|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Thu Aug 03, 2006 10:14 pm
 {{Her dreams went out the door, when she turned twentyfour--}}Don't worry, A, I had to change something quick-like anyway. Something I had noticed after reading GTHB's critique.
Edit: Though if I may critique your critique just a bit... 'bubble gum pink bubbles' seems just a little redundant. Cotton candy tastes better anyway. ;D
Wow, did I just win the b***h of the year award or what? XD
{{She was gonna be an actress, she was gonna be a star...}}
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Aug 03, 2006 10:18 pm
>> << Miss Airaka?
Might I have a "holy crap that's alot" critique?
I'd love to know what to fix in my style, even though it's sort of in progress. Day 1 is complete, a little jumbled, but there. :0
Thankyou. <3
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Aug 03, 2006 10:18 pm
 ninja
Soo... how many people have actually submitted er.. submissions.. so far?
:3
Toastie just finished hers up 3nodding
<3's for Martha the Stewardess? Crazy? I was crazy once.
They locked me in a room
..with rats.
I hate rats, they make me...
CRAZY!
heart
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Aug 03, 2006 10:21 pm
*gasp* Ana, did you play the gender game, too?
I was actually playing with the cliche, Ana. Plus, I don't like cotton candy.
Aine, I'll have to read yours! *total Narutard* <3
Sure, Shoy. Though I may not get to it until tomorrow, sorry. ^-^;; I'm really slow, and getting kind of tired.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Aug 03, 2006 10:22 pm
Heart Shaped Toastie ninja
Soo... how many people have actually submitted er.. submissions.. so far?
:3
Toastie just finished hers up 3nodding
<3's for Martha the Stewardess? Crazy? I was crazy once.
They locked me in a room
..with rats.
I hate rats, they make me...
CRAZY!
heart I have, and only a few comments, none of which are from Airaka, simply because I said I don't want too much comments right now. 3nodding EDIT: No comments right now, please, as I said.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Aug 03, 2006 10:25 pm
Airaka *gasp* Ana, did you play the gender game, too?
I was actually playing with the cliche, Ana. Plus, I don't like cotton candy.
Aine, I'll have to read yours! *total Narutard* <3
Sure, Shoy. Though I may not get to it until tomorrow, sorry. ^-^;; I'm really slow, and getting kind of tired. {{Her dreams went out the door, when she turned twentyfour--}}
Cliche? I wouldn't exactly call it a cliche... it kind of muddied up my head as I read it though.
Aah, yes, I did play the gender game ((unthinkable, I know!))... in... one sentence? Maybe two, tops. I was thinking of just making it ALL "him" just because, but then I decided not to and forgot to re-manipulate until I just re-read it. <3
{{She was gonna be an actress, she was gonna be a star...}}
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Aug 03, 2006 10:28 pm
`Aine Chievious Heart Shaped Toastie ninja
Soo... how many people have actually submitted er.. submissions.. so far?
:3
Toastie just finished hers up 3nodding
<3's for Martha the Stewardess? Crazy? I was crazy once.
They locked me in a room
..with rats.
I hate rats, they make me...
CRAZY!
heart I have, and only a few comments, none of which are from Airaka, simply because I said I don't want too much comments right now. 3nodding EDIT: No comments right now, please, as I said.
teehee
Toastie is fine with comments, they either improve things, or they make with the happy complimenting or somewhere in between.
Plus, Toastie's used to it. In Creative Writing, we always critiqued each other's work.. and had it critiqued by the teacher too. sweatdrop
It was much more harsh. :/ Nothing is worse than a bunch of writers sitting there and reading your work and telling you what's wrong. Crazy? I was crazy once.
They locked me in a room
..with rats.
I hate rats, they make me...
CRAZY!
heart
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Aug 03, 2006 10:28 pm
The only part of my application is the ever so fun innuendo filled jailbird concept I had... Maybe I should rewrite it...
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Aug 03, 2006 10:29 pm
Airaka HirunHikari Mine's finished! Give me obnoxious comments.
cool
Your application was actually quite enjoyable to read. It had good grammar, and fair sentence structure. Though I was disappointed by how Meru was killed. I always believed the Crazy Killer would be more "Crazy" then a couple quaint stabs to the gut, and a shove down down the laundry shoot.
You used more names then those who are killed/jailed/inactive, which is unusual. It could make the game confusing if you won the GM contest and continued to do such. Though, personally, I enjoyed seeing more personalities then usual. Though, you may want to bold the names of the people who got jailed/killed/removed, if you continue to add extra people.
Jarret's death, I cannot tell whether it annoyed me, or pleased me. While it was a surprise to see him die instead of Bullet Rift, surprises aren't always a good thing. He had two sentences to say, one not even a complete one, and then he died. I would have liked more on him.
I'm guessing Jarret was shot from the back, through the head, yes? And he was bleeding all the way through? That doesn't make much sense, actually. If the bullet had passed straight through Jarret's head, Bullet would have been hit.
The jailing was cute.. in a sense. In a sense that I am fairly insane. Now, back to critique. When I read the name "Matilda", I thought more of a more witch like character. You might have wanted to use a name more like "Helga" even though it isn't Swedish. Well known as being a fairly unattractive female name. ^-^
When Sakura screamed, I did not feel much terror myself. I would have placed her scream before you described Matilda, thus giving the world a sense of horror approaching, instead of after you described Matilda, especially with Matilda's description.
Insom's scream confused me. Did she scream because Sakura screamed? Or because she saw Matilda? Neither makes much sense. Sakura's screamed wasn't short enough to startle anyway. She screamed a sentence.
I'm guessing that you wrote the story as if it were at least day two, so Insom being afraid of Matilda wouldn't make much sense. Insom spent one whole day with her.
For your information Caps Lock isn't quite as appealing as you think it is.
The Inactivity update was quite interesting. That the two inactivities didn't die is something new, as well. I liked it. ^-^
Scelero... I'll comment on yours in a bit. I'm not that good at poems, so it may be... odd? An' Omigosh... This seems like a long post. ^-^; O_O Stunning review. I thank you very much. xD This gives me the opportunity to do some editing! biggrin :stuffs you in a box for use incase he becomes GM: ninja I'll need this. XD
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Aug 03, 2006 10:30 pm
Dukes The only part of my application is the ever so fun innuendo filled jailbird concept I had... Maybe I should rewrite it... I've thought about rewriting the death scenes/inactivity a bit, since some parts of it are not explained. xd
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Aug 03, 2006 10:33 pm
Wow, Airaka......THANK YOU! heart
Now that's an honest opinon. crying <--Happy Tears
The sniper update, ok yes I gave the sniper a gender, I didn't really mean to I guess it's just a habit from writing all those stories, I did notice that I gave the sniper a gender but not untill I was about to finish the section. I didn't want to go and erase everything because if I just put "the person" in replacement of the gender then it would have sounded weird, this was actually due to laziness. sweatdrop I then came up with the inactivity idea and I just thought I would leave it like that, but ya I shouldn't really do that.
Now the whole Inasane thing, I just went blank on that update, I couldn't think of anything! I should have waited for an idea to come but I didn't. So ya that's why that one was so LAME!
The Crazy Killer person, I didn't realize I put a gender, sorry. Like you said I should go over it more. And by "them" oh ya the items, they just popped into my head as I started writing it, I was going to use them, well actually no I wasn't, the only reason why I put them in there was so that IHD could get pissed and just take out her anger on something. The fluffy jacket. xd That seriously wasn't meant to be in the story, I couldn't think of way to where IHD couldn't roll out of the fire, and the jacket thing just popped in my head.
The spelling, yes I have bad spelling but what can you do with a cheap keyboard like mine, sometimes the buttons don't go down all the way. Yes I should go back and read it over but sometimes when you do, people usually miss the smallest of spelling errors. And thanks for the description idea, I always tried to put different expressions in it but they wouldn't pop in my head, and yes a thesaurus is another way to find the words I need.
No you are not being an a** you are telling the truth, I shall now remember all this when I write more stories.
Thank you Airaka! heart
*Goes to edit stories.*
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Aug 03, 2006 10:36 pm
`Aine Chievious Dukes The only part of my application is the ever so fun innuendo filled jailbird concept I had... Maybe I should rewrite it... I've thought about rewriting the death scenes/inactivity a bit, since some parts of it are not explained. xd
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Aug 03, 2006 10:37 pm
Aine, I never said I was going to comment on your piece. I just said I wished to read it. I'm sorry if I made you feel such a way. ^-^;;
Mmm... Alright, I see how it could muddy up ones thoughts. Thanks for the information Ana. ^-^
*stuffed in a box* Oi... *taps at the roof of the box*
Mmm... You're welcome GTHB. ^-^ My key board suck too. >.<;
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Aug 03, 2006 10:48 pm
Airaka would like me to extend her apologies, but her older brother is an a** and she's getting thrown off. She would also like me to tell you all that she will finish with the critiquing tomorrow. 3nodding
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Aug 03, 2006 10:50 pm
{{Her dreams went out the door, when she turned twentyfour--}} Aaah. 50 minutes up after my bedtime for no reason @_@ Ah, well.
Night everyone!
{{She was gonna be an actress, she was gonna be a star...}}
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
