Welcome to Gaia! ::

How to Deal With an Abusive Partner/Spouse [internet]

Taken from: http://www.recovery-man.com/abusive/abusive.htm


About Abusive Relationships.
Abusive relationships are characterized by extreme jealousy, emotional withholding, lack of intimacy, raging, sexual coercion, infidelity, verbal abuse, threats, lies, broken promises, physical violence, power plays and control games.

Abuse does not have to be physical.
Emotional abuse is as damaging as physical abuse, though it is often harder to recognize, and therefore to recover from. Emotional abuse causes long term self esteem issues and profound emotional repercussions for the partners of abusers. Abuse typically alternates with declarations of love and statements that they will change, providing a "hook" to keep the partner in the relationship.

Abusive relationships are progressive -
Abusive relationships get worse over time. Emotional and verbal abuse frequently shifts to more overt threats or physical abuse, particularly in times of stress. Abusers are generally very needy and controlling; the abuse escalates when they feel they may lose their partner, or when the relationship ends.

Recommended reading for abusive relationships and recovery from them:
http://www.recovery-man.com/abusive/abuse_books.htm

A specific relationship is not the source of the abuse -
Abusive patterns are part of the emotional make up of both the parties involved. Without help and outside intervention the abusive patterns will be repeated in all relationships. The emotional volatility of addicts and alcoholics can create an abusive relationship climate. Ongoing therapy, and a 12 step recovery program for both partners is advised. (AA, NA, SAA, SLAA, etc for the addict and Alanon, COanon etc for the codependent partner.)

Abusers are often survivors of abuse themselves.
Many of the attributes of abusers are documented trauma based adaptations to childhood emotional, physical and sexual abuse. Abusers act out of deep seated shame and feelings of inadaquacy. They seek to pull thier partner down to make themselves feel better.

Abuse is a family dysfunction that repeats through generations. Just as addictions pass down through generations, abusers often leave their families for a family of choice - then repeat the abusive cycle from the other side. The abused becomes the abuser and so continues the cycle.

If you are in an abusive relationship:
Abusive relationships do not change without sustained therapy specifically targeted toward the abusive relationship patterns. These relationships cannot be changed from one side, it takes mutual honesty, openness and willingness from both parties to work through these issues. Group therapy is highly recommended for abusers, as it helps them to break through the denial that is generally a part of the abusive patterns. (People in denial generally recognize their own dysfunctional behavior in others more easily than in themselves.) This applies to the partners of abusers as well - group helps them to break through the denial by seeing the relationship patterns from a wider view. Certain personality types are more prone to abusive relationships.

If the abuser is unwilling to own their behavior and seek help the prudent course of action is to remove yourself totally from the situation. This is painful, but is generally safer and ultimately better for both parties than allowing the cycle of abuse to continue. Be prepared for the abuse to increase after you leave - stepping out of the cycle enrages the abuser, as it shatters their illusion of control. (75% of women killed by their abusive partners are murdered after they leave.) Learn how to protect and care for yourself. Detachment with love is difficult, but the best solution if your partner is unwilling to work though the issues.

Help is readily available for both parties in abusive relationships. These relationships cannot be changed from one side. Remember that by staying you are condoning and enabling the abuse - and helping your partner to stay sick. If your partner is unwilling to get help the only safe course of action is to totally remove yourself from the situation and seek help on your own.


==========================

(Taken from the same website)

http://www.recovery-man.com/abusive/abusive_signs.htm



You may be in an abusive relationship if he or she:
- Is jealous or possessive toward you.
(Jealousy is the primary symptom of abusive relationships; it is also a core component of Sexual Addictions and Love Addiction.)
- Tries to control you by being very bossy or demanding.
- Tries to isolate you by demanding you cut off social contacts and friendships.
- Is violent and / or loses his or her temper quickly.
- Pressures you sexually, demands sexual activities you are not comfortable with.
- Abuses drugs or alcohol.
- Claims you are responsible for his or her emotional state. (This is a core diagnostic criteria for Codependency.)
- Blames you when he or she mistreats you.
- Has a history of bad relationships.
- Your family and friends have warned you about the person or told you that they are concerned for your safety or emotional well being.
- You frequently worry about how he or she will react to things you say or do.
- Makes "jokes" that shame, humiliate, demean or embarrass you, weather privately or around family and friends.
- Your partner grew up witnessing an abusive parental relationship, and/or was abused as a child.
- Your partner "rages" when they feel hurt, shame, fear or loss of control.
- Both parties in abusive relationships may develop or progress in drug or alcohol dependence in a (dysfunctional) attempt to cope with the pain.
- You leave and then return to your partner repeatedly, against the advice of your friends, family and loved ones.
- You have trouble ending the relationship, even though you know inside it's the right thing to do.


Does the person you love...
? constantly keep track of your time?

? act jealous and possessive?

? accuse you of being unfaithful or flirting?

? discourage your relationships with friends and family?

? prevent or discourage you from working, interacting with friends or attending school?

? constantly criticize or belittle you?

? control all finances and force you to account for what you spend? (Reasonable cooperative budgeting excepted.)

? humiliate you in front of others? (Including "jokes" at your expense.)

? destroy or take your personal property or sentimental items?

? have affairs?

? threaten to hurt you, your children or pets? Threaten to use a weapon?

? push, hit, slap, punch, kick, or bite you or your children?

? force you to have sex against your will, or demand sexual acts you are uncomfortable with?


What to do if this sounds familiar:
You may wish to read the characteristics of healthy and abusive relationships page: http://www.recovery-man.com/abusive/healthy_abusive.htm


==========================

(Taken from the same website)

http://www.recovery-man.com/abusive/healthy_abusive.htm



Sometimes abusive relationships are easy to identify; other times the abuse may take subtle forms. The examples shown here can help you identify traits of abusive and healthy relationships. In general, abusive relationships have a serious power imbalance, with the abuser controlling or attempting to control most aspects of life. Healthy relationships share responsibility and decision-making tasks and reflect respect for all the people in the relationship, including children.

Healthy Relationships:

Non-Threatening Behavior
? Talking and acting so that your partner feels safe and comfortable doing and saying things.


Respect
? Listening to your partner non-judgmentally.

? Being emotionally affirming and understanding.

? Valuing opinions.


Trust and Support
? Supporting your partner?s goals in life.

? Respecting your partner?s right to his or her own feelings, friends, activities and opinions.


Honesty and Accountability
? Accepting responsibility for self.

? Acknowledging past use of violence and / or emotionally abusive behavior, changing the behavior.

? Acknowledging infidelity, changing the behavior.

? Admitting being wrong when it is appropriate.

? Communicating openly and truthfully, acknowledging past abuse, seeking help for abusive relationship patterns.


Responsible Parenting
? Sharing parental responsibilities.

? Being a positive, non-violent role model for children.


Shared Responsibility
? Mutually agreeing on a fair distribution of work.

? Making family decisions together.


Abusive Relationships:

Using Intimidation
? Making your partner afraid by using looks, actions, gestures.

? Smashing or destroying things.

? Destroying or confiscating your partner's property.

? Abusing pets as a display of power and control.

? Silent or overt raging.

? Displaying weapons or threatening their use.

? Making physical threats.


Using Emotional Abuse
? Putting your partner down.

? Making your partner feel bad about himself or herself.

? Calling your partner names.

? Playing mind games.

? Interrogating your partner.

? Harassing or intimidating your partner.

? "Checking up on" your partner's activities or whereabouts.

? Humiliating your partner, weather through direct attacks or "jokes".

? Making your partner feel guilty.

? Shaming your partner.


Using Isolation
? Controlling what your partner does, who he or she sees and talks to, what he or she reads, where he or she goes.

? Limiting your partner?s outside involvement.

? Demanding your partner remain home when you are not with them.

? Cutting your partner off from prior friends, activities, and social interaction.

? Using jealousy to justify your actions.

(Jealousy is the primary symptom of abusive relationships; it is also a core component of Love Addiction.)


Minimizing, Denying and Blame Shifting
? Making light of the abuse and not taking your partner?s concerns about it seriously.

? Saying the abuse did not happen, or wasn't that bad.

? Shifting responsibility for your abusive behavior to your partner. (i.e: I did it because you ______.)

? Saying your partner caused it.


Using Children
? Making your partner feel guilty about the children.

? Using the children to relay messages.

? Using visitation to harass your partner.

? Threatening to take the children away.


Using Male Privilege
? Treating your partner like a servant.

? Making all the big decisions.

? Acting like the "master of the castle."

? Being the one to define men?s and women?s or the relationship's roles.


Using Economic Abuse
? Preventing your partner from getting or keeping a job.

? Making your partner ask for money.

? Giving your partner an allowance.

? Taking your partner?s money.

? Not letting your partner know about or have access to family income.

---------------------------------------
---------------------------------------

Updated 7/4/08: When I was going through my second break-up a couple of years ago, I read a book called "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" by Mira Kirshebaum, and it really helped me to see that the relationship (ex-relationship) I'd been in wasn't a healthy one. I recommend it for people who are unsure about whether to leave their current relationship.

Is Someone You Know Being Abused? [pamphlet]


[The government parts of this brochure applies to anyone who lives in BC, Canada, but the concepts can apply to people living outside of Canada too.

Please also note that some of this pamphlet is the same as the previous one, one post above, but some of the inforamtion is a little different.]


Are You Concerned That Someone Is Being Abused, But You Don't Know What To Do?
You may suspect abuse is happening to a neighbour, friend, or family member, but don't know what to do or how to talk about it. You may worry about making the situation worse.This brochure describes the warning signs and the steps you can take to help.

Everyone has a role to play in preventing violence against women. You can reach out to organizations in your community that support women at risk of abuse and those that can help abusers.


Definition of Violence Against Women
Violence against women is a serious social problem that takes many forms, including:

- domestic violence (also know as spousal abuse, wife assault, or intimate partner violence)
- sexual assault
- sexual harassment
- criminal harassment (also known as stalking)

Violence against women takes place in homes, workplaces, schools, institutions and community settings, and it puts children who are exposed to it at greater risk of developmental, behavioural, and emotional difficulties. Violence affects women of all age groups, cultures, ethnic and socio-economic backgrounds.


Warning Signs of Abuse
If you recognize some of these warning signs, it may be time to take action:

He:
- puts her down
- does all the talking and dominates the conversation
- checks up on her all the time, even at work
- tries to suggest he is the victim and acts depressed
- tries to keep her away from you
- acts as if he owns her
- lies to make himself look good or exaggerates his good qualities
- acts like he is superior and of more value than others in his home

She:
- is apologetic, makes excuses for his behaviour, or becomes aggressive and angry
- is nervous talking when he's nearby
- seems to be sick more often and misses work
- tries to cover her bruises
- makes excuses at the last minute about why she can't meet you or she tries to avoid you on the street
- seems sad, lonely, withdrawn, and is afraid
- uses more drugs or alcohol to cope

While most abuse occurs in intiamte heterosexual relationships, it can occur in gay and lesbian relationships as well. The suggestions in this brochure are equally applicable.


The Danger May Be Greater If:

He:
- has access to her and her children
- has access to weapons
- has a history of abuse with her or others
- has threatened to harm or kill her if she leaves him
- says "if I can't have you, no one will"
- threatens to harm her children, her pets or her property
- has threatened to kill himself
- has hit or choked her
- is going through major life changes (ex: job, seperation, depression)
- is convinced she is seeing someone else
- blames her for his problems
- doesn't seek support
- watches her actions, listens to her telephone conversations, reads her e-mails and follows her
- has trouble keeping a job
- misuses drugs or alcohol
- has no respect for the law

She:
- has just seperated or is planning to leave
- fears for her life and for her children's safety
- is in a custody battle, or has children from a previous relationship
- is involved in another relationship
- is pregnant
- denies or minimizes the risk
- has unexplained nijuries
- has no access to a phone
- faces other obstacles (ex: she doesn't speak English, is not yet a legal resident of Canada or lives in a remote area)
- has no friends or family

Statistics indicate that women who are under 25 years of age, women with a disability, Aboriginal women and women living in a common-law arrangement are at a higher risk of abuse. (Stats Canada, 2005)

Always keep yourself safe. Don't get in the middle of an assault. In an emergency, call the police, or 911 if available in your area.


Here Are Some of the Ways You Can Help When You Recognize the Warning Signs of Abuse

- Talk to her about what you see and assure her that you are concerned. Tell her you believe her and that it is not her fault.
- Encourage her not to confront her partner if she is planning to leave. Her safety must be protected.
- Provided your own safety is not at risk, offer your home as a safe haven to her, her children and her pets. If she accepts your offer, do not let her partner in.
- Encourage her to pack a small bag with important items and keep it stored at your home in case she needs it.
- Know that you or she can call VictimLink at 1-800-563-0808, your local transition house or safe home. In an emergency call the police, or 911 if available in your area.


If She Denies the Abuse

- Assure her she can talk to you anytime.
- Don't become angry or frustrated with her decisions. It is important to understand that she may be afraid or not ready to take the next steps.
- Try to understand why she might be having difficulty getting help. She may feel ashamed.
- Offer to go with her if she needs additional information or support.
- If she has children, let her know gently that you are concerned about her and her children's safety and emotional well-being. She may be more willing to recognize her situation if she realizes her children may also be in danger.


Why Does She Stay?

- She loves him and hopes he will change.
- She believes her children need their father.
- She has no means of supporting herself and her children.
- She is isolated and has no support from family or friends.
- She feels ashamed.
- She may not be aware of services that are available.
- She may not have transportation.
- She believes he will kill her if she leaves.
- She is an immigrant, sponsored by her husband, and is unaware of her rights. She may believe she will be deported if she reports the abuse or leaves him.


Here Are Some Concerns You May Have About Whether You Should Help

Points of Concern: You feel it's none of your business.
Points to Consider: It could be a matter of life and death. Violence is everyone's business.

Points of Concern: You don't know what to say.
Points to Consider: Saying you care and are concerned is a good start.

Points of Concern: You might make things worse.
Points to Consider: Doing nothing could make things worse.

Points of Concern: It's not serious enough to involve the police.
Points to Consider: Police are trained to respond and can refer to other services.

Points of Concern: You are afraid his violence will turn to you or your family.
Points to Consider: Speak to him alone. Let the police know if you receive threats.

Points of Concern: You think she doesn't really want to leave because she keeps going back to him.
Points to Consider: She may not have had the support she needed.

Points of Concern: You are afraid he will become angry with you.
Points to Consider: Maybe, but it gives you the chance to offer your help.

Points of Concern: You feel both partners are your friends.
Points to Consider: One is being abusive and the other lives in fear.

Points of Concern: You believe that if he wanted help or wanted to change his behaviour, he would ask for help.
Points to Consider: He may be too ashamed to ask for help.

Points of Concern: You think it is a private matter.
Points to Consider: It isn't when someone is being hurt.


Who Can Help?

Call VictimLink at 1-800-563-0808, a 24 hour crisis line for BC in up to 130 languages.

In an emergency, call your local police or 911 if available in your community.


Stopping Violence Against Women is Everyone's Responsibility

Ministry of Community Services: www.gov.bc.ca/cserv


~

The information in this post is from the BC Ministry of Community Services. I do not claim to own any of this information, nor am I trying to profit from it.

BC Hotlines [pamphlets]


Hotline #1 - BC's Helpline For Children

British Columbia's Helpline for Children receives 25,000 calls a year reporting possible cases of abuse or neglect. Previously, callers had to dial "0," and ask the operator for Zenith 1-2-3-4. But technology is changing... and so is the phone number. The new number is 310-1234, and now anyone can call from anywhere in the province, 24 hours a day. If you think a child might be abused or neglected, call us. We can help.

[Nikolita note: There is no area code given, so if unsure, one could try 604 or calling the operator to ask.]

(Information is from the BC Ministry for Children and Families)



Hotline #2 - VictimLink

Get the help you need:

- Immediate crisis support for victims of family and sexual violence.
- Help for all other victims of crime.
- Information about, and referral to, victim services and other resources.
- Basic legal information and awareness of rights.


Call now if you're a victim of:

- Family or sexual violence.
-- Sexual assault.
-- Violence in intimate relationships.
-- Criminal harassment/stalking.
-- Childhood physical or sexual abuse.
-- Elder abuse.

- Any other crime.


Your First Vital Link:
- Toll-free, anywhere in BC.
- 24 hours, 7 days a week.
- Confidential/anonymous.
- Multilingual and TTY.

1-800-563-0808
(Call TTY at 604-875-0885 - collect calls accepted)

- In a dangerous situation, call the police at 911 or the local emergency number in your phone book.

(Information belongs to the BC government and VictimLink)



Hotline #3 - Kids Help Phone

Free anonymous counselling 24/7 by phone or by web.


What is Kids Help Phone?

Kids Help Phone is a free, anonymous, confidential phone and web counselling and referral sevice for young people of all ages.

No matter what kind of question or concern you have, Kids Help Phone counsellors can help. We're here whenever you need us' we never close.

You can either phone us at 1-800-668-6868 or post a question at www.kidshelpphone.ca.


So What is Counselling Anyways?

Counselling is really just a conversation between two people.

Kids Help Phone counsellors care about your health and well-being. They can:

- Help you make sure you've got all the right facts.
- Help you define the problem and think about what's important.
- Help you express your needs and feelings.
- Help you figure out what to do next.
- Help refer you to someone in your own community if needed.
- Help you tap into your own strengths and resources.
- Help you start making your own decisions.

The counsellor's job is to help you make sense of what's going on in your life, and help you identify options for making positive changes.


Phone vs. Web Counselling

1-800-668-6868

- The fastest way to get help is to call - you can talk to a counsellor immediately.
- We don't trace calls or have call display.
- You don't have to give your name or any personal information if you don't want to.
- The call is private. It's just between you and the counsellor.
- It's a conversation. Both you and the counsellor can ask questions, make comments and give feedback.

www.kidshelpphone.ca
- You can post your question online anytime, and a counsellor will post a response within a few days.
- We don't track IP addresses.
- We never ask for your e-mail, phone number, or address. You just need to log-in with a nickname.
- Web posts are public. It's helpful to read what others are asking and the responses from our counsellors.
- This isn't instant messaging with a counsellor. It's a message board where you can post questions.


True or False

1) Kids Help Phone has trained professionals who answer the phones and online posts.
TRUE! Only trained professional counsellors answer the phones and online posts at Kids Help Phone. They have lots of experience in helping young people.

2) Kids Help Phone is only for little kids.
FALSE! Even though our name is Kids Help Phone, we can calls and online posts from young people of all ages.

3) Kids Help Phone is confidential and anonymous.
TRUE! You don't have to tell us your name or address when you call, and if you post to the website, you can just pick a nickname. We don't have call display; we don't trace calls, track IP addresses, and we don't ask for your e-mail.

4) Kids Help Phone is free.
TRUE! The call is toll-free,w hich means there are no long distance charges. The counselling services are also free. Please be aware that if you are using a cell phone, your cell phone provider may charge you for the minutes used according to your rate plan. Check with your cell phone provider to protect your privacy.

5) Kids Help Phone only deals with emergency situations.
FALSE! If something is bothering or upsetting you, then we can help. We respond to questions or concerns about relationships, sex, drugs, bullying, family, school and more. We can also provide you with information or refer you to someone in your community. Whatever the problem, talk to us.

(Information is from Kids Help Phone)


~

I do not claim to own any of the information in this post, nor am I trying to profit from it.

Abuse in Same-Sex Relationships [pamphlet]


Abuse in same-sex relationships is a serious problem within lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans and Two-Spirit communities.

Same-sex partner abuse is often ignored, minimized or misunderstood by families, friends, communities and service providers, but is a reality.


What is an Abusive Intimate Relationship?

Abuse and battering are words that describe a pattern of behaviour and are used to intimidate, isolate, dominate, and maintain power and control over someone.

It can feel confusing. In some cases, theer may be an on-going pattern of abuse. In other cases, abuse may happen less often.

Abuse may take many forms and can be physical, emotional, verbal, sexual, spirital, and/or financial.


Examples of Abusive Behaviours

She/He:

- Tells you that they love and support you, but constantly put you down. You feel crazy.

- Keeps you from seeing friends or family.

- Threatens to "out" you or have you deported.

- Says you're confused because you identify as bisexual.

- Denies or makes fun of your gender identity.

- Insults your racial, ethnic, religious, and/or class background.

- Is extremely jealous and possessive, and acuses you of cheating.

- Threatens, slaps, shoves, punches or restrains you against your will.

- Forces you to drink or take drugs.

- Forces you to have sex or unprotected sex, or sexually assaults you.

- Destroys your personal belongings or hurts your pet.

- Doesn't respect your boundaries and ignores your safe words in your S/M relationship.

- Keeps promising to change, but the abuse happens again.


What Can I Do If I Think I'm Being Abused?

- Conflict and abuse can feel confusing when it's happening. Ask yourself: am I being physically, sexually or emotionally abused, controlled or threatened? Am I anxious and stressed about how my partner treats me? Do I feel isolated, afraid or hopeless? If you said yes to any of these, it's important to get some perspective about what's happening.

- Try to find at least one person you can talk to about what is going on - a friend, family member, or counsellor. This may give you perspective, and help you make decisions about what to do. Remember that the abuse is not your fault.

- Making the decision about staying or leaving may feel difficult. You may not want to leave, or feel you can't. Or leaving the situation temporarily or permanently may be options. While deciding what to do, ask yourself what you can to do feel safer and have more options, such as: connecting with others and reducing your isolation, increasing your financial independence, and setting stronger boundaries and limits with your partner.

- Create a safety plan to reduce the risks or harm. Think about what you (and your children) need to be as safe as possible - while in the relationship or if you leave.

- Put emergency money, keys and important documents (with a friend or neighbour) in case you need to leave quickly.

- If you decide to leave, find a place where you can feel safe and your partner will not find you (family/friend's home, shelter/transition house). LGBT people face numerous challenges in accessing safe housing/shelter. This may be especially true for gay men and trans people who have even fewer options.

- Try to vary your routine so your partner won't find you. Because LGBT communities are small, you may run into your partner at social events. If you end up in situations together, try to set boundaries for yourself and look to friends and family for support.

- If you are in immediate danger, call the police. Remember, physical and sexual assault are against the law. You have legal rights to protection. If these rights are ignored by the police, find an advocate to help you get what you need.


What Can I Do If I Think I'm Being Abusive?

Ask yourself: am I threatening my partner? Am I trying to punish or blame my partner for my actions? Am I constantly lashing out at them? Do I feel like hurting my partner or myself?

Answering yes to any of these questions means it's time to think about your actions, take responsibility and stop hurting your partner. Leave the situation or relationship if necessary to keep your partner and/or yourself safe. Call on friensd, family and/or a counselor to help you change your behaviours.


Responding As a Community

Stopping same-sex partner abuse requires a community response. Here are some ideas:

- Talk openly about abuse in same-sex relationships. Support friends to stay connected to one another and help to break isolation. Help to find information and resources if friends are abused or abusive.

- Abuse happens in all our communities. Don't support harmful stereotypes that say some communities are more likely to have violent relationships. For example: people of colour; violent relationships; Aboriginal people; the "bar crowd"; S/M community; butch/femme couples; and trans & bisexual communities.


Resources

The Centre (LGTB community centre)
Information, referrals and support
1170 Bute St., Vancouver

Days: 604-684-5307
Evenings: 604-684-6869 or 1-800-566-1170

www.lgtbcentrevancouver.com


Safe Choices, BCASVACP
Education and training re: abuse and healthy relationships for lesbian, bisexual and trans women
Vancouver, BC
604-633-2506


North West Network of Bi, Trans, Lesbian and Gay Survivors of Abuse
Seattle, WA
www.nwnetwork.org


Education Wife Assault
Toronto, ON
http://www.womanabuseprevention.com/html/same-sex_partner_abuse.html


~

The information in this post is adapted from a pamphlet produced by the Network Against Abuse in Same-Sex Relationships, a Vancouver-based coalition of LGBT service providers, and the book No More Secrets: Violence in Lesbian Relationships (2002) by Janice Ristock. I do not claim to own any of this information, nor am I trying to profit from it.

Reserved.