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 Posted: Sun Nov 11, 2007 4:52 pm
Okay, guys, let me join in the drama for a few...
My eyes hate me. They hated me last night and for all that all I gave them were a crappy 2K words. Well, okay...like 600 of them weren't crap, but GODS I hate crappy. And I can't even type anymore. Like if I weren't backspacing every five words you'd be reading jibberish right now.
So this morning while I was writing my morning 1K, I actually digraded...gods I can't even think if that's the right gd word...degressed or whatever into using sunglasses and closing my eyes and letting my hands do the work because my eyes hurt so fin much.
And I just got back from going out to eat with my cousin who came home for the ND/Airforce game. He brought a few Airforce buddies with him...Leav, you'd like 'em, I'd think...
So yeah...wearing ugly-a** sunglasses and typing out crap for my NaNo novel...that's my life right now.
At least we get new classes tomorrow morning. GAH!!! No more English! Yes!!!! Well, not until last tri, anyway...but the best part is that it's my last tri of German!!! Gods that trumpet player...
Whatever. If you can't understand half the words I'm saying...I understand. I'd better get back to my shitty novel. Leav, I'll TTYL...tonight, maybe...but...to everyone else, ya...thanks for letting me vent.
heart dramallama heart
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Posted: Sun Nov 11, 2007 5:00 pm
No problem and I'll be waiting. My phone's dead, so I might have already missed a call....
Gods, but I feel like writing poetry right now....
Love and Vale,
-LD
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Posted: Sun Nov 11, 2007 5:10 pm
CHARGE IT OMGS!!!
Oh, and yeah...my gay friend made winter guard! I was so happy for him... biggrin
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Posted: Sun Nov 11, 2007 5:47 pm
Aww, that's good! Uhh.... What's winter guard?
-LD
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Posted: Mon Nov 12, 2007 6:47 pm
Another update from Locker Room Discrepancies.... Quote: I've had only a single question running constantly through my mind all day: how far can one distance oneself from attributes that others don't see as admirable? You see, David read the letter, and had been acting strangely today. I was willing to pass it off as merely circumstantial, but when we were dressing back in after class, I asked him if he had read it and he said he had but that I should "probably keep those things to yourself. You have to remember that I'm straight--those kinds of things creep me out." Naturally, I had no idea what to say to that. I was unsure of what he meant, as I had taken care not to intone anything...improper. In fact, I thought it was more than tame enough--the worst conceivable thing in the letter was "your killer smile [and] shocking blue eyes". I told him that I wasn't sure...that I didn't remember putting anything.... I stuttered, shocked. I had not foreseen this. It kind of broke something in me. I wonder if I'll be stronger for this too, or if it's...somehow crippling. That I could have put even more stress on our relationship...the thought kills me. But...I wonder if I'm only skating on the surface of my feelings. I mean, sure, getting hurt is a possibility in friendship, and compromising is a necessity, but...the fact that I've already compromised so much and he is asking me to reach a little farther, a little past myself...I can't decide if I'm glad for it (because at least it's with him), or if it's unreasonable and selfish of him to ask that of me. Not to say that he hasn't stretched also, but I feel like we're moving apart, together, in different directions. I know I shouldn't draw comparisons between friends, but when I fell for Robert, and told him, everything worked out well--and better, it seemed right. A little happy, a little sad, wonderful and warm and wistful all at once. The things that boy stirred in me besides lust--! When I told him (last Friday?) everything that was happening with David, he nodded just as I had and said, "Well, you can't expect everyone to react well when you tell them you like them" to which I answered, "But you did." He looked at me, infinite warmth in his expression and said, "Yeah. I did. But I'm different, you know?" I nodded, knowing exactly what he meant, and he continued, "You can't expect him to be okay all at once. Just give him some time and space." Time to think, space to breathe. I nodded reluctantly, knowing in my heart that he was right. Don't you love friends who you can have a conversation with and feel the same, to the point where you can't separate your thoughts and words from the other? That's me and Robert: we're so hopelessly tied up in one another, and I don't ever want that to change. I know I shouldn't expect this time to be the same--I'm no more the same me than David is Robert. But even so, there's some added complication to this situation that seems...extraneous. It hurts all of us. I truly wish that it weren't there, even if it's only my sexuality, or his conservatism, or just Locker Room Discrepancies. Love and Vale, ~Leavaros Dapple
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Posted: Mon Nov 12, 2007 9:49 pm
Well, I think you should follow Robert's rule of thumb and give him some space, I don't blame Dave for feeling awkward, and what you wrote about his smile and eyes is a little over the top if you ask me. Which makes me kind of wonder what else you put in the letter, but then again, those things were probably best left in you head instead of in the hands of the closed minded. Remember, just because its how you feel doesn't mean its a good thing to tell someone. I feel very strongly about some things that 90% of people consider extreme or terribly taboo so I say nothing about them because I know people will react poorly.
So I say this with the utmost sincerety, that flaunting yourself to people you care about is not always a smart thing to do. Not everyone is as willing to accept someone's flaws as normal. It's like throwing all your baggage at a doorman instead of letting him take what he can handle at his own pace. To me its awefully rude and inconsiderate, I don't like to burden people with the fact that I'm inherently straight so I don't, nor do I like throwing in deep dark past experiences into everyday conversation, most people can't entirely deal with it.
In any case, you could have either completely scared off this Dave guy, or opened his eyes up to the fact that guys do more than just chicks and that its something he'll need to get over.
My life is doing quite well for the time being, got to hang out with my sister who I haven't seen in weeks, I no longer live at my home in the boonies but with my gram in the town so I rarely see or even hear from my pretend family. It was a good day, we watched Pirates o.t. Carribean 3 and then went to see Dan in Real Life.
Not much has happened else ways, still busy with school and working out and looking forward to winter break in a few weeks, hurray! Hopefully I get the job at HMV, I have an interview this thursday with them and hopefully I do well enough that they hire me. I need the money in any case, stupid christmas, making me give gifts to people I despise. I wish I had a family I loved instead of one I'd rather see disintegrated.
the Lion
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Posted: Tue Nov 13, 2007 5:43 pm
Lion, I can't believe I'm going to say this, but you're absolutely correct. While I still feel like it wouldn't be fair to hide things, I think I overshot my mark a little with my honesty. Perhaps I did give him more than he could handle. *sigh* Not everyone can be Robert, I guess.
But really, I don't think my feelings are "flaws". I'm sure he doesn't either. If he did, he probably wouldn't respect me as much as he does. Sometimes, I feel like people put too much power to my emotions, rather than regarding them as flaws, my resilience, passion, and honesty are seen as my greatest strengths.
Although...I do understand that sometimes deep, dark pasts shouldn't be revealed...I still feel like more times than less, I'm doing the right thing in letting out my little tragedies. Sometimes, it's okay to just say the simple, sweet things, those peaceful little statements that hold more truth than a block paragraph.
Hehe, I think I've done a little bit of both. But Matt seems to believe than he'll get over it in time. I'll just have to be more careful--even more careful--so that this doesn't happen again. After all, as far as emotion goes, and sheer honesty, David is as fragile as a rosebud. So...I'll be strong, for him. I'll learn some discretion, maybe learn to give those soft, earth-shattering comments a whirl. And we'll take it from there, you and me and David and the whole world.
~~~~~
I'm glad you saw your sister. You don't seem to mention her much, is she well? Do you get along? I'm happy you had fun, and for the record, I though PotC:3 was pretty good.
Actually, I feel similarly towards my family right now. Grrr....
Love and Vale,
-LD
P. S. I got into The University of Tampa today! (UT for short!) I'm so glad. It's a huge weight off my shoulders. Maybe I'll be able to truly enjoy my senior year now....
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Posted: Tue Nov 13, 2007 9:05 pm
I want to apologize, I read over my post and saw that I'd used FLAW and smacked myself. That wasn't the word I wanted to use at all, I really meant differences, or something a kin to that which is frowned upon or capable of upsetting an orthodoxy.
I don't mention her a lot, no, my sister and are good friends, we never used to be. In fact, there was a long time that we were at each others throats, quite literally, with all manner of misdeeds. But now we share a common suffering, our so called parents are slowly trying to ruin the world with their misgivings and unlove. I don't care to speak of them because I get all riled up and angry over the topic.
But she is well, has two jobs and is only 16. She's a better person than I, I'll assure anyone of that. I worry about her though, because she is very heavy for her height and age but I've only been able to bring it up once and I lost steam half way through.
On a side note, life once again sucks, I hate school, I hate people at school, I wish I was free of it, even if just for a while. I need a vacation crying .
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Posted: Wed Nov 14, 2007 2:13 pm
Okay, either I'm too lazy or your guys' posts are too long.
Pick one.
And winter guard is like color guard for a band...only inside. And, oh yeah, it's during the winter time. And they go to like competetions and stuff.
And I can't sepll but I don't care.
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Posted: Wed Nov 14, 2007 2:29 pm
Lazy. You should see some of my letters to Kiyome....
-LD
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Posted: Wed Nov 14, 2007 2:38 pm
You should see my novel...47 pages and not even half done!
PS/Edit...and I thought you were just staying on to read the announcements??? Huh?Huh? What do you have to say to that, little brother???
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Posted: Wed Nov 14, 2007 2:58 pm
Meh, found things to read....
-LD
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Posted: Wed Nov 14, 2007 3:41 pm
Anything but replying to my PM...I don't even remember what I said, now...
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Posted: Wed Nov 14, 2007 9:53 pm
NolaIvory You should see my novel...47 pages and not even half done! A 100 page novel... is there even such a thing? Maybe a wordy novella, 47 pages is chapters 1-4 in my book, 48 to 267 are chapters 5-26. I think maybe a guild dictionary is in order. *shrug* Well today went well, construction cancelled my early class and laziness cancelled my lecture, oh the sadness. Got quite a bit of work done considering the day, not to mention I've finally found my perfect Chapter 1 to my book which is nearly finished being written, I shall do that after I hit post. Tomorrow I go for an interview at the HMV in the mall where I live, I hope to get the job, I'm in need of new clothes and gas money pretty bad. Well that's my half-arsed gripe for the evening. Lion
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Posted: Thu Nov 15, 2007 2:06 pm
The Great Lion NolaIvory You should see my novel...47 pages and not even half done! A 100 page novel... is there even such a thing? Maybe a wordy novella, 47 pages is chapters 1-4 in my book, 48 to 267 are chapters 5-26. I think maybe a guild dictionary is in order. *shrug* Yeah, I know it's a novella...everyone on NaNo does... But the real reason I got on was to tell everyone why I instantly started crying as I opened my mail today... I GOT ACCEPTED INTO MY NUMBER ONE SCHOOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm SO excited. And it didn't help that (I thought...) everything was falling apart with my boyfriend and I wanted to just throw in the towel...but that's another story. I just want...I don't know. Now I'm neutral. I don't care about...anything, really. I just have to get scholarships and apply to try to get into the Journalism program...but other than that...I'M DONE!!! Gods it feels so good. I'm just...so...relaxed. Oh, Leav, did you check out my nomination "essay" before they deleted it?
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