Welcome to Gaia! ::

I'm here! Mmkay, I'll go searching around and see what catches me eye then, eh?

Wow, where did THAT sentence come from? This is what you get from talking on the phone and posting at the same time.

I'm new too! biggrin

I'm not too sure about this first line. It gives the main characters, saying this is a narrative poem, and a bit of a view into the scene, but it's not that eye-catching, in the words of poetry.


All of these lines have around the same repetitive style, and it doesn't feel like it works. The first line did something for it, though, and I think you could build on it.


That period could be a semicolon. Also, the last line feels bland, almost unneeded.


The middle two lines were completely bland, but had a good idea behind them. Why not rewrite them? I also believe that a better metaphor is in order for the first and last lines. They aren't cliche, just borderline cliche, and they could be easily fixed.



This is a weak ending. I'd rewrite this completely, perhaps bringing in a metaphor to tie the poem off.

{I thought I'd post a critique here. Hope it isn't too mediocre.}

Hmm. I'm not sure if your title is the best. Play around with it?


I think this metaphor is a bit on the bland side, and the wording really isn't helping that much. I like the idea of an insomniac, but let's pull out some more imagery to make it feel a bit more... I dunno. Interesting is a bit harsh, but -- Yeah, I'm rambling. Anywho, the last line feels pretty weak.


I think the first line here is the borderline cliche: acceptable, but not very. I think a comma after 'streets' would make this a bit easier to read. This also felt pretty straightforward. Its okay to state things in poetry, just don't do it too much.


Now, I think this absolute gold. This is a nice concept, but I still think your wording needs to be fixed up.


Hmm. I like the contradictiory {Is that even a word? xp } last sentence; you pulled it off. But, I'm still not liking the wording. You were adventerous with your line breaks, and I like that. Just, take it a little further. The one-word-liners can work wonders when used correctly.



That first comma should be a semicolon. Also, since you've been going with correct punctuation so far, go ahead and add quotes around the last line. Also, I like this wording, though 'empty' is a bit redundant.


Oh oh oh. Cliche right here. I think you could take this and take it to so much farther heights, but you just landed here. It's a bit of a downer.


Okays, I think that first bit of repetition of 'clearer' really didn't do that much. Also, I think a metaphor for 'the meaning of life' would be a lot better than just spilling it out like you did. Make that first period a semicolon.



Hmm. I like this ending. The brushing teeth concept was nice, and this was refreshing compared to the rest of the poem [no offense or anything].

Overall: Your wording was probably the part of this poem I didn't like the most. It felt flatter than a piece of paper {when its not turned into origami or crumpled up}, and really took away. You had a good concept, but try putting some more imagery and metaphors in there. Be daring with you punctuation and line breaks, too. Its fun to make people think about your line breaks, and gives a better reading and understanding.

EDITED: Added author and title.
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I would like this a lot more if that was a period instead of a comma. Just because, I guess. But on the other hand I hate 'life.' Yes. Because it's abstract and cliched and stupid and tits or gtfo. Instead of life, how's about you put some sort of image representing beginning, yeah? Any sort. Kind of like a magic trick, it sounds like, dunnit?



Blizzards, mebbe. Because. That's kind of awkwards, yeah.

Ok, uh, we get that they're doin' stuff. Now let's show it all, right? Poetry does equal showyshowy. So instead of saying lozl, brid n da sno, give us the scene, right? Right? Yes, I'm always right.

Now, 'bearing urgent tidings.' It's. Blah. Actually very reminiscent of Christmas carols, you know, all that. But anyways, it means nothing to me and doesn't convey anything. Instead let's give it a weight and tell it by the effort of the [metaphorical] bird, or sommut. Yeah? Images images.



Where on earth did this falcon come from, eh? And suddenly, falcons! Thousands of them! It's odd. I mean I get that it's the ending of life and whatnot but it's just strange and jerks the reader in a bad way. So far, I'm fine with the idea but I don't like how you're going about it. You know? Describe the dove, describe meeting the falcon, maybe. Et cetera. Et cetera.



But why the sudden interjection with hand and pen when we're talking about some birds, here?



Really don't like 'falls through,' since it's awkward. Yes. More awkward.



I kind of like this last bit. Vaguely. Mainly the use of 'pirouettes' and 'sky blue tiles,' since they seem to match up really well. Keep that. :XP:

But the hand thing ticks me off, I'm afraid. It's just so odd and random and, no. :' (. But you can easily turn this into something- anyone can turn nearly anything into something. I'd suggest Have Your Pi's sticky, the Guide to Poetry, in the OP/L. 3nodding Otherwise, just take what advice I've given you and try again, ok?

Good luck!

Oh god. I'm going to be talking to myself! surprised



I'm not sure about this title. It feels... Boring. Like, really boring. I think you could make it have the same effect, but this ain't cutting it.


Hmm. I think this a pretty good start. I like the whole 'I can't sleep on your couch' vibe.


Well, I believe that blankets wouldn't make skin more aware of the cool. Also, that second line feels pretty weak. Maybe it's something with the line breaks.


Wait. It just said that you were covered with blankets, right? Be a little more clear. Also, I do like how it's stating that the blankets were skimpy. Interesting way of saying it, but this format isn't working.



I find this really kiddy-cute. I think the question is okay, but I'm not sure about leaving it unanswered. The whole 'snail-mail' thing; is it a ploy to say you think its too expensive?



Okay, too young for what? I think I know what you're implying, but let's make sue that everyone knows, shall we? The 'look in the mirror' is kinda borderline cliche, too. I think it's acceptable to keep, though, in this setting.



Ah, sharing memories? Well, let's make sure you know that the reader will pick up on this memory-vibe.



I think that 'music' could be replaced with 'FM radio' or something to stay with that mainstream air.



Crunchy photographs? Cool! I think that 'notes' could move to the line above it.



Color me bored? Hmm, I'm not sure if this is cliche or not, but I'd be careful with it. The first line break wasn't very good, either. Also, are we going back to the feeding the ducks theme? I like it. I think you've got a little redundance with 'stale'.



Heh. Cute.



Okay, and all I can say is WTF? I think this would be a lovely concept if it weren't so bluntly put out.



Ooh. And now we go to the pressure-of-Mother that everyone feels. I believe someone took a little note from Ms. Plath on that first sentence.



This first sentence just screams "SO NOVELTY-LIKE THAT ITS CHEESY". Now, c'mon. You can do better than that.



Very smart right here. Taking the video game trials to the extreme? I do believe that 'broken dream' was cliche, though. In fact, that first sentence could use some re-wording.



Oh, I like this ending. Very watch-your-words like.




Overall: Okay, not exactly the best, but it's acceptable. Maybe. I liked all the ideas, and how it felt very transitional throughout a young life. Nice for the whole underlying autobio. BUT. You need to make sure everyone knows what the hell you're talking about. Its okay to be abstract, but there's no need to go abstraction-overboard.

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Scary loves setting strange examples and such.

Yeah, I've always had problems with its and it's. gonk I can't get it programmed into my brain...


Thanks, though, heart