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character dying

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AmiraUnhuman_MEM

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PostPosted: Sat Jun 13, 2009 10:44 am


i'm writing a long book, and i want people to tell me wat they think on some of the emotionally stronger parts... so plz comment!!!
this is wen my character chose to die and was slowly doing just that.

"There were a lot of things running through my mind as i faded into the quiet black of infinity. Phrases like goodbye, why me, I love you, I'll miss you... but there was one that stood out among the others. It made me smile as it echoed in my dissolving mind. I breathed my last breath with relief as I thought the last words I'd ever know. I'm free."

I know u wudnt know who shes talking about wen she says i love you and miss u, but if u read the whole story u'd know.
PostPosted: Sun Jun 14, 2009 6:59 am


That sounds like a great scene. It was well-put together, wasn't drawn out too long, and, at the end of a long novel, would really tie everything up.

Only Sissies Write


Strali

PostPosted: Wed Jun 17, 2009 5:25 am


The term "quiet black of infinity" is really dramatic and clichéd. You might want to tone it down. Then near the end when the character "thought the last words I'd ever know" it doesn't really make sense, because it's past tense. If they were the last words, then they wouldn't be telling the story. Maybe just by saying something like "the last words I'd know in life" it would make more sense.
PostPosted: Wed Jun 17, 2009 6:00 pm


yeah, i know about the infinity thing, but i just cudnt find those perfect words, any suggestions? as for the last part, that was the other part i had trouble with... (its great to know someone thinks like me... u picked the exact spots i was not feeling it) thanx for ur critisism... 3nodding

AmiraUnhuman_MEM

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