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March 6, 2005

It has been long since I have written here, and I have much to say with no easy, logical way to say it. After Filix's confession of amorous feelings I have been beside myself, pacing my room with contemplation and serious consideration of this notion of courtship. I went to my best friend and liege, Cervus, for advice, and besides being shocked and warning me not to be rash, nothing fruitful came of the conversation. I fear he is as perplexed by the opposite sex as I.

While I realize it is cruel of me to keep Filix in the dark, I know not what to do. I have never been good with expressing feeling and have felt that I deal best with reason and logic instead of emotions. While my Kithain might offer good advice, I have been too embarassed to confront her with this and feel the need to confront this as an adult; it is not her issue, but my own.

After a full week of thought, I feel one more night's sleep may well bring me the tides of fortune in time and thought and I will have my epiphany; if not, I am resolved to make my mind in the morning. I have been urged my others to follow my heart on some matters, not just my head, and I feel it is best that in this case I carefully determine what I feel in the morning before taking my course of action.

As it is now early in the morning, I go to rest, so I hope to write perhaps later today when it is a decent hour or tomorrow to write here my exploits so I may remember them later.

Aesculus

April 3, 2005

Many things have transpired since I wrote last. Firstly, and of most importance, is that I have decided to court Filix. When I approached her and asked permission to do so she seemed quite happy with this choice, and we retired to my chambers so I could give her a cake. I must confess several times I felt emotions I was not so aware of before rise in my chest, and as she left I gave her a rather passionate farewell kiss. I feel I am driven mad with her charms, and although it is best I gain a hold of these feelings in part at least, I find at the same time I want to be prey to them.

Yesterday was my kithain's birthday, and I was of mind to at least wish her well wishes, but when I went home I found her strangely absent. It appears she is moving to an island and has gained a new charge, a foster sister of sorts for me, named Delta. Evidently she is quite ecstatic over having a daughter and being a mother again. She is one of the few people I know who seems to take so instantly, so maternally for creatures (even myself) in distress, I can't fathom what love she'd have for a child of her own. I even caught from my foster brother's grumbles she fancies a man. I have to admit I am hopeful my kithain will find a happiness that both my foster brother and I have discovered.

I feel myself a poor servant of the court so tied to my personal life I assist it not when it's troubled, but so turned about I feel and without Cervus's beckoning, I am at a loss. Onuris suggested I get something for Filix as a sign of affection and courtship, and I think perhaps I will set out for something tomorrow if I find myself the time.

Sincerely,
Aesculus

It has been a long time, my friend, since I have written in here, but I return now. Many things have occured since I have scribbled in this tome, and I hope to start this habit of recording events once again.

Almost two weeks ago my kithain grew very ill and was rushed off to seek treatment. The details were sketchy and recieved from her sister. Although many Fey seem not to keep in close contact with their kithain, I find fostering my friendship with her and remaining close is far more rewarding than anything. I worried for her, but as of late she is much better and back to her daily activities.

In her abscense I decided to go to the forest. With the Moon Court now growing numbers, I thought it would be prudent of me to fashion myself my favorite weapon. I dislike fighting, but it is necessary, and when my king and friend returns I wish to be able to defend our home beside him. It was for this reason I had to hunt myself a thick, strong branch in the forest. At first I considered felling a small tree for my purpose, but then decided a long, strong branch of an old tree would be less destructive. It took many hours of searching before I found a sturdy oak.

It is strange to come across your totem. This large, sturdy tree was a proud member of the forest, stretching its limbs across and above the forest's canopy gracefully. Leaves were swaying in a slight breeze, making the most soothing rustling sound. Laying my hand upon its trunk I begged forgiveness for taking a branch. I promised to make a staff from it that would be used only for protection and justice and that its sacrifice would be remembered. I knew a branch could grow back, but to take from my totem seemed... strange. I suppose I revere it as sacred. After I cut off the branch with a small saw I realized that a new limb would grow soon. It was not a mortal wound... but that did not make my reverance any less. Carefully I carried the large limb back to the castle after praying to the sun and old gods to watch over this noble tree.

It was then that I spent many days in my room toiling with but a small knife. Whittling exercises many of the muscles in the arm- and I am ashamed to admit how sore I became. Shavings started to occupy a corner of my room, and the mice seemed to enjoy the strange mess of wood chips. By the time my kithain was back from her 10-day leave I had smoothed the limb into a staff fit for use. There are still knobs and it is slightly bent- but this is its character. It is what gives it strength. When I showed it to Syrenrei she gave me some thin strips of leather to wrap around the top so my grip will be more sure should I need to use it.

In my hermit's seclusion I have not seen Countess Filix. I have found that my head has become clear again, rationality and wisdom returned. The same time I celebrate I find myself missing her... much like the powerful sense of loss I feel without my parents. It is as if she has a power over my I do not yet understand, although I might perhaps know its name and nature.

Lastly, on the subject of my parents, I have found purpose in the chaos. While others can go on, the mystery of what has happened to all the adults haunts me at night. Patience here awards nothing; I need some sort of closure. Acceptance of what has passed cannot be obtained when is not even sure of the past. Knowledge of what happened to them might also help us survive.

My ambition is to learn to commune with my totem.. the powerful oak trees who live for so long and are always in the same places. I feel that where books fail, history is best found in the world around us.

-Aesculus