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Today was s**t.

I lost my cigarettes this morning. Almost a full pack, gone. I have a feeling Mommy took them out of my dresser.

Then I show up late for work because I was looking for my cigarettes. Boss is in a bitchy mood. I'm screwed.

Apparently, one of my co-workers

One that I manage

Hasn't been doing their assigned work

But telling me they had been.

So I've caught major grief for it.

I got a stupid rash from the Naproxin I have to take for my shoulder

so I had to stop taking it

And now I hurt really bad.

Pile that on top of a generally crappy summer

and I had my breaking point.

Bawled like a prepubescent girl.

And I don't cry.

Ever.

Tell me funny stories and knock knock jokes. crying

aww sorry

I know people have it way worse than me

so I shouldn't be whining

umm..

trois chats

and I know the word for drown in French. surprised

Well, he's all ready as black as coal...

omgracist surprised

LOL.

the answer was supposed to be 'ur bike' dramallama dramallama

STOP THINKING ABOUT STRAVING KIDS IN AFRICA, SO WHAT IF THEY HAVE IT WORSE THAN YOU. WE DON'T LIVE IN AFRICA.
The joke is
un
deux
trios
quatre
cinq
(Say it out loud and it'll make sense)

Aww thanks guys

to make things worse

my sister came for a visit

and just regaled us

with an hour long story

about the greeting cards she's purchased recently. gonk

I didn't say I had a good reason for being sad

Just that I was sad.

Yeah, I'm selfish.

I suck. surprised

Aww sad

An Australian, an Irishman and a Englishman are in a bar.
They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the
corner. He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them
mad.

They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: "My God,
it's Jesus!"

Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.

Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters
and a pint of Carling.
Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks
the pints slowly, one after another.
After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio. He
reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him
for the Guinness.
When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: "My God!
The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"

Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As
he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.
"Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone!
It's a bleedin' miracle."

Jesus then approaches the Englishman who knocks over a chair and a
table in trying to get away from the Son of God.

"What's wrong my son?" says Jesus.

The Englishman shouts, "******** off, I'm on disability benefit!"

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What's blue and doesn't fit?



A dead Epileptic

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Three men are sitting in the maternity ward of a hospital waiting for
the imminent birth of their respective children. One's an Englishman,
one a Scotsman and the other a Jamaican. They are all very nervous and
pacing the floor. All of a sudden the doctor bursts through the double
doors saying "Gentlemen you won't believe this but your wives have all
had their babies within 5 minutes of each other." The men are beside
themselves with happiness and joy. "And", said the doctor, "They have
all had little boys."

The fathers are ecstatic and congratulate each other over and over. "
However, we do have one slight problem," the doctor said. "In all the
confusion we may have mixed the babies up getting them to the nursery
and would be grateful if you could join us there to try and help
identify them.

With that, the Scotsman raced past the doctor and bolted to the nursery.
Once inside he picked up a dark skinned infant with dreadlocks saying,
"There's no doubt about it, this boy is mine!"

The doctor looked bewildered and said, "Well sir, of all the babies I
would have thought that maybe this child could be of Jamaican descent."

"True", said the Scotsman, "but one of the other two is English and I'm
not taking the risk."

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A South African gold miner loses his leg in a mining accident and is sat in hospital talking to his mate.
"Well that's me f*cked, who on earth's going to want a one legged gold
digger?"

His mate replies "Well, you could try Paul McCartney"

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Paul MacCartney was in the the pub talking to a mate when he was overheard saying,' That b***h'll be on the plane as we ******** speak'.
To which his mate replied, ' Why she screwing you for a holiday on top of everything else?'
'No' says Macca, 'She's just shaving her leg'

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What happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive?

Popeye almost killed him.

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INTERESTING OBSERVATION:

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2 The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING
3 The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4 The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5 The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
and........
6 The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.

The higher you go in the corporate structure, ?
the smaller your balls become.


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Why did the little girl fall of the swing?

She had no armns or legs

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What's black and sits at the top of the stairs??
Steven Hawking in a house fire.

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What was the real reason hitler killed himself?

Because he read his gas bill!

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What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

Getting raped