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Yeah, Warhammer 40k appeals very much to a person's sense of adventure through an ultimate leadership role. Even though you're only playing the computer game, which I very much agree is an excellent game, though hardly anything like the actual table-top father, I would encourage you to seek out a hobby store one lonely Friday night or free weekend to watch a few games being really played.

The table-top game's main appeal to me is that I can either take the role of a villain or a stalward defender of mankind, I don't like Eldar so I can't say eldarkind. In fact I played a game against my friend's Eldar last night and butchered him down to his last model. Right now I'm playing what most would call a "evil" army, one that worships the Warp god Nurgle. I think it was my...13th game with that army and truly I have to admit that I'm getting tired of winning. I hardly think my army is the best I just guess I know how to use it to its fullest effectiveness.

I don't recommend 40k for everyone, the only way to really experience the hobby is to do everything the hobby has to offer, and that means building your own models, painting them and then finally pitting your men (or women, or alien followers) against the forces of good and evil, sometimes at the same time. God I love massive games ^_^.

This morning sucks, stupid room was like a dutch oven... grumble grumble stupid crappy everything. If anyone has facebook check out my video I made last night, you absolutely CANNOT tell that I'm bored stupid.

the Lion

All right, I just need to rant this out before I break down entirely.

First off, at this moment, I @#$!ing HATE LIFE. Every god forsaken weekend I vow to do my homework and extra work I've missed and I NEVER DO IT. WHAT THE HELL SELF?! I'm so mad at myself and life, but mostly myself and if it weren't for the fact I feel like puking my guts out I'd probably drive one of my grandma's retardedly dull knives into either an appendage or try haphazardly through my rib cage and turn my insides into a blended concoction of dead human being.

I'm sick of my procrastinating, I'm sick of not getting hardly anything done, since I have caught up on some work but let others simply fall all together.

I hate school, I hate everything this @#$!ing institution stands for, everyone inside it, the elitism, the complete unfriendliness of the entire thing and lack of giving a @#$! by everyone including myself, so yeah @#$! me too!

I hate my god damned parents, I hate my birth parents even more for having me in the first place. I even hate the fact my only grandfather is still alive because I can't stand the thought of him being stuck in a nursing home being cared for by people who look like they care more about the colour of their own sh*t than whether or not he's happy. And YES, I understand his happiness isn't what they're being @#$!ing paid to maintain, its his failing health, I hate democracy I hate the state of the current human mindset, we torture the old who can't even talk until their bodies, which have been drugged and technologically augmented finally give out only after they've been shocked back to life a number of times and operated on until they bleed plasma and not even real @#$!ing blood! I want them all dead, the useless have NO right to be alive, they are physically and mentally incapable of ANYTHING, why the hell are they allowed to live? Why won't my grampa just die already, christ it isn't fair, he's so sad in that @#$!ing place, every time I look at him I die inside, not a little, just die. I fight tears like the British fought Nazi's when he looks at me and he reaches out to hug me with his one useless arm and the other reduced and veined. I hate how my family can only talk about sh*t that will happen after he dies, they're @#$!ing cowards, I'd destroy them all if it meant anything except me feeling better.

I hate my family so much, they don't deserve anything, they don't deserve to call me son or brother or cousin or anything. I'm not one them, I don't even feel related to them. I hate my so called mother's b*****d husband, everything he's done has been out of spite, he couldn't care less about my sister or I, just his own daughter and son, even though his son is the biggest @#$! up I've ever met, if I see him again God I hope I just end him, or at the very least satisfy myself with a good solid hit to his throat so I can watch him suffocate just a little so he can feel what its been like to be ME for the past 6 years under his warped shadow, constantly striving to prove my worth when he has to do NOTHING. A den of thieves and vile hypocrites and they've infected me with their bile and their habits and their anger. I hate my so called mother for doing nothing but putting on a front to fool everyone around her about what she really is, if she died tomorrow I'd laugh and prance and thank God and Christ and Allah and Buddha and the Gods and every last pagan idol ever carved or sewn together over the past 10,000 years.

And here I am leaving myself out, me, who claims to be healthy of mind and strong in body is nothing but a snake and a thieving trickster himself. I beat down this dark creature into the blackest part of my being only find that its really puppetteering the goodness inside me. I feel as evil as sin and I have only faint regrets about anything wrong that I do. I'm at odds with my own being and if I didn't think I could change I would hope at the very most 11 stories and gravity would be enough to rid this world of my rot.

I so long for a family, I am in tears because I do not hardly have one, even one that is abusive and frail. I feel like I fight everyday, like a demon against the world to no avail because everything must take more time than can be viewed by the human eye in its passing. I am crippled and bitter, a mess of supposed uselessness that should end. I can't stand to be around myself, every mirror is a bane to my existence. How I hate myself, how I wish my girlfriend thought there was someone better for her than me, my destruction would at last be complete without her iron grip clinging to the very goodness I hardly believe I have.

I even hate that I win at Warhammer 40k, every game is a win, challenging but the outcome is still the same every time, my armies are victorious, my opponent and most often friends are slaughtered beneath my superior stratagems and knowledge of the rules. Even those that have played longer than I have can do little but send their models to destruction at the hands of my anti-heroes. I hate the bitter taste of victory, a taste I can't cleanse myself of.

What else do I hate? My ignorance, yes, my in-abilities, yes, my desires, of course. The fact that life looks fair all around me, yet when I look inwards at my own situation, Hell itself looks pleasantly appealing. I hate that I must stop myself from crying every time I see my friends interact with their mothers and fathers and brothers and sisters. I hate my weaknesses, I hate not knowing, I hate not knowing whether or not my real mother would want anything to do with me if I was somehow able to find her. I hate thinking that she couldn't care less, I hate thinking that my father might not even know I exist. I hate that my adoptive father died when I was 6, I hate not having the confidence to have ever stood up for myself, or to bullies but was always able to for my friends. I hate knowing that nothing will change, that somehow my life seemed to be over before I even got to live it.

I'll stop now, I hope no one reads all of this, but if they do I guess they were pretty bored. Don't take any of this too seriously, I'm just very upset at myself and at things I can't control or could have controlled but chose not to.

justin

Inspiring words but none of them help, as hard as I try I never seem to get closer to any objective. Yet, when I complete objectives and tasks I have no time to celebrate and think on them because I'm waist deep in 4 or 5 others.

And I wouldn't dream of doing this to my children when I have them, its despicable and duplicite beyond a doubt. If I ever did I'd shoot myself upon realization.

I do push through, somehow, by the skin of my pearly whites I push through, I push on and I keep pushing until I'm exhausted but even then I don't get to rest. Hell I've gone out for multiple job interviews this month and all of them praised my quality and my drive and loyalty and all that s**t yet not one of them hired me. It felt like having my hand shook and then a** kicked when I turn around.

I'm just sick and tired and exhausted from fighting for everything I have because I don't ever get to keep anything unless I keep fighting for it. Everyday is 110%, constantly going, constantly working just to keep my face above water and it doesn't ever feel like that life boat is getting any closer and that's when I can even see one. Pardon my rampant metaphor.

I don't even know why I have to be better than anyone, I don't know why I can't just be me. I'm so god damn frustrated its taking everything in me not to put my fist/foot/body through a wall.

Oh, Lion. You're so strong, but...but you can't exist all alone with your hatred!

Look, I know (not to the extent that you do) how messed up family can be. I know that sometimes, in my weak moments, I find myself too, loathing myself and my life, and everything around me. What's worse, I envy others for their supposed happiness, and their families. And I loathe myself, detest myself, beyond-hate myself for that.

I find myself weak and vulnerable, hurting from a place I cannot heal, bleeding from a wound I cannot lick. I weep in desperation, because I cannot bring myself to finish tasks half-done, because I cannot bring myself to end anything at all.

But even then, in my weakest moments, I remember--I do have people in my life who are closer than family. I have talents that set me apart, and any number of people who would let me lean on them if the time came where I am too weak to go on all by myself. Somehow, that lets me go on.

Did you know that my mother died holding my hand? I wonder why the weak are allowed to live sometimes, too. I think I know now--sometimes, I think that they lend us the strength to go on. Because even when we could end it for us, they're still there, waiting for us. The memory of my mother, my friends, VelArian and Valentyne...your grandfather, your sister, Roky...I think these people are here to anchor us, and we to anchor them--because when it would be easier to go crazy, they lend us the strength to stay sane...not for us, but for them.

I don't know if this will help, but whenever I want to break, sinking down into sweet oblivion, I close my eyes, and think of all the things that haven't done, that I still have to do--all the people in my life who need me to stick around, and in that moment between weakness and strength, I say a little prayer--you know the one--and hope with all my heart that someone hears it. It isn't just a prayer of hope, anymore, or well-wishing. It's an acknowledgment of loss, and the sacrifice to go on. Somehow, three little words give me more strength than any pep talk. Maybe you should find your words, the words that set you free.

I'm going to call you. Now. Maybe then, you'll realize that you do have family, right here, if only you'd choose to see it.

Love and Vale, not for me not for you but for us.
~Leavaros Dapple...Andrew

Don't call until after 3 PM--I'm in school before then, so I won't be able to talk. Sorry about losing your number, Lion, I feel like....such an idiot....
-LD

Holy Athenian breast milk this thread has been mute since Monday, well, I shall put an end to this errant silence once and for all!

So today went well, well, I don't know, I say it did because I intentionally avoided a philosophical argument that I don't think my peers would be able to understand despite their current enrolment in my universities basic philo. class. I don't feel like getting into it simply because it was about religion and if anyone knows anything about Pascal's religious happenstance's, well, it isn't pretty, apparently, agnostics are nothing more than confused atheists. What bothers me is how everyone keeps taking an unarguable subjective view point, the only person allowed to take that is the Prof and the tutorial leader because they are instruments to provoke thought.

Opinions are all well and dandy, but for goodness sake THEY CAN'T BE ARGUED! That is why they are opinions, they are subjective, subject to chance and alteration and thus can't be proved, denied or even agreed upon by others. I think my TA began to see the strain on my face this morning and I got into a bit of a debate but my lack of Christian study prevented me from pursuing the matter, I just wish the dumkompf (pardon my hash German) would've wiped the I WIN smirk from his face, he won nothing, I conceded point because I am ignorant not because I am wrong or disillusioned.

Such is life I suppose, I just wish I had the character to study religion in depth so I could take a better objective stance over it, perhaps I'm destined to remain unfaithful, though that in my opinion is a good thing.

Had to wake up early this morning for the bus, at least the weather was warmer, goodness I hate winter. I'm almost done reading Horus Rising, I think it will be the only book in the series to have a happy ending, oh well.

I hope today shapes up, tomorrow I'm taking off school and Monday is my final day! Hurrah! then begins my serious workout schedule, oooh right!

Later all

the Lion

Maybe it's some book he read...I found myself praying to the gods in TP's books numerous times...and that was way back when I was still technically a Christian.

Lion, I believe I must be the avatar of this god of yours.... (Just kidding!)

Had a good weekend, didn't see enough people, but played Medieval: Total War II (M2, as I've come to refer to it). Played as Spain. Kicked some butts all the way into the Dark Ages (can't remember if that's backwards or forwards at this point), and essentially crushed all competition. Fun, fun, fun!

Kill Count at this point (in order of destruction):
~~~~~~
Portugal
Moors
France
Milan
Sicily

To-Kill List
~~~~~~~
Holy Roman Empire
England
Denmark
Venice (*)
Scotland (*)
Hungary (?)
Poland (?)
Russia (?)
THE POPE!!!!! (Must kill!
evil twisted evil twisted evil twisted )
Seriously, that guy is way too much frickin' trouble.

*s mean after top three
?s mean perhaps after stars
Pope after all other Catholic factions are destroyed.
------------------------------
Love and Vale,
~Leavaros Dapple