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 Posted: Mon Feb 25, 2008 3:45 pm
AISH!!!! SOOOOOO SWEET!!!!!
And just when I thought it couldn't get any sweeter and mushier, you go and pull this chapter out of your little genius head!!!! whee
4laugh I can't WAIT to see how you're going to end this!
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Posted: Tue Feb 26, 2008 7:03 pm
 It's the way you make me laugh...Annime stole the words right out of my mouth~
GaaaaaIII
can't...wait until... he... -ceeeeennnsssoooor spooooillllerrr-s...
...when I don't even want to smile.
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Posted: Wed Feb 27, 2008 12:59 pm
I know I haven't commented in a while but...
TT_____TT So sad! I can't believe it's all winding down already.
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Posted: Thu Mar 13, 2008 3:49 am
Sorry i haven't replied for so long...it's been busy here...
But thank you for the dedicated chapter, i loved it!! heart
The last chapter was so sweet...i wish this story never ends!
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Posted: Fri Mar 14, 2008 2:48 pm
Chapter 34: Wang Zhi (Prince)Dedicated to x__yourstruly, thank you for all the support that you have shown throughout this whole process. This fanfic would not have gone on as long as it has without your help. This one's for you.There is so much that I don't understand in this world. So much that I want to know, so much that I want to learn. There’s so much to this world that is still veiled behind the doors of knowledge. Perhaps, it’s my indifference, no, my hatred towards the aspect of love that had originally made me so ignorant. Perhaps it was my dislike towards all the drama that’s involved with it.
Funny how I’m running right back to the things I hate.
I wonder as I sit there and wait to get off the plane. I wonder, what was it that changed me? What was it that made me who I am? The one who's running back to a country once hated, the lone girl who only wanted to get enough money to write? I thought that was my dream.
“It still is, you just found something that's actually right in your life.”
Something right, that's a funny thought. I had never thought that I would find something 'right'. It's so hard to find those little treasured moments, those memories that forever stick onto a human mind. I had always envied those people around me, the ones that were always so happy with their family, their life, the people that they cared about the most. It hurt so much to see everyone so happy while I had absolutely nothing to myself. It hurt so much to see everyone with something to live for.
All I had back then was just me, myself, my 'best friends' and my writing. The thing that had kept me alive for so long. The very essence of my life. The simple beauty that words can carve into the immovable mountains, it's the reason I can keep going.
That was the me from before.
But somehow, just somehow, there's been some sort of change, a clearing from the thunderstorm of life. Somehow, just somehow from within all this chaos, and all of this pain, I'm able to find happiness and solace from all of it.
Just hearing his voice was enough to send me running. There's no guarantee that I'll ever be sane around him again. I've become just like one of those fangirls, swooning and running at him. But, the funny thing is, I don't mind one bit.
There's a little part of me that's still skeptical, a little part that's constantly complaining about going back to Korea. There's still that little part that still thinks it's all a lie, a sham to get to whatever I had. There's still that little voice in the back of my head that's constantly whining about the feeling that I have towards my uncouth prince of a foreign land.
“What do you have to gain from this?”
What DO I exactly have to gain from this?
Nothing. That's the answer.
I have nothing to gain other than the happy, elated feeling of being in heaven around him. I have nothing to lose but my sanity. I have nothing to gain, nothing to lose, why should I worry? Perhaps my pessimistic side just wants to protect me from the pain that I've gone through, perhaps my cynical side wants to make sure that he's the one. Whatever it is, I can't help but want to ignore it.
For once, there's something that's not wrong with my life. For once there's someone else who cares about me. Raphael, my heart used to think only of his beautiful face, his strong arms, his perfection, thinking back, I wonder if it was right to break it off with him. But now that I really look back, it's for the better good. He has a company to run and his marriage was decided for him, I can only pray for his happiness. It really was for the better good.
Ha, better good, what an odd phrase. It's like as if saying 'good' wasn't enough. It's as if saying that all we can ever hope to be is a little better than 'good' and never 'perfect'. But, at the same time, what is it that I can describe the absolute bliss within his arms? What can I use to describe the feeling of melting when he speaks? What can I use to do justice to his scent? His persona? His very being? What can I use?
Other than the word... perfect?
And the sad thing is, I don't know him.
The sad thing is, I don't know him as well as he knows me. It's so sad how much I want to see him, it's so sad how much I want to hold him again, to be protected by him, against all the odds that are against the two of us. It hurts, it hurts to know that he knows so much about me, but I know almost nothing about him.
It's scary as well, the thought that he doesn't need to talk to me so much to know almost everything. It's scary that he knows so much about me, all the right things to say, the right things to do, what do I have to say to this? What can I say other than he's the perfect prince?
Not the one I imagined, no, never that, but in his own way, he's molded himself to fit into that vision that I had so long ago and swept me off my feet.
But what do you have to gain?
Nothing, but the tears of joy when I saw him. Nothing but his scent and his strong embrace when I had nothing to lose but myself. Nothing, but myself. I have nothing to lose. And I have nothing to gain. Nothing but the ability to be happy once again.
Happy like I was before I was forced to grow up.
“Hey there, did you miss me?”
“Of course I did you idiot, why else do you think I came back?”
Those simple words, they're enough to make me want to cry. His scent is enough to bring back every single memory involving him, including the first words that he had ever said to me.
“You b***h, what sort of bullshit design is this?!
Funny how times have changed the two of us. It's funny how long the past three days have been. It's felt like months, years, eons almost since I've last seen him. It's funny how slow time seems to be at times like these. It's funny how those first words have changed to the last ones I heard from him over the phone.
“I miss you... come back...”
So much has happened, so much has taken place since I had stepped foot into this country. I had thought that I would just make the money that I needed as an intern, leave, write, and never have to see the pretentious and snobbish faces of the celebrity world ever again.
It's so odd how time works on humans.
“Maybe to get your stuff and to leave me alone forever?”
“Why would I do that?”
“Hey... Hey! Are you crying?! Shouldn't you be happy?!”
“These are tears of happiness dammit!”
“Right... right...”
I didn't have to see his face to feel his smile, the sound of his heart was enough to tell me that he was glad that I was back. The scent of his sweat mingled with his strong cologne was enough to tell me that this was real. The feel of his hand gently petting my hair was enough to tell me that my fairy tale had finally come true.
All that's left is the 'happily ever after.'
“Hey... come on... let's get you back inside. Everyone else is waiting for you back at the apartment.”
“You could have just all come to the airport you know...”
“And have the whole female population of Korea come and tag along? I don't think so.”
“You've got a point there.”
“I'm glad you're back.”
“So am I.... but I'm sure the fangirls and the media aren't.”
“Who ever said that love was an easy thing?”
“Well, as they say, the course of love never did run smooth.”
“Sure... whatever you say.”
The car ride was pretty uneventful other than a quick briefing of what had conspired over the three days that I had magically disappeared. Sungmin had thought I had gone out to save the world, Hankyung apparently stared at the phone that I dropped for a few minutes and then stared at the hall way just standing there right after I left and well, Yunho himself just wondered.
I suppose the lovely broadcast of my friend's funeral helped clear things up a bit.
“Why didn't you tell me?”
“Tell you what?”
“That your friend was dying?”
“Well. When you get a phone from one of your best friends since grade school that your best friend that you've known even before school is in the hospital, dying of a disease with no cure, I'm sure that you wouldn't exactly have time to go back and explain to the other people in the room what's going on.”
“I guess you have a point there... Oh... wow... we're already here?”
“Well, the airport's only a ten minute car ride from the apartment... I don't see why you're so surprised.”
“Maybe it's because I've never timed going to the airport.”
“Maybe you should be more observant of your surroundings.”
“Maybe you should quit being so snarky.”
“Maybe that's just the way I a---- WHOA SUNGMIN!!!”
“MOMMY! You're BACK!”
I was confronted by a full on assault by a five foot eight inch man who seemed to have launched himself off of something or another. I never thought someone could run that fast at all. I hadn't exactly expected to be greeted in this fashion. Nor did I expect to have knocked off my feet and to be suddenly be the victim of a bone crushing hug.
“S-sungmin... I need to breath... and... I think there's head trauma somewhere in there...”
“I missed you so much, mommy! Hankyung got mad at me for trying to make a Napoleon.”
“That's... lovely.... I still... need to breath...”
I don't think he heard me. Instead, if possible, the hug got even tighter.
“I didn't do anything wrong! I just forgot to set the timer on and burned it a bit!”
“Sungmin... breathing... important... function to life....”
“You only burned it a bit? You mean you nearly set our apartment on fire!”
Hankyung's voice chimed in from behind somewhere, not that I could see, my vision was going a lovely shade of black at that point. I wonder what part of 'let go' does this guy not understand?
“No one died!”
“Uhm... Sungmin... She's turning a slight shade of purple... you might want to let go.”
Once again, I was saved by my very uncouth prince. He's definitely not the definition of 'prince' in any way, but, I can't help but see him as some sort of noble.
“Oh, right... oops. You alright mommy?”
“I think you only bruised my trachea but other than that, I'm fine.”
“Hey! Sungmin! It's time for our appointment!”
“Do I HAVE to?! Mommy just got back!”
“Yes. You do.”
“But Hankyung! Mommy just got back!”
“You've already tried that! And anyways, you know how important this show is!”
“Fine. But stay up late so we can celebrate okay mommy!”
I debated for a moment on whether or not to go along with the motherly figure sayings or just to say good bye to him. But then I remembered how precious every moment with everyone was. I remembered how everyone only had a limited amount of time, that the next moment, if I blinked, the people that I cared about so much would be gone.
I might as well play along, just for the memories.
“I'll stay up for you! Be safe, dear.”
“... My precious Yashi's grown up to be a fine mother.”
“I'm going to smack you, Yunho.”
“No you're not.”
“Yes I am.”
“No you're not.”
“What proof do you have that I'm not going to smack you silly?”
“Because you love me.”
“Oh? Is that so?”
“Why else would you have come back here?”
“I could have decided to have come back to take my stuff and leave you alone forever.”
“Wait. WHAT?!”
“... I was joking. Idiot. I couldn't leave you even if you told me to. You need too much coddling to be left out alone.”
“Right, that's what they ALWAYS say...”
“Did you eat while I was gone?”
“Uhm... no?”
“Wash?”
“I think... so...”
“Sleep?”
“Barely?”
“Act like a zombie and eat plates instead of food?”
“...I think I did that once.”
“I rest my case.”
“But... I have good reasons to have done all of that!”
“And what would they be?”
“One... I missed you. And two... I finished writing that song.”
“You did... did you?”
“Yeah... You want to hear to it?”
“Sure...”
And hand in hand, with my prince, I started life once again for his sake, for my sake, for the sake of everyone I know. I started all over again with my perfect, uncouth prince that I love so dearly.
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Posted: Fri Mar 14, 2008 4:45 pm
Aw, YunHo's everything PLUS perfect!!
Yet again, the picture of perfection. And you were all freaking out at the beginning over your computer crashing. rolleyes
Keep it up!! heart
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Posted: Sat Mar 15, 2008 4:52 pm
Chapter 35: Jue Bie Shi (Farewell Poem)Dedicated to Quibie who's been with this fanfic from the very beginning of its publication. I thank you so much from the bottom of my heart for all of your support. Words cannot express my gratitude. This one's for you. I've only heard him play once before this time, and yet, I can already tell that there's so much passion in those hands of his. There's so much passion that he wants to show the world. He's a catalyst for the world's music, and this song that he wrote is the most beautiful form of it all.
Pure unaltered beauty.
I would hate to scar it with my words. I would hate to see this song be broken apart by the words that I'll eventually add, I don't think I could do anything to help this masterpiece. It's a shame that the only thing I can do is to mar it with imperfect, bumbling, ugly words.
“So, what do you think?”
“... It's perfect.”
“It'll be better when you and I think about the lyrics.”
“Then it won't be perfect anymore.”
I can weave together words to create a story, I can stitch lines together to create a cloth of fantasy, but to put together emotions as deep as unrequited love, I can't do that. I can only do so much, I'm only human, I can't... create the miracle of emotion, just, life. That's all I can do.
“Sure it will. Just think... what's the first thing that comes up into your head?”
“I don't know....”
“Come on, I know you can do better than that. Screw the whole unrequited love theme. What does it remind you of?”
“The three long days that we spent apart.”
“Okay, let's work off of that. Ah, s**t, I've got rehearsal now, why don't you work on it while I'm gone? I promise I'll be back soon.”
“I'll be counting the hours.”
“Do I get a goodbye kiss from the mother?”
“Of course not, you're not the child.”
“Ah damn, so close.”
“Just get to work, I'll figure something out for this...”
Yes, work off of that feeling of loneliness that the two of us felt for three agonizing days. Work off on the idea of missing someone. Let's work with the idea of love so deep, affection so strong that through three short days, it felt like weeks, months, years even.
Scratch, scratch, scratch....
When was the last time I had heard this noise? The comforting scribble of pen against paper? When was the last time I heard the comforting sound of creation? So long ago it seems. The last time I had ever written anything for myself seem so long ago. I should just let go, let the feelings go and just simply do what I'm good at. And that is to create.
Create something from the nothing that I was given. Create something that will go with the beautiful, perfect melody of love, affection and life that Yunho had written. I have to create a soul for the beautiful body that he had made from his talents.
It's been so long, baby
So many hours, so many days
I have these words in my heart that I would still like to say to you
Saranghaeyo Saranghaeyo
How long has it been since I've known him? How long has it been since I've been in love with him? Better yet, this is his song, how long has it been since he's known me? Love me? Wanted me to be with him?
What does he feel for me? How does it feel for a guy? What does he feel when he's on the stage? What does he feel when he knows I'm not down there cheering him on like all the other girls in the crowd? Is he as alone as he feels? Does he feel the loneliness that I felt when I was gone and mourning? Does he feel all of it? Or does his passion for music hide the pain that he feels?
Standing on a lonely stage
The spotlight elongating my shadow
The music repeats our shared sadness
Every time I sing in a concert
Imagine, how he feels in front of all those fans. Imagine, how he feels when he's out there, knowing full well that I won't be there. How is it, that he can't cry in front of all those fans? Where does that strength come from?
Tap... tap, tap tap....
I hate writer's block. If there's something in this world that I hate, it's the giant invisible blockage in my brain any time I need to get something done, it's the invisible wall that's so tall and intimidating, an insurmountable wall of just nothing.
But I have to get over it, climb past that wall and make it to the other side.
I have to make it, so that this child of our, this brain child, this being that had started because of our bond can live. I have to make it. I want the people to hear this, know the pain that we suffered, I want them to hear our heartaches when we were separated. And I want them to know, the uncertainty of love, how painful it is. I want to know what it feels like to truly love someone.
I cannot just forget that you won't be there tomorrow
In my heart, we'll never be apart In my heart, we'll never be apart
Residues of the fragrance left on my hand reminds me
The promise I left in the memories we made
It's funny, how he's never taken a single picture of the two of us together. It's funny how just the memory of being together is enough. It's funny how there's never really been the need for little souvenirs of our time together. We only need each other, it's a mutual understanding that memories that aren't recorded are the ones that are most remembered. It's odd, how we've only known each other for such a short amount of time, but at the same time, we understand so much about each other.
Dear God, I haven't talked to you in a while, I know. But, I just want to know, why is it that only good people have bad things happen to them? Why is it in general that bad things happen in the first place when you made this whole world good? Do you think you could ever tell me why?
But God, even though you and I haven't had the greatest relationship in the whole world, I still want to thank you for being there even though right now, I'm sure I'm just thinking to the air. I want to thank you for making this all happen for me.
So that I can write this farewell poem to the world.
Saranghaeyo means "I love you"
Saranghaeyo means "I love you"
It represents how I cannot leave you, every minute, every second, every sound
I will love you, and forever more
A poem filled with the pain of leaving, a poem filled with the will, the want, the urge to be with the one that we all love, that is what I write. A poem, a farewell poem that speaks to everyone and everything that has ever loved and lost whether it be friend, family, lover, or animal, we all love and we all cannot live without it, just as we cannot live without loss.
We all grow up to learn things, we learn what we dislike, what we abhor, what we hate the most in the world, and then we learn what we like, what we treasure, what we love. It's all a process that we as humans go through, we learn to hold on and we learn how to love someone or something above life itself. But in the end, we all must learn how to let go.
Even if it's painful, even if it tears our hearts apart and makes us wish that we had never learned to do something such as to care, we learn to let go, and we learn how to move on. We learn how to move on and accept our impermanence in this world.
Every part of me belongs to you Saranghaeyo means "I love you"Saranghaeyo means "I love you"
It represents how I cannot leave you, every minute, every second, every sound
I will tell only you I will love you, and forevermore I will love you, and forevermore
Oh, baby, I will love you because I belong to you
Hey non nonny, nonny, hey nonny
I love you because I belong to you
Hey non nonny, nonny, hey nonny
Saranghaeyo means “I love you”
Hey non nonny, nonny, hey nonny
Doubt thou the stars are fire,
Doubt that the sun doth move,
Doubt truth to be a liar,
But never doubt that I love.
Saranghaeyo means “I love you”
Saranghaeyo means “I love you”
But even though we are impermanent, even though we as humans wither away, the aspect of love is so strong in our hearts and in our minds that we tirelessly work towards being together no matter what the circumstances. We all run towards our princes and wish that they'll catch us when we fall.
That's the most that any of us can wish for in our lives.
“Hey... What are you doing here lounging around?”
“I'm not lounging, Hankyung, I'm uh... pondering the aspect of writing a beautifully created piece of work for another beautifully created piece of work.”
“You're not making any sense.”
“I'm helping Yunho write the lyrics to his song.”
“Can I see?”
“... No.”
“Why not?”
“Because I said so.”
“Oh come on now, what's so wrong about it? You're willing to let him see it but not me?”
“Exactly, it's his song, not yours.”
“You're mean.”
“Haven't we established this a long time ago?”
“I just like saying it.”
“Hmm... I can tell. So let me think. Since you're back already probably means that my child's back as well. I'm surprised I haven't been att-----”
“MOMMY! SUNGMIN IS HOME!!!!!”
“I spoke too soon.”
“Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Let's go bake cookies for daddy when he comes home!”
“... I'm almost afraid of doing that, considering I heard that you nearly burned down your own apartment over the three days I was gone.”
“But!! How else are we going to celebrate?!”
“No idea... Why don't you come up with something? You're the one who thought of it in the first place.”
“But I don't WANNA think of something else!”
“Well, too bad for you.”
“Come on! With you around, we should be able to make cookies without burning the place down.”
“Uhm... Do we even have the ingredients needed to make cookies in the first place?”
“... Good question, do we?”
“How should I know? This is Yunho's apartment.”
“How'd you guys get in here in the first place?”
“We used the front door.”
“Okay then.”
“Hey! Daddy Yunho's back!”
“When did you two become mother and father to that child?”
“I have no idea myself. I think it involved a red paper, some cake, and a very groggy, sleep deprived me.”
“That might just explain a lot of it.”
“Daddy! Daddy! Did you bring me something from work?”
“That interview sure went fast.”
“Yeah, about that... we sorta... got canceled, SM didn't want us appearing for some odd reason, something to do with the politics of the station and what not”
“Okay. Sounds good enough to me. That means I get to spend more time with you.”
“And the rest of this demented family that somehow appeared. How DID you guys get in?”
“Apparently through the front door and not the fire escape. Or, at least, that's what Hankyung's told me.”
“He's a trustworthy guy.”
“We'll be taking our leave now and leaving you two love birds alone.”
“But I don't wanna leave! Daddy just got back!”
“Right, and it's time to give you your bottle and go to bed.”
“Mommy! Why do you have to be so mean!”
“It's late. You're young, and last time I checked, children need sleep.”
“You're mother has a point. Let's get out of here before we have issues waking up tomorrow.”
“Fine. Be that way.”
“Good night, Sungmin, I'll see you tomorrow.”
“Good night, Mommy! Good night, Daddy!”
“I wonder when he's going to get out of this mother, father stage...” Yunho pouted slightly looking at the door that had just closed and the two Super Junior members had left the apartment. “He makes me feel so much older than I should be.”
“Who knows, it's cute.”
He's so cute when he sulks. It's so funny how he's older than me and yet, still, he acts like a child. It's so cute that I have to play along with him as the 'mother' figure just to get him to do something. Maybe he misses his parents. Maybe he's homesick, whatever it is, it's almost a comforting feeling that he clings onto like such a child. I once told myself that I would hate children, but I suppose this overgrown one isn't too bad.
“So, how did the song writing go?”
“Here's what I have.”
It's been so long, baby
So many hours, so many days
I have these words in my heart that I would still like to say to you
Saranghaeyo Saranghaeyo
Standing on a lonely stage
The spotlight elongating my shadow
The music repeats our shared sadness
Every time I sing in a concert
I cannot just forget that you won't be there tomorrow
In my heart, we'll never be apart In my heart, we'll never be apart
Residues of the fragrance left on my hand reminds me
The promise I left in the memories we made
Saranghaeyo means "I love you"
Saranghaeyo means "I love you"
It represents how I cannot leave you, every minute, every second, every sound
I will love you, and forever more
Every part of me belongs to you Saranghaeyo means "I love you"Saranghaeyo means "I love you"
It represents how I cannot leave you, every minute, every second, every sound
I will tell only you I will love you, and forevermore I will love you, and forevermore
Oh, baby, I will love you because I belong to you
Hey non nonny, nonny, hey nonny
I love you because I belong to you
Hey non nonny, nonny, hey nonny
Saranghaeyo means “I love you”
Hey non nonny, nonny, hey nonny
Doubt thou the stars are fire,
Doubt that the sun doth move,
Doubt truth to be a liar,
But never doubt that I love.
Saranghaeyo means “I love you”
Saranghaeyo means “I love you”
A small smile graced his face when he read the words. There was a silence for a moment, I swear I could hear my own heart beating against my chest. I could have sworn I could have died that moment. I could have sworn anything could have happened then.
Anything except for what was to happen next.
He cried.
“Hey... wait, what's wrong?”
“It's beautiful. It really is. I'm only sad that I have to screw it up with my music.”
“It should be the other way around. Now quit crying, you're going to start making me cry too.”
“But what if I want you to cry? What if I want you to cry so I can hold you and hug you and comfort you in your time of need?”
“What if it didn't matter if I'm crying or not? I'm fine with you just hugging me too.”
“Really? Are you serious?”
“If I wasn't serious, then would I have suggested it in the first place?”
“You've got a point. But really, this is beautiful. Just like you.”
I had no response to those words. I don't think I ever will have a response to those words. I didn't have a response to what he said and did next either.
“Yashi, I know that we've only been together for a really short amount of time. And I know you're probably skeptical about all of this. But, I just want to let you know that I love you with all my heart and my soul.” He got onto one knee from where I was sitting, and looked up before continuing to speak. “I know that we started out really rough, I think the first words that I ever said to you was 'you b***h', and I regret ever saying those two words to you...But I don't regret ever meeting you, I don't regret every moment that I've known you. And most of all, I don't regret loving every moment that you've been in my life. It all amounts to these last few words that I want to say to you, and the lyrics of the song say it so well for me. Saranghaeyo, means 'I love you.' Yashi Mogami, will you marry me?”
“Will you marry me?”
He produced a small velvet box from his pocket. From the look in his eyes, he was completely sincere, but his history with love made me worry. He had gotten over his first girlfriend so easily, what were the chances that he would do the same to me?
“Please, I know that my previous choices in women and how much I loved them haven't exactly been the best, but for once, I think, I've found the person that I want to be with for the rest of my life. Yashi, will you take me for your husband?”
Inside the box was the most gorgeous ring I had ever seen. I had thought the one that he had nonchalantly tossed to me on Christmas was beautiful, but this one, this one was something else. Where as the first ring from so long ago was a cold crystalline sort of beauty, this one shone with the warmth and the strength of his love that I had grown so accustomed to, sparkling heart cut diamond set on a pedestal and bordered with two equally beautiful tear shaped diamonds all engraved in a warm golden band.
It was then when I knew, knew that he was sincere in his words and that he felt how right it was for the two of us to be together. Through all the hardships and heartaches that we've suffered, somehow, the two of us had found a way to love and somehow, just somehow, it felt so right.
“... Yes, Yunho. Yes...”
There weren't any other words that I could get out other than those two. As eloquent as I had trained myself to be, as gifted with a silver tongue as I want to be, I couldn't think of anything else to say. I couldn't hold back the tears of gratitude that I had felt. I couldn't hold back the feeling of being with the man that I had hated so much in the beginning. I just couldn't believe that we could hold a future together, it felt as if my heart could burst from the sheer elation that I felt. I couldn't believe how right this all felt.
“Tell me those are tears of happiness.”
“They are, Yunho, they are.”
Saranghaeyo, I love you, forevermore.
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Posted: Sun Mar 16, 2008 8:09 am
I believe that it is safe to say that....
THIS WAS THE BEST CHAPTER.
Ever.
I love it. Love it love it love it.
Sappy fanfics are always the best kind~
“Hmm... I can tell. So let me think. Since you're back already probably means that my child's back as well. I'm surprised I haven't been att-----”
“MOMMY! SUNGMIN IS HOME!!!!!”
Aahh. Gotta love Sungmin. xD
And I applaud you! Two awesome chapters in two days. *o*
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Posted: Sun Mar 16, 2008 3:01 pm
Chapter 36: Dui Bu Qi (Sorry) “Piùmi duol che tu m'hai colto ne la miseria dov tu mi vedi che quando fui de l'altra vita tolto”
If there had ever been a time when I was this happy, it would be when I had finally graduated college with a degree in English. If there was ever a time where I could walk on air, it would be the time I got my first book published. But if there was ever a time when I just beamed with happiness and nothing could bring me down, not ever, it would be now.
Being back at work had never brought me such joy. I had always thought that I wouldn't fit in. I figured that with my upbringing there wouldn't be a place for me in this country. But how wrong was I? To have found someone who was willing to make a place for me in his life so that I could live with him until the end.
I feel like my heart could just burst with happiness. It's as if there's a magical spell that's been laid on me right after he slipped the ring on my finger and I had somehow become the princess that I've always dreamed of when I was younger. It as was if there was nothing that could stop us. There's something so beautiful about being in love. I never really thought about it until now. Just the thought of someone so close to you and willing to spend the rest of their life with you. I never thought it could bring such simple bliss.
”I suffer more because you've caught me in this, the misery you see, than I suffered when taken from the other life.”
“You're really good at just sitting there staring out at the window when there's about three days left until DBSK's next concert.”
“Don't patronize me, Hankyung, I was happily thinking about how amazing the concert will be.”
“Don't lie, I can tell you're just happy that you're getting married.”
“That too. Why are you here?”
“Two reasons. One, my visa didn't let me go onto the next show that everyone else is on, and two, I decided now would be a good time to be a hawk and stare at you to make sure you get this stuff done.”
“I will be done! I've only been gone for what? Three? Maybe four days? All that needs to be done is just the finishing touches.”
“You're unbelievable you know that?”
“And what makes you say that?”
“Well, when you randomly left, there was barely anything here but a bunch of scraps of cloth and here you've already got pretty much all of them done. How do you do it?”
“Hankyung, there's a very interesting phrase where I come from and it's 'sleep is for the weak, caffeine is your ultimate drug of choice.' does that help you any?”
“I'm going to say yes. Whatever that means.”
“In other words. Screw sleep and work.”
“Oh... right. And this is how everything is done?”
“That's the way the world works. You don't get something done in time for the deadline, you're fired. It doesn't matter if you're the president of the United States, the King of England, or whatever, when someone has deadlines to meet. He should meet them. Simple as that. And I need to make up for the time I was gone.”
“I see.... OUCH What the Hell?! Why is there a pin cushion here?”
“Because I put it there for my convenience and not for your a** to sit on.”
“You're mean...”
“Only when I want to be.”
“So when's the wedding?”
“Tomorrow. Over my dead body.”
“Really?”
“No. We haven't figured out when yet, probably within the year though.”
“And what makes you think that?”
“I don't know. It's just a thought.”
“Right, how many hours of sleep did you get last night?”
“Uhm... somewhere between two to three hours in here I think.”
“You slept in the studio.”
“Why not? It's got enough clothes to make a suitable bed.”
“You slept... in the STUDIO.”
“Yes and?”
“Are you crazy?”
“That question's only relevant when you're comparing two or more people. Who are you comparing me to?”
“I'm comparing you to the rest of the population.”
“Then no, I'm sure there's someone out there that's less sane than I am.”
“And what makes you say that?”
“I'm going to quote Edgar from King Lear for you to prove my point. 'When we our betters see bearing our woes, We scarcely think our miseries our foes. Who alone suffers suffers most I' th' mind. Leaving free things and happy shows behind. But then the mind much sufferance doth o'erskip When grief hath mates and bearing fellowship.'”
“Uhm... one more time? In normal common language please your majesty?”
“When we see people better than us suffering the same thing, we get the feeling that we're suffering less. It's the same thing with insanity. Or in your words my state of 'crazy'. There are just other people who have worse cases of craziness than I do.”
“Uh huh... Maybe I should tell Yunho that he's going to end up marrying someone who's crazy compared to him.”
“Well why don't you tell him I'm sorry that I can't be perfect.”
“Tell who that you can't be perfect?”
“Oh! Yunho! Practice is over already?”
“Yeah, they want us to rest up for the concert.”
“It's two days away, dear, I don't see why you have to rest.”
“Are you telling me that you're willing to work me to death for this concert?”
“Don't you guys always work yourselves to death even without my coaxing?”
“Ooh... Lover's quarrel... I'm debating on whether or not to get a bowl of popcorn and watch this.”
“Hankyung, you can be quite a b*****d when the time calls for it.”
“Yes, and last time I checked, you're every bit as mean as I am.”
“I'm not going to deny it.”
“And I'm not going to deny that you've locked yourself in here for long enough. Come on, I'm taking you out.”
“Where?”
“To somewhere special, where else?”
“Does it involve you wearing a giant trench coat and a hat and calling it 'incognito?'”
“No, but it's somewhere cool. Come on. You're welcome to come along if you want, Hankyung.”
“Nah, I'd hate to break up your date for being the third wheel. I'm gonna go back and practice for our next live.”
“You do that. We'll be watching. Come on, Yashi, let's go.”
“Of course.”
I could never get over how warm and comforting his hands are. The way that they carry an aura of authority. His hands are an everlasting source of power and a source of trust that I can find myself putting my whole heart and soul in.
“So... where are you taking me?”
“Somewhere amazing.”
“Last time you said that I ended up in your room listening to a train wreck of a song.”
“But it got better didn't it?”
“I guess....”
“Look. We're here.”
“A concert hall? This is what you wanted to show me? The next place that you're going to perform in? No offense... but it's not exactly very flattering. If you know what I mean.”
“What? Are you saying it's not awesome?”
“Exactly what I'm saying.”
“E detto l'ho perché doler ti debbia.”
“But... you haven't even walked inside! Come on. I promise it'll be cool.”
“Fine. If you say so.”
Hand in hand we walked through the large double doors that towered over us and into the empty hall. It was huge. Larger than any of the ones that I had seen before, it was just majestic in every single way possible. Grand arching beams supported the dome where sound could fault itself around and reach even the furthest seat.
The hugeness of it all, all the seats, all the red plush seats that soon would be filled. I could only imagine what it would be like to stand in front of all the people that would soon eagerly sit and watch as my fiancé and his group would perform. It was a mind boggling thought, all those women that he could have chosen from, and yet from all those beautiful women that he could have chosen from, he chose me. Of all the people in this world, I couldn't feel more blessed to be with him at that moment.
“I told you it's amazing.”
“Yeah... it is.”
“Follow me, there's something else I want to show you.”
He led me towards the center of the stage where it was dimly lit and in the center stood a grand black piano. A fine instrument that stood out against the great dome. I could only imagine what else he wanted to show me. He sat down at the seat that waited expectantly and started to play the song that I had grown so accustomed to him playing.
Each not resonated with such a passion, with such a beautiful power that echoed itself around the empty hall that I couldn't imagine what it would be like when it was filled with thousands upon thousands of fans. I could only wish that they could feel the emotions that were put into this song, I could only hope that they found the meaning in the song that we had put into this piece. I could only pray that they would understand where all of this came from.
It really was a beautiful song, his voice proved that, every note, every word flowed from his lips so smoothly. It was listening to velvet, each note accompanied by a gorgeous word, it brought tears to my eyes and I couldn't help but feel a strong, painful constriction in my heart. Part of me said that there was something wrong. There shouldn't be something like this happening. Another part just simply told me it was the love I felt.
And yet, another part, was begging forgiveness from him. A small part of my mind was saying the word 'sorry' over and over again.
I didn't know why until the world started to spin and turn black.
I didn't know why my mind kept on saying that word until I heard my own body hit the hard wooden floor of the stage. I didn't know any of it until I understood, half conscious why I was so sorry.
I didn't understand until I heard the music stopped.
I was sorry that I wouldn't live to see him sing this to me life.
I was sorry that I would have to go.
I was sorry that I knew at that point, that I was going to die.
I was sorry for everything.
I was sorry that I didn't understand this until it was too late.
And I have told you this to make you grieve.
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Posted: Sun Mar 16, 2008 6:29 pm
Pardon my French, but....
OH s**t
O____O
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Posted: Mon Mar 17, 2008 3:47 pm
Chapter 37: Zui Hou De Zhan Yi (Final Battle)
When priests are more in word than matter,
When brewers mar their malt with water,
When nobles are their tailor' tutors,
No heretics burned but wenches' suitors,
When every case in law is right,
No squire in debt, no no poor knight;
When slanders do not live in tongues,
Nor cutpurses com not to throngs,
When usurers tell their gold I' th' field,
And bawds and whores do churches build,
Then shall the realm of Albion
Come to great confusion;
Then comes the time, who lives to see 't,
That going shall be used with feet.
The next few hours were a blur to me. I could hear someone screaming my name, someone so far away. I could feel myself fading in and out of consciousness, a blur of colors and the feel of someone picking me up. There was this ethereal feeling to it all, as if it all wasn't happening. I could hear myself breathing heavily, I could hear the sounds of people walking around. I could hear a heartbeat, a loud heartbeat that thundered in my ears. I couldn't remember too much, But I could hear sirens somewhere, someone shouting my name over and over. I couldn't remember anything except for the few times that light permeated through the darkness to show me where I was.
In the distance I could hear something beeping, something cold was being pressed onto me. There was a bright light and much chattering. I could see the faint outline of someone hovering over me, he was muttering comforting words, there was someone else to my side, holding my hand, constantly rubbing it and constantly, somewhere in the background I swore I could have heard crying. I swear I could have heard someone crying in the background.
That was all I could remember before the world turned black.
I woke up dressed in the pale blue of a hospital suit, there were things stuck to my arms, things taped onto my fingers and there was just so much machinery all around me, there was a soft beeping noise in the background. The very same one that monitored Nana when she was in the same predicament. The first thing I could think of was that this was all a dream. A nightmare, a nightmare that I was somehow hospitalized just like my best friend was. There wasn't a way that this could be happening to me right now. It was all a dream, it had to be. There was no way that this couldn't be a dream. I promised, I promised her that I would live.
“Hey... you awake?”
“If I was asleep would I be answering you?”
“Yeah, you're awake, and snarky as always.”
“I'll take it as a compliment.”
“Miss. Mogami, I'm glad to know you're awake. You had quite a fall.” The doctor stood there, clad in white and a clipboard in hand. He had the air of
“Yeah, I guess I did, so uhm... when will I be able to get out of here?”
“I'm afraid you can't.”
“Wait... what do you mean? Why can I get out?”
“Well... We took X-rays and ran some blood tests.”
“And?”
“And... I don't think there's ever a kind way to say this, but uhm... you have a severe case of Lupus. It's attacked your heart and part of your lungs. Which is what caused you to faint earlier today. I'm sorry to say this, but you don't have much longer to live.”
“How much longer?”
“Two days. At the state that your immune system is at... it' a miracle if you had lived any longer than today.”
“Two days... that's... when our next concert is.”
“Yunho, I'm sure that I'm quite adept at reading a calendar. Yes, I know that your concert's in two days. And I'll make it quite known that there isn't any worry for you guys, all the outfits are pretty much done, just a few touches here and there, but I'm sure you guys could live without them.”
“Yashi, you've got Lupus, you're dying as we speak, and you're worried about us?! Why don't worry about yourself for once?”
“Because if I did, then I'd miss out on all the fun in life.”
“Doctor, are you sure there's nothing that you can do? There isn't some sort of medicine that can do anything?”
“Sir, I know that you're worried, but there just is no cure. Now we can help her ease the pain a bit... but with the condition that she's in, there really isn't anything we can do. If we had caught it earlier, then there might have been something that we could have done.”
“So there's nothing left.”
“I hate to say it, but there really isn't. It's attacked her immune system so she can't really fight back at this point... I'm afraid the most we can do is just lessen the pain that last attack had on her body.”
“Yunho, don't listen to that doctor. I'll be fine, just a few days in here and I'll be back to normal. But... if word of this happens to get out to Sungmin and the others though, that might be a bit of a problem.”
“Uhm... about that....”
“Don't tell me you called him.”
“Well what was I going to do? Just sit here and hide it from them that you fainted in the middle of the stage and started to spew blood from the corner of your mouth?”
“Was it that bad?”
“It gave me the scare of my life. I thought you were dead.”
“This... isn't a dream is it?”
“Want me to pinch you to make sure?”
“I think I'll survive without it, Yunho.”
“Miss. Mogami, I'll be taking my leave now, if there's anything else you need, don't hesitate to call one of us.”
“Of course. Thank you for taking care of me.”
“It's our job... it also looks like you've got some more visitors.”
In decided to walk a weary Hankyung and a bubbling Sungmin. A giant bouquet of flowers was in his hands. If I hadn't known better, I could have sworn he would be tipped over any moment now from the sheer number of florals in his hands. It was seriously half the size of the poor guy. Which brings me to wonder, where the Hell did he get that many flowers in the first place? Something about Hankyung's face told me that it involved some bribing and lots of fangirls.
The things that fame can do to someone.
“MOMMY! You're alive! When Daddy Yunho called he made it sound like you were already dead!”
“Sungmin... You keep talking to your mother at that volume and I'll die from bleeding out through my ears.”
“Really?!”
“No. She was being sarcastic. Seriously, Yashi, you should know Sungmin's brain doesn't register sarcasm like normal people.”
“Hankyung, it's because you haven't taught him the truth about life. You should be more considerate and teach him the difference between sarcasm and a serious tone. It'll do him well when he gets older.”
“He's already older than you.”
“I know, but he's more innocent than I was when I graduated from high school. Did he grow up under a rock?”
“I don't know, that sure as hell beats me. But hey, he can sing and he can dance. So I guess that's all that really matters.”
“In this industry, yeah, that and if you look good it's always a plus.”
“Mommy... when are you going to get out?”
“Soon, I promise. I'll be able to get out of here and then we'll go bake cookies for Daddy Yunho.”
“Really?”
“Really.”
“I'll be happy to eat them just as long as you two don't poison them first.”
“So, when are you going to be able to get out of here?”
“Doctors said in two days.”
“Really?! That's great!”
Yunho looked at me as if there was something he wanted to say about my choice of words. It was as if I was giving Sungmin some sort of false hope. But what was I to say? That I was going to die because there's no cure for me at this point? What did he want me to tell him? The truth? No, that's too painful, I couldn't bring myself to tell him the truth. It would be better if he just continued to live out his little fantasy about our little demented family. It would be better for him to just continue to live innocently for the time being.
There was silence for a very long time. The constant beeping of the heart monitor kept in time with second hand of the clock. The air wasn't stuffy as awkward silences go, but rather, it had an ominous sort of feel to it. As if, no matter how much I wanted Sungmin to not know of the condition, it was inevitable that I was to die. There wasn't going to be a time when I would walk out of this white prison. There wasn't going to be a time when I would be once again free to see the world. There wouldn't be. And I regret with all my heart that I didn't make life better for myself before this.
For all the wars against myself I've fought, for all the times when I've battled against myself, this is my last battle. There's no doubt about it. I suppose I finally understand what Nana meant when she could feel herself dying. The slow draining feeling of life just melting away. I had always thought that I had more time. I had always believed that I would be able to live past the age of thirty.
I had thought that I would be able to write the end of my fairytale with Yunho. After last night, I thought I could do everything, I had it all. I had finally found the right thing. And now, look at me, pathetic, laying in a hospital bed, completely vulnerable and weak.
God, I'm a sad person.
Ring, ring, ring! Ring, ring, ring!
“Hello? Yes... Yes, Yes Jaejoong, she's alive. No... the costumes should be fine. Yes, I'll be there for the concert. I can assure you that. Yes, I'm coming back right now... I know, I know, we've got rehearsal tomorrow. I'm not dumb.”
The first sound to break past the heavy silence was the high pitched ring of Yunho's cellphone and his answer to the call. It seemed as though no matter how hard he wants to be normal, he'll forever be that famous guy whom so many people will look up to. Indeed, no matter how ill I am, no matter where I am, no matter what condition I'm in, he's still a celebrity. He still had his duties and obligations. He had work to do, not me. He was the one who needed to get out there and show the world what he was made of. I had no need to be there, I was only a support, a way for him to get forward.
No matter how much I look at it, I'm only made for supporting others. There's no way I could stand out for myself. There's no way I could ever find the courage to stand up in front of thousands of people and show them my passion. There's just no way that I could.
“Gentlemen... Visiting hours are over. It will do you and the patient well if you will leave as soon as possible.” A nurse at the doorway coolly said, her demeanor and the way she carried herself was clear that she didn't find it very acceptable that there were visitors at all. Really, I wonder if she ever had anyone visit her when she was in the hospital. Maybe that's the reason she's so bitter. Quite frankly, I'm almost sure she had the disposition to throw all three of them out if they didn't comply completely and immediately.
I suppose some people are just a**l retentive that way.
“Okay, before we get kicked out by the scariest thing since medical malpractice, we should leave you to sleep now. I'll see you tomorrow when rehearsal is over alright?”
“Alright, I'll be dreaming happily of you.”
“And don't forget about me, Mommy!”
“Of course not, why would I forget to dream about you?”
“Because, I didn't tell you to!”
“Don't worry, you're always happily dancing around in my dreams, Sungmin. Promise you'll see your mother when you have the time to?”
“I promise!”
“Good boy, now go along home and get some sleep alright?”
“Okay!”
“Good night, Yashi, we'll visit when we can.”
“I know you will, Hankyung. You're a trustworthy guy, the girl who you're going to end up with will be very happy indeed.”
“I hope she will be.”
“I'm sure she will. Good night.”
“Good night.”
Click
This was my last battle against life. I was tired, tired of all this fighting against all these hurdles that life has thrown at me. There's no way that I was going to live past this week. There's no way I was going to finally find happiness in this world. The few fleeting moments when it had felt so right between Yunho and I, those were to be the first, and the last it seems. With the state I was in, there was no way, no miracle that could ever bring me back to the happy bliss that had been felt just yesterday and earlier this morning.
It's odd, how accepting of death I was. How just perfectly easily I accepted the knowledge of my death. It was odd as well, how the scent of the flowers that Sungmin brought to me brought back the memories of old lauds that I remember studying in college. The scent of life mingled with the thought of death, how ironic that is.
There's rosemary, that's for remembrance,
Pray you, love, remember. And there is pansies, that's for thoughts.
There's fennel for you, and columbines.
There's rue for you, and here's some for me;
We may call it herb of grace o' Sundays. You must wear
your rue with a difference.
There's a daisy. I would give you some violets,
But they withered all when I died.
They say I made a good end.
The old song kept on singing in my head, over and over like a lullaby from disembodied voices. The mingled sanitary smell of the hospital and the fresh, lively smell from the large bouquet beside my bed somehow brought a strange sort of peace to the suffocating pressure of death that I had started to feel. The smell of happiness was gently being mixed into the scent of death.
And for some odd reason. I was able to accept this and sleep peacefully.
For I knew my final battle would be over soon.
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Posted: Mon Mar 17, 2008 5:52 pm
O.O
@KyoxTohru: I'd have to disagree, just because the entirety of the fanfic is beyond words. 3nodding
@Mystyk: I totally second that.
And now, @Serial: Holy bujeeshnips. And, yes, I did just type that on purpose. ^^
Man, that is a serious turn of events!! Talk about a drop from cloud nine; engaged only to be diagnosed as dead in two days?! *pouting* Poor peoples.
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Posted: Wed Mar 19, 2008 2:37 pm
Chapter 38: Wo Jiu Shi Wang Bu Dao (I Just Can't Forget)
Dedicated to Ji-Hyun, 'cause without your constant nagging and your constant fits I would have never gotten this far. Thank you for all of your support. His visit the next day was a short one. There wasn't too much time for him. But at the same time, I couldn't help but feel relieved. He had kept his promise to see me. And in this dismal world of machinery and the constant white color, his presence was the color of the whole world to me.
“Hey... How you feeling?”
“Well... slightly groggy seeing as I'm being drugged with every sort of painkiller known to man.”
“I'll take it as you're alright.”
“Yeah, I guess you could say that, it could be worse.”
“You've changed quite a bit.”
“I haven't changed at all. That's a lie.”
“Right, and this is one of the reasons I love you so much. Here. I brought these for you. 'Cause I know you're going to be bored out of your mind if you're not sleeping from the painkillers.”
“You read me like a book, Yunho, do you know that?”
“You know, the funny thing is, I always found you to be one hell of an unpredictable woman.”
“Well... I'm sure yesterday would be the epitome of being unpredictable.”
“You never fail to amuse me.” From out of nowhere it seemed, he produced the diary that I had acquired from Christmas, and a pen. Where he had been able to find all these things is beyond me, how he was able to know exactly what I wanted, is just something that will forever baffle me.
“You know, you never fail to amaze me.”
“I want you to take this as well...” From his pocket he pulled out a cellphone. “I don't want to spoil it for you just yet, but I promise, keep it close. I'll call tomorrow, just to make sure you're alright. I'll be there.”
“You're going to call me when you know it's going to be a concert with thousands of screaming fans? You're going to find the time to do that?”
“I love you, of course I will.”
“Right, I almost forgot about that.”
“... I'm gonna----”
“Oye! Yunho! Come on! We're going to be late.”
“Chill out Jae! Can't a man see his girl?!... I'll see if I can drop by later, love.”
“Go knock 'em dead at practice.”
“I'll try to.”
Click...
The quiet beeping of the machinery in the background reminded me how little time I had left. How every moment counted. It was sad, I was to die so soon. I had always dreamed of dying older, or with a better end than this. I suppose this was what Nana felt when she was on her death bed. But I don't want to be remembered like her, I don't want to be remembered as that person with so much in her life. I just simply want to be remembered.
It's hard to accept the fact. It's hard to think that I'll really be gone so soon. Maybe, maybe the doctors were wrong. Maybe they miscalculated. Maybe, just maybe, I had a chance of living past the two day limit that they had placed on me. Maybe, just maybe, I had another shot at that happiness which we had experienced for that sweet moment. I want to believe that I'll live, I want to believe so much that I'll be alright in the end.
I wanted to believe so many things all at once.
But what good is it if none of them are known? What good is it if none of them are ever recorded? What good is a belief if no one ever hears of it?
I might as well at least write it down.
Goodbyes were never my forte. At least they won't have to hear it from me, at least they won't have to hear it from my last breath, at least they won't have to bear the pain that I had to twice in my life already.
At least this way, they only have to look back on my handwriting and not on the person that had spoken. At least this way, my words won't be forgotten.
At least this way, I'll live on... almost.
I don't think there's any need to say 'Dear Diary' anymore. I don't think there's a need for me to do anything but to write down what I want to say. As dismal as it sounds, I suppose being ready for the end at any time is a good thing. I should get out all that I want to say before I take a last breath. I just can't forget everything, even when I'm gone, I just can't forget all that's happened through these last few months, it's almost impossible to believe that I'll soon be nothing but some last words scribbled down.
But I suppose that's better than nothing.
I'm on the last battle of life now. And all too soon if you ask me. There's so much I want to remember, and so much I want to forget. Though my mind seems to like it not that I wish to forgive all the crimes done onto me. No matter how much I want to forget all the bad times and remember all the good, it just seems, it just seems as though all I can remember the bad.
It only feels like yesterday since I decided to be a writer. It only feels like a few moments ago when I decided that I wanted to write for the rest of my life. I wonder where that will had gone. It had been with me for so long, but, somehow, I seem to have changed. Against my own will I suppose.
But then again, that comes with life. I never wanted to grow up, I never wanted to get any older than the age of twenty. Ever since I was young, I had carried in my heart the thought of never growing older, I wanted to be young forever. The essence of innocence, I wanted it to cling until I died.
It's too bad I had to grow up.
I'm still debating on whether or not it's a good thing. Whether or not all these changes were for my own betterment. Ever since I stepped foot onto this foreign soil, I had thought I would forever hate this place. I was content with my old lot in life, albeit it wasn't exactly very rich or fabulous, I had what I wanted. I had my words.
No matter where I am, no matter how hard my life was, I had always found happiness in the uncaring and cold world of words. Their perfection, their poetry, as much as everyone else wanted to shove it out of me, I clung onto it as a treasure. Words were the only thing I had for myself. When there were no friends around, I had my words. When friends had found someone more important, I still had them.
And now, in my darkest time, I once again, return to my words.
How comforting it is to hear the sound of a pen against paper. How soothing it is to let go of all inhibitions of laying in a hospital bed, waiting for death to knock at my own door. How absolutely divine it is to just simply
I've pushed so hard to write what I want people to see. I've done everything in my life to seek that road to fame. I've done so much to become that perfect person in my mind. And somewhere down that line, I lost that vision. I had always dreamed of pulling heartstrings, always thought that I had the talent to show the world something beautiful.
I guess I lost that talent somewhere along the line.
I lost so many things. A dear friend, my sanity somewhere while I was here. Countless hours of sleep, and a number of other things. In this country, I was ridiculed, I was shoved aside, I was nothing for the longest time.
And yet, in my darkest hour, in a time when no one was there, he was able to help me up. My uncouth prince. He's nothing like what I had originally imagined. Handsome, yes, eloquent, sure, but princely, no. He's not, and yet I couldn't help but be attracted to him. I had never believed in love at first sight, I sound like a hypocrite now when I say I swear I felt my heart constrict slightly when I first laid my eyes on him. He's graceful, strong, supportive, a leader in every which way, but he's no a prince. He's more than that.
He is the color in this country of black and white. He is the reason I had something to cling onto while I was here.
Starting off rough is an understatement. Considering his first words to me, considering really the first few months we knew each other, it's a miracle that we somehow became engaged. I suppose it's the number of similarities that we have, stubborn, hard to get to know, idiots in every which way. It's a wonder we haven't blown up at each other already. It's a miracle that I had found someone like this in the world.
Someone who was willing to accept everything I was and was willing to live with me for the rest of their life. I never thought I was to be this happy. And though that happiness has faded into a sour aftertaste with this impending doom that I face, I can't help but still cry those tears of happiness when he asked for my hand. I had judged him wrongly from the very beginning. What I perceived as arrogance was his charm. What I saw as imperfections was merely my own skewed visions. What I perceived as black and white, was in truth his brilliance.
It takes time to heal. That is one thing I've learn while I was here. It always takes time to heal. No matter how deep the wound, it'll eventually heal. I had once placed so much trust in the person I called my 'best friend' I thought the two of us would be inseparable. I remember so well the day we met, I think the first thing I called her out on was how pale she was. Leigh, Leigh, Leigh, if I could turn back the hands of the clock, if I could just walk back to that time and see what I did wrong would I understand why you left me?
I don't think so.
Whatever friendship we had had no doubt been suddenly severed by the two of us. I won't blame it on you, I won't blame it on myself, rather, I blame it on time. I blame it on the intangible thing that had separated us. Maybe it was I who wasn't the good friend. Maybe it was you who was fickle with what you wanted in life. Either way, I think the split between the two of us would have happened eventually anyways. But you know, as much as it hurt back then when I read your letter, as much as I wanted throw something, as much as I wanted to hate you. I couldn't help but to accept the facts.
And above all, I forgive you.
You had your reasons for leaving, whether they concerned me or whether they concerned yourself, I couldn't care too much anymore. I still love you deeply somewhere in my heart, I can tell you this much, and I still miss you. You're still my friend, even though you may not consider it anymore.
Beyond all this angst, beyond all of this writing, I found a family here in Korea, an older brother, a young child, and most of all, a husband. I can't begin to fathom how it all really happened, how the three of you guys had somehow found a way to get under my skin and become so close to me that I regard you as family.
I suppose I should first start out with the older brother figure, Hankyung. There are so many things that you've helped me out with, whether you know it or not. Your ability to comfort me when I was absolutely miserable is astounding. I remember the first time I saw you, You were wearing white, there were feathers painstakingly being plaster onto the side of your face by the assistants. I truly thought you were an angel then.
You still are in my heart. That image of that night still remains fresh in my mind, I had thought I couldn't be any lonelier when you had told me that I wasn't needed for the rest of the concert. I thought my mood couldn't be any worse. But at the same time, that image brought me hope, it somehow was a comforting image that I refer to when I stopped believing in God. In a sense, you had become a guardian without me knowing it. You had found it in your heart to accept me as someone more than what I was hired to do. You had found it in your heart to love and protect me, something that I thought I didn't want, something that I thought only the weak pleaded for.
But that protection was the very thing that I needed.
Words were the thing that I had always wanted to master, words, the swirling masses of letters combined to create art. I wanted to have a mastery over them. And yet, I can only offer these simple combinations to express my gratitude for what you've done to my life. You've changed it in more ways than you or I know. And sadly, the only words that I can think of are 'thank you.' They seem so petty for the magnitude of things that you've done. They seem so feeble against the feats that you had accomplished. But they are the only things that I can think of to say.
Sungmin, the first time I met you, I was hung over with the headache of the century. You had found pity in your heart for miserable me to help me. I suppose that meeting was fate, destiny if you will. I guess it was from that so much more happened and somehow, you became our child. I couldn't have asked to raise a better son than you. Your constant cheer, your constant sense of happiness. You have no idea how much it's helped me through the gray days.
You have no idea how much you've affected my hatred of everything here.
I had originally thought, that there wouldn't be a time when I could ever like anything here. I thought, that I could live here with the hate, with a vengeance and with a passion for nothing but my goal I could live through this ordeal. Yet, you showed me how tiring hatred is. There's so much you've taught me, whether you're aware of that or not. And I am grateful for all the informal lessons. All your laughing, all your random attacks on my life, each one of them was worth it. Because I got to know you better as a person and not the celebrity that the company had introduced me to. I'm grateful for everything you've done.
Yunho. I don't even know where I should start with you. There's a whole novel with what the two of us have experienced. There is so much that I should say, and so much that I want to. But, I cannot say it. There is nothing, nothing in this world that could describe my reason for my 'yes.' I'm sure you know quite well yourself that when you first met me, I was the last person in the world that you would have thought to wed. And yet, somehow, we found it in ourselves to find how perfect we are together.
Nothing can be said about how much I love you.
As there are no words that I can use to express it. I will leave it at that.
Yunho, Saranghaeyo.
I love you.
Te Amo.
Ik houd van u.
Je t'aime.
Do you want it back wards? You Love I. I'll spell it out for you if it isn't clear. I L-O-V-E Y-O-U.
Not a day passed when I didn't think of you. Not a day went by when you made my heart skip a beat, when you pulled at my heartstrings when I saw you with someone else. There wasn't a moment when your face left my mind, there wasn't a moment after I met you face to face that I could get it out. Not even after Raphael and I met again, not after Leigh left, not after Nana died, not after all of that did you leave my mind.
I love you.
Three simple words. Nothing more, nothing less. Spoken in every language possible, translated into every tongue in the world. They still mean the same thing.
The sky is such a dismal gray color. A lot like what I had once thought this whole world was. I had once thought how miserable it all was until you three made everything worth so much more. The three of you, my princes in every way.
And I thank you for that.
I end this with what I feel is possibly the one poem that has been able to bring me hope in my previous dark times. I can only hope that it brings you some light should I never be there to tell it to you myself.
When I have seen by Time's fell hand defaced
The rich-proud cost of outworn buried age;
When sometime lofty towers I see down-razed
And brass eternal slave to mortal rage;
When I have seen the hungry ocean gain
Advantage on the kingdom of the shore,
And the firm soil win of the watery main,
Increasing store with loss, and loss with store;
When I have seen such interchange of state,
Or state it self confounded to decay,
Ruin hath taught me thus to ruminate
That Time will come and take my love away.
This thought is as a death which cannot choose
But weep to have that which it fears to lose.
“Miss... It's time for lights out.”
“Of course.”
“If anything happens in the middle of the night, please don't hesitate to call.”
“I won't”
“Good night then, Miss. Mogami.”
“Good night.”
And the rest was silent.
For there is a special providence in the fall of a sparrow.
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Posted: Wed Mar 19, 2008 5:20 pm
Omo... eek
...*sniffle*...
Darn it all!! Where's that box of tissues that Serial handed to me the other day?! Oh, forget it!
Gaaaaahhhh!!! If this fanfic tugs on my heartstrings anymore, my heart won't have anymore strings to pull!!! gonk
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Posted: Wed Mar 19, 2008 6:29 pm
Chapter 39: Ni Ting De Dao? Wo Shou Ai Ni (Can You Hear it? I Said Love you)
Dedicated to all those silent readers out there who haven't said anything. Also dedicated to those haters out there who still read this fanfic and said nothing. Also dedicated to those who hated this and left a message. This one's for you.
I had often thought about what comes after death. Was there a place beyond where I could watch from above the man that I loved? Was there a place beyond where I could continue to be? Or would there be nothing but silence?
It's odd, the feeling of a last day. A day to always be remembered as something tragic, something sad, something so far beyond all the fairy tales that I used to believe in. There was never any happily ever after meant for me. There was never anything written for me except a miserable ending for a miserable person like me.
Today was the day they have dated my death. I can only hope that the doctors were indeed wrong. I can only hope that there's something left for me to look forward to. But somewhere, deep down inside, I knew there was no hope. There was nothing left but to wait for the knock of death at my door. Part of me wanted it to be over with, part of me wanted it to last forever.
Part of me wanted to see the man I loved at concert. Part of me just wanted to sleep, and part of me just wanted to do nothing but to wait for that knock on my soul's door.
I had always wanted a prince like in the fairy tales, a prince that would sweep me off my feet and off to a kingdom far, far away. I never really thought that a fantasy like that could ever happen, after all, happily ever after seemed to be non-existent now anyways. But funny how indeed I found a prince in a far away kingdom, funny how I actually found one that was willing to spend a happily ever after with me.
And it's funny how the person who dreamed of such a life was the one to shatter that fairy tale.
I want to write him one last song. One last memento before it's all over. And if it's not, then hurray for the two of us. But a forever farewell poem. Yes... that's what I want to name it. My last, poem, a poem for farewells.
A sword out it's sheath fills the air with death
The Wind blows on this moon-less battle ground
I brave the dangers alone
A good man full of courage
Romantic Love
is the Past life's debt
I can never forget your smile while I am alive
The Beautiful woman's tear breaks people's heart
What kills people is this woman's burning blush
Forever farewell poem
Two, three lines
I wrote it on the street in a March spring shower
If only I still could hold the umbrella and walk beside you
Forever farewell poem
Two, three lines
Who would sing cry for my death?
If I could die beside you
Then it's worth to have lived
Please, do not kiss my hand,
It smells of mortality.
Your voice was ever soft,
Gentle, and low,
A beautiful thing in a man.
Forever farewell poem
Two, three lines
I wrote it on the street in a March spring shower
If only I still could hold the umbrella and walk beside you.....
Ring, ring, ring!
Ah, the cellphone he had handed me yesterday. Surely it couldn't be he who was calling. At this time it would be the very middle of the concert. There's no way that he would be calling now.
“... Hello?”
“.....”
Silence. There was nothing but dead air for a moment. Of course, it was all a lie, there was no way that he would call me. It's only a prank. He has his job as a celebrity to fulfill. There was no way that this was happening. It was just all a prank. Perhaps Sungmin was calling me to check up on his mother. Perhaps Hankyung was calling to check on me for him, whatever it is, it couldn't be him. It just couldn't. And yet... I couldn't find the strength in me to put down the phone.
“Clack... click... Clap, clap, clap....”
Applause? Was he calling me... on stage?
“This one... is for the person that I love the most.”
His voice. His soothing voice and the piano. This was why he wanted me to hold the phone. This was the reason why he told me he would call. It was all, all for this.
The notes are all the same, everything, everything about it is still the same. But he knew, he knew what I wanted to hear the most. He knew I wanted to hear the completed melody just once.
“SarangHaeYo, Means I love you.”
No matter how many times he says those words, I'll never get tired of them, no matter how many times he'll sing that song to me, I'll never be able to get weary of his voice.
The sound of the piano and the sound of his voice, the sound of the words I had written, everything, at last was all in one piece.
Leave it to him to remember that I wanted to hear this the most.
Leave it to him to know that when everyone abandoned me, he was the last person, the only person who was still there.
Every part of me belongs to you Saranghaeyo means "I love you"Saranghaeyo means "I love you”
It represents how I cannot leave you, every minute, every second, every sound
I will tell only you I will love you, and forevermore I will love you, and forevermore
Saranghaeyo means “I love you.”
Yes, it means 'I love you.' It means so much more than those three simple words though. It means so much more than those words, it means everything that we've gone through, it means all the trials and tribulations we've been through. It means the whole world to me.
It means that he still remembered me when I was alone.
It means, everything.
And it means nothing.
I want to believe, believe that we're living in a fairy tale, and then, we could write the ending together.
Yes, we live in a fairy tale.
And this is my happily ever after.
His voice, the very thing I want to hear at the very end. The very thing that I wanted to bring me peace. I never thought he would think to remember me this way.
Doubt thou the stars are fire,
Doubt that the sun doth move,
Doubt truth to be a liar,
But never doubt that I love.
Saranghaeyo means “I love you”
Saranghaeyo means “I love you”
Yes, saranghaeyo means 'I love you.'
The end isn't silence, there's something beyond the darkness of death.
Look there, look there.
It's just a little beyond.
Just a little beyond this life of mine.
“Saranghaeyo.... and good night my sweet prince.”
I love you forevermore.
The End
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