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 Posted: Wed Jan 21, 2009 5:10 pm
((This is the begining of a short story I'm writing...))
I could picture it like it was only yesterday; It was Christmas Eve, the smell of fire invaded my mind, making it easy to clear my thoughts. My two friends where sitting right next to me, trying to keep warm from the snow. I let my mind wander for a little bit, back to my family. They would be sleeping now, in their nice warm beds, while I was on night watch. It was a silent night, nothing made a sound, but I knew that something was out there, watching, waiting. I knew that my friends didn't hear it, because they where still talking in whispers, but I did. A twig snapped in half not that far away, so I turned around to see who, or what, was there. My breathing increased as I saw nothing but trees and darkness around me, but I knew that something was there, lurking in the trees, waiting to pounce. Paranoia started to creep over me. I guessed my friends felt me stirring right besides them, and asked what was wrong. I just stayed quiet, they understood my silence and went to go and warn the general in the tent about five yards away. I grabbed my rifle right next to me, i always kept it loaded during my watch just in case.
Minutes passed. Nothing. Then, I heard it, a gun fire about one mile away. Birds flew from overhead. I heard someone approaching me from behind, so I turned around to see who it was. It was my friends approaching with the general. Another shot, and the general dropped dead.
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Posted: Thu Jan 22, 2009 10:53 pm
I like it! mrgreen I suppose I should give out the good and bad now, so here goes nothing. I'm no critic, but I'll do my best.
Okay, so. What I did like was the emotion. The style and the short, choppy sentences brought the reader to a feeling of anticipation, like they were right next to the person, intently watching the trees for anything. It gets your heart pumping, and transports you to the world you wrote, and that's really, really good. I also liked the mental kick to it, like you're listening to someone relive memories, and like a movie, the memories become the story you're reading, but they're really only memories to the person reliving them. It's like the story is set in motion, and now you want to see it to the end.
Now...this is always the hard part, but I'm going to be all "negative Nancy" here. It was very clean, proper punctuation and all that, just one typo. The only thing that really threw me was the setting. At first I almost had it, with the fire, but then it faded. It was emotional, but you had no setting to it. I didn't know if it was snowy, or just cold, or maybe it wasn't even cold, but the fire was for light. I knew there were trees, but were they pine? Oak? Forested or just a patch of trees? Water nearby? If there were any sounds or smells...anything you could throw in to bring the reader to exactly that place, to imagine it as if they were there.
Other than that, though, I thought it was a great start. It makes me want to know what happened, why, and who did it. Gotta love a story with intrigue. Bravo!
-Mr. Knox
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