Welcome to Gaia! ::

Relevant crits start on page 2. Original character concept here.

Note: This character will Rped with a semi-heavy Southern accent.

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Hi there! A few things popped out at me while I was reading.

For the first, I understand that she has an accent and that it will show up in RP, but it's a bit unnecessary to write her profile in the accent. It makes it a bit difficult to read and it's distracting for me as a reader; when I'm reading about the concept and core personality of a character, I want to be able to understand it as I read it, not ponder over words that have been clipped or rearranged or substituted and eventually have to translate it. It just leads to some personal frustration for me, and it makes it harder for me to grasp her character because I have to work harder at it. =(;;

I love her hobbies! They are very cat-like and give her opportunity to interact with others while still giving me a good idea of who she is and what she's all about, which is definitely the goal. I like that she's not the typical lazy cat, either, although that is for purely personal reasons, as our newest cat is a little devil bugger and the only time he is still is to sleep. So, I like seeing an active, in-your-face kitty.

And then I turn around and see that she does, in fact, personify the lazy cat. For someone as active and seemingly bouncy as her hobbies imply, I don't know if this trait really fits her that well? The impression I was getting of her was of a girl who was on the go, flitting from person to person to party to party and then crashing when the day was done. If you do want her to be a more relaxed character that's fine, it just wasn't the impression I got at first, so perhaps a bit of clarity there? Then again, it might just be me. But someone who likes to go to parties and flit around and socialize probably doesn't spend all their time at the party laying underneath the window soaking up sunshine, you know? I suppose a better direction for me to take this portion of the crit would be to ask why does she like parties? Does she like the atmosphere? The amount of people? The attention she will get? The food that generally comes with it? Does she like to be part of the energy and enthusiasm, or does she like to sit off to the side and feed off it? If she does go to parties for interaction, does she do so in cat form or her human form? Does she tuck her tail in her pants and wear a hat? How does she deal with being underfoot and getting stepped on, if she does like to be part of the main energy of the party? Even if it's just a little kid's birthday party, that is a lot of pairs of little legs with little feet in little shoes that will step on tiny kitty toes and tails. Well, if that cat isn't being picked up and swung around by its armpits, anyway. =)

I love how outgoing and self-confident tie together while still retaining the unique qualities as virtues. Motherly, too, makes sense in this context, as it paints the picture of someone who is not afraid to put herself out there, approach those in need, and take care of them even if they maybe don't want the assistance. It serves her purpose very well as a guardian cat, as those characters are intended to give guidance and support, and she is shaping up to be able to function very well in that aspect by being not only approachable but firm enough in her convictions to still do what she feels is right even if she gets lip for it.

For friendly, not fighter, I can see this trait working for her, but in order for it to be a flaw there are going to have to be some real consequences of it. If she will jump in and fight when it's necessary, or she will let others fight when it's necessary, it's not actually a flaw because when it comes to crunch time, everything is still okay. If she resists fighting in the face of common sense (as in, the enemy is advancing and she insists they need to talk it out, and takes to dodging/instructing her charges to dodge rather than attack, resulting in them getting hurt) then it will be a flaw, because there are real consequences. If she honestly believes that people can settle their disagreements without first resorting to violence, this trait will work, but you will need to tip it a little more toward the extreme if you want it to be a working flaw. If she's mostly dealing with chibi senshi, for instance, if she's instructing them not to take the offensive and instead try to reason with their enemies, this will put them at a disadvantage in battle. If she holds back until someone gets hurt and then jumps into the fray, this sort of reluctance will make it a flaw. As it stands, though, it's not reading as quite as solid of a flaw as it should be in order to be considered one of her main flaws.

Miscommunication, again, is not a very strong flaw at the moment because it's not actually all that detrimental to her unless you highlight how it would be. Does she get flustered by the idea of battle and thus her accent increases? Does she distract her charges by trying to instruct them, but they can't understand what she's saying and so they're confused on the battlefield? Does she get angry when others can't understand her and then later reprimand them for it?

Chatterbox would work for me a little better as flaw, too, if it was a little more fleshed out. Does her chatterbox tendency extend to battle? Does she try to backseat drive while she lets others fight and holds herself back? Does her gossiping include... secret-keeping? This could be extended into another flaw entirely, if you wanted to take that direction with it; does she gossip and sometimes let things slip like the location for a meeting, or mentioning some names together that will give people a heads up on the tactics of the senshi? (For example, mentioning Taranis and Magellan in tandem in unsupervised conversation could tip off a Nega that if they find Magellan alone, it's likely Taranis will be somewhere close by. It could give insight into team tactics!) Does she have to make a conscious effort to keep secrets? Can she be bribed into complacency with food and then end up letting more slip than she wanted to? Does she often have to backtrack and end up tipping off her own senshi that, oops, she might have let slip the location of their preferred training grounds? The extent that you'd want to take the chatterbox trait could make it a really solid, defining flaw for her, given how sociable and busy-body like she seems to be, and it could give you a lot of room to develop her character and encounter rocky situations with allies and friends in the future that she'd have to overcome.

And I crit as I go along, so I see that she has forgetful as a trait! I'm not sure exactly how well this will mesh with the rest of the character you've sculpted for her, though it could be done. How forgetful is she? Will she forget the names of her charges, or confuse them? Will she not show up on time to meetings because she's forgotten the time or place? Will she accidentally let some details slip and then forget to warn her charges about them, putting them in danger? There's also a lot of potential for this to be a pretty solid flaw, or you could keep it just a minor one if you wanted to highlight one of the others. I think it goes very well hand-in-hand with chatterbox, though, if you play down the actual forgetful aspect a tad bit and play up the gossipy one a bit.

I hope that helped! =) She's a really interesting character who sounds like she'll be a lot of fun to play, and I hope to see her soon. <3

Does Marie spend a lot of time in human form?

When I was looking at Tidying Up and Socializing, that was the first thing that popped into my mind. Unless she is just talking to Senshi, a normal person would kinda freak out while talking to a cat. Also, when she is cleaning, is it just small stuff cats can do, or is she in human form to clean as well? If she is in cat form, if she can't manage the task with her own paws, does she recruit someone else, or let it be?

Also, how does she go to parties if she can't remember dates, or times very well? Does she have someone write them down for her, or are parties an exception to the rule. (I bond with Marie on this, numbers suck)

I LOVE the fact that she is on the "bigger" side. Fluffy kitties are the best! And the human you have depicted is very unique for this environment. Is there going to be a story about how she came to Destiny City?

SO. You asked me to come back and bring my carving knife. Here it is:



Such as a disclaimer, the carving knife means that I am going to tear through this quest and really pick at what does not or does work for me, based on my own opinion. As it stands, this character would be stamped for RP. Now I am going to go through and tell you what I think could be done to make her really stand out. This advice can be taken or you can leave it! It is, again, my opinion.

FOR HOBBIES:

Out of all of your hobbies, TIDYING UP is the one that makes me stop and go: okay, now that is awesome. It is adorable, a clear echo of her meddling, maternal ways, and not something that I see in many cat profiles.

PEOPLE WATCHING/SOCIALIZING are more common and sort of a throwaway, I think. You could touch on the fact that she likes socializing as a virtue when you talk about her being outgoing. She is a guardian cat. I assume she watches humans curiously. This is sort of a 'meh' trait. If you changed it to something more dynamic like STALKING or COME-AND-GO COMPANIONSHIP. Maybe she sees someone, gets intrigued, and then follows them around like a weird cat shadow for weeks at a time because it is like watching television for her. Or, maybe she likes to flit from house to house being 'adopted' for a week or so at a time before just disappearing because she just loves being loved? These are variations on the trait you have. They are just a little more specific and evocative.

ON VIRTUES/FLAWS:

EASYGOING doesn't really feel like she is that easygoing. You write it and say, "She is easygoing when she doesn't have things to do." So... is she really ALWAYS easygoing? Is this really something that should be highlighted as one of her most important virtues? She is patient too -- but not about food! This is another qualification. I would make this more about her great penchant to be flexible/adaptable in a variety of situations with some concrete examples of this to back it up.

OUTGOING/SELF-CONFIDENT describe the same aspect of Marie's personality: she likes people and isn't bashful about it. Sure, are both traits unique? Yep. Could I have one without the other and still get the jist of her personality? Yep! You want every single virtue and flaw to feel like the most important, irreplaceable things ever. I'd combine these into something else and then add another virtue about her personality that isn't here yet.

I like MOTHERLY because I love that she grooms people.

FRIEND, NOT A FIGHTER is also qualified. She doesn't like fighting, but GOD HELP YOU IF YOU COME AFTER ONE OF HER CHARGES! This is a backdoor to her flaw that makes it less flawy. If she is a total coward when it comes to battle, then that should persist even if one of her charges is threatened. Is she the guardian cat always encouraging people to run away? Is she the guardian cat who hides under a bench when the fighting is going on? Does she really just want to cuddle and chat about stuff instead of actually doing the battle-related duties of her position? I would figure this out and redefine the flaw around your answers.

Also, you should always consider the existing cats when you think about bringing in a new one. Derp is already the sort of dawwwww, chatty, no-brains guardian cat. Marie could certainly be the more mature, still cuddly, still chatty guardian cat, but it is always going to help you to be different in a competition. To me, CHATTERBOX makes her sound immature, but with the maternal flaw, I thought of her as a slightly more controlled guardian cat. That is just food for thought.

FORGETFUL makes me think of Derp too, honestly. It is 'meh' to me in its presentation. A solid flaw? Certainly. Something that I am going to remember when I move on to the next quest to read? Nope. Her virtues and hobbies did not make me think of Derp at all -- but all of her flaws so far have.

I think ROLLING STONE would be more unique if it did not focus on how she gets lost, but instead focused on how she never really stays in one place for a long time and can be sort of unreliable in that way. She just keeps moving from place to place, family to family, fixation to fixation. To me, the social, chubby, confident cat is not going to be bumbling around the city blindly like some amateur. BUT. This is my opinion. This flaw is, in general, strong.

THE JIST IS: make sure you aren't trying to settle her into the derp-de-derp niche that Derpraline is in. It will hurt your chances in a contest. She is definitely different from Derp, but when I read her flaws, I thought about Derp many times. For regular stamping, this would not matter to me. But because you asked for carving knife... this is one of those carving things!

ON RPING WITH AN ACCENT:

This is definitely a personal call. In roleplays, I personally find it very distracting and hard to muddle through when someone writes in a thick phonetic accent. I would encourage you to definitely use the vocabulary that she would have and perhaps unique phrasing ("I was fixing to," "Ain't nothing," etc.), but I would perhaps caution you from being too pressing when writing it in her dialogue. To me, it is a fine line between: "I ain't nuthin' but peas and gravy!" and "Aintcha gonna git down that thar farm n' start whistlin' n' choppin' n -- ooooh doogie!" (I know this is the wrong accent. I'm not familiar with the Louisiana one!) This isn't really a note on the character herself, just a tiny bit of consideration.

"She don't even have to hungry to eat," - do you mean "she doesn't even have to be hungry to eat"?

I'm not sure shameless is really a flaw. Yeah, people might look down on her for it but I think it's more of an outlook on life than anything.

Also, I like "Let the good times roll" too and love that you made her Creole! New Orleans is one of my favorite cities.