You girls can comment if you want. It's just some things that have been weighing on my mind, so it's really not that big of a deal.

So... I might only be fifteen, but I have drank my fair share of alcoholic drinks... I'm not an alcoholic though! And I refuse to let it reach that level. To be honest, it calms me.. so I drink like half a bottle and then dump it. Actually, it's usually my mom's wine. And she pours it four me. When we go to my sister's, alcohol is basically all they have, so of course I'm allowed to drink there. BUT I'm quitting. Period. To be honest... I quit last month. Haven't touched an ounce of alcohol (save for when it's in food and junk) since. IT SUCKS. I can't even deny it. There are days at the farm, at my sister's and other places when I'm the only one who isn't twenty one (other than my brother, but he does it anyways and they let him) and can't drink. But that's the thing... I'm not twenty one. Maybe then I'll do it and see if I can still drink responsibly. And speaking of alcohol and my brother. He's eighteen (nineteen in October) and get drunk all the time! And they let him do it like he doesn't have crap to do the next day! And then I have half a beer.. and I can easily step away and they get so weary about me like I'm stumbling drunk! I can't stand it.

And another thing about my brother.. I hate this shadow he's cast over me. We are so different, but I'm supposed to live up to him! Ugh. I don't want to hunt. I love animals. I would rather play video games. I don't want to work in Chicken Houses. That's just nasty. I mean.. I'm okay with riding fourwheelers like he is and mud bogging and stuff, but I'm not driving it like a retard. And I don't want to be in the doctor field. I want to be a video game designer. I actually think my parents want me to be the opposite of him from here on out. But here's the problem, this is where I WANT to be like him. He is SO free-spirited, yet He gets the best grades ever (I kinda do too..). However, I worry about EVERYTHING. That boy doesn't even study. I don't want to study... I wanna learn how to do what he does. He can drive ninety miles per hour every where and text and outrun the cops all at the same time. I know. I was in the truck when he did it. I only WISH I could drive like that. Because he doesn't hurt a soul doing it. He's so irrational and rational at the same time THAT IT KILLS ME. I want to be able to have fun and succeed in life like he does my parents on ly want the second option for me.

And now.. on to my parents. Yeah.. I'm just.. kind of a disappointment to my dad. You know the song "Perfect" by Simple Plan? that kind of describes our relationship. I could do anything and it won't please him. Why? because he wants his little girl to be as country as can be. And I am kinda country. But I listen to rock, a little heavy metal, my hair is "all in my face and emo-lookin' ", I want crazy colors in my hair, I want tattoos, I wear converse and shop in Hot Topic, etc. etc. yeah... not exactly his vision of the perfect daughter.

And then... a completely different topic. To be honest, I've done research on this, so I'm not exaggerating. I have had this bump on my shoulder. it's bruised and it's gotten bigger since I first noticed it. At first I thought it was just a bruise because you couldn't feel anything. Then it felt like an ant bite. Now it's like... a Chinese marble. I am going to the doctor, but I'm really scared it's cancer. It runs in the family, so I'm scared I got the gene. I got every OTHER illness gene. I am just kinda scared. I won't deny it.

And yeah... I'll probably post again soon. xP