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 Posted: Tue Sep 08, 2009 7:05 pm
It must seem like words aren't worth much, but right now they're all I have to offer. If there were a way for me to get you not only out of the situation you're in but out of the physical area, and either to Florida, or somewhere else where you could heal and relax. I know it's hard, and I wish I could help more. The best I can say is that if you ever need a listening ear or a comforting shoulder, I'm willing to help as much as I can.
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Posted: Wed Sep 09, 2009 9:42 am
The Florida option is no longer on the table. crying
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Posted: Wed Sep 09, 2009 9:47 am
You could always move to Canada and go to school. School is kinda my answer to everything though.
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Posted: Wed Sep 09, 2009 1:49 pm
Kujujuwa I've tried a few times today to say something to you, about how much I care, about how much this whole guild cares. And I know that you know that we do, and that sometimes it just isn't enough... but that's as far as I can say. Yet there is so much more that I want to say, but I can't find the words for it all. I've been told I am immature, but I never really believed it until I met you. I don't mean anything bad by it, because I have so much fun talking to you and playing games and reading your Star Wars RPG. (I still want more of those if you have some ready) It's when you really need advise or just someone to talk to about life in general that I don't feel up to par. I want to help you so bad and I never feel like I have anything good to say that would make you feel any better. Just know that I do care and I do hope that you find a place where you can be you and have fun and not have to worry about things anymore, where you can finally just live your life. heart Sorry I was not around and hard to get in touch with. Yesterday, I just hit the wall on top of a really bad day. I did not get much sleep monday night for obvious reasons, poked around a bit online in the morning, no AIM. I decided to sit down and poke about with the laptop. A power surge tore through the house about noon, probably the neighborhood by the looks of things outside, and the laptop got fried. It shocked the s**t out of me, screen flashed, developed three lines, then there were sparks and black smoke before it just died outright. The TV in the family room is shot, 6 lightbulbs went out, and two exploded too - so it was a scary mess. It was blamed on the laptop and things got pretty ugly. This morning we took it back to best buy and they plugged it in, it sent up some thin grey smoke and buzzed a bit before nothing, hooked it up to things and got nothing, so they gave us a full refund. So yesterday was a stressful train wreck, filled with lots of finding broken lightbulb glass largely by stepping on it and repairs. After awhile, I just gave up and tried to read but that went nowhere too. I hope my RPG still exists... Things might be over there. crying Even if it is over though, I guess I still need to finish that last move to send out... Please don't feel immature, I don't need the guilt of knowing I caused you to feel bad, you're one of my closest friends and in so being are always up to par. Tiika Firedancer You could always move to Canada and go to school. School is kinda my answer to everything though. Canada is largely too dry, cold, or toxic. No offense there, it is just a factor of my health, not a put down on Canada. As for going to school, I just can't bring myself to do it. I panic and shut down to the point I even have to avoid driving by most colleges and univs – it brings back a flood of the anxiety from my nervous breakdown.
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Posted: Fri Sep 25, 2009 10:02 pm
The following is an excerpt from a chat I just had... I think I came away from it learning quite a bit. Perhaps it will help somebody, perhaps they will like to add to it.
Exxos: If there is one thing that I have learned in GMing, is that the only concrete plans I should have is that the game stays in the SW galaxy and there is a pirate treasure world.
Exxos: Otherwise GM from the hip, have fun, and just imagine lots of opportunities so when one works, use it.
Ro-kun: smile
Ro-kun: yet you constantly doubt your awesomeness
Exxos: Yeah sad
Exxos: I am trying to get better at it
Exxos: Break the old chains of
Exxos: chaininess
Exxos: Yeah, I am totally on a Vonnegut level. razz
Exxos: I have so many doubts in myself, fed from within and without.
Ro-kun: yeah
Exxos: And often they make me feel trapped and suffocating
Exxos: because I know I can do it
Exxos: but for some reason I can't
Exxos: It is easy to look at my environment and make excuses when there are things to keep me from doing it
Exxos: things that interrupt my focus
Exxos: But when those things are removed, it is as if the shackles keeping me from my potential are tighter and less lenient
Exxos: I guess because those would be my internal shackles
Exxos: the ones placed there either by myself or the years of pressure
Exxos: yes, even the latter would be placed by myself
Exxos: but they were created out of the pressures of the abuse
Exxos: How to let go?
Exxos: How do you let go of the things that are attached to you?
Exxos: What is the metaphorical key to these metaphorical shackles.
Exxos: And why am I saddened that my first use of metaphor correctly in all the years you have known me is in regards to this s**t?
Exxos: heh
Ro-kun: razz
Ro-kun: you unlock the metaphorical chains with a metaphorical key
Exxos: Which is about as apparent to find as my having a metaphorical erection to put into a metaphorical p***y.
Exxos: Which is also a male/female, key/lock thing.
Ro-kun: razz
Exxos: But dangerously close to a bad analogy.
Exxos: I know I can do things.
Exxos: Good things.
Exxos: I have skills that are better than the vast majority's.
Exxos: If I just do it.
Exxos: Am I afraid of success?
Ro-kun: yes you are
Ro-kun: you've had it beaten into you for years that you suck
Ro-kun: you're a failure
Exxos: Or, more likely, am I afraid of succeeding and then having that success devalued.
Ro-kun: you can't do anythign right
Ro-kun: you're a useless waste of space
Ro-kun: after so much repetition, you started believing it
Ro-kun: and you still do
Exxos: I made a lego creation, and it was smashed. I drew some great work for Frank, and he threw it out. I worked myself literally to breakdown in school, but it was not enough.
Exxos: So fear of losing success has become fear of succeeding in the first place?
Ro-kun: yup
Exxos: That somewhere deep in my rotten brain I am telling myself that if I never succeed I can never fall.
Exxos: So what do I do to overcome that? It seems to simple to just say, stop listening to that part of me and succeed. Is it to see that I am not a success or a failure, but just me? Embrace my talents and just enjoy them – to hell with the success or failure of them?
Exxos: It was kind of that way with model making and photoshop and legos before I lost my spine in each... I did not care about succeeding or failing, all I was concerned with was enjoying it, learning it, getting better at it for the sake of being able to do more with it.
Ro-kun: honestly yes, that's how to do it
Ro-kun: embrace your inner a*****e
Ro-kun: learn to not give a s**t
Ro-kun: if you succeed, good
Ro-kun: if you fail, you know what not to do next time so you can succeed
Ro-kun: remember that famous edison quote?
Exxos: yeah
Ro-kun: i never failed, i just found a thousand ways to not do something
Exxos: kind of
Ro-kun: or something along those lines
Exxos: yeah
Ro-kun: you could never be edison
Exxos: We've found 20 ways how NOT to do it!
Ro-kun: you'd fail once
Ro-kun: get disenchanted
Ro-kun: try again
Ro-kun: fail
Ro-kun: have a cry
Ro-kun: try again
Ro-kun: fail once more
Ro-kun: and you'd be rocking in a corner like a rape victim
Ro-kun: and that would be the end of it
Ro-kun: you need to unlearn your beaten-down mentality
Exxos: Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.
• This is presented as a statement of 1877, as quoted in From Telegraph to Light Bulb with Thomas Edison (2007) by Deborah Hedstrom, p. 22
Ro-kun: and embrace the edisonian mentality
Ro-kun: exactly
Exxos: Everything comes to him who hustles while he waits.
• As quoted in Thomas Alva Edison : Sixty Years of an Inventor's Life (190 cool by Francis Arthur Jones, p. 14
Exxos: I have not failed, I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
• Response to the idea that he had failed after 10,000 experiments to develop a storage battery, as quoted in The World Book Encyclopedia (1993) Vol. E, p. 78; there are many variants on this quote, with the numbers mentioned ranging from 97 to 10,000.
Exxos: • Results! I have gotten a lot of results. I know several thousand things that won't work.
• We have only found 586 ways that won't work and won't have to be tried again.
Soon, we will find one that does.
• I have not failed 700 times. I have not failed once. I have succeeded in proving that those 700 ways will not work.
• If I find 10,000 ways something won't work, I haven't failed. I am not discouraged, because every wrong attempt discarded is another step forward.
• Failed? — why we haven't failed, we only know the thousands of ways that won't work.
Ro-kun: there you go
Exxos: Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.
• As quoted in An Enemy Called Average (1990) by John L. Mason, p. 55
Ro-kun: We have only found 586 ways that won't work and won't have to be tried again. Soon, we will find one that does.
Ro-kun: i like that one best
Exxos: Hell, there are no rules here — we're trying to accomplish something.
• As quoted in How to Think Like Einstein : Simple Ways to Break the Rules and Discover Your Hidden Genius (2000) by Scott Thorpe, p. 124
Exxos: That's a good one.
Ro-kun: yeah
Exxos: If we did all the things we are capable of doing, we would literally astound ourselves.
Exxos: I can astound myself.
Exxos: I know that.
Exxos: I have done it many times before.
Ro-kun: only if you let yourself
Exxos: yes
Ro-kun: but will you?
Exxos: Let myself? I can only try. And if I fail, try again. And again if need be. As long as I don't stop trying, I will eventually get the hang of it.
Ro-kun: yup
Ro-kun: but you're a quitter
Ro-kun: will you allow yourself to stop being a quitter?
Exxos: I need to change who I am to stop being a quitter. As being a quitter I see most clearly is a fiber of my being, a single fiber though. I would not stop being me, just stop being a reflection of me out of many possible. That is the thread I need to let go of.
Exxos: I might get tangled in it, but I just need to untangle it and let it go again
Exxos: bit my bit, that thread will have to eventually run out and slip from my grasp.
Ro-kun: and then?
Exxos: I was tenacious once, I can be again, I can stop quitting and look life in the eye.
Exxos: I can allow myself to stop quitting, to stop stressing, to let go and just do s**t.
Exxos: It's not easy but it does not have to be so much harder than I make it out to be either.
Exxos: Same as when you pulled me up from my deepest days.
Exxos: One step
Exxos: in front of the other
Exxos: I have been running away a long time. Quitting a long time... Ran away so long, I lost myself and my place in the world.
Exxos: But the road is right there, no matter how lost I get, it is there. You pick me up, put me in a headlock and point, "There it is. All you have to do is embrace it and throw off those chains and blinders, walk back to the road and keep walking down it. I can't make you or walk it for you, but I can accompany you and pull you back on it when you stray... Wait... Where are you going? Yes, that hubcap looks like a flying saucer... Yes, you can keep it and make a model... This is the type of distraction that takes you off the road in the first place! Look at me! My legs are all scratched up from following your rambling a** through those briars... ********, just march to the road. Jesus."
Ro-kun: exactly
Ro-kun: you are easily distracted
Ro-kun: a scatterbrain when you allow it
Ro-kun: yet laser focused at other times
Exxos: But I should not feel bad about being scatterbrained when it is at the right moments.
Exxos: It's okay to let the creative demons out to play, carouse, fly all over the place.
Ro-kun: at approproate times, yes
Exxos: As long as I keep the key to their pen
Exxos: and the resolve to call them back in and let my mind cool down while I put their insanity to use
Exxos: I can simply look at my RPG to see how well that can work.
Exxos: Let the mind roam and go all over outside the game
Exxos: thinking of all the many, many things
Exxos: then put the focus into the game in session, letting all that brain rambling color it to good effect
Exxos: and the falcon is almost the opposite
Exxos: as so much brain rambling has led to no progress and conflicting effects
Exxos: 15 hulls where there should be 1 type s**t
Exxos: and only with your help and clarity was I able to focus all those back into one image
Ro-kun: now you have to focus yourself and get it done
Exxos: it?
Ro-kun: a broad sweeping generality for whatever it is that you're doing
Ro-kun: be it deckplans, lego, drawing in general, gaming, or life
Exxos: Sorry, my mind is doing that thing where it is screaming, so I needed the extra clarity there.
Exxos: At least I know I am at a point of personal breakthrough when that happens.
Ro-kun: yeah
Ro-kun: so don't stop
Ro-kun: keep going
Exxos: whether I cross the threshold and get better is the question
Exxos: but I know when it starts snarling and flipping out
Exxos: that I am on the precipice of realizing something it does not like
Exxos: Success is an appreciatable or intended outcome. Failure is only a failure if nothing is learned from it. Accomplishment is merely a series of intended outcomes. I can let go of my apprehensions, it is alright to do so. It is okay to be scatterbrained, as long as it is done in the right time and place, and fearing that a thought might be lost if I do not let it run is pointless as if the idea is good it will stay and otherwise that is what paper and pen is for.
Exxos: Quitting and giving up are different, quitting is running away, giving up is setting aside until you can come back to it.
Exxos: It is okay to give up, but not okay to quit.
Exxos: Nothing gets done if it is not done in the first place.
Exxos: Success can only be taken away from me and devalued if I let it be.
Exxos: I can only suck and be worthless if I deny myself and not manifest myself.
Ro-kun: yup
Ro-kun: keep going
Exxos: The approval of others is secondary, a bonus, after approval of myself. Embracing my inner a*****e is embracing the truth about myself. I need to be embracing my strengths and acknowledging weaknesses, not fearing either. A weakness is not something bad, its something I need to work on. Just that, I just need to do things and stop worrying about doing them.
Exxos: Doubt in people, doubt in myself, fear of failure, fear of success... They all keep me from doing things, thus making them self-realizing conditions.
Exxos: I don't have to have those doubts or fears.
Exxos: Life and death decisions are a place for those and one can't live a life as a life or death decision.
Exxos: I need to live my life as a life or life decision.
Exxos: Which course do I want to take today.
Exxos: Do I run away and live a life not living? Or do I take what comes, work through life bit by bit and savor the struggle?
Ro-kun: that's a decision only you can make
Ro-kun: i can recommend a course of action, but you must do it
Exxos: I need to stop being bland pudding and step up to the tiika chicken tandoori of life
Exxos: which is a horrible analogy
Exxos: because that chicken brings nothing good
Exxos: it tastes nasty and gives you epic shits
Exxos: XD
Ro-kun: hehe
Exxos: I think I am seeing it
Exxos: it is not a factor of letting go of guilt, fear of success of failure, apprehensions of life, or apprehnsions of anything. It is not a matter of believing in myself. It is a single, massive step that I have to take. I have to let go of all of those at once and do what is good for me, what makes me whole and happy without fear. Then belief in myself can come to me in the fertile soil I make for it in plowing under the soil of depression in favor of the rich soil of a life actively lived.
Exxos: And a life lived is not sex and love and success and accomplishment, it is just being yourself, learning, and growing each day without the fear or guilt or misery of thinking you ******** up in life.
Exxos: And I have talents I should be proud of and pride is not a bad thing.
Exxos: And I have love, my friends love me and see me how I am inside even when I am blinded to it myself.
Exxos: I owe nothing to anyone but myself and those I choose to owe to.
Exxos: And the world can ******** attack me all it wants, its my job to stand there and shout back, "No! You ******** off, I'm busy here!"
Ro-kun: yup
Exxos: Let go of quitting, let go of allowing myself to be guilted, let go of allowing myself to be stressed, let go of letting myself feel doubts of myself or those I trust, let go of doubting my abilities and embrace them and nurture them. Stop being one of the best fruits on the tree rotting on the branch.
Exxos: Stop running away.
Exxos: Stop thinking that because I am unable to do things that others can, I am somehow inferior.
Exxos: There is nothing wrong with inability, there is only something wrong with ability unused.
Ro-kun: yes
Exxos: For awhile now, I have been asking myself before bed, "Did I do my best today?" Too often I have told myself no. Now I see why, because I did not do anything those days. I think I just need to do my best tomorrow.
Exxos: No trying to, just do my best. If I fail, shrug and learn from it, not fear it, and do more.
Exxos: I do not have to try until I get it. I do it until I get it.
Exxos: Trying infers there is a success or failure. But that is not the point, the point is to do it until it is done.
Exxos: Then do it more.
Exxos: And when you look at it, and say, "I can't do better." You either give up until you realize you can, or you jump on it and do it more.
Exxos: Or perhaps you did do it as well as can be, then you wallow in the pride of it. biggrin
Ro-kun: heh
Ro-kun: so is today a success?
Ro-kun: is it safe to leave you to wallow in your pride?
Exxos: I think so.
Exxos: To both questions.
Exxos: The first step is the hardest
Exxos: but like a game when mom is screaming
Exxos: sometimes you just have to force it
Exxos: apprehension be damned
Exxos: because once it is in motion
Exxos: it gets easier
Exxos: and more fun
Exxos: and more enjoyable
Ro-kun: yeah
Exxos: that is tenacity
Exxos: the spit in the face, let's go!
Ro-kun: yup
Exxos: I can do this because I will do this.
Ro-kun: agreed
Ro-kun: go be successful
Ro-kun: get some sleep
Ro-kun: so tomorrow you can succeed again
Exxos: heh smile
Ro-kun: i am about to do the same
Exxos: okay
Ro-kun: tomorrow will be a success for both of us
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Posted: Sat Sep 26, 2009 11:15 am
Looks like you had a wonderful chat. Lots of wisdom in there. 3nodding I should apply some of that to my own life.
To add my own take to that I would say that changing habits takes practice. Sometime at first you have to force yourself to act as if you already have the attitude you desire -- even if you don't quite believe it yet. You have to make those new habits over time and build up your stamina so that when stressful things happen the old habits don't have such a grip on you. This is something I continue to work on myself.
(((((lots of hugs))))
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Posted: Tue Nov 17, 2009 11:07 am
Ex-If it's a dryer warmer climate that you need why not try Az, or NM, or even Califonia? It makes sense to me if Fla. is off the table, and you have panic attacks about being in public at school. Take school online like alot of people do. Look at me, I'm 4 credit hours away from having a PHD in criminalogy. (My biggest problem is that I have more to do in a day then there is day left to do it in.) I do wish you the best in what ever that you choose to do in life, and may GOD bless you in all of your endeavor's!!! smile
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Posted: Tue Nov 17, 2009 1:26 pm
I think I will Call this spot my home.
I love listening to other peoples Problems.
Im here to help if anybody is willing to tell.
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Posted: Tue Nov 17, 2009 3:01 pm
I require a moist, cool climate, literally 48º to 70º and over 70% humidity year round. It is intended to keep my skin slightly shocked, so I do not perspire and the blood vessels in my skin contract to the point where it lowers the rate of transference to the surrounding air. Too warm and I leak like a sieve, too cold and my body tries to stave off the cold and vents moisture at an accelerated rate. That said, Monterey or SF bay, CA seems to be the best option for the type of mediterranean climate I am prescribed. THough it does not look like I will ever get there at this rate.
I have tried online courses and have the same problems. It stems from a performance anxiety because I was expected to get a straight 4.0 since elementary school on top of a lot of other things being put on me. The panic is nowhere as severe, true, but I do not retain information from online courses well and my parents are too abusive to let me have time to focus at home anyway.
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Posted: Mon Dec 07, 2009 5:34 am
Hi all, I don't usually vent or come to anyone with problems but I am really facing the unknown, need help.
A friend just had twin grandsons born conjoined, very badly (I know the mom & dad too) the boys share heart, 1 lung and other organs. Not expected to live long. They are bring the boys home. Want them to pass on at home with family not in the hospital. I have not yet visited them.
Has anyone had to deal with this?
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Posted: Sat Dec 12, 2009 8:41 pm
Pink Fregia Hi all, I don't usually vent or come to anyone with problems but I am really facing the unknown, need help.
A friend just had twin grandsons born conjoined, very badly (I know the mom & dad too) the boys share heart, 1 lung and other organs. Not expected to live long. They are bring the boys home. Want them to pass on at home with family not in the hospital. I have not yet visited them.
Has anyone had to deal with this? I have not dealt with conjoined kids, but I have dealt with friends having infant deaths. It is hard to see this little person who is clinging to life, possibly suffering, and you know they will soon be gone... You probably do not want to see them and have this image, this life, touch yours and would rather have the knowledge of their existence and death without that tangible memory, without the form. But as a friend, you need to be their for your friends to support them, the child has their family for love and attention, but all of the concern is focusing on them and what your duty is would be to pick up the slack and be there for your friends. Do not patronize them or try to distract them or say things like "They're in a better place now" once they pass. Just give them your love and respect, if they want to talk about it, listen, if they need some help, do it. Do not coddle them, just support with a light touch and be sympathetic.
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Posted: Tue Dec 15, 2009 8:45 am
I saw my friend. She showed me a picture of them. It is really bad. They are now 14 days old and still going. I just keep praying Romans 8:28.
Thank you all for letting me dump the unthinkable here.
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Posted: Sat Feb 13, 2010 8:08 pm
May a bright, shining light encompass the lives of
these children because their shortened existence
is truly a tragic one. *sighs ever- so sadly* With
so many tragedies in the world, this is one of the
reasons why my only child is a cat, who had been
orphaned very early on.
*equally hopes for a long and brief existence for
the two of them*
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Posted: Sun Feb 21, 2010 11:46 pm
THis might belong in the vent thread or its own thread, I don't know, I think I need help or maybe just a slap upside the head, so it's here. I can barely focus my thoughts right now, so forgive me for rattling on or leaving things out.
I just don't want any of my friends hurting anymore, especially the close ones. It hurts to feel powerless and not be able to do squat for my friends or myself. I feel like a horrid person and a terrible, worthless excuse for a friend... even regarding myself as a best friend is laughable when I am so awful at it in general. I have friends falling apart all around me, four far more seriously than I can handle, and I can't do anything.
Domestic violence. Loss of trust and abandonment. Suicide. Depression. Disease. Combinations of all of the above... I can't even help. And the more I try to help, the more I screw up, make things worse, and/or am pushed away. My best friend especially. His mom is dying and his father keeps saying he's going to kill himself after his mom goes. He fears his grandparents will go soon too. He says he's all alone, has no one who cares about him, and has no friends (something that more than a little hurts me and sis). And when I said I cared, he basically wrote me off as going to be dead soon too – probably by my own hand, if not disease. I try to reach out, but I just get swatted away. He hides his feelings, buries them, and does not come to terms with any of it.
Sis' condition is linked to his and she is going through a lot on her own...
And so many other friends are just falling apart and I am powerless.
Maybe it is because of the broken horror of my life. Maybe I am just anxious, insane, and OCD. But I want to help so bad. I want to fix things and make them better. I know I can't just make it all better in a motion myself – I am not that stupid. But to try so hard and accomplish nothing? I can't seem to accept it anymore.
These people are some of the very pillars of my existence. Without them, I fall. I don't know what to do... They tell me I need to look out for myself, but they're too important to me to do so.
This comes in a time in my life where I am not seemingly strong enough to handle it either. Between getting sicker, the abuse, the distractions, the noise, the strain, not eating or drinking much, barely sleeping and when I do it is typically during the day; I can barely function, much less handle this. It is killing me that I cannot help, I cannot do anything at all, and it only drives me further into depression. I get to feel awful about myself and have it reaffirmed by my father and the events of my life every day.
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Posted: Mon Feb 22, 2010 6:40 am
Exxos THis might belong in the vent thread or its own thread, I don't know, I think I need help or maybe just a slap upside the head, so it's here. I can barely focus my thoughts right now, so forgive me for rattling on or leaving things out. I just don't want any of my friends hurting anymore, especially the close ones. It hurts to feel powerless and not be able to do squat for my friends or myself. I feel like a horrid person and a terrible, worthless excuse for a friend... even regarding myself as a best friend is laughable when I am so awful at it in general. I have friends falling apart all around me, four far more seriously than I can handle, and I can't do anything. Domestic violence. Loss of trust and abandonment. Suicide. Depression. Disease. Combinations of all of the above... I can't even help. And the more I try to help, the more I screw up, make things worse, and/or am pushed away. My best friend especially. His mom is dying and his father keeps saying he's going to kill himself after his mom goes. He fears his grandparents will go soon too. He says he's all alone, has no one who cares about him, and has no friends (something that more than a little hurts me and sis). And when I said I cared, he basically wrote me off as going to be dead soon too – probably by my own hand, if not disease. I try to reach out, but I just get swatted away. He hides his feelings, buries them, and does not come to terms with any of it. Sis' condition is linked to his and she is going through a lot on her own... And so many other friends are just falling apart and I am powerless. Maybe it is because of the broken horror of my life. Maybe I am just anxious, insane, and OCD. But I want to help so bad. I want to fix things and make them better. I know I can't just make it all better in a motion myself – I am not that stupid. But to try so hard and accomplish nothing? I can't seem to accept it anymore. These people are some of the very pillars of my existence. Without them, I fall. I don't know what to do... They tell me I need to look out for myself, but they're too important to me to do so. This comes in a time in my life where I am not seemingly strong enough to handle it either. Between getting sicker, the abuse, the distractions, the noise, the strain, not eating or drinking much, barely sleeping and when I do it is typically during the day; I can barely function, much less handle this. It is killing me that I cannot help, I cannot do anything at all, and it only drives me further into depression. I get to feel awful about myself and have it reaffirmed by my father and the events of my life every day. I just wanted to say that I'm really sorry for what you're feeling; I've had similar experiences (I'm not going to say the same because there is no such thing as the same in matters like these.) I believe feeling so helpless is just a trait of being human.Just as you are drowning in your own emotions so is everyone else. I think the only thing you can really do is be there, regardless of what they say they want or need. People who are in need of friendship, or consolation are always the quickest to disregard them and throw them away. The biggest thing to remember is that remaining to care, even though they have tried to make you feel like it doesn't matter; is the most, and the best that you can do for them. People who are so down themselves often find it hard to accept the love and care of others because the colliding emotions, the intensity of those two together is so harsh they feel like they cannot take it. They also feel like it would be wrong to make you care; they try to shut you out so they have no regrets, no reasons to hang on; to be strong. Just as you said they are your own pillars I'm sure it goes both ways, you're someone holding them up and they just want to crash and burn. I understand how tiresome the process of trying to be there for someone like that is, but it's worth it.You have to look out for yourself as well though, if it's taking to much out of you make sure you're giving yourself time to breathe. Try to do things that relax you. Even closing your eyes and just breathing for a moment can help. Also remind yourself that you are helping just by being there, and making it known that you're a friend. When you start thinking about everything all at once, and freaking out thinking that you're horrible; just try to shut up your mind and remember you're doing everything that you can; and everything that you can is just that, everything. I know I don't really know you so I hope nothing I said has offended you or you feel like I said something out of line. I hope you're feeling better.
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