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 Posted: Tue Jun 20, 2006 6:39 am
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Posted: Tue Jun 20, 2006 6:42 am
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Posted: Tue Jun 20, 2006 6:43 am
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Sadness and Emptiness
Sadness overwhelms me,
Like the waves constantly washing sand,
I don't know what I want to see
Or what I want to demand,
I feel empty.
Devoid, devoid, like a gaping hole,
In my heart is a wound.
Eating away at my soul,
I am growing empty.
Disappointed in how things turned,
Into a seemingly unstoppable force,
And I know that I have learned,
But I still feel remorse,
Because I feel empty.
How is it like this?
My song hums resoundingly through,
All that mist,
Urging me on - The cue
To go on even though I am empty.
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Posted: Tue Jun 20, 2006 6:44 am
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"NEW" - The Kookaburra Laughs and Laughs and Laughs
The cockatoo squawks,
The dingo stalks,
The robins fly,
The snakes lie.
While the kookaburra laughs and laughs and laughs.
The kangaroos hop,
The emus run stop,
The koala dines,
The lyre bird mimes,
While the kookaburra laughs and laughs and laughs.
The bandicoot peeks,
The eagle glides,
The sugar possums sip,
The kingfishers n**,
While the kookaburra laughs and laughs and laughs.
This is the poem that scored a highly commended in a competition. I wrote this in Year 4. I edited some loads of mistakes and you can see I know a lot of animals at that time!
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Posted: Tue Jun 20, 2006 6:45 am
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"NEW" - Half Yearly Exam
Question 1 Fantasy Genre, Starter 2 (I will add the starter if I ever find it XD)
Time spent on it: 60 minutes (Bad me! ToT)
Mark: 18/20
Marker's Comments: Well structured. You build tension well.
Good sense of Erik's character.
Control of language, but you could have used more interesting language devices to convey the scene.
My comments: Yeah the marker was right gonk Reading through I feel like editing but it I want to see the end results and your comments. I might edit it later if you can comment and say whether I should edit it. I will put my words in brackets to show what is feel is more appropiate and less boring and add extra words. I apologise if it is annoying. Eeh... I stopped half way as it ruins the tension! X3 Oh I know I made heaps of mistakes as well. I will write more before the event happens maybe later.
Andrea put down her book and walked (strode) over curiousity showing (plainly) in her eyes.
"What do you think is inside it?" Erik asked as they knelt, dusting the top from dirt to inspect it.
The chest was carved with ornate patterns and looked very elegant (posh? rich?). There was a large pad lock also with (intricate) patterns carved (engraved) in it. The two were brimming with excitement.
"Go fetch a hair pin and pick the lock," ordered Andrea, resuming her bossy superior self. Erik obeyed without complaining (too excited to argue) and ran up the stairs.
The wooden boards creaked as (usual when) he stepped on them. He remembered when he was young, he thought there were monsters and ghosts hiding under the boards (stairs?). The house itself was old and mysterious, years ago it was renovated. When roaming around downstairs Erik and his sister had discovered that under the stairs was nothing except dirt. They discovered that when poking around (exploring) outside the garden.
Erik felt a draught coming (blowing upwards) from under him on the stairs as he ran up, but found nothing curious (strange) about that in his haste. In Andrea's room he picked up a hair pin from the fluffy pink container (which kept part of Andrea's collection of hair accessories) and a floor board behind him creaked loudly (groaned omniously).
He spun around, feeling chills down his spine. A sudden gust of wind from his sister's room behind him made him turn around again. The window wasn't open.
A shrill shriek was heard from downstairs.
Andrea! he thought, running to the stairs. The watery light of the Winter afternoon sun poured from the window above the stairs. A shadow was there. On the landing between the two flights of stairs was a shadow. There was nothing to block the window, this he checked by glancing up.
The shadow was in the form of a woman,. a woman begging. She was kneeling, facing down the flight of stairs, her mouth gaping open and her hands held up high. The shadow turned around and face Erik, who was fixed to the spot in fear. The woman appeared, colours flowing to her whole body. The wall showed through a gaping hole where her heart was.
"Don't open the chest," was what she mouthed, lifeless eyes staring at Erik, "Burn it for me."
The woman disappeared.
Another shriek wakened him to the situation, Andrea was in trouble! he clattered downstairs shaking at a blood stain where the woman had been, and pounded to the living room.
Another shadow, was there and colouring, this time a man with a sinister glint to his eye.
"Give me your heart..." was what he boomend at the huddled figure of Andrea, as he reached towards her.
"Andrea!" Erik cried and flung himself at the chest, draggin it towards the fireplace. "Hurry and help me!"
Andrea didn't respond, whimpering as the man leaned closer. The chest was heavy and there wasn't enough time. He grabbed a log and set it in the fire place to catch fire before placing it on the chest.
The man bellowed angrily and staggered towards Erik who was tugging it with one hand on the log and the other on the blackening chest.
"Andrea! Help me!" He shouted. Andrea whimpered and curled up more.
"Now!" He bellowed angrily, "Or are you a whimp!?"
Andrea cried angrily ((Aah! The angrilies! Killing me! Oops ruined tension.)) and flung herself at the chest and helped him drag it in the fire.
The man was bewildered, then groaned before collapsing and disappearing.
"I hate you, especially calling me a whimp. To your older sister!" She cried "You read my diary!"
"That is what little brothers do," he retorted throwing the log in the fire. The chest was burning brightly and a whisper signed across the room, that was barely head.
"Thank you. For returning my heart to the soil."
Now tell me if you want an edited version and a before the event part. |
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Posted: Tue Jun 20, 2006 6:46 am
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Posted: Tue Jun 20, 2006 6:47 am
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Posted: Tue Jun 20, 2006 6:48 am
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Posted: Tue Jun 20, 2006 6:49 am
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Posted: Tue Jun 20, 2006 6:50 am
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Posted: Tue Jun 20, 2006 6:51 am
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Posted: Tue Jun 20, 2006 6:52 am
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Posted: Tue Jun 20, 2006 6:53 am
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Posted: Tue Jun 20, 2006 6:55 am
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Posted: Tue Jun 20, 2006 6:56 am
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