And she's so frikkin lazy too. God, I hope I never end up like that. And she calls ME lazy! At least I have a job. I mean, ********, I work, and I'm finishing highschool! AT THE SAME TIME!!! I also do most of the stuff around the house.
Did any of you know that I have a paper that I've been trying ot finish for the past two weeks. But I cant. Why? Because every time I come home from work, and every morning before I go to work, MY MOTHER is on MY computer which is the only one in the house right now that has the right programs for the graphs and everything that I need. She has her OWN computer to screw around on in her room...and yes, its portable too...we BOTH have laptops, the only difference is: I bought my own, dad gave her hers.
I'm so ******** pissed right now I can't even see straight. Thank god for spellchack
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Posted: Mon Nov 14, 2005 6:14 am
Koiyuki ... ._. The manager of the apartment might kick us out of the apartment soon. I don't know what we're gonna do. Maybe move to a new place or something, if the manager isn't bullshittin' us this time. Maybe we'll move a few feet, or maybe we'll move far, but I'll I know is that I won't be here for a little while if it does happen. God, this sucks, and all because some people hopped over the fence, because they couldn't call because the manager has a gate and no call box in the front. Oh well, manager never liked us much, anyways. But still... Woah.. Well, if they lived there anyways, I dont' wee what the big deal is abnout them jumping it. Especially if he doesn't have the call box...I thought those were required in apartment buildings that have gates. Regardless, he shouldn't make the assumption that it was your family that did it. I say he handled the situation all wrong. For that he is an a*****e. Should have put up a camera or something...that way, if it were to happen again, he could actually catch the culprit, and not put an innocent family out of house and home... 3nodding
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Posted: Thu Nov 17, 2005 6:27 am
I_Hate_Her So I found my TV on Adult Swim last night, and the horribly over rated, raved about, InuYasha comes on. So I decide to see what the hell it is all these little fangirls/fanboys talk about all the time. Could this show really be the s**t?The answer is no. No it really isn't the s**t, and neither is any other Anime I've ever seen. Well you are entitled to your opinion, and you can think what you want, but I'd recommend expanding your horizons to the outer limits of televised anime before saying that all animes suck. I_Hate_Her Most of them just have a few characters who want to have sex, and yes they implement that really well and constantly, because we all know what perverts the japanese are. God forbid they have a tv show without getting a panty shot in! This is coming from a European, not an American, so don't critize me on that fact, because I can see all you flustered children prepared to start throwing back those racial slurs and what not. Well the Japanese happen to see things differently than Europeans and Americans. They are intrigued by panty shots, and we are intrigued by..."good humor" It could be said that European comedy is nothing more than sly in jokes and meaningless running around and chases, but you don't see me saying that, do you? Oh wait, I just did. :O I_Hate_Her Anime=A couple of well drawn characters, probably on a computer, that stand in one place with big eyes, and a huge mouth. They barely ever move, and when they do, it's just like, one step, and then the camera FLIES around completely obnoxiously making the fools that like that s**t, think the character is running at TOP SPEED! Well they aren't. It's just, like those old movies were the people would sit in cars, and behind the car they would have a rolling screen that showed a city moving behind them. Same concept, get it? Well consider this, you know that detailed drawing that makes you so much time and so much effort to make? Draw making that drawing AGAIN, but this time, have the legs move exactly 1/4 of an inch forward. Imagine try to draw that SEVERAL TIMES OVER, and you can imagine why you don't see the charecters and the backgrounds move around more. I_Hate_Her Here's another Camera issue, when they are standing still, they don't even talk, you just are focused in one on character, while you hear someone elses voice talk to them, and the camera slowly creeps up from their feet, to their face, and then switches to the other person while the one you were just on gets to talk. It's like, 30 minutes of complete bland action and talking. There's another medium of storytelling that does that and does that well. What was it...oh yeah, soap operas. Different directors have different ways to tell the story, and they have different methods of showing you what the whole charecter looks like or acts or why they do what they do. Some anime may suck to you, while others you may find awesome. If you don't like it, well its not you have to watch it, right? And its not like you have to subject these poor Gaians to your hole filled, problem riddled logic, either. *sigh* Some people can't bother looking below the surface these days, can't they?
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Posted: Thu Nov 17, 2005 7:35 pm
Y'know, I hate to do two rants in one day...but this has to be said, I feel like nothing in this ******** house is mine anymore.
Example; I was helping my brother carry some stuff to the car for his dinner date/proposal with his girlfriend barefoot, and he give me $5 for my troubles. I walk back to the house, and what happens?
The ******** gate locks in front of me; so I climb up and balence upon the wall, and jump my way down to the apartment. Come home to gather the rest of the money from the pants I had them in earlier, and what do I find out? THE MONEY'S ******** GONE.
I check every damnn pair of pants I own thats lying around the room, and I turn up nothing. I askl my mom if she put it away, and she wasn't even aware I had money. And I KNOW it couldn't be my sister, she gave me most of it. which leaves me with two conclusions.
One, they're someplace I haven't look yet, and two, my bro took the money from my pockets when i wasn't looking. It better damn well be option one, because I am incredibly pissed off as it is, and if WAS my brother that took them, Well that just gives one more reason to get the ******** out of here, eh?
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Posted: Fri Nov 18, 2005 11:48 pm
stare My mother and I don't talk...she is my step mom, she treats me like a step child, pushes me away, a few months ago she looked like she was going to hit me then told me she was going to disassociate her self from me, today she told me to kiss her a**, just because I said I was going to leave early to go to the bank so I can get the money for the insurace she has been bugging me about to get, which she has been, she claims she hasn't. It hurt again..her yelling..she may have disassociated her self from me...but I haven't from her..it cuts like a knife don't it. I guess we aren't talking anymore...again...has anyone seen the movie mother dearest??? thats what it is like..but without the wire hanger. stare
x.x Dead stressed
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Posted: Thu Dec 01, 2005 1:01 am
*sigh* I can't take this anymore...
The family is slowly drifting/falling apart, and here doesn't appear to be a damn thing I can do about it.
The fighting between my mom and my sister has gotten so badm that as soon as my mom gets a job, shes gonna move out of the house. And I don't think my brother is too far behind.
I think my mom made her feelings for the family apparent when she decided to go to her boyfriends family's house for Thanksgiving, instead of our's. Everybody's off doing their own thing, and here I am being left in the dust and left behind.
I mean, my mom asked me to go with her when she moves, but I'm not sure I can even do that. She constantly lies to my faces, she takes everything thats mine away from me and hides it from me, and tries to *and fails* to explain why she did it. She can't even tell me the truth about something as simple as why she hid my money order from me.
My brother tells me that she did it to protect me, but somehow...I think hes the only one that believes that.
I've been drawing a lot of couple art lately, and its only reminded me, time and again, what I don't have, what I desire most, and what is currently out of my reach: someone to hold, someone to love, and someone that I can come to when I need to cry, or whenever I need a hug.
In many ways, I'm very grown up, and very mature, and yet, in many ways, I am still a child. I guess this would be one of them, and I guess I'm still somewhat selfish, when I think about it.
The fact of it is, the only thing I've ever really wanted, is someone that will listen, someone that will care about what I say, someone I can call my own.
And you know what the sad thing about it is? It really breaks my heart to say this, but I can hug a pillow, and feel more love from it than I do my own mother.
To think, my best writing comes from the darkest places in my heart. Maybe I shouldn't be happy. Maybe I should just live out my days in solitude the second I hit the top. Maybe I was just never meant to be happy. I mean, the people I cherish most are slipping further and further away from me. And the people closest to me, are slowly slipping away.
As the people here already know, I hate materialism, and the people that think things can make them happy. I can tell ya; I have 2 game consoles, the net, and cable, and I'm still feeling like somethings missing. Maybe when I start living on my own, I can start feeling joy. Maybe when I start living on my own, I can start feeling like something is mine. Maybe when I start living on my own, I can find something thar I can hold, and feel the love from it I've desired for so long.
But until then I guess I'll do the one thing thats helped me deal with this pain for all this time. Write, and let my charecters express the inner rage in my heart...
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