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You need to ditch the guy and bring him up on charges. If he's abusing you, you don't need to be with him. He is NOT in control of your body. Getting rid of him sounds like its the ONLY way to keep him from doing things to you that you don't want done. There is no reasoning with someone who is an abuser.

Honestly, I wouldn't even talk to him about it. I would just get the hell out of the relationship. Because if he abuses you and rapes you, he doesn't deserve an explanation as to why you're leaving. He'll figure it out. Just get out and focus on getting yourself healthy again.

It makes a lot of sense, unfortunately. We push for you to leave the relationship because we care and we worry about you, but in the end it has to be your decision. We can't force you to do anything. If you continue to stay in the relationship, we'll worry about you, that's all. Several members in this guild, including myself and Lorien (as you'll see, because I'm editing this in after seeing her post) have been in abusive relationships, so we know where you're coming from.

I remember I used to sound a lot like you. I was with a guy for a year and a half, and things had soured by the end of the relationship. He never physically abused me or raped me or anything, but we lived together for 5.5 months after the break-up, and he was emotionally abusive. I remember making excuses for his behaviour and trying to reason his words to other people, and for the longest time I just couldn't see it. I think it took almost a full year before I was able to step back and say that yes, I had been at fault, but it didn't excuse the ways he had treated me and that he had been at fault too.

In reply to your comment about everyone having a little abuse in their lives, it depends on what you mean. If you meant it in a relationship-couple sense, no, people in healthy relationships don't have that. If my boyfriend was doing something I didn't like and I asked him to stop, he would. Because he loves me and respects me, and he doesn't want to hurt me or make me uncomfortable.

As for him controlling you, regardless of whatever his supposed reasons are, they're not an excuse. I don't know how old you are, but given that you're going to university soon, I'd say that makes you old enough to control your own life and make your own decisions. If you've made decisions in your own past, then you are the only person who can take responsibility for that, and you can change your actions. You don't have to be the person now that you were back then, and you certainly don't need to have him controlling your moves because of whatever happened in your past. Allowing yourself to be reliant on him is only going to reinforce his controlling behaviour and make it harder to leave, if you ever decide to do that.

If you said "no" to sex, regardless of how loud, and he forced you anyways, that's rape. One "no" is all it should take, no matter how loud. He should've respected your decision and stopped. And as Lorien said, that wasn't your fault.

If you need a ride to and from school, look into other transit options: Is there public transit you can take if you buy a bus pass? Some schools offer bus passes for their students that are included in the student fees. Can you get a ride with a classmate or friend, at least until you can get your licence?

For moving, can you ask some other friends to help you, or a relative to help you, so that way you don't have to rely on his help alone?

In answer to your question, yes it's your body and if you want to make the decision to not have sex while you're not on the nuvaring (until your next prescription), then you're certainly within your own right to make that decision. But make sure you think it through - will he agree with your decision? If not, could he potentially try to force you to have sex without being on birth control? Would he at least wear a condom if you are going to have sex with him? Some things to think about so you don't put yourself into an unsafe situation with him.

I will leave you with these two stickies that I highly recommend you read over and think about: The Healthy Relationships Sticky, and the How to Deal With an Abuse Partner/Spouse Sticky.

If you read them and you still don't want to leave your relationship, I would advise you start making a back-up plan: find out if there's a woman's centre on campus, in case you need help or need to access resources there. Find out if there's a transition house (women's shelter) in your city, in case there's an emergency with him and you need to get away asap. Start saving money and put it into a side fund, in case you leave him and need funds to rely on for things like food and clothing. If things get worse and you need outside help, consider calling the police and telling them what's going on. Consider talking to a counsellor on campus or another mental health professional if you're stressed out (just be aware that if you talk about the rape/abuse, I believe they might be obligated to report it to the police, but don't quote me on that).

And in the end, know this: You are a person worthy of love, trust and respect. You deserve a partner who will love you, respect you and treat you right. You deserve the right to make your own choices, regardless of your reasons, and have your partner respect those choices. You are a good person, making the best choices you can for your life. And while you've made mistakes in your past, we are all human and we all make mistakes. Life is to be lived freely.

First of all, having issues doesn't mean you deserve bad stuff.

Second, never get fooled into thinking no one else would want you. Abusers often tells their victims that no one else would want them just to scare them and put them down even more. But the truth is, no matter what you do, there is always someone out there who will accept you for who you are. There are probably even plenty of guys who are going through what you are going through or who went through it in the past and would be more than understanding and willing to try to help you through it.

Third, you don't need to worry about finding someone else right away anyway. In fact, it'd probably be best to work through your issues before getting into a new relationship anyway. So focus on being healthy. Don't worry about who will or won't want you in the future.

thank you. heart

but until then.. until i am able to leave him...

i have 29 more days on this island, away from him and his hands.

any advice on what to do if he makes a move and i say no but he does it again?

is it still rape if i consent in the beginning, but i say no in the middle and he continues anyway?

also, i do want to emphasize that he purely raped me once. just once. ONCE!!!! and he hasn't done it since then.

he sexually abuses me by touching my breasts/butt when i don't want him to and always having his hands on me, and talking sexually about me.

i swear, the only compliment i get nowadays is "oh, you look sexy in that" or "thats so sexy baby" or anything sex related.

when we have sex... well, i'll explain it and maybe you can help me determine whose at fault here.

he makes little comments all day about sex, but he always says that we dont have to if i dont want to. but he so obviously wants it and he won't shut up about it. so by night time when we're alone... i'll ask him if he wants to.
me:"do you want to?"
him:"well, if you do..."
"but do you want to?"
"well, yes..."
"okay, lets do it."
"are you sure?"
"yeah, i wanna make you happy... i feel like i only make you happy with my body... and oyu would love it... so... yeah."
"aw, thanks, okies!"
*commence sex*

and he totally knows that i fake orgasms every time. he pressures me to have them and he KNOWS i physically can't with my freaking dying health... but he pressures me to, and so i fake it, and he's all super happy. and he KNOWS i fake it, he actually said he'd rather i fake it then just laying there.

sorry if that's TMI.

also.
there's another reason i shouldn't be having sex.
like, really shouldn't...
i have heart palpations from my anorexia,
and omg it hurts so much exercise, and his type of sex... i feel like i'm going to have a heart attack, but of course i try and hide the pain and so he either just goes to sleep or leaves to go home..

uh, my point of this post was that he ISN'T currently raping me now, i am consenting, there's just a subconsious knowledge between us that i dont want to.

edit: my dad lives in st.thomas, USVI, and i live in virginia. he would be of no help to me. my college is like 2 hours away from my boyfriend's, and he plans to visit me a couple times a week. and potentially spend the night, which i am scared to death of.... i don't know of any shelters. i've never seen or heard of any in my current town back home, or at my college.