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 Posted: Tue Dec 16, 2014 11:11 pm
First was the report and it was, despite everything, as hoped for. First was a text sent to Konstantin, tell him she was okay but might not be home for the night. But America's first real stop after getting back from her mission was as promised. Not bothering to clean up the mess of her person, it was obvious she'd been in a fight somewhere dirty and equally obvious that there'd been a fire of some sort. But she was whole and walking around, for a Hunter that meant everything had likely gone incredibly well. She paused outside the door for several long moments and almost considered knocking, but in the end simply braced herself before opening the door. "Well, here I am so go ahead."
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Posted: Tue Dec 16, 2014 11:28 pm
He was sitting upright in his bed, his knees drawn up and one of the fine journals she'd gotten him cradled against them and a pen in his hand, and there was still a lingering smell of pot and cheap liquor even though the windows were open. He didn't answer immediately, just looked somewhere past her knees after a quick glance over the rest of her, his tongue passing back and forth over his teeth, his expression somewhere between sullen and worried. "Did everything go OK?"
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Posted: Tue Dec 16, 2014 11:41 pm
Leaning back against the door, she sighed and admitted, "Base was Red. We managed to save one, but last man standing disappeared like most of the others." For once she wasn't bragging, wasn't reveling in her victories. "If it makes you feel any better he was just as mad at me for bothering as you." She offered him a wry smile at this, "I can't even say why I try with him the way I do, he hates me so ******** much you have no idea. I just always feel I need to, regardless."
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Posted: Tue Dec 16, 2014 11:49 pm
Her calm relaying of what they'd found drained some of the will to be anger out of him, replaced it with fear that she was leaving something out or possibly just faking it; he found himself wondering if the nightly need to escape would escalate and whether her brave face was genuine or not the reminder of her hidden frailties heralded a pang, a reminder of how much he'd let himself get attached. He absently tapped the pen against the journal, still staring past her, through her. "I wish you didn't," he said finally, returning his eyes to the page.
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Posted: Wed Dec 17, 2014 12:08 am
"Giving up on people takes a lot, takes years even," she explained softly, almost to herself as she finally moved from the door and into the room. Carefully not touching the bed with soot still worked into her hands, America leaned down to place a kiss on his head. "I'm sorry it hurt you, and I'm mad you'd say goodbye like that, but I'm gonna use your shower now. If you get up the urge to yell I'll still listen, I just wanna feel halfway to human and not smell like burnt hay."
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Posted: Wed Dec 17, 2014 12:26 am
Maybe he'd foreseen this, because there was a fresh towel waiting for her, and one of his sweaters. And for a while, maybe, it seemed like that'd be it: no blow-up, no discussion, just a more-or-less normal night, all his tension dissipated with time and alcohol and a long-gone joint. But she'd barely had time to get the water running clear before he slipped in, folding up on the edge of the bathtub and listening to the shower running, his hands in his pockets. He lifted his voice just enough to be heard, but it was not yelling. Not yet, anyway. "Does it not matter what he's--I just can't understand," he said finally, tired. "I really ******** can't and I've tried. And for what it's worth I'm sorry for the send-off, but I was too pissed to see straight."
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Posted: Wed Dec 17, 2014 12:50 am
She was quiet for a while, inspecting the lines of brilliant purples and reds patterning her torso that grew more vivid under the spray. "It matters," came the eventual answer. "I just..." Another pause, even longer this time, Still for a bit, America eventually resumed the motions of getting clean, turning back into a person rather than some missions aftermath. "You talk a lot about people deserving things, but I don't see people like that. And I can't ******** logic it out, okay? He's so ******** backward about s**t, like a ******** bird flying into a window over and over again, and if it keeps going that window's gonna break and if you just let it in well then there's this ******** bird in your house and you wanna be angry right? And maybe you are but it's also like, This ******** thing doesn't understand windows and I don't know what it's trying to do but nothing good is gonna come from it hurting itself and breaking s**t and does it even know where it's going?" Tears were in her voice as she rambled, half coherent, "And it's not pity, it's not. That bird's digging its own ******** grave but wouldn't it be nice if it didn't have to die in front of you? Wouldn't it be nice if after all that stupid ******** hurt it learned to check for windows and maybe you wouldn't have to keep on replacing them, and maybe you wouldn't have to see it all bleeding and injured pointlessly all the ******** time and maybe it'd go somewhere nice in the end?" A moment's pause. "I don't know Taym, most of the time I don't even like him, it's just really ******** hard to leave him be."
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Posted: Wed Dec 17, 2014 12:56 am
Another long, long silence, and she couldn't see it but he was twisting his lip back and forth in his fingers like he did when he was, in a word, troubled: not angry or frustrated, just concerned and unable to accurately articulate why. What he finally said was: "I don't know him all that well so it's possible I'm just projecting--" and then it wasn't about Rep, not at all, or at least not directly and not immediately "--but I have every reason to suspect that Jordan Miller is an exceptional person. And he's spent years trying to teach that bird what a window is, and I'm pretty sure all he's got to show for it is bloodied fingers." The barest hesitation. "I know you want to fix things but some things are too ******** broken to fix, and it scares the hell out of me when you keep trying."
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Posted: Wed Dec 17, 2014 1:09 am
"I know." The bathroom echoes with her unhappy laugh, "And he loved Jordan. I'm probably just as much a bird at the window as Rep, but I'm gonna try and be more careful. I can't say I'll stop but I can promise you that much? I took a risk today and it worked out, but there were things I should have done..."
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Posted: Wed Dec 17, 2014 1:34 am
"He tried to kill me," he repeated. "He did kill people. And he doesn't--he doesn't feel guilt. He doesn't think he did anything wrong. Time and again he justifies it. How can you--I just don't understand," he repeated, and now he was frustrated. "He's not a project. He's a ******** murderer. He's not any better or more worthwhile a project than Weiman."
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Posted: Wed Dec 17, 2014 1:49 am
"I killed people, Taym," her firm reply signals the gathering of herself, the cease of tears. "And even if I've got a good deal of guilt over it, that doesn't make anybody any less dead." Hands in her hair, watch grime circle for the drain she continued, "He could have killed me today, no consequences and the job was nearly done, I think he wanted to. But he didn't and maybe that's something and maybe it isn't.“
Rinse.
"I stopped trying to make a project of him awhile ago, just sometimes..."
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Posted: Wed Dec 17, 2014 1:56 am
"Sometimes you're willing to overlook the fact that he doesn't feel guilt? It's a sign of how far ********' gone he is that you're feeling like making impressed noises over the fact that he refrained from murdering you. What an accomplishment."
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Posted: Wed Dec 17, 2014 2:08 am
The shower keeps running.
Rinse.
Soap.
Rinse.
Soap.
Rinse.
Breathe.
Rinse.
Breathe.
"I think he does." And finally the water stops. She watches the water slip away, swirling around her feet and down the drain. "I don't overlook anything, I just hope things can get better."
This last took a sullen, morose tone.
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Posted: Wed Dec 17, 2014 2:15 am
Another long silence. He'd found a stray bobby pin in his pocket where he'd idly put it cleaning and he was turning it over in his fingers. "Do you really think that I have a negative capacity for hope in general or are you just trying to hit me somewhere it hurts?"
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Posted: Wed Dec 17, 2014 2:22 am
"I'm not trying to say anything about you at all!" America cried, stepping out and snatching up the towel. "I'm not trying to hurt or betray you!" Frustrated with the entirety of the day's events she roughly began to dry off, heedless of her injuries. "I'm not even saying I'm right, okay? I'm just..."
Taking a broken breath, she finished lamely, "I'm just how I am and hate feeling like I have to apologize for that."
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