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 Posted: Thu Aug 03, 2006 9:44 pm
Airaka
As for the post style, Ana, my chat style is usually centered, but when making RP posts or stories, I make sure my type is not centered. People are used to reading as if it were a book, and the centered throws people off balance.
 {{Her dreams went out the door, when she turned twentyfour--}}Yes, I know what you mean. I've changed it since that post. ^^ Now it's black as death and completly align left! smile
{{She was gonna be an actress, she was gonna be a star...}}
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Posted: Thu Aug 03, 2006 9:46 pm
Alright. Thanks much, Ana. I'm about 60% done GTHB's critique. ^-^
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Posted: Thu Aug 03, 2006 9:48 pm
{{Her dreams went out the door, when she turned twentyfour--}} I probably won't be able to see it until tomorrow, then >.> but maybe I can push my bedtime a little later. XD
{{She was gonna be an actress, she was gonna be a star...}}
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Posted: Thu Aug 03, 2006 9:48 pm
I FINISHED MY APPLICATION. @W@;;;
Now I gotta edit it. xd heart
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Posted: Thu Aug 03, 2006 9:50 pm
Airaka Alright. Thanks much, Ana. I'm about 60% done GTHB's critique. ^-^
I'm afraid.
I think I know what she is going to say about the sniper section, it was too long or short and had no speech to it. Something like that.
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Posted: Thu Aug 03, 2006 9:51 pm
{{Her dreams went out the door, when she turned twentyfour--}} Yay, Wrennie!
{{She was gonna be an actress, she was gonna be a star...}}
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Posted: Thu Aug 03, 2006 9:56 pm
Anagove {{Her dreams went out the door, when she turned twentyfour--}} Yay, Wrennie!
{{She was gonna be an actress, she was gonna be a star...}} >3<; heart
I made it wayyyy too long.... XDDDDD!
-excited.- x33
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Posted: Thu Aug 03, 2006 9:57 pm
{{Her dreams went out the door, when she turned twentyfour--}} I think maybe Bullet Rift has me on his ignore list... o.o;
*wonders what she did?*
{{She was gonna be an actress, she was gonna be a star...}}
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Posted: Thu Aug 03, 2006 9:58 pm
Wrendraith Anagove {{Her dreams went out the door, when she turned twentyfour--}} Yay, Wrennie!
{{She was gonna be an actress, she was gonna be a star...}} >3<; heart
I made it wayyyy too long.... XDDDDD!
-excited.- x33 I think I made my death bit a bit long. ................. Doesn't my self-conciousness get annoying after a while? xd
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Posted: Thu Aug 03, 2006 9:58 pm
Anagove {{Her dreams went out the door, when she turned twentyfour--}} I think maybe Bullet Rift has me on his ignore list... o.o;
*wonders what she did?*
{{She was gonna be an actress, she was gonna be a star...}}
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Posted: Thu Aug 03, 2006 9:59 pm
gthb Anagove {{Her dreams went out the door, when she turned twentyfour--}} I think maybe Bullet Rift has me on his ignore list... o.o;
*wonders what she did?*
{{She was gonna be an actress, she was gonna be a star...}} {{Her dreams went out the door, when she turned twentyfour--}} o.o;;; oh, okay. Good then. ^^;
{{She was gonna be an actress, she was gonna be a star...}}
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Posted: Thu Aug 03, 2006 10:08 pm
Yes. I loved Sin. Sin is completely rapeable. I'm willingly to steal Sin and write a book on Sin when I get older.
Alright, though love. Here we go. ^-^
You need to work on your grammar, and sentence structure. Read over your work, and question it throughly. You seemed as if you were going for a more creepy approach then silly and laughable. Add much more feeling and more meat. Cut your sentences shorter, so to give everyone a sense of suspense.
I'm going to pick on a couple of your sentences to show you what you need to work on. Quote: GTHB's Sentence: Inasanemonkey sat in her house minding her own business in the tub, to what her business was, no one should know. Airaka's Version: Inasanemonkey sat in her tub, bubble gum pink bubbles creeping over her shoulders like gleeful familiars, humming off tune to a song she had earlier today, minding her own business, though, to what her business was, no one should know.Quote: GTHB's Sentace: "Ugh!" Padme yelled as she was thrown to the ground. Airaka's Sentance: "Ugh!" Padme growled, as she was unceremoniously pushed to the hard cell floor.
Alright, now on to bashing the individual areas. I'll start from the bottom and move up.
Inactivity Update:
This got on my nerves highly. Wow... So Game was lying on the ground. Outside of Ina's house. In a very suspicious looking outfit. *jabs Game* Are you asleep or dead, damnit!? While I understand you needed to place the water gun in the Inactivity Update to show that Game wasn't the sniper, I don't believe it would have been necessary if Game had just died. And what is with the random man?
Sniper Update:
You gave the Sniper a Gender? Please tell me you didn't. Please tell me the gender was meant for Game.
This update was extremely boring for me. Alright... Ina's in her house... Ina's taking a bath... Our (female?!) sniper/Game is a lesbian pervert (Hot... *bricked)... Ina watched TV ... Ina goes to bed... Oh WAIT! Ina needs a glass of water... Alright Ina, go get your water... Ina blindly walk by our dear sniper... Poor Sniper crying ...
And then... Ina encounters the lesbian inside. Either the woman is Game, or the sniper. If the woman is Game, you should have had something like Ina hitting her over the head, only to be shot by the Sniper a second later. Then people could enjoy Ina Headcakes. *bricked* No offense, Ina!
If the woman was the sniper, shame on you for adding genders. Shame on you for that boring death to a boring story.
Though... *glees of Lesbian Love*
Crazy Killer Update:
At the beginning, it seemed as if you wanted to be specific.... But then died. Not good. You just added them to be used as toys IHD could abuse. I don't believe you need them. I believe you could have wrote a good Update without them being there.
As I told you with the fluffiness, I much enjoyed the argument. Though it needs more creative words. Screamed, yelled, happy. They are all normal words. Grab a thesaurus and get creative with it. Instead of screamed, hollered, instead of yelled, bellowed, instead of happy, joyous, thrilled, or delighted.
You gave the Crazy Killer a gender, too. That's giving away a hint, or lying. Either way, it's a big no-no, you should try to stop doing.
Fluffy .. jacket? Interestingly cute... Though kind of nerving. Though it works. Oddly... I can't really complain or compliment on this. Though... I wonder if IHD would make a pretty burning marshmallow...
Lawl on the GCSGers. It's enjoyed the ending.
Jail Update:
Sin! <3 My invisible Sin.
What annoyed me the most here was the grammar, though the grammar is pretty shaky through-out the whole thing.
Mmm... Other then that... The Jail Update is pretty good.
Overall the whole thing needs more meat, and a grammar check up. Good job, though, GTHB. Sorry, if I sounded a bit like an a**. ^-^;; My mood seems to change with the music I'm listening to...
Ana, I'm sorry it's taking me so long. ^.^;;
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Posted: Thu Aug 03, 2006 10:10 pm
Critique what I got so far! 4laugh
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Posted: Thu Aug 03, 2006 10:13 pm
I think I just realized my favorite part of my entry.
Zakashi.
"ONE THOUSAND YEARS OF DEATH!!!!"
Don't ask why I made a parody of a Naruto character. xd
Yeah.
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