|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Mon Jun 22, 2015 4:24 pm
"It's just..." He grimaced, worriedly avoiding looking in Chance's eyes too long, and staring at his chin instead. "I had a habit of hidin' in other people last time I was in a..." He hesitated to say relationship. Maybe not to tie himself down, or was it so he didn't make Chance feel tied down. "N the big reason I ended it with them was cause of it. Cause I wanted to make myself a better person than that. But just now, I was usin' you to forget somethin'." He gave Chance a hard look, this time meeting his eyes. " Don't say you're okay with that, cause it'd be the same as her." Cami. She'd always said it was fine. Use her however he pleased. But that was wrong, and he would never again be okay with that.
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Jun 22, 2015 4:30 pm
Otto was doing that thing again, where he didn't want to meet his eyes, and Chance didn't force it this time, waiting for him to say what he wanted first. The stumble over the word relationship wasn't missed, though he didn't comment on it, more occupied with the fact that when Otto did look at him, it was with a surprisingly hard expression on his face.
"I'm not going to say that," Chance said lightly. The hand that was not still twisted in the front of Otto's shirt was used to prop his head up, Chance's elbow on the table, head tilted a little against his palm. "That's essentially just running away again, isn't it? Substituting me for something else you'd rather not face isn't a way to deal with things. I told you I would listen to you anytime you wanted, that hasn't changed, and neither has the offer to just let you feel whatever it is that you want to feel without mollycoddling or judging you."
His fingers idly tangled in his hair, the curls still a little damp.
"But you recognized it," said Chance, dark eyes resting on Otto's. "Right? You knew what you were doing, and you stopped."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Jun 22, 2015 4:36 pm
Otto nodded. He had stopped, right when he really realized what he was doing. Rather than falling into that same loop, he jumped out. He didn't want to turn any intimacy he had with Chance into a coping mechanism. Never again. "Anyway... it's cause we were talkin' about scars n stuff. I was okay with it at first, but then I started feelin' kinda.." He squirmed a bit, his hand loosely coming up to brush against Chance's hand that held his shirt. "..Self conscience."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Jun 22, 2015 4:39 pm
Chance turned his hand over as Otto's brushed against his and caught hold of his fingers lightly, tangling them together loosely.
"Self-conscious about the scars?" he asked, eyes flickering over his forehead again before they returned to Otto's face. "Is it because of the memories that they bring up when you think about them?"
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Jun 22, 2015 4:43 pm
"Mostly, yeah. Like you said.. it's like someone else put themselves on your own skin. And.. you can never make it smooth again." He hated talking about it. He liked to pretend one day they'd heal and be gone forever. "It's totally out of your control. And I guess it's kinda vain, but I don't like havin' to look in the mirror and accept that those scars have to be a part of me."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Jun 22, 2015 4:50 pm
He lifted his head off of his hand and reached out towards Otto. Chance's fingers pressed against his temple, framing the side of his face without touching the scars, dark gaze flickering as his traced the lines of them with his eyes.
"No," he said quietly. "You can't make it smooth, and you can't control that they're there."
His own side twinged a little, as though his body remembered the way it had felt with the cigarette pressed against the tender part of his ribs, burning hot against his skin. Chance's expression was almost distant, memories surfacing that he hadn't thought about in a long time.
He pushed them carefully away, focused on Otto, gaze coming back into focus.
"You aren't your scars," he said. "They're on you, but they're not you."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Jun 22, 2015 4:56 pm
Even with Chance's gentle hands and comforting words, Otto couldn't quite see it the way he did. He;d heard advice from many people on how to deal with scars and their psychological impressions. Somehow, it always bothered him, regardless. He just wished that there weren't quite so many. "I dunno.." He shrugged, his hands resting over Chance's idly. "I probably won't ever be comfortable with them. Just somethin' I gotta deal with." And hopefully complain less about.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Jun 22, 2015 5:03 pm
Something in Chance's eyes shifted, and he gave a slow nod.
"You don't have to be comfortable with them," he said, and it was almost like he was talking to himself, not Otto. His fingers twitched again, like he wanted to grasp ahold of Otto's, but not moving from where they were against the side of his face. "They're not meant to be there to be revered or accepted, after all. Just reminders."
His other hand dislodged itself from the front of Otto's shirt, Chance pressing it absently against his ribs, a gesture that looked almost unconscious.
"Maybe it won't get easier, but it'll get easier to bear."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Jun 22, 2015 5:06 pm
He gave a nod, letting out a breath as if he'd been holding it. "Is that enough talking about it now?" He wasn't sure if he was asking permission or not. Just as long as he somehow was able to assure himself he wasn't using Chance in some way. He was a friend. Friends shared their worries. He just didn't want to use the man as his emotional dumping ground.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Jun 22, 2015 5:14 pm
His gaze snapped back to focus on Otto. Chance's demeanor seemed to relax.
"Yeah," he said, and exhaled a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding. Chance moved his hand away from Otto's face and slid an arm around his neck instead, leaning forward to press their foreheads together. His eyes fluttered briefly shut.
"See?" he said quietly, a smile in his voice, "You're learning."
And so am I, said a small voice in his head.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
