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 Posted: Tue Apr 11, 2006 12:15 pm
ChevalBunita Official Critique Request Gaia Username: Chevalbunita Character Name: Maryke Jimenez Serum Animal(s): Black and white ruffed Lemur Quest Thread: http://www.gaiaonline.com/guilds/viewtopic.php?t=2545919Mmmmkay, back. I'm glad you thought it was interesting. I didn't want her story to come off campy or immature since I wanna play it serious. So I'm glad that read well. The FBI would only cover a prostution ring if it was really high profile or if it crossed state lines. What they would really be after, take the case of Heidi Fliess for instance, was how much money she would be making and they'd more then likely first try to pin her for tax evasion. But the stuff you listed was the stuff I was very iffy about and I liked your suggestion about maybe it was questioning instead of probable conviction. So I used that and also changed her age. So hope it looks okay now? My personal vote would be to make her 26 or 27 - for some reason thats just what I see when I picture her. But thats just my own personal opinoin blaugh In whole, everything looks good!
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Posted: Tue Apr 11, 2006 12:19 pm
Birvan The poison dart frog is for pigmentation of the fur, not for the poison. But I won't mind changing that one... if I manage to find another animal with a strong red skin xp As for the quills I'll take those out. Moreau will be basing on a more modern version of the creature ;p Ah, I see. 3nodding That would be done. Or you could use other hypermelonistic reptiles. I would reccomend "Fire Engine" phase of the uromastyx, or a "Blood Red" corn snake.
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Posted: Tue Apr 11, 2006 12:31 pm
Sheacka Ok I took the advices and edited again... I only changed the surm tipe and 100% hope tho..... *croses fingers* The character/concept is fine However, I want to highly encourage you to work on your spelling. IoDM has a certain standard of writing ability required to play, and while occasional typos can be easily overlooked, I have been noticing in your posts that almost every other word is mispelled. Just in the sentence above your have mispelled serum (surm)and type (tipe). I noticed you tend to make a lot of phonetic errors. Such as faze (phase), aria (area), grate (great), belave (believe), etc...
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Posted: Tue Apr 11, 2006 12:36 pm
I'm still not convinced Marshall has done enough cage rattling to dissapear him away to the Island. I know he's not the confrontational type...so maybe one of his lawyers pushed him abit? Again, you have all the good BG needed, but unless Marshall was considered a real threat to Feral Labs publicity would they pack him away.
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Posted: Tue Apr 11, 2006 6:20 pm
I see nothing wrong or needing to be changed. :3 My one question is, there are two sightly different ways she got t o the island. One where she just gets the letter for a free vacation, and the other where her friend gets the ticket... Just for not, the tickets would be non-transferable. So it would have to be Andy that got the ticket. She would have had to entered a contest -somewhere- for it, just for reference. Otherwise, all's good.
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Posted: Tue Apr 11, 2006 6:23 pm
Moofuls Glad to hear it <3 <3 Yah, that's been my problem xD; He wouldn't be the easiest guy to disappear because of the soccer thing.. Though he very rarely contacts his family at all, so that's not as big of a problem. I like the bus wreck idea a lot... I'll admit, I wouldn't have thought of that xD; But I do like it >3 Though, I'd hoped for a way to get him to the island in a, shall we say, 'happy' mood. I'ma go ahead and put the bus wreck in the quest thread, though, as a temporary solution, if not permanent. <3 Well, if you wanted to still go with the bus idea, maybe they were on there way to some big celebration - or coming back from winning a BIG game. Then, perhaps, he doesn't quite remember the crash. It wouldn't be inconcievable that the last thing he remembered was partying on the bus? Just an idea. There's always the free vacation thing, but that might be awkward his is semi-famous status.
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Posted: Tue Apr 11, 2006 6:28 pm
Island of Moreau I see nothing wrong or needing to be changed. :3 My one question is, there are two sightly different ways she got t o the island. One where she just gets the letter for a free vacation, and the other where her friend gets the ticket... Just for not, the tickets would be non-transferable. So it would have to be Andy that got the ticket. She would have had to entered a contest -somewhere- for it, just for reference. Otherwise, all's good. Aieeeeeeeee! Awesome! Okay, I'll edit the island a bit. Would it be okay if I entered again for critique, or should I PM you (you being...the mule, not one of the main accounts)?
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Posted: Tue Apr 11, 2006 6:32 pm
Lycaea Official Critique RequestGaia Username: Lycaea Character Name: Bethany Knowles Serum Animal(s): Tundra Wolf Quest Thread: http://www.gaiaonline.com/guilds/viewtopic.php?t=2475082Rearranged it a bit, revised the kidnapping story, hopefully the concept of "The List" provides some humor smile I've really enjoyed writing her kidnapping story, so I hope I'm getting the "feel" of the staff characters involved right. The list is amusing, but I don't think you quite understood what I meant. The idea of Moreau purposely going out of his way to FIND his enemies and get revenge has been done. Moreau didn't keep a list of everyone who made fun of him (god that would be long). My idea would be, she was one of Val or Chert's lackeys. Then, perhaps, Feral Lab would be offering a 'scholarship' that people at AA could sign up for to go a exclusive celebrity-style rehabilitation program on a tropical island. Perhaps she would sign up there. Then, if Moreau happened to recognize her name when going over the people who applied, he would choose her, amused at the twist of fate. She would still need a "legit" way to get to the island - not just a kidnapping. Very rarely does Feral Labs do straight up criminal kidnappings. Thats why there are more decietful ways they usually go about it.
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Posted: Tue Apr 11, 2006 6:37 pm
Sounds like a disturbed young lady - which confuses me a bit because the way the background is written it has a very light-hearted tone. Probably that combined with the fact that the only two peices of art you have her she has big happy anime eyes and a big smile blaugh I would expland on her personality a bit. Also, she would have beeded to apply for some sort of art program scholarship that would be spondered by Feral Labs. It wouldn't be a 'school' persay, so much as a study abroad program that would offer young people to come to a secluded isle and practice their art away from everything.
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Posted: Tue Apr 11, 2006 6:59 pm
[ Message temporarily off-line ]
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