Welcome to Gaia! ::

~*The Official Post Your Progress Guild*~ Writers Support!

Back to Guilds

We support fellow writers by tracking and displaying word and page counts. 

Tags: Writing, Write, Poetry, Novels, Stories 

Reply Post Your Work: Originals/Fanfiction
2012: The End (Need Critiques)

Quick Reply

Enter both words below, separated by a space:

Can't read the text? Click here

Submit

ecopper12

PostPosted: Wed Oct 06, 2010 3:32 am


The first chapter turned out to be the longest I have written, so it took me a while to get myself back up to peak ability and onto chapter two. In this post is the completed chapter one, and what I have of chapter two. Please read and give me your opinions.

-------------------------------------------------------

Chapter One: December 21, 2012

Alex Boulder was in a world of trouble. He had no idea where he was, or what he was doing. All he knew was that he had to get out of here, and fast. Minutes prior to this, he had been approached by a hooded figure while he was walking to the local store to pick up some things. The figure had grabbed his arm and pulled him back. Alex had taken one look at who had yanked him back, and took off running. Seeing a large man with a long hooded robe was not a welcome sight this late at night. So now, as he ran, he turned his gaze to his backside, where the man was still following close behind. Alex stumbled forward when he saw how the man was moving. He appeared to be gliding on air! When he turned forward, he tried to skid to a halt, but it was too late to stop. Alex slammed right into the side of a fruit cart, and fell to the ground gasping for air. The figure closed in on him, and Alex — still trying to catch his breath — closed his eyes and prayed.

"Alex Boulder, is it?" The figure spoke in a raspy voice that reminded him of bones rattling. Alex nodded his head slowly. He was shaking almost uncontrollably while he lay there. "You have avoided me too many times. I have come to claim what is rightfully mine." The man said in that same rasp.

"What do you mean?" Alex sputtered, finally able to speak.

"All will be revealed very soon." The man said. Alex watched as he reached a bony hand up to his hood, and slowly pulled it back. His eyes widened with fear at what he saw. This man! He was not normal. He had no facial features identifiable as human in nature, as his face appeared to be nothing but a skull. It was at that moment, Alex realized who this person was, and exactly what he wanted. This man was Death, and he had come for Alex's mortality.

Beep...Beep...Beep...


Groggily, Alex opened one eye. He used that eye to look over at the source of the noise. It was the damn alarm clock. He was about to roll back over, when he realized that it was a school day. He sat up quickly, without realizing how close he was to the edge of the bed. As he fell, he grabbed the sheets in a futile attempt to save himself. He hit the ground with a thud, and bumped the dresser, which sent the alarm clock down onto his face. Alex cried out in pain, and his mother who was downstairs cooking eggs, raced upstairs to her son's room.

"Alex? Are you oka-" she began. When her gaze fell to the floor, she sighed heavily at her son's clumsiness. "Alex, what are you doing on the floor?" She asked with a hint of disappointment in her voice. Alex's mother was a strong-willed woman who had a kind heart. Despite all the challenges the family faced, she always managed to keep her chin up in the worst of situations. "I swear child, I don't know what to think of you sometimes," she said, her tone quickly changing to one with a chuckle in it. Alex didn't speak, partly because his face was still in a lot of pain, but mostly because he had just remembered his dream. The one that had little effect on him when he woke up was starting to hit him hard now.

It was true what Death had said. Alex had been through so many things that had nearly caused him to die, but by some miracle, he had survived each one. When he was six, he fell from the top of a tall tree in his back yard, and had hit several branches on his way down. Each one hit either his midsection or his head, and when he finally got to the ground he had been knocked out. His mother drove him to the hospital, and the doctors said he would probably never be able to remember his name. When he came to, the first thing he said was, "Mommy? Is the tree alright?" When he was twelve, he was riding his bike across a busy highway to get to school. The light changed green as he passed by, and a car hit him head on. The doctors were amazed that he could still walk.

Alex had been a accident prone child, and it had all seemed to settle down when he got to the age of 17. By that time, he hadn't had any accidents for two years. Today was a special day for him too, and he just didn't know it yet.

"Here Alex. Take this," his mother said, setting a gift box down by his head. He sat up and the alarm clock fell into his lap as he reached over to the box. He then realized what day it was. His lips curled into a smile as he tore open his birthday gift. It was an expensive watch. In fact, it was the one Alex had been hoping for the past couple months. He could even see himself reflected in the glass. His dark hair was a mess, and his green eyes shone brightly. He looked up at his mother with a huge smile.

"Thanks mom. You're the best!" He said putting it on. In place of the three, there was a date marker. It read 21 and Alex's grin began to fade. His mother walked out of the room without noticing his change in demeanor. "December 21, 2012. I wonder if the legends are true..." He whispered to himself.

Beep...Beep...Beep...

"Oh s**t! I have to get ready for school!" Alex shouted as he hopped up from the floor. He raced to his closet and threw on the first shirt he saw. It was a black short sleeve shirt with the letter "A" on it. He had gotten it custom made before, and almost always wore it. He slipped into a pair of blue jeans, and headed down the stairs. After he yelled to his mother that he was heading out without breakfast, he walked out the door.

Alex had never been in such a rush before. Usually, he was always on time and was never late for anything at all. Today seemed off though. Something in the back of his mind was telling him that today would be a bad day as he boarded the bus. He scanned the rows of seats for his friend, who was never in the same place day to day. When he found her near the middle of the bus, he sat down. "Hey Cat," Alex said to his best friend.

Caitlin Freedman had been Alex's best friend since the start of that school year. He had gotten on the bus one morning to see her sitting all alone. It was the only seat left open, so Alex sat down next to her. She didn't say much at the start, but he tried to make conversation. He started with small talk like why he hadn't seen her before. She was a transfer student from another county, one Alex had been to many times. He then turned away to leave her alone, because she didn't seem interested in talking to him. She would just stare out the window and reply in as few words as possible. Alex was about to ask her something else, and when he turned he saw her cleaning her glasses. Her brown hair fell in curls over her shoulders in such a way that she looked so different. He looked at her face and said with a chuckle, "Have you ever considered contacts? That face is not something you should hide behind those thick frames," Caitlin turned and looked at him for the first time that morning and smiled. "They make my eyes hurt," she said simply. They both laughed, and from that moment on, they became friends.

"Oh! Hey Alex!" Cat said moving a little closer to the window so Alex could sit more comfortably. "What's up?" she asked him in her musical voice. Alex sighed and tilted his head back so it rested in the top of the bus's seat.

"You wouldn't believe me if I told you," he said with a smirk.

"Try me!" Cat said turning the tables.

"Well alright then!" Alex said sitting up straight again. "You know what today is right?" He began, "It's not only Friday and my birthday, but it is also the day people have been talking about for years, Cat. It's December 21,2012. Remember? The day we are supposed to get hit by that gigantic meteor? The Wormwood Prophecy I think they called it."

"Come on Alex, you don't honestly believe that do you? Look outside the window for me. What do you see?" Alex stared out of the glass window of the bus. He saw clear skies, green trees and birds on top of the telephone wires. Nothing out of the ordinary, but Alex still couldn't shake the ominous feeling.

"Cat, you don't know for sure. It could still happen, we just don't know when," Alex said. He looked into her hazel eyes, and she stared back into his.

"Try not to worry. After all, we wouldn't want you to become one of those homeless people holding the signs up, would we?" She grinned.

The bus lurched to a halt in front of the school. As the kids got off of the bus, the bell rang, and everyone hurried to their classes. No one took notice of the warm breeze that blew through, even though it was the winter season. Alex and Cat said their goodbyes to each other as they headed to their respective classes. Caitlin to Biology, and Alex to English. Alex didn't hear the clicking of heels closing in on him until they were right behind him.

"Oh, Alex my dear!" Said a feminine voice. Alex whipped around upon hearing his name, only to be caught immediately in an embrace. This had become a daily routine for him, but he still never got used to it.

"Holly, what are you doing? I have to get to class," Alex said trying to separate himself from the girl's hold.

"Why, I'm only giving my favorite guy in the whole world a hug!" She said finally releasing him.

"Favorite guy? Holly, what are you talking about? We aren't together. How many times do I have to tell you? I'm not interested in a relationship right now."

"Oh, come now Alex. You're too focused on school work! Loosen up! Have some fun!" She said giving him a playful wink. Alex just sighed.

"I'm sorry, but I have to get to class. Good bye," With that, he turned around and headed up the stairs to his classroom, leaving Holly standing there, shocked. Holly was a rich girl, who usually always got what she wanted. Including the hearts of men. Alex had been the first to ever resist her charm, and she had been chasing after him ever since. She could feel her face flushing as she blew strands of her blonde hair out of her eyes. She would have him, one way or another, she would have his heart.

Chapter Two: The End

Riiing...Riiing...Riiing...

The bell sounded through the school, and the hallways which were usually bustling with people by now, were strangely empty. People were gathered at the windows of their classrooms, staring out at the sky. it was pitch black except for a few spots where it was glowing a strange orange color. No one was talking, and no one moved a muscle. It was apparent school could not go on, so everyone was sent home early. Alex left his last period with a grim expression. It was just as he feared...

As he boarded the bus, he could almost feel the paranoia hanging in the thick, hot air. This did not look good at all. Even the cool kids were struggling to act laid back like they usually did. One kid though, always kept his cool no matter what the situation. Greg Hand: Alex's worst enemy. It was normal for Alex to be pushed around by Greg, but recently, Greg's bullying seemed to get more and more physical. It was almost to the point of a fight every time they laid eyes on each other.

"Well, look what we have here. Chicken s**t has come to play." Greg said grinning.

"Not now, Greg. Can't you wait until, oh, I don't know, it doesn't look like death outside?" Alex retorted. He had honestly had enough of Greg's teasing at the most inopportune of times. It had been like this ever since Greg and Alex had been children. Greg grew up on the same street as Alex, and they had never gotten along well as kids. Greg would always push Alex, who would grab hold of Greg's dark black hair as he fell, causing them for fall into a heap on the floor. They had never liked each other, and it showed.

"If you don't like me talking, then how about you come and do something about it?" Greg said, pushing the hair out of his face. When he put his hand back down to his side, the piercings he had above his eye were now visible. He also had two on his lip, and Alex never understood it. He always thought: if you were meant to have piercings, you would have been born with a hole there.

Alex was about to say something, when the bus driver yelled for them to sit down. Alex took his usual seat next to Caitlin, and the bus pulled away from the school.

Alex began to shiver halfway down the road. Caitlin turned to him with fear in her eyes, "Alex, maybe you were right. Maybe..." She began. The look in Alex's eyes told her she shouldn't even mention that this might be the end. It was too obvious already, and saying it would be making the inevitable outcome seem even more threating that it already was. Thee whole bus was silent the rest of the ride home.

"Alright kids. I'm not making all the stops here with the weather looking like it is. All of you have to get out here." The bus driver growled. She never much liked the kids anyway, so the faster she could be rid of them the better. All of the children filed out of the bus and stood there, looking at the sky. The few orange spots that were in the air when they left school were now pulsing brighter and dimmer. It was like a heartbeat. Alex turned to say goodbye to Cat, when he saw her sit down slowly on the curb, and put her face in her hands. Alex knelt down beside her, and put his hand on her shoulder.

"Cat, it'll be alright. It's probably just a weird day. I'm sure we'll make it through this." Alex put all the comforting emotion he could behind the words, but he knew the meaning was hollow. Everyone at the bus stop knew what was going on. They all knew they only had a matter of time. Alex used the hand that was not resting on Cat's shoulder to check to time on his phone. It was 10:40. If indeed the legend was true, they only had thirty one minutes until 11:11 which was when the world was supposed to end. Alex turned back to Caitlin.

"Why don't you come with me back to my house? It's better to be with a friend then to be alone during a time like this," Alex said squeezing Caitlin's shoulder firmly. She looked up and him and smiled weakly. She whispered words of thank you, and they stood up and walked to Alex's house.

On the way, Alex stared up at the sky. "Man, it's hot out here," he said unzipping his coat. He then realized the irony in his statement. It was hot out in the dead of winter? They began to pick up the pace in their steps, and soon they were at Alex's house.

---------------------------------------------------

Thanks for reading, and any comments are appreciated. Please, be as critical as need be. It will only help me get better.
PostPosted: Wed Oct 06, 2010 9:53 am


hey ecopper, I read what you have up and I'd like to comment on a few things. smile

First of all, I really like the idea of your story. I hope you finish it in the next two years though. You've got yourself a set time limit, lol.

Anyway, just a couple of things here.

First of all, while your writing is clear and easy to read, everything happens really quickly. In the span of a chapter and a half you've thrown six different characters at us, all at different places and kind of out of nowhere. Alex's mother and Cat didn't bother me so much, but Holly sure did. Holly seemed to come out of nowhere, and you only gave a brief, rushed description at her before the scene cuts out.

It's the same with Greg on the school bus. Again, he's popped up out of nowhere, and you only give a very brief description of him before he's forgotten. You do the same with the bus lady as well.

After the characters I only noticed a few inconsistencies. Like Greg being on the bus. Why does Greg only bother Alex on the bus ride home? If Greg's bullying was getting worse and worse, like you mention near the end, wouldn't Greg bother Alex on the way in, too?

The second thing that bothered me is the bus lady. I find it really hard to believe that the bus driver, even one that didn't like kids, would just drop them off at a random place and drive off, even if some scary sky stuff was gong on. I don't think everyone who saw the sky would immediately think 2012, so if there's the chance that this bus driver would lose her job, she probably wouldn't do such a thing.

There's an easy way to fix the bus driver problem though. People will obviously be freaking out about what's happening in the sky. What if the bus got into an accident or broke down? I would try and come up with other reasons why the kids would be stranded without an immediate way home.

The last piece of advice I can really give you at this point is to make sure that every scene you write has a purpose. For example, I know there is probably purpose in the dream scene at the beginning of chapter one, and there's a purpose for Alex's mom giving him the watch for his birthday, but what was the purpose of Holly hugging him?

Also, it was interesting to see that you were writing from third person omniscient, and it worked, but you really only delved into Holly's POV, so make sure that's what you want. If you only want to stay in third person limited, make sure you change Holly's description to come from Alex. smile

I hope I helped!

SugarRos
Captain

Reply
Post Your Work: Originals/Fanfiction

 
Manage Your Items
Other Stuff
Get GCash
Offers
Get Items
More Items
Where Everyone Hangs Out
Other Community Areas
Virtual Spaces
Fun Stuff
Gaia's Games
Mini-Games
Play with GCash
Play with Platinum